Is being out of the closet foolish?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2015 12:08 AM GMT
    Hey everyone,

    I've been out of the closet since age 20 and wasn't too insecure about it. But something my dad said today when I told him I'm going out for a night at a gay club(my parents are accepting) really bothered me. He got really serious and told me to be careful, and that there are people who wait outside gay clubs to attack gay guys. I didn't know what else to say and was all,"Who in California would do that?". He responded,"My cousin, he was a long-haired wildcard."

    Before that a gay dude I know got jumped in my college town with his boyfriend by 7 guys, and even in the same apartment complex I used to live in before I just moved back in with my parents. Whenever I go back to my hometown(which has a reputation as a white trash town) the first thing people from my high school tactlessly ask is,"Are you gay, I heard you're gay!".(Yes, nice to meet you too, who are you?")


    I feel like I've just been naive this whole time, going on gay sites and apps. I worry that something bad is gonna happen one day. Like I'm gonna get jumped and killed for being out, or I'll be forced to hurt someone in defense, or one of my friends or family members will get revenge and kill the perpetrator and be in prison in for life because of it. Maybe I'm overstating my point.

    Does my dad have a point, or is he just a paranoid baby-boomer?
    Have any of you had a physical or threatening scuffle because of your sexuality(Not counting high school or for being flamboyant)? I know things can't change unless people come out, but at the same time feel like I'm being selfish because of it
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    Feb 24, 2015 12:20 AM GMT
    I've been out since 1975. In Minnesota.

    I remember my mom warning me of 'that guy in Chicago' John Wayne Gacy. I wasn't out to the family officially, but I used to hitch hike in those days. She was more worried about that. But it was a more naive time, a lot of people hitched rides. Nothing happened.

    The closest I got to an assault was an egg thrown in my direction in Hillcrest San Diego, in front of a Gay bar. But a young man was murdered a week or so later 2 blocks away.

    When you leave a club do not look drunk! Even walking a block away you'd look like an easy mark.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Feb 24, 2015 12:31 AM GMT
    Hate crimes happen, but they're mercifully NOT rampant.

    You can't live your life around terrorists.

    Look, you could get in the car tomorrow, get hit by a drunk driver, and be paralyzed the rest of your life.

    You could swim in a lake, get a small cut, and contract necrotizing-fascitis and lose your right arm.

    You could eat meat and develop stomach cancer.

    You could stay closeted, and still get shot in a random armed-robbery of a 7/11 gas station and lose an eye.

    You could live in Nebraska, and get struck by a tornado.


    Live reasonably. Live prudently. But at the end of the day, you have to LIVE.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2015 12:57 AM GMT
    Sounds like you're getting a dose of reality, which is good. Yes, you should definitely not be naive and always be aware that there are crazies in the world ... although not that many are after gay men. Use good common sense at all time; if something doesn't feel right there's a good chance it's not right. I used to tell my daughter when she was becoming a teenager always to keep herself safe even if she was just partying with friends because things can go from fun to terrible in the blink of an eye ... so far she's doing okay, thank God.

    And yes being gay will make you a subject of conversation and nosy questions, which is why I fall on the discreet end of the spectrum. There's no rule that you have to announce your sexuality, IMO.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2015 1:01 AM GMT
    "...Does my dad have a point, or is he just a paranoid baby-boomer?..."

    Maybe
    -sounds like a concerned Dad to me and congrats on that; no really, Congratulations--go Dad.

    Dose it still happen? Yes.
    I've had faggot yelled toward me a few times, usually out side a gay establishment by cowards in a passing car.
    I feel a lot of men that say they are not into the "seen" fear this more then anything else.

    Now-a-days I get more positive reinforcement then negative; however, there is gay couple north of us that has had threats made and livestock killed, so no complacency here.
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    Feb 24, 2015 1:16 AM GMT


    When you leave a club do not look drunk! Even walking a block away you'd look like an easy mark. [/quote]

    Good point. Maybe there are better times to be going out with your boyfriend, and not when people are drunk and in large numbers at night.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2015 1:23 AM GMT
    He's being a concerned dad, which is cool. and he has a valid point (as others have mentioned). it happens.

    but the flip side is, you cannot live in fear. you cannot live your life thinking about "what if they know i'm gay? are they going to attack me? am i going to get fired from my job? am i going to get persecuted against?" those types of questions, while valid in some, small doses, cannot be your entire viewpoint on life.

    just be careful, take dad's advice, and continue to live your life man.
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    Feb 24, 2015 2:58 AM GMT
    It's not just a gay thing. Clubs/bars are prime targets for assholes to rob/beat people because people tend to drink a little too much and they let their guards down. We live in shitty times. There are assholes out there that fuck people up for laughs. Always be aware of your surroundings.

    search YouTube for: knockout game

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    Feb 24, 2015 4:27 AM GMT


    The real insidious homophobic ones are not the stupid ones out on the street waiting to attack you or I, watch out for your neighbors, co-workers or bosses and the people in your immediate relationships. (for analogy, see the real reason why 'Sam Wheat' was killed in the movie Ghost) icon_idea.gif

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    Feb 24, 2015 4:58 AM GMT
    we're not coming out...





