I will never be Gay

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2015 10:25 PM GMT
    Hello - i just needed to spill my brain....and i understand if it's not interesting at all.

    i came out not too long ago - meaning, i started telling some people. well, it's been the strangest thing because i just feel like the gay part of me has become like almost 100% of me....it's what i think about all the time. i notice guys more. horny as a teenager, etc. but despite becoming desperate, i just can't take the leap of getting with a guy. one night stands are almost out of the question.... i don't feel i would enjoy it (and haven't in the few times it's happened a long time ago).

    the conundrum: desiring dating/romance/companionship while also being in this kind of gay puberty where it's "all about the sex" - which just makes you feel nasty about yourself. i can't figure out what it is that i want it's so confusing.

    the problem: i can't accept myself. i've tried. i've never understood how people flippantly say to just accept yourself like it's never occurred to someone to try accepting themselves. i know i'm not the only one - but it would be nice to hear from anyone who is in that horrible limbo of a place of literally not being able to accept the gay part of themselves - even when it seems to consume everything about you. like you're almost a hypocrite......because you have all those feelings in you so naturally.........i have gotten to the point of taking things more serious with a few guys...and every time, i just can't do it. it just weighs on my chest like it's not right or something. i've even wondered if taking sex out of the equation would help....but don't really know. can't fight that i don't think.

    it always seems to puzzle guys when i break off things (very early)....and i just don't even take the chance anymore because i'm just expecting from past experience that i will get that horrible feeling in my chest and waste their time or hurt or confuse them.

    i could ramble all day, but i will leave it at that. not sure if i have to say this, but this situation is obviously nothing to do with internalized homophobia - please don't go there. : ) i like gay people too much...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2015 10:28 PM GMT
    Question: I notice you live in a small Texas town. Were you brought up in a very religious home by chance?
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    Mar 09, 2015 10:31 PM GMT
    i was raised in a big city, but yes - also religious...though my family wasn't.
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    Mar 09, 2015 10:50 PM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidi was raised in a big city, but yes - also religious...though my family wasn't.


    Sometimes that can have a lot to do with coming to terms with being gay. Well....a LOT of the time.
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    Mar 09, 2015 10:57 PM GMT
    Radd said
    wildtruffle14 saidi was raised in a big city, but yes - also religious...though my family wasn't.


    Sometimes that can have a lot to do with coming to terms with being gay. Well....a LOT of the time.


    Yeah, until you can get past that, you're never going to be truly happy in life.
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    Mar 09, 2015 11:19 PM GMT
    willular - it's very odd, but when i am actually getting to know a guy intimately i actually become less happy. it may be exciting or other things, but i have yet to find it something that makes me truly happy. repressing that part of me doesn't make me truly happy, either - but it's somehow better than being full out "myself"
  • tazzari

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    Mar 09, 2015 11:27 PM GMT
    For some, maybe a lot of people, coming out has allowed the door to be opened on a lot of feelings hitherto kept in check – they just flood out. That’s pretty natural, and it’s not nasty, it’s human. For someone like me, with a family/religious background stressing monogamy, faithfulness and commitment, that meant a degree of frustration. I still believe in those things, and have never been a one-night-stand person, and I’m glad, because what I did have, until he died, was wonderful. Being gay does not need to equal getting laid all the time. It means being You. Being

    At the same time, accepting yourself is far broader than just coming out. You have to earn real self-acceptance, and that includes being proud of what you do, what you have accomplished, what you’ve learned. If you can combine all those into Who You Are, it’s wonderful, and it will include, though not be built on, the gay part.

    Remember that straight people have usually had years of learning how to date and have relationships, with everyone cheering them on. It sounds like you’re just entering all that, and it takes some time. Eventually you find out how, meet the right person, and it happens. Even then, it can take some getting used to!

    As to religion, maybe look into some of the more accepting ones? I belong to an Episcopal Church that is very active in all sorts of positive ways, and among those is being wholly and fully accepting of LGBT people: we have gay clergy, a Matthew Shepard Sermon, march with several other churches in the Pride Parade… A community like that is hugely supporting and helps you build self-esteem.

