How to find the joy in being alone.

  • williamgeo

    Posts: 19

    Feb 22, 2015 11:58 AM GMT
    So I'm 24 and have been single my whole life. I've waved the single flag with pride in the past, proclaiming that I'd grown up to be independent and knew who I was as a result - whilst true, there have also been many times it sucked. I watched my friends fall in love, get into relationships, breakup and go through it all again 2 or 3 times whilst I waited for my turn. I developed feelings for guys which were never returned and that made things a lot harder.

    Right now, all but one of my friends are in long term relationships. Everyone's planning on moving in with their partners and once again I'm trying to shake off the remaining feelings I have for a guy who broke my heart 4 months ago. What I'm interested in are the ways to find true happiness by oneself. If I can't find love in my life, what can I do to fill that gap with something just as fulfilling? My friends assure me that it will happen 'eventually' but it's hard sitting around not knowing what it is I'm even waiting for.
  • afb1992

    Posts: 1

    Feb 22, 2015 12:48 PM GMT
    I feel the same way sometimes, but I have learned to be positive about living on my own. Instead of feeling bad for myself, I appreciate my freedom on a daily basis.
    It is also a very effective way of taking the time to think about what you really want. Patience and better life choices come out of this.
  • BTBruce

    Posts: 32

    Feb 22, 2015 1:52 PM GMT
    Being single is where its at! Your friends moving in together aren't necessarily any better off / happier than you are. Half of those "relationships" probably will crash and burn in short order anyway. Don't wait for someone else to make you happy. Don't wait for someone else for anything. Self reliance and independence are attractive qualities. Learn to enjoy and value the freedom that being single offers. You're free to spend your time and money the way you want ... and sleep with who you want. You don't need anybody's approval. Enjoy spending time with your friends. If they become involved with someone and aren't available to hang out anymore, wait a few months ... they'll be back after the relationship fails.
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    Feb 22, 2015 2:36 PM GMT
    Empower yourself to get over your broken heart. Don't stay stuck in that place. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed and waiting for something that may happen "eventually" means you might miss out something magical.

    Say yes the next time someone invites you out.
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    Feb 22, 2015 3:03 PM GMT
    Could it be that you are single because you are afraid of getting seriously involved with somebody else? It happens to me often that I see my friends strugle with their relationships and I think ¨Thats not for me I rather be single¨ and I gotten to realize that´s my reaction against the posibility of someday getting hurt aka "Heartbroken"

    but then a part of me would really like to put myself out there and try all the drama, conflict schedule, money and time spending that is a relationship.
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    Feb 22, 2015 3:55 PM GMT
    williamgeo saidSo I'm 24 and have been single my whole life. I've waved the single flag with pride in the past, proclaiming that I'd grown up to be independent and knew who I was as a result - whilst true, there have also been many times it sucked. I watched my friends fall in love, get into relationships, breakup and go through it all again 2 or 3 times whilst I waited for my turn. I developed feelings for guys which were never returned and that made things a lot harder.

    Right now, all but one of my friends are in long term relationships. Everyone's planning on moving in with their partners and once again I'm trying to shake off the remaining feelings I have for a guy who broke my heart 4 months ago. What I'm interested in are the ways to find true happiness by oneself. If I can't find love in my life, what can I do to fill that gap with something just as fulfilling? My friends assure me that it will happen 'eventually' but it's hard sitting around not knowing what it is I'm even waiting for.


    I can relate to this. I live in the straight world, which may make it even worse because about 24-28 is when EVERYBODY starts getting married, facebook becomes endless wedding pics, and then baby pics, and then family pics, and us single people are left sitting in the dust wondering what the hell just happened.

    In the gay world it's a little different, because as a generality (i know, not everyone) guys seem to mature for real relationships at a much later age than 24. You really have nothing to worry about here.

    Falling in love, starting relationships, breaking up, and repeating over and over, like you mentioned, isn't an awesome thing. If the emotions are real, it's pretty gutwrenching and not really something you should be feeling jealous of in anyway. You just said somebody broke your heart 4 months ago.

    I've been single for way longer than you, I honestly think I'm one of those people just meant to be on my own for the long haul. I have a huge social life, lots of great friends, have had a great sex life etc, so I'm not sure what the exact issue is, but it's not a big deal right now either. It used to bother me a lot, but now I've found a lot of joy in being on my own so maybe i can share a little of my own perspective?

    For one, stop labeling yourself as being "alone". That itself denotes your situation as a negative one, or as an incomplete one. I say I'm on my own, and im sure there are other more positive ways to view and describe yourself as still whole when not in a relationship.

    The two main things that have helped a lot for me are hobbies and a social life.

    Keep socializing, keep meeting new friends, and keep meeting their friends. Dont necessarily try doing this in hopes that each new person you will meet will be "the one" or you'll find yourself searching too much. This can kinda backfire sometimes if you are only meeting people in serious relationships, so this is why it's important to keep meeting new people too. It trains your brain to see more single people out there, and to make your world feel more expansive, and you'll feel much less "alone" as you continue to develop new relationships with people.

