Post-Break Up Advice

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    Jan 22, 2009 10:05 PM GMT
    I've just separated from my boyfriend of three years. It wasn't acrimonious or because of anything either of us did; we just outgrew the romantic phase of our relationship. In some ways it makes it harder; there is no anger to focus on, just sadness at the change.

    I've not really experienced a break-up of this kind before, so any advice on how best to get through it would be greatly appreciated.
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    Jan 22, 2009 10:33 PM GMT
    keep busy! go out meet people..start a new hobby!
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    Jan 22, 2009 10:34 PM GMT
    when you're having fun you're too busy to think about someone else
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    Jan 22, 2009 10:41 PM GMT


    "we just outgrew the romantic phase of our relationship" at first we looked at each other and wondered how one does that, then we looked and saw that you're young, and so this, like our own pasts, must have been a learning relationship or one of discovery.

    (One of my exes once told another guy who asked him why my ex and I had gone out for a year then broke up and became friends, what we got from that.
    My ex told him that we'd learned how to have a relationship. - Doug)

    You'll be fine, try not to worry as you may not be in love anymore but you still care about each other. This part is good.

    best to you!
    -us
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    Jan 22, 2009 11:18 PM GMT
    What Doug from meninlove said is quite true. I too have just come out of a relationship and like yours, there was no drama, no ill feelings towards each other, just the realization that the relationship we built together was going in a different path. We're going to remain great friends as I can't imagine not having him in my life. He's a true friend, and he's helped me grow as an individual and as a partner (for lack of a better word). I thank him everyday for that and he knows that the love I have for him is unconditional.

    It'll take time london_nyc...enjoy what you have in your life and explore. You've learned, you've loved and you've lost...the future is still ahead. Live in the moment and "just be."

    DJ Tiesto - 'Just Be'

    You can travel the world but you can't run away
    from the person you are in your heart
    you can be who you want to be
    make us believe in you
    keep all your light in the dark
    if your searching for truth
    you must look in the mirror
    and make sense of what you can see

    just be
    just be

    they say learning to love yourself
    is the first step
    that you take when you want to be real
    and flying on planes to exotic locations
    won't teach you how you really feel
    face up to the fact that you are who you are
    and nothing can change that belief

    just be
    just be

    cause now i know it's not so far to where i go
    the hardest part
    is inside me
    i need to just be

    i was lost and i'm still lost but i feel so much better

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    Jan 23, 2009 12:53 AM GMT
    Probably stuff you already know - change and moving away from the familiar most always causes a sense of loss and insecurity.

    From we who have already burned through 4 or 5 boyfriends: You just get over it and develop a sense of newness and rebirth. Keep busy and do things that make you happy! Make new friends or lean on old ones.

    As far as relationships, you now have added value as you probably have grown in the former relationship. If you learn and rediscover yourself, you will only get better!



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    Jan 23, 2009 12:55 AM GMT
    Find ways to move your life forward. Don't just sit and stew.
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    Jan 23, 2009 2:00 AM GMT
    I've been in both the friendly and less than friendly break-up situation and the former is a thousand times easier. The biggest problem is falling back into things because they're comfortable. Fortunately for me, distance made that impossible and so moving on was even easier.

    Thus it probably will make things smoother if you do spend as much time apart as necessary, but when you do at least set some clear boundaries on your new agreement.
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    Jan 23, 2009 2:51 AM GMT
    Work on yourself and do the things that make you better and stronger.
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    Jan 23, 2009 2:32 PM GMT
    Thanks for the advice, guys, I appreciate it. I've only ever had the acrimonious break-up; we don't talk and it was easier because I was angry at what he'd done, how he'd treated me.

    I do consider myself lucky in that regard and in a way things ended rather poetically. For our first anniversary I'd made a little movie of photos and videos we'd taken together-- vacation in Spain, tooling around Berlin, just hanging out, the move from London to New York, lots of stuff -- and I'd set it to this song, 'Spacewalk' by Lemon Jelly. Well, last night was our last night; it was also, unfortunately, his birthday drinks (no, I didn't break up with him on his birthday; it's been happening in slow motion for about three or so weeks, it just came to a head).

