My bf has no intention of coming out...

  • andy22

    Posts: 1

    Feb 24, 2015 1:49 PM GMT
    Guys please help me understand my boyfriend. I know that he loves me and i love him, and we have a serious thing going. Problem is that he is not out yet and it frustrates the hell outta me. We can be all lovie dovie indoors but one step out the door and i mustnt call him "baby", i mustnt sit too close to him in public, i mustnt say the word "gay". Moreover, i mustnt put his pic as my dp on watsapp or anywhere (but he has lotsa stupid questions when i put my friends' pics), and i mustnt mention to anyone that my boyfriend's name is Jake. I get so jealous when my friends hold hands with their partners and setting pics of them on social networks. One friend of mine who was deep in the closet recently came out and said he was inspired by his love for his new boyfriend to just do it. That somehow said to me my boyfriend doesnt love me enough to not care about anyone else and just come out, and we've been dating for some time now. If i even slightly touch on the topic he just goes, "you know how i feel about that, so lets not go there. We are fine the way we are we dont need to show off". Unfortunately im not fine with it. Im starting to feel like our relationship is not really going anywhere because of this... I wonder if i should end it. I dont want to though. It kinda seems like a silly thing to end a relationship over, especially because i know he loves me very much. But at the same time i dont feel like he loves me enoug because of this... Oh Gosh! icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2015 3:11 PM GMT
    your profile says you live in Durban, KwaZulu-Natal, S Africa. Dosnt sound like an affirming location.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Feb 24, 2015 3:31 PM GMT
    Neither my partner nor I were out when we met. When we were able to start our life as a committed couple, we both came out, but not without risk of losing friends and family. We lost neither but there was serious risk, especially for my partner--we got lucky-- or maybe it just speaks well of our friends and families. Have you two reached that level of commitment to each other? That you're ready to start your lives as a couple? Ready to lose a loved one because of your love for each other? Are you financially free of family? If not, just be patient. If you get there, the rest will follow. FB and others shouldn't matter as much as your love for your guy and understanding of what motivates him.
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    Feb 24, 2015 3:45 PM GMT
    You should let your partner know about how you feel. I don't know what were you expecting when you got into relationship with a closeted guy. I think it's hard for an open and a closeted guy to have a relationship if the closeted guy has no plan of coming out. You should talk to him.
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    Feb 24, 2015 7:06 PM GMT
    That sounds like a frustrating dilemma. I wonder if there's some way to compromise? Are there places you guys could go where he would feel more comfortable being open in public? Are there people that you and he would both trust to keep confidential information about your relationship ... so you could share info about your relationship with at least one other person? If there are no compromises and he is adamant, you're going to need to make a difficult choice.
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    Feb 24, 2015 7:38 PM GMT
    Some will say if you really love him you'll give him time and be patient, but how much time?
    Maybe set a time table with him.
    -He's said "never"?
    If you are his first real relationship then more often then not he won't come out till you've left him and he laminates as to why. The next guy will be the lucky one who get's to set next to him in the movie theater.
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    Feb 24, 2015 9:40 PM GMT
    If you live somewhere that sexual orientation could make you a target, then it would make sense to be cautious about being out.

    If you live in a country where being GLBT is accepted and acknowledge, I feel this has more to do with him than it does with you. Some people just can't accept family/friends knowing they are gay. It sucks to go back in the closet, and I know you feel that you can change someone but you will have to accept it might not happen. If that's a deal breaker for you, then this will always be a pain point in your relationship.

    I myself was in a relationship where we had to be super careful what was posted and who was tagged on FB. He had to make up stories to see me, and it limited our interactions especially since it became long distance (I moved because of work). I know what it feels like to be hopeful that the sparks at the beginning of the relationship will translate to him being proud to date you one day. For some people it could happen, for me it didn't.

    I didn't like that I was being forced back into the closet and in the end I didn't feel loved. After 3 years he couldn't say he loved me because it was acknowledging he was gay. I wouldn't say he was heartless since when I did tell him I loved him, there was always a conflicted/pained look on his face. I knew it weighed on him.

    I feel for you man. You need to decide if it's worth the heart ache to wait for something that may or may not happen.
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    Feb 24, 2015 11:44 PM GMT
    Well, if going out in public with him makes you feel unloved and ignored then maybe just don't? Restrict your relationship to when you are in private. You'd still have more contact and time with him than if you were in a long-distance relationship.
    He makes you feel happy when it's just you right? And unhappy when you go out with him. Cherish that he makes you happy, even if it isn't 100% of the time. Minimize the unhappiness he causes you.
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    Feb 25, 2015 2:09 AM GMT
    simplecollision said
    ...For some people it could happen, for me it didn't...

    for a lot, lot, lot of us it did not happen.

    -"three years"...damn
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Feb 25, 2015 5:45 AM GMT
    This OP is a fake profile. Why are there so many fake profiles with 1 or 2 posts, asking broken-English and troll-bait questions?

    I demand answers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2015 9:42 AM GMT
    Svnw688 saidThis OP is a fake profile. Why are there so many fake profiles with 1 or 2 posts, asking broken-English and troll-bait questions?

    I demand answers.

    I kind of had my doubts. This website is now a breeding ground for trolls.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2015 10:02 AM GMT
    __morphic__ said
    Svnw688 saidThis OP is a fake profile. Why are there so many fake profiles with 1 or 2 posts, asking broken-English and troll-bait questions?

    I demand answers.

    I kind of had my doubts. This website is now a breeding ground for trolls.


    And you can't report them because they're not breaking the terms and conditions of the site. Or are they? icon_surprised.gif