    The other is hobbies. This is sooo important to finding joy in being alone. Keep trying new things. Even if you have hobbies you like now. Keep doing new activities, trying new group classes, etc. For one, you will keep meeting new and interesting people that way, but more importantly eventually as you keep exploring, you will eventually find things you are very passionate about, and from there you can throw yourself into your passion and live a passionate life!

    Don't sit around watching your friends and 'Waiting for your turn". Life is short and thats a huge waste of time! Instead, fill that time building awesome new friendships and finding and doing things that you absolutely love and completely throw yourself into. That is how you will find joy in being on your own.

    You are younger than you think and good looking, you will be fine. In the meantime, go live life icon_smile.gif

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    Feb 22, 2015 4:01 PM GMT
    Start drinking alone and watch porn. That's always been the key to my happiness.
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    Feb 22, 2015 4:08 PM GMT
    Yeah fap,hook up. Be the biggest manwhore. Cause once you're in a relationship you're going to kiss that goodbye. Unless you're into open relationship.
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    Feb 22, 2015 4:37 PM GMT
    i_VAN90 saidYeah fap,hook up. Be the biggest manwhore. Cause once you're in a relationship you're going to kiss that goodbye. Unless you're into open relationship.

    Because if there's one thing every single gay guy wants it's to hook up with as many strangers as possible in the shortest amount possible, and can't possibly commit to a relationship without having sex with others. /sarcasm
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    Feb 22, 2015 4:41 PM GMT
    Sorry you living in LA LA GayLand ..24?? all your life .moving in breaking up.. How not Fun ..those were Fake relationships why do you want that!!YOUR TURN??? ...Focus!! ..on your Education and Career.. Date.. have sex....Avoid Gay Bars ..Gay Events..Hang out with Real People..you'll be happy
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    Feb 22, 2015 4:48 PM GMT
    Bart_Frost said
    i_VAN90 saidYeah fap,hook up. Be the biggest manwhore. Cause once you're in a relationship you're going to kiss that goodbye. Unless you're into open relationship.

    Because if there's one thing every single gay guy wants it's to hook up with as many strangers as possible in the shortest amount possible, and can't possibly commit to a relationship without having sex with others. /sarcasm
    /sarcasm
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 22, 2015 5:16 PM GMT
    I can understand where you are coming from, but consider this for a minute....

    Think about what it must be like for those (mostly older) men who never perceived they had the opportunity to fall in love or be with a man in a serious context because of societal pressure or because of the limitations they placed on themselves because of their lives and what they felt they could or couldn't do.

    I would guess that's a whole new meaning of lonely.

    I've never had the experience. Once I decided I wanted to come out, I was already involved with my long term partner and I wasn't ever "gay single" until 2012 after we broke up. Lots of good opportunities out there, albeit, sometimes it can be frustrating for some, I'm sure.

    When I was 24, I was graduating law school and had only 1 serious girlfriend. I thought I had life by the tail and there wasn't much I couldn't do. Lots of learning since, but one thing I do know... everything is possible. I have no doubt the OP will find someone, just give it time.
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    Feb 22, 2015 5:18 PM GMT
    maybe you just dont need to be in a relationship right now?

    you might try to hook up with something a little more extreme than drinking & watching porn. what dosnt kill you makes you stronger. The OP asked.

    my theory the OP has not gotten over his X.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2015 5:48 PM GMT
    Reading this thread helped me lots, I just got "heart broken" but realized I gotta be happy not just for me, but also be happy for my family and the people around me.

    It sucks as I am a hopeless romantic but as you all said, if you worry about your own independent happiness first, life will be much better.

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    Feb 22, 2015 6:52 PM GMT
    Could not have said it any better than what IRFire66 said here. Hear Hear

    IRFire66 said

    I can relate to this. I live in the straight world, which may make it even worse because about 24-28 is when EVERYBODY starts getting married, facebook becomes endless wedding pics, and then baby pics, and then family pics, and us single people are left sitting in the dust wondering what the hell just happened.

    In the gay world it's a little different, because as a generality (i know, not everyone) guys seem to mature for real relationships at a much later age than 24. You really have nothing to worry about here.

    Falling in love, starting relationships, breaking up, and repeating over and over, like you mentioned, isn't an awesome thing. If the emotions are real, it's pretty gutwrenching and not really something you should be feeling jealous of in anyway. You just said somebody broke your heart 4 months ago.

    I've been single for way longer than you, I honestly think I'm one of those people just meant to be on my own for the long haul. I have a huge social life, lots of great friends, have had a great sex life etc, so I'm not sure what the exact issue is, but it's not a big deal right now either. It used to bother me a lot, but now I've found a lot of joy in being on my own so maybe i can share a little of my own perspective?

    For one, stop labeling yourself as being "alone". That itself denotes your situation as a negative one, or as an incomplete one. I say I'm on my own, and im sure there are other more positive ways to view and describe yourself as still whole when not in a relationship.

    The two main things that have helped a lot for me are hobbies and a social life.

