when FLAKEd on, do you even respond?

  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 06, 2015 11:59 PM GMT
    younger dude is flaking on a third date, which we set up earlier this week via text... There has been minimal communication but I confirmed today earlier saying "look forward to dinner w you" and he said "me too!!!." I set the time line that I'd be getting off at 430. so now off work I see the text,

    "hey I feel like an asshole but is there any way we can do lunch tomorrow or something, I 100% spaced my friends birthday."

    So instead of sending anything reactionary, I decided to chill and see what you guys think cause' I smell bullshit and even if his excuse is what happened I think flaking on people is bullshit. I definitely don't want to control other people, but I can control how I deal with these situations. This isn't my first rodeo.

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    Mar 07, 2015 12:08 AM GMT
    Well, if he's a really good fuck, I continue to communicate but don't invest anything into it. E.g., I tell him where and when I'm going to be somewhere and he's welcome to join me, but I don't count on it. If he hasn't shown within a reasonable time window... the ship sails. (Literally, in some cases.)
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    Mar 07, 2015 12:10 AM GMT
    If you smell bullshit, there's probably bullshit. Stop texting him.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 07, 2015 1:44 AM GMT
    Thank you dudes!

    so my phone died and I was busy getting a new battery at Costco when I got the second text from him. (Costco is awesome for replacing them w/in 3 years)

    Turn phone back on I see

    I feel like such an ass icon_sad.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gif

    (interesting, cause' you stopped sending me cute emojis in your texts over a week ago)

    and an hour later,
    please don't hate me...

    I'm pretty much dumbfounded

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    Mar 07, 2015 1:56 AM GMT
    Hm, it's not fun at all to be stood up or flake upon. I have a rule about this. You should be nice and receptive in the beginning, making an effort to meet up/date. Then give him about 2-3 days to see if he can make any sort of commitment to get back with you. If he's not putting in the effort, then I'd say NO, forget him and move on. He's not worth it.
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    Mar 07, 2015 2:35 AM GMT
    Whatever Brah
    Phones don't just die and Costco has never sold batteries.

    Flake once shame on you
    Flake twice shame on me.

    --I use a three strike rule
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Mar 07, 2015 2:53 AM GMT
    My way of handling things similar to that is total silence, no response. Don't let the guy know you ever read the text. Let him think it over and make the next move. Don't let the fact that you're pissed/disappointed dictate your words and actions.

    And I wouldn't give him a minute of my time after that but I'd be civil to him just to keep him from altering the story to make it look like he was the one who was shit on.

  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 07, 2015 6:40 AM GMT
    bobbobbob saidMy way of handling things similar to that is total silence, no response. Don't let the guy know you ever read the text. Let him think it over and make the next move. Don't let the fact that you're pissed/disappointed dictate your words and actions.

    And I wouldn't give him a minute of my time after that but I'd be civil to him just to keep him from altering the story to make it look like he was the one who was shit on.



    Thanks guys! Yeah i even got a phone call which I answered to hear "I feel bad/I'm sorry/I'll make it up to you.." and I'm like "alright/okkay"

    Yes it is kinda sad when things like this happen because I'm not sure if I'll ever feel like reaching out or initiating again. I prefer a one strike rule versus three, we aren't dealing with chicks. It's suppose to be either a grandslam or fouled out.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Mar 08, 2015 7:26 AM GMT
    If you're looking to date without the intention of immediate sex, then you need to evaluate how much effort you want to put into meeting someone. If they aren't putting in the same effort, then end it, explicitly...don't just let it trail. There's no need for keep flakes in your contacts list.

    I've found that even when giving someone 3rd and 4th chances to meet, if it even happens, I'm not enthusiastic about the date anymore. The spark is lost and now I've put in way more time trying to meet than actually having a meaningful interaction. You'll never really know why guys flake. What you can do is give the benefit of the doubt once, then after that, let them put forth the effort. If you don't hear from them in a few days, then delete/block. Don't waste a second thinking about someone you haven't met who isn't making an effort.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 08, 2015 8:48 AM GMT
    MarvelClimber saidIf you're looking to date without the intention of immediate sex, then you need to evaluate how much effort you want to put into meeting someone. If they aren't putting in the same effort, then end it, explicitly...don't just let it trail. There's no need for keep flakes in your contacts list.

    I've found that even when giving someone 3rd and 4th chances to meet, if it even happens, I'm not enthusiastic about the date anymore. The spark is lost and now I've put in way more time trying to meet than actually having a meaningful interaction. You'll never really know why guys flake. What you can do is give the benefit of the doubt once, then after that, let them put forth the effort. If you don't hear from them in a few days, then delete/block. Don't waste a second thinking about someone you haven't met who isn't making an effort.


    He's coming down tomorrow morning so we can "hang out all day icon_smile.gif" When he needed to reschedule he was very sweet about it and called after 2 texts and still he was worried I would "hate him". He's a good boy and since I was chill even though I was obsessed with "flakes" the rest of the night, I was able to tell him "hate? I'm on your side." I thanked him for the call the next day and we setup for tomorrow.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Mar 08, 2015 9:05 AM GMT
    Well, the red flag is already there. Are you going to want to continue to date someone who forgets about their friend's birthday party? What does that say about how he'll prioritize you in his life? By all means meet him, but be be cautious about how much effort you put forward.
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    Mar 08, 2015 2:02 PM GMT
    flaking is flaking.
    he flakes on you, he flakes on his "friends birthday" he's a chronic flake. you can't change him.

    if he can't get his shit together for even the first date, move on.