    ...we're decloaking
  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Feb 24, 2015 5:12 AM GMT
    That's not likely to happen. Don't worry. It's not like every gay guy is going to have a Mathew Shephard experience (which was horrible). I think your father was overthinking. I go out to WeHo often and we hardly see any homophobic encounters there. The only times when we do is during pride week and Halloween when the Westboro church people come over. But still no violence occurs.
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    Feb 24, 2015 5:21 AM GMT
    pazzy saidBreh, it ain't just the homophobes that will get you. You gotta watch your back with folks period. Just because someone is gay like you doesn't make them your brothers keeper. It will be the same guy that you think has your back that will do you worse than the homophobe would. Don't trust anybody. Just be aware of your surroundings, always have your guard up and think.


    Ya I guess I didn't think of it like that. I just couldn't think of any way to counter argue my dad's point or reassure him, or even closeted dudes I know. Sometimes I just think of the worst cases and forget the positive. I was also upset that the first thing that came out of my dad's mouth when he thought of gay clubs is"AIDS and beatings"
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 24, 2015 5:34 AM GMT
    I think perhaps there is a bit of confusion between your title and your op. You can be out and not go out. The fact that going to gay bars could get you hurt or even killed has always existed, because as several people pointed out, there are some really fucked up people in this world. But it is not just in the gay bars. It could be any minority bar that shit like that happens. You always have to be on your guard now days. Even watching a marathon can get you killed these days, or going to the mall. There are risks in life every time you walk out your door. That should not be confused with being out. Yes you have to be careful, especially when you leave the bar. Stay out of dark secluded areas. It is a fact the criminals don't want to be seen doing their acts of violence, so most of the time they are going to lie in wait to attack when no one else is around. If you meet someone on line, meet in public. When you meet to hookup, you run the risk of something bad happening. Be aware of your surrounds and plan your exit should something go wrong. Pay attention to that inner voice that warns you something is wrong.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2015 1:02 PM GMT
    pazzy saidBreh, it ain't just the homophobes that will get you. You gotta watch your back with folks period. Just because someone is gay like you doesn't make them your brothers keeper. It will be the same guy that you think has your back that will do you worse than the homophobe would. Don't trust anybody. Just be aware of your surroundings, always have your guard up and think.


    I agree with this. Don't believe the gay community is one big happy family either. A lesbian I thought was decent turned out to be very spiteful. So, watch out for weirdos within the same community of people you hang with, because some might turn out to be your worst enemy.

    I got my revenge though with the help of USCIS and ICE. icon_twisted.gif
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    Feb 24, 2015 2:48 PM GMT
    you got no choice if your gay or straight.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 24, 2015 3:48 PM GMT
    I've had worse things than beatings done to me by bosses and peers who saw an opportunity to further their careers by being assholes to me. Or others. Don't live your life in fear but realize some, not most, but some people are just plain mean. Watch your back but don't be paranoid.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 24, 2015 4:19 PM GMT
    Never have had any issues, but I'm also late in coming out and I don't broadcast it, so to speak.

    My feeling is to take what your Dad said in context. I think many of the gains that are being made (regarding acceptance and gay marriage) might give a false sense of security. Always be vigilant when leaving any public place (gay or not) at night. I think, to lower your guard is to allow yourself to be in danger.... but I would continue to live your life in a reasonable and comfortable
    manner, aware of the potential pitfalls.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3515

    Mar 01, 2015 6:26 AM GMT
    Bring dad with you
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    Mar 02, 2015 12:13 AM GMT
    Apparition saidBring dad with you


    I actually made a joke about that with him yesterday, I told him I'd fohawk what's left of his hair and put some fabulous tight pink clothing on him. I actually went last night, and what do ya know, it was an ordinary boring safe night
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2015 4:03 AM GMT
    averagejoe20s saidIs being out of the closet foolish?
    No, not at all!

    The closet is made for guests...not the host!