    Keep socializing, keep meeting new friends, and keep meeting their friends. Dont necessarily try doing this in hopes that each new person you will meet will be "the one" or you'll find yourself searching too much. This can kinda backfire sometimes if you are only meeting people in serious relationships, so this is why it's important to keep meeting new people too. It trains your brain to see more single people out there, and to make your world feel more expansive, and you'll feel much less "alone" as you continue to develop new relationships with people.

    The other is hobbies. This is sooo important to finding joy in being alone. Keep trying new things. Even if you have hobbies you like now. Keep doing new activities, trying new group classes, etc. For one, you will keep meeting new and interesting people that way, but more importantly eventually as you keep exploring, you will eventually find things you are very passionate about, and from there you can throw yourself into your passion and live a passionate life!

    Don't sit around watching your friends and 'Waiting for your turn". Life is short and thats a huge waste of time! Instead, fill that time building awesome new friendships and finding and doing things that you absolutely love and completely throw yourself into. That is how you will find joy in being on your own.

    You are younger than you think and good looking, you will be fine. In the meantime, go live life icon_smile.gif

  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 22, 2015 7:14 PM GMT
    I like being alone, always have been. If I find someone I can stand being with for more than a few hours, I might reconsider it.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11823

    Feb 22, 2015 7:20 PM GMT
    Don't get the mindset that you need somebody to complete you. Work on completing yourself. Is there a passion for something you put on a shelf, so you could share it with everybody? Dust off that passion and do it. It could be traveling, art or painting, anything..Treat yourself and enjoy that passion. Sometimes the lonely times are hidden life lessons...Ask yourself, what have I learned about myself?..Your wants and needs? What personal growth has changed you for the better? Take this time and see it as precious. Enjoy and love your present bro..Cause time passes quickly...All the best.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 22, 2015 7:36 PM GMT
    Concentrate on something that makes you grow. Whether it be writing a book or learning how to write a book. Think of what you desire or wish you could do and then concentrate your efforts into moving into that direction. Maybe you want to be actor, or a model, or a programer, or an architect, or photographer, then start by reading those books and taking classes, or training, or workshops or join groups in those areas.

    If all you concentrate on is not having a relationship, then you cannot move passed that point. It becomes an obsession and you will become stuck in one spot, and you will never meet that guy you are looking for to come into your life.
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    Feb 22, 2015 7:39 PM GMT
    You'll find it add me on skype and I'll show you my magic. Def fulfilling.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2015 8:11 PM GMT
    It sounds like you've already found the joy of being independent and single, and now you're ready to share life with someone else. You have to put yourself out there and risk getting hurt a few more times before you finally meet someone great.

    I never had any problems being alone, but now that I've been with my bf for almost 2 years, it's hard for me to imagine things going back. I'm happier with him than without him.
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    Feb 22, 2015 8:59 PM GMT
    Being alone is not so terrible. Well it sucks at times. My biggest fear was that I will get used to it so much that I will never be able to let anyone in. I think I am at that point. But actually it is not as scary as I thought to be conformable with being single. Quite the opposite. You are good looking and in great shape. I bet that you also have a great personality to boost. So do not doubt for one second that you will find someone. Cheers.
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    Feb 22, 2015 8:59 PM GMT
    Being alone is not so terrible. Well it sucks at times. My biggest fear was that I will get used to it so much that I will never be able to let anyone in. I think I am at that point. But actually it is not as scary as I thought to be conformable with being single. Quite the opposite. You are good looking and in great shape. I bet that you also have a great personality to boost. So do not doubt for one second that you will find someone. Cheers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2015 10:13 PM GMT
    The first step to a relationship is you really want one is dating. Do you ever ask a guy you're attracted to or interested in out on a date?
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    Feb 23, 2015 12:00 AM GMT
    Step 1....take care of YOU. Are you date-able material? Are you pleasant to be around?
    -physical, mental, emotional, financial, career, etc.
    Step 2....don't be "desperate"....it's like blood in the water to sharks.
    Step 3....be friendly, outgoing and positive
    Step 4....know what you like and don't.
    -build your list of absolute "must have" and "no fucking way"...be realistic....and the the list needs to include "it would be a plus if"
    Step 5....respond to everyone in a civil if not kind way...you never know who may lead you to prince charming.
    Step 6....quit focusing on "gotta find a man"....and go participate in life in things you enjoy and make friends....let friends funnel potentials your way.
    Step 7....you don't need to sleep with all of them first. Its ok to get to know someone first.
    Step 8.....there are a lot of "frogs" out there....not all of them should be kissed.
    Step 9.....use multiple sources online, apps, interest/activity groups, other friends or family. Let a trusted friend read your ad or maybe write an ad for you. We are always our own harshest critic and worst at seeing our charms as anything but flaws....
    Step 10.... NEVER GIVE UP. Be genuine, honest, dignified and keep your integrity.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2015 12:41 AM GMT
    I have never been alone. I love being in love. I even love the break up, heartbreak, and finding new love.

    I think that people who are "chronically" (to use a word once used by another OP) single are afraid of heartbreak. Get out there, open your heart, fall in love, fall out of love, grieve, suffer, jump back in the sling! Life is a banquet and too many poor bastards are starving.