    We didn't talk much throughout the evening but as all of the guests left the bar, we sat down for a last drink and talked. And as we talked, I heard the album from which that first song was taken come on. And one last time, we toasted how great we'd been while Spacewalk played. We cried a bit and left as the song finished and went back to our flat for the last night.

    Poetic, I guess. But I'll tell you, it was all I could do not to burst into tears on the subway today.

    Again, thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it.

    -Fabio
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    Jan 23, 2009 3:08 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear london_nyc.

    When I was much younger, I had a relationship that went the same route. Rather than viewing it as a loss, which in some ways it was, I decided to really be grateful for the great times we had together. I realized how much we both had gained from being with each other, and the lessons we learned along the way.

    I recognized that while it was not to be the "great love" that we both wanted, it was still love. I remember thinking, how lucky I was to have had someone so special want to be a part of my life. While the plans had changed, we remained good friends, and love continues to be shared.

    Condensed Version: Appreciate what you had, learn from your experiences, look forward to what life will bring.
  • torontoguy222...

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    Jan 23, 2009 3:11 PM GMT
    Hit the gym! And listen to some upbeat music (none of this depressing James Blunt shit). Helped me a lot! And, like others have said, keep as busy as you can.

    Best of luck, hang in there!
    Tony
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    Jan 23, 2009 3:36 PM GMT
    torontoguy2222 saidHit the gym! And listen to some upbeat music (none of this depressing James Blunt shit). Helped me a lot! And, like others have said, keep as busy as you can.

    Best of luck, hang in there!
    Tony


    Life is too short for James Blunt.

    I'm hitting the gym, turning emotion into muscle as a friend said. And trying not to listen to too much Joni Mitchell/Rufus Wainwright/Stars/ThatSortOfMidTwentiesLovesickIndiePop.

    I need some new house music.

    :-)
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    Jan 23, 2009 4:47 PM GMT
    Your three year relationship just ended. That is very sad, even if it did end on mutually agreeable terms. There is no sense in pretending you are happy or not affected by it. Give Joni a good listen until you cry yourself through "THe Last Time I Saw Richard" for the fiftieth time. Experience the emotion your brain is trying to make you feel.

    Now is the time for sadness so embrace it. Make time for the gym and socializing and what ever it is that you love to do. But don't completely shut out a natural reaction.

    But you are a tiger. I am sure you will bounce back quickly.
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    Jan 23, 2009 8:08 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidYour three year relationship just ended. That is very sad, even if it did end on mutually agreeable terms. There is no sense in pretending you are happy or not affected by it. Give Joni a good listen until you cry yourself through "THe Last Time I Saw Richard" for the fiftieth time. Experience the emotion your brain is trying to make you feel.

    Now is the time for sadness so embrace it. Make time for the gym and socializing and what ever it is that you love to do. But don't completely shut out a natural reaction.

    But you are a tiger. I am sure you will bounce back quickly.


    Thanks bud, you're right. It's hard... and hopefully I'll bounce back quickly. :-)
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    Jan 23, 2009 9:10 PM GMT


    Another way to see this, as I did with a couple of exes, was that the entire relationship didn't end.
    As you mentioned, the romantic aspect ended but you're close to each other and have a truly special loving friendship. You'll be able to help each other out in the future. That's very very lucky. As long as you're here, there's a few of us willing to keep you company too! Grieve hell yeah - we're with MunchingZombie all the way, and then...

    Here's a little something you two can give to each other....




    and here's the words, too

    "A smiling face is on earth like star
    A frown can't bring out the beauty that you are
    Love within and you'll begin smiling...
    There're brighter days ahead

    Don't mess your face up with bitter tears
    'Cause life is gonna be what it is
    It's okay, please don't delay from smiling...
    There are brighter days ahead

    A smling face you don't have to see
    'Cause it's as joyful as a Christmas tree
    Love within and you'll begin smiling...
    There are brighter days ahead

    Love's not competing it's on your side
    You're in life's picture so why must you cry
    So for a friend please begin to smile - Please
    There are brighter days ahead"