I recently discovered that i have the fear of falling in love again, but im looking for a boyfriend.. does it make any sense??

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    Mar 06, 2015 1:15 AM GMT
    A few days ago, a therapist told me that I tend to hold back and forth my feelings to open up my heart towards a good guy to be dating with. I didnt want to admit it to her at first glance, bringing out any excuse that came to my mind at the moment:
    - Im picky
    - The ones I liked didnt want to compromise or date... etc


    It doesnt make sense because I want true love and a LTR.

    I dont know if this gives any sight, but I had been in love more than once with bad results.

    Any comments?? icon_question.gif


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    Mar 06, 2015 4:01 AM GMT
    Falling In Love Again? Listen to the expert:

    [url][/url]
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Mar 06, 2015 5:20 AM GMT
    No one fears falling in love! most people fear at getting hurt, misunderstood, betrayed,rejected, not desired, etcetera, but NOT at falling in love! just be glad you know and APPRECIATE what being in love feels like, and how it brings out the best in you, in contrast of the average person these days; who have either become cynical or jaded.

    Maybe if you stop thinking about love in the first person as in "I like, I want, I need" someone may eventually fall in love with you!? no pun intended here, just making you aware that true love is caring about the needs of another as much as you should care about yours!
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    Mar 06, 2015 9:10 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidNo one fears falling in love! most people fear at getting hurt, misunderstood, betrayed,rejected, not desired, etcetera, but NOT at falling in love! just be glad you know and APPRECIATE what being in love feels like, and how it brings out the best in you, in contrast of the average person these days; who have either become cynical or jaded.

    Maybe if you stop thinking about love in the first person as in "I like, I want, I need" someone may eventually fall in love with you!? no pun intended here, just making you aware that true love is caring about the needs of another as much as you should care about yours!


    +10000000

    Totally agree, that's true love! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 06, 2015 2:45 PM GMT
    Marco_Polo saidA few days ago, a therapist told me that I tend to hold back and forth my feelings to open up my heart towards a good guy to be dating with. I didnt want to admit it to her at first glance, bringing out any excuse that came to my mind at the moment:
    - Im picky
    - The ones I liked didnt want to compromise or date... etc
    icon_question.gif


    When people say that they are "picky", they usually mean they are looking for Mr. Perfect. But perfection is NOT out there. Start looking for Mr. Pretty Good, and your dating pool will swell.

    If guys are telling things like they don't want to "compromise", you are dating the wrong guys. These men are unavailable, because they want to be single for whatever reason more than they want to be with you. If you keep going after guys like that, you are setting yourself up for failure. I'm sure you know that.

    My advice is to go on some dates with guys you wouldn't have considered before. At some point, you'll find someone that feels good enough. And don't worry, pretty good over time feels great.
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    Mar 06, 2015 5:43 PM GMT
    I love with abandon.

    I've never died from heartbreak.
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    Mar 06, 2015 7:05 PM GMT
    The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than that.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Mar 06, 2015 7:12 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidI love with abandon.

    I've never died from heartbreak.

    Ya, this is the thing. Love and be vulnerable. If things don't work out, well, they just didn't work out. You'll survive. And there will be times when you're the guy hurting him. It has to be this way until you find the right guy and love sticks. But you never will if you don't take the risk. Enjoy life!
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    Mar 06, 2015 8:40 PM GMT
    Waterhorse saidThe minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than that.


    How does one determine what one deserves? I may think I deserve a tall, dark handsome, multi millionaire. The cosmos may think I'm better off with a short, pasty white ditch digger with a heart of gold and a cock like a mule's. What a quandary.
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    Mar 06, 2015 9:05 PM GMT
    Waterhorse saidThe minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than that.

    How can you tell what you deserve?
    Your estimate may not be the same as anyone else's.

    If you need some reliable metric, take the average of those you've been able to attract so far.
    That will give you an idea of what the dating pool thinks you deserve.



  • 5100s

    Posts: 188

    Mar 06, 2015 10:35 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    Waterhorse saidThe minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than that.

    How can you tell what you deserve?
    Your estimate may not be the same as anyone else's.

    If you need some reliable metric, take the average of those you've been able to attract so far.
    That will give you an idea of what the dating pool thinks you deserve.





    Very well said. For better or worse, that's just the way it is.
  • mwolverine

    Posts: 3381

    Mar 07, 2015 12:16 AM GMT
    TexDef07 saidIf you need some reliable metric, take the average of those you've been able to attract so far.
    That will give you an idea of what the dating pool thinks you deserve.