    Best of luck to you. It sounds as if you’re on the right troad; don’t get too discouraged at the bumps and steep hills.
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    Mar 09, 2015 11:47 PM GMT
    thank you tazzari - that really resonates with me - focusing on being proud of what i do, what i've accomplished, what i've learned foremost.
    : )
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    Mar 09, 2015 11:51 PM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidwillular - it's very odd, but when i am actually getting to know a guy intimately i actually become less happy. it may be exciting or other things, but i have yet to find it something that makes me truly happy. repressing that part of me doesn't make me truly happy, either - but it's somehow better than being full out "myself"


    coupled with "in this kind of gay puberty where it's "all about the sex" - which just makes you feel nasty about yourself."

    I think you have a lot of sexual issues in general. You're going to have to get to the bottom of it to ever be happy.
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    Mar 09, 2015 11:54 PM GMT
    tazzari saidFor some, maybe a lot of people, coming out has allowed the door to be opened on a lot of feelings hitherto kept in check – they just flood out. That’s pretty natural, and it’s not nasty, it’s human.

    Wonderfully stated. And that does pretty much describe me.

    And BTW, for the last 20 years since coming out, I've never been happier in my life. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 10, 2015 12:10 AM GMT
    Have you sought therapy?
    What, if any research have you done?
    A good read: "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives" by Joe Kort Ph.D.

    I can't help but believe you would be just as unhappy, maybe more so, in a hetero relationship.
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    Mar 10, 2015 12:12 AM GMT
    I think you are a bisexual, i am too but i dont tell people. icon_wink.gif
    Although I don't have crushes on other guys and I don't really give man hugs, I feel I'm too straight to be gay, and I think I'm too gay to be straight... As a bisexual myself, I can tell you that even when one plays both sides of the fence, that real love is hard to find. Anyways, I think that's what scares you. You want to get along with everyone, but not everyone understands/accepts or even believes in bisexuality. You want to be "like everyone else," but you can't be.
  • tazzari

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    Mar 10, 2015 12:21 AM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidthank you tazzari - that really resonates with me - focusing on being proud of what i do, what i've accomplished, what i've learned foremost.
    : )


    You're welcome. And I had to answer: love truffles! icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 10, 2015 12:22 AM GMT
    marco7_5 saidI think you are a bisexual, i am too but i dont tell people. icon_wink.gif
    Although I don't have crushes on other guys and I don't really give man hugs, I feel I'm too straight to be gay, and I think I'm too gay to be straight... As a bisexual myself, I can tell you that even when one plays both sides of the fence, that real love is hard to find. Anyways, I think that's what scares you. You want to get along with everyone, but not everyone understands/accepts or even believes in bisexuality. You want to be "like everyone else," but you can't be.

    True. But then NONE of us can be like EVERYONE else. Our individual strength is in being a little bit different.

    The best we can manage is to be as we are. And if that's not good enough for the OP, well, maybe therapy as Dustin_K_tex suggests is a good option to explore.
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    Mar 10, 2015 12:35 AM GMT
    marco - interesting. i was into girls up until the age of 9...meaning i had real girl crushes....but then i thought i became gay or something because all i started having were boy crushes....then in college i became super enamored with this girl ( i don't really know what it was to be honest) and we dated seriously for 4 years.....and another girl i really liked when i went to trade school though my feelings for her scared me away from pursuing anything. the two latter girl-interests came in the midst of feeling fully gay - which came as a kind of surprise - made me feel uncomfortable that i was feeling those things both emotionally and physically. i still do get interested in girls occasionally - mainly physically....but i can't say i've ever viewed myself as bisexual....it's strange. mostly, i can't fathom being in a hetero relationship. but now that i really think about it, i can kind of see that there is a "straight" element to me -

    thanks for the thought....
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    Mar 10, 2015 12:36 AM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidi was raised in a big city, but yes - also religious...though my family wasn't.



