Complicated Story

  • Tooji

    Posts: 26

    Mar 07, 2015 11:50 AM GMT
    Edit: It came out quite long, sorry for that! LOL
    Hey everyone, I'm quite new here and I wanted to share a story that happened to me recently and maybe have your advice. I will start off by introducing myself: I'm 19 years old from Israel, serving in the military at the moment. I'm out of the closet, not shouting it but if you ask I will give the honest answer.
    A month ago, a guy sent me a message on one of those phone apps. He is 22 years old bisexual, he has been with a lot of women and twice with guys (as hook-ups), he is deep in the closet and doesn't want anyone to know that. Me and probably these 2 other guys are the only ones who know.
    I didn't take it as a matter at the beginning, I just went with it and we started talking. He is very sweet and we really connected, started talking and when I finally got home we went out, he picked me up and we went to a café. We talked a lot, got to know each other better, we kept talking all night we got to his car and started driving around the city with music - all the roads were so quiet because it was already late until we got to the beach and started kissing in the car there until 5 AM. It was very sweet and innocent. lol
    We kept talking on the phone until we met again the next week. It was all great but, that's how far it went.. Just keep it quiet and in the car like that? I decided to talk to him about, I've asked him if he thinks it will go further since we were really planning on taking it seriously but it seemed hard for me since he is hiding it from his friends and everyone, we can't bring each other home and it got me thinking... maybe it was too early to ask. I told him we can go slow and i'm fine with it and we will just live the moment, but I had to share what I had in my mind... So we kept going like nothing happened, he brought me home and we walked a bit in the neighborhood and said goodbye. We talked about meeting again but a few days later he sent me a message saying "I'm not in a good enough position to start a relationship with a man right now, regardless of how attractive he is to me. I've been thinking about it and I should have said it but i'm too weak when i'm next to you. It's my fault only for denying that I love men and i'm afraid my friends might see my phone and see you call or find our messages and it's not your fault, it's mine, I'm not in a position where I can allow that to myself and maybe I should have stopped when we met last time but I just can't when you're next to me. Whenever we say goodbye I only think about the next time we meet but I know it just can't happen..."
    It did hurt when he sent it, but I knew it's coming and I understand him. I don't know what can I do now. I really don't wanna lose him... We had a casual chat afterwards, I've told him I understand him and it's okay. We haven't spoken for 2 weeks now tho and I would like to know how he's doing, i'm not sure if it's the right thing to do - mainly for him... what do you guys think?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2015 2:08 PM GMT
    Until this guy learns to love himself, he's not going to be able to love you. You seem like a nice guy, and you deserve someone who's not ashamed to love you. I wish there were an easy fix, but there probably isn't. He needs to get comfortable in his own skin, but that could take years or never happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2015 2:24 PM GMT
    Tooji said
    We haven't spoken for 2 weeks now tho and I would like to know how he's doing, i'm not sure if it's the right thing to do - mainly for him... what do you guys think?

    His good-bye to you sounds final. It could be exactly as he states: he's afraid of being detected in a gay relationship.

    Therefore it would be incorrect for you to contact him, if he thinks that would expose him. The ball is in his court, to change his circumstances and lose his fears first about a gay relationship. But I wouldn't hold out too much hope for that, at least in the immediate future, likely years.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 901

    Mar 08, 2015 6:14 AM GMT
    Your post here shows that you are a genuine, kind dude with lots of empathy, and a very good head on your shoulders, too!

    Sad as this may be, you want to move on ASAP. Your friend was honest with you. He is not in a position to start any kind of relationship whatsoever at this time. Take his words for what they are worth, and focus on living a good life yourself. Getting stuck in your past even if it is recent is a bad scenario. The one that you definitely do not deserve.

    I have never been a great supporter of wearing your sexuality on your sleeve. Yet, we are writing the year 2015, and you want to have a good, fulfilled life. It is one thing to be discrete, and exercise some common sense about the private aspect of a m2m friendship, and it is quite another thing to be so deeply attached to your own heterosexual image that you cannot sustain a simple male friendship with benefits at his age of 22.

    You deserve better!

  • Tooji

    Posts: 26

    Mar 08, 2015 10:23 PM GMT
    Thank you very much for your words and thank you for your help, I really needed a second opinion. icon_smile.gif