    I think the world of what you post, but this time I disagree. Maybe because I'm going to over-analyze it. Should we throw out the min (no comment) and max (olympic ice skater) when we calculate this average? What if there is a high standard deviation? (Nerd alert!) And what do their looks have to do with what they find attractive? And are we only going on looks?

    It's probably just as true (and untrue) that "likes attract" as it is that "opposites attract". Simply put, there's no accounting for taste (or lack thereof).

    As they say in the financial world: Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

    All it takes is that one person feeling about you the way you feel about them. That person that not only can you look into their eyes forever, but you can look out - together - at the rest of the world.

    So here's what you do: be the best you can, keep your chin up, put yourself out there (is that what the OP fears?) and give it time. Good things happen to those who wait. This is a lifetime adventure, not a weekend get-away, so no need to rush.

    Signed,

    . - on the road to falling in love again. icon_smile.gif
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Mar 07, 2015 1:00 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidNo one fears falling in love! most people fear at getting hurt, misunderstood, betrayed,rejected, not desired, etcetera, but NOT at falling in love! just be glad you know and APPRECIATE what being in love feels like, and how it brings out the best in you, in contrast of the average person these days; who have either become cynical or jaded.

    Maybe if you stop thinking about love in the first person as in "I like, I want, I need" someone may eventually fall in love with you!? no pun intended here, just making you aware that true love is caring about the needs of another as much as you should care about yours!


    This. And What Ragazzo said.

    In my lay person opinion, I think you're afraid of being rejected and the hurt and pain that comes along with rejection (in yourself, being embarrassed in front of friends and family, etc.).

    Give love a shot. Keep your bottom line standards, but if you wait for Mr. Perfect, you will wind up 70 and having lived single your entire life. You MIGHT find the love of your life on the first or second try, but even if it takes a few tries, I can categorically say (as I'm sure you can relate since you said you HAVE been in love/dated seriously before) that you learn SO MUCH in each and every relationship, it's a revelation.

    Don't be uppity, bitter and single.* Let yourself be vulnerable to an extent, and jump in the water. Don't watch from the stands, take a swing at bat. Who knows what'll happen?



    *I'm not saying you are, or that you're coming across as 'uppity' and 'bitter', I'm simply saying that after a decade or so of being alone, and watching your friends' lives progress naturally, life will turn you bitter. I've had the unfortunate pleasure to meet a few of those types at the bar/club or through gay dinner parties, and it's beyond sad. They blame everyone and everything (the anti-LGBT laws, the dating pool, other guy's negative traits, the list goes on and on) except themselves, and the only way to live life in that dissonance is to become bitter (i.e., to see the world as 'less than you'), lest you realize you're the problem. You don't seem negative or sour at all now, the opposite, I just don't want to see you TURN bitter.
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    Mar 07, 2015 1:37 AM GMT
    You've only been in 1 relationship and it made you already jaded ?? lol. Try 4 !! on and off. I'm sort of having similar feelings and reservations about men in general. This is the longest I've been single so far, over 3 years. All of my previous relationships taught me something. I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of falling in love, I'm afraid of picking the wrong guy. Lol, I noticed that several younger guys than me (in mid 20s) do have an interest so I don't have to stick to my earlier type (mid 30s). Lol I'm a libra guy so yes I love and want romance very much. But I'm just afraid that the guy that I fall for will turn out to be a douche/player. icon_neutral.gificon_sad.gif
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    Mar 07, 2015 3:02 AM GMT
    _ragazzo_ said
    When people say that they are "picky", they usually mean they are looking for Mr. Perfect. But perfection is NOT out there. Start looking for Mr. Pretty Good, and your dating pool will swell.

    ...My advice is to go on some dates with guys you wouldn't have considered before. At some point, you'll find someone that feels good enough. And don't worry, pretty good over time feels great.

    Yes, I've known some guys like that. Even dated them, and of course I wasn't his Mr. Perfect myself. I don't think he exists.

    But some guys are afraid of making a long-term, if not lifetime commitment, and then discovering they made a mistake, and being stuck with the guy.

    Well, in our society you can always get out of it. Maybe not without emotional & monetary expense, but it's certainly doable. But the alternative of being forever alone, when you really don't want to be alone, may be the worse path.
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    Mar 07, 2015 3:24 AM GMT
    mwolverine said
    TexDef07 saidIf you need some reliable metric, take the average of those you've been able to attract so far.
    That will give you an idea of what the dating pool thinks you deserve.