    Societal religious oppression.... especially against gay men, as a community, were forced to hide ourselves in the shadows, go from partner to partner, in secret places, in the closet. I think its generational conditioning by conservativeness. After gay marriage is legal in all 50 states, and give it 10 years, more or less, dating and marriage among gay men will replace the one night stands, or at least 50% of it. Now, how to calculate, the divorce rate icon_lol.gif

    Something new is being born, like a caterpillar into a butterfly



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    Mar 10, 2015 12:37 AM GMT
    dustin - i have not sought therapy. this could be taken the wrong way, but i don't really believe in paying someone to do that - i would rather rely on friends or people i trust. i have researched my eyeballs out and thought and written on this topic most of my life.
  • mwolverine

    Posts: 3386

    Mar 10, 2015 1:47 AM GMT
    I'm a little bit confused because I'm not sure I understand the "conundrum" with respect to the thread title ("I will never be Gay") and "the problem":

    wildtruffle14 saidthe conundrum: desiring dating/romance/companionship while also being in this kind of gay puberty where it's "all about the sex" - which just makes you feel nasty about yourself. i can't figure out what it is that i want it's so confusing.

    the problem: i can't accept myself. i've tried.

    From everything else you write, it sounds like you are dealing. You might still not be comfortable with it, but it takes time. Don't sweat it.

    What you don't appear to be comfortable with is that "it's 'all about the sex' - which just makes you feel nasty about yourself." It doesn't have to be that way, that's your choice. You can be a kid in the candy store, casually grabbing all the fast/junk food you can get, or you can have some well balanced, healthy, meals as part of a more meaningful relationship.
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    Mar 10, 2015 2:00 AM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidI will never be Gay
    Good. You don't look hot enough to be gay with me anyway.

    Have fun with your pussy(s). icon_twisted.gif
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    Mar 10, 2015 2:09 AM GMT
    wolverine - i think you are right..
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    Mar 10, 2015 2:22 AM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidblah blah blah - but it's somehow better than being full out "myself"
    If being full out "myself" (err, YOURself) means killing people, cutting off their toes, BBQing them, and serving them as hors d'oeuvres with toothpicks (or plastic mini-swords), then feel free not to be yourself. People will thank you.
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    Mar 10, 2015 2:38 AM GMT
    " Being gay does not need to equal getting laid all the time. It means being You. Being "

    tazzari, Thanks!

    I realized the truth of your words very early after acknowledging my true sexual attractions.

  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Mar 10, 2015 3:36 AM GMT
    [quote]
    ....i have gotten to the point of taking things more serious with a few guys...and every time, i just can't do it. it just weighs on my chest like it's not right or something. i've even wondered if taking sex out of the equation would help...  [/quote]

    How about trying this next time: tell him that you are just trying some sex for fun, but mostly looking for a pal. Not everyone out there would say no to that.

    If moderation is the principle of virtue as Aristotle puts it, then moderation in love between men takes a long time to master - balancing the intensity and the pleasure; the physical with the emotional and spiritual. After 4 decades of practice I'm still learning. And there's no one exclusive way to do it.

    Forgive yourself a lot of time, and keep practicing and learning about yourself and human society.
  • mmmship

    Posts: 152

    Mar 10, 2015 3:41 AM GMT
    What? Why are u so consumed and eager to define yourself? You can't just live the way u want to? Why do u even give a flying f*ck about how other gay men like to live? You didn't make that post telling us that u are an individual, independent man, you posted all those words because u don't find yourself belonging in that specific group of sex hungry gay men. Why do u think that the problem begins and stays with u? It has nothin to do with ur sexuality at this point.

    You have to be strong. Stop wasting time on defining life based in ur sexual preference. Stay strong, brother. Stay strong.
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    Mar 10, 2015 3:58 AM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidmarco - interesting. i was into girls up until the age of 9...meaning i had real girl crushes....but then i thought i became gay or something because all i started having were boy crushes....then in college i became super enamored with this girl ( i don't really know what it was to be honest) and we dated seriously for 4 years.....and another girl i really liked when i went to trade school though my feelings for her scared me away from pursuing anything. the two latter girl-interests came in the midst of feeling fully gay - which came as a kind of surprise - made me feel uncomfortable that i was feeling those things both emotionally and physically. i still do get interested in girls occasionally - mainly physically....but i can't say i've ever viewed myself as bisexual....it's strange. mostly, i can't fathom being in a hetero relationship. but now that i really think about it, i can kind of see that there is a "straight" element to me -

    thanks for the thought....


    So you have crushes on many girls. Maybe you're not really gay at all. icon_confused.gif That's why you don't find dates with guys fulfilling.