  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 08, 2015 3:35 PM GMT
    Omgoodness guys! We already met twice before. It's funny how myself included, we all barely skim through things and offer our best advice.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Mar 08, 2015 8:48 PM GMT
    I've made the mistake of responding twice to the same guy. He'd talk to me in spurts, and then abruptly vanish. He'd ignore my text messages when I'd just say hello and see how he was doing. Then fast-forward five months later, he starts talking to me again... this happened three times over the course of a year. I really liked him, and I chose to overlook his erratic communication.

    I'm done talking to him now - the third time was the final time. The sad thing is he was really good relationship material with respect to having character and a sense of loyalty, but I got the impression he was still fighting a battle with himself in the sense he hadn't come to terms with his same-sex attraction.
  • HPgeek934

    Posts: 970

    Mar 08, 2015 9:04 PM GMT
    If I'm reading this correctly he only flaked out once and seemed incredibly apologetic about. Quite frankly he could 100% be telling the truth. I know there have been plenty of times where I had made plans and completely forgot that I had something else going on until the last minute. Had he not been sorry about, which again it appears he is, then I would say it's over, but based on what I'm reading I say "shit happens" and give it another shot.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Mar 08, 2015 10:53 PM GMT
    as long as that all day hang out actually happens, then things should be fine.

    if this doesn't actually go through... do yourself a favour, and only talk, never schedule things with this guy, ever again, unless he's making the schedule.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Mar 10, 2015 4:06 AM GMT
    apologies should come in the form of grabbing his ankles that night.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 10, 2015 5:50 AM GMT
    stratavos saidas long as that all day hang out actually happens, then things should be fine.

    if this doesn't actually go through... do yourself a favour, and only talk, never schedule things with this guy, ever again, unless he's making the schedule.


    Yes! The hangout happened. We hot tubbed at my complex, watched yputube videos, listened to funk, hungout and I bought dinner.

    I decided as nice as it may seem to check in w/someone later to make sure they got back okay... doesn't seem to be an appreciated thing.

    So it was nice to feel accomplished actually having a "3rd meet" with someone. But now I'm not sure if I'll proceed by being open to him contacting me again first or what.

    I do really appreciate him making the 1 hour journey to come.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 10, 2015 6:28 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidLooks like you already got resolution on the matter.

    I know it was only a third date but just curious about this; what if he invited you to come to the party as his date? I don't know all the specifics but maybe that could have been a way to remedy the situation.


    Right? Well basically his reasons for flaking were so he could go to the "best friend's birthday party" and get super drunk. So essentially he chose partying/alcohol over keeping the commitment he may have never actually intended on keeping.

    That's pretty "tale tale" behavior
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    Mar 10, 2015 11:47 PM GMT
    glowstik said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidLooks like you already got resolution on the matter.

    I know it was only a third date but just curious about this; what if he invited you to come to the party as his date? I don't know all the specifics but maybe that could have been a way to remedy the situation.


    Right? Well basically his reasons for flaking were so he could go to the "best friend's birthday party" and get super drunk. So essentially he chose partying/alcohol over keeping the commitment he may have never actually intended on keeping.

    That's pretty "tale tale" behavior


    Well, if you are fucking a real young guy, it often goes with the territory. You could put up with it for a while if he's really nice otherwise. Maybe mentoring him will improve him to the point where he doesn't "flake out" on you. If not, well you haven't lost a lot. In the meantime, you could call him a while before any "date" and make sure he remembers, and is planning to come.
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    Mar 11, 2015 2:37 AM GMT
    Dude, if he flaked on the first date, I'd ignore/block/write him off. That's just rude.

    With that said, my best gay friend is what some of you might call "a catch" - handsome, smart, cool. But he is also the biggest flake I ever met. He has literally flaked on a date with a guy an hour or two before meeting! I just don't understand him. When I asked him why he does that, he just said, "I just didn't feel like hanging out with the dude. They should've been more interesting."
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 11, 2015 3:11 AM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    glowstik said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidLooks like you already got resolution on the matter.

    I know it was only a third date but just curious about this; what if he invited you to come to the party as his date? I don't know all the specifics but maybe that could have been a way to remedy the situation.


    Right? Well basically his reasons for flaking were so he could go to the "best friend's birthday party" and get super drunk. So essentially he chose partying/alcohol over keeping the commitment he may have never actually intended on keeping.

    That's pretty "tale tale" behavior


    Well, if you are fucking a real young guy, it often goes with the territory. You could put up with it for a while if he's really nice otherwise. Maybe mentoring him will improve him to the point where he doesn't "flake out" on you. If not, well you haven't lost a lot. In the meantime, you could call him a while before any "date" and make sure he remembers, and is planning to come.


    Thanks dudes! Yeah so it's not so much a "flaking out" problem but actually the reaaon he wanted to flake was so he could drink/party. I do think we all need to lose the "relationships" word but there can be no relationship when a person is invested that much in alcohol/drugs... That's their relationship.

    And in tossing out the concept of "relationships", I am talking about a new way of being that Eckart Tolle teaches about which is being present in the momemt which makes it possible to someone that can relate to others.

    Yes I can relate to this younger guy.