    I think the world of what you post, but this time I disagree. Maybe because I'm going to over-analyze it. Should we throw out the min (no comment) and max (olympic ice skater) when we calculate this average? What if there is a high standard deviation? (Nerd alert!) And what do their looks have to do with what they find attractive? And are we only going on looks?...
    All it takes is that one person feeling about you the way you feel about them. Signed,

    . - on the road to falling in love again. icon_smile.gif


    I have to agree with this.
    But again, we're dealing in generalities here. You can spend an entire lifetime waiting for that one special person totally outside the standard deviation. Maybe your odds are better if you are willing to accept the mean.

  • mwolverine

    Posts: 3381

    Mar 07, 2015 4:13 AM GMT
    One definitely shouldn't pass up a good prospect for fear that there may be a "better" one down the line they'll miss out on. Like the quote in Torch Song Trilogy, the standard is "enough" (or "not enough"). I suppose statistically half the people who play "double or nothing" end up with nothing.

    I suppose the larger point is stop looking at the neighbor's lawn and what you DON'T have. Look at what you do have and run with it.
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    Mar 08, 2015 5:26 AM GMT
    I agree with some of the posts here. I tend to feel the same way...

    I will say this, you are being better about it than I ever could be! Since 2K2, I've yet to come across a guy worth my time. Mr. Right exists, but Mr. Perfect? Count on being alone for a very long time. Me, on the other hand, I am very cold-hearted towards the local guys here, some have even called me uppity. Why? That's something you may have to inbox me for. I'm 33 years old & I've come to the idea that I may be by myself; I'd rather be by myself than chase after someone who isn't giving what I'm giving or willing to treat me with the respect I deserve, as a human being. After getting dumped on Valentine's Day, I realised I deserve better than some salted garbage bag that will never be sweetened by sunshine. Given most experiences have been bad, I have more fun in the gym than I do at the bars. Who wants to be around a bunch of shiftless, shit-faced drunks? Yes, we ALL deserve better & to be loved, but not when love brings you nothing but pain.

    So in the meantime, take a deep breath & hold it, when you are comfortable with Mr. Right, exhale! Till then, I am #WaitingToExhale & may be waiting a long time...You may have better luck than me; I am, by no means, a H8R when it comes to happiness:*
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    Mar 08, 2015 9:56 PM GMT
    W8n2Xhale_Remixed saidI agree with some of the posts here. I tend to feel the same way...

    I will say this, you are being better about it than I ever could be! Since 2K2, I've yet to come across a guy worth my time. Mr. Right exists, but Mr. Perfect? Count on being alone for a very long time. Me, on the other hand, I am very cold-hearted towards the local guys here, some have even called me uppity. Why? That's something you may have to inbox me for. I'm 33 years old & I've come to the idea that I may be by myself; I'd rather be by myself than chase after someone who isn't giving what I'm giving or willing to treat me with the respect I deserve, as a human being. After getting dumped on Valentine's Day, I realised I deserve better than some salted garbage bag that will never be sweetened by sunshine. Given most experiences have been bad, I have more fun in the gym than I do at the bars. Who wants to be around a bunch of shiftless, shit-faced drunks? Yes, we ALL deserve better & to be loved, but not when love brings you nothing but pain.

    So in the meantime, take a deep breath & hold it, when you are comfortable with Mr. Right, exhale! Till then, I am #WaitingToExhale & may be waiting a long time...You may have better luck than me; I am, by no means, a H8R when it comes to happiness:*


    Wow, this is something I can relate with

    I am far for being "Pefect". Just to be clear, I meant to be picky by the means of being compatible with the other person in personality, likes, interests...

    Thank you guys!
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Mar 09, 2015 3:01 AM GMT
    I used to be very very picky about likes, tastes,and all sorts of comparabilities issues, that was until I realized...

    Cheaters are just people like me looking for love; the only difference is that they are desperate looking for it at all cost, I am not!

    No one likes a liar, but denying other people's truth is a bigger lie! so I learned to listen what my ears hear, not what my judging eyes sees!

    I used to hate the color Yellow! until one day I observe how bravely a sunflower battles the rain, weeps when there is no sunshine, but proudly and graciously smiles back at the sun! and so from that day forward Yellow never look so beautiful!

    I used to judge a drunk and a junky as repeated offender of law and order, until one day I looked into their past, and realized their lack of love/acceptance/understanding, from others, was more serious then their own addiction!

    I never understood and even voided gay men with low self esteem, until my last boyfriend got me down from my pedestal of over-confidence, and taught me to level even with him through compassion!