No One Gets Everything, But...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2015 10:55 PM GMT
    What do you guys require to be in a relationship? I'm looking for some relationship advice.

    I've been hanging out with a guy for four months. We're having great sex -- best I ever had, by far. And he's got integrity, good morals, and a very kind heart. Age is good (he's 41, I'm 43), physical activity level is similar. Sometimes I feel like I love him, and I can't remember the last time I felt that while I was with somebody. (Usually I feel six or seven months after the relationship has ended….)

    But here's the thing: this guy doesn't listen and just doesn't have self-awareness about that kind of thing. When we're doing something or working on a project, he's great company. When we're just sitting on the couch talking, it gets hard to take. Like half an hour can go by with him just talking.

    I brought this up once. We talked about it. Not much changed.

    I've been single for a real long time, and I'm not the easiest guy to get along with. So part of me thinks that I should enjoy this while it lasts; best thing I've had for a while. Another part of me thinks that without the possibility of really talking, this can't last.

    What would you all do?

  • jeep334

    Posts: 410

    Mar 10, 2015 12:06 AM GMT
    The sex is good. Age is a right fit for you. Good morals. Sounds like a win/win so far. I understand that maybe he talks too much for your liking but if it was love I was feeling, I'd make the adjustment. Who knows what he's already adjusted in his life for you? icon_cool.gif
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    Mar 10, 2015 12:15 AM GMT
    Not everyone is perfect...we all know that, and any one of us who has had a long term relationship knows there is give and take. There were days I loved my ex-husbands and days just wanted them to stay in the other room...like, all day, LOL. That is also normal; it's part of a comfortable, healthy relationship. Perhaps this guy of yours was also single for a long time before you came along, and his constant talking and lack of listening to you stems more from the fact that he is so happy to HAVE someone now to talk to and share with, he gets a little carried away. Maybe, as he grows more secure in the relationship, this will diminish. Another thing to consider, even though I am sick to death of how every other person on the planet is now labeled with some form of ADHD...but perhaps he really has some kind of attention deficit or disorder that prevents him from picking up on social queues like most people do. If he is constantly going a mile a minute, maybe you could use other tactics, such as humor, to get a point across to him without hurting his feelings. When he gets too chatty, smile or take his hand or something affectionate and ask him to come up for air, or put a lid on it...in a tactful, playful way. He may not even realize he is the way he is. A lot of people have habits that have developed over the course of their lives and become so ingrained into their own personality they don't even notice any longer, unless someone points it out.

    It sounds to me like you really like the guy and other than this one issue, things are pretty good. I think you should give it a little more time, try some different tactics to make him more self-aware, and he could very well end up improving. Again...perhaps it is a defense mechanism he has developed, and it will just take someone showing him affection and understanding that will allow him to ease up. Good luck!
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Mar 10, 2015 12:17 AM GMT
    Honestly, it sounds like you found a great guy. You're attracted to him and him back, you enjoy hanging out with him... I mean, not everyone can get those kinds of qualities in a guy they are pursuing. Okay, maybe he does talk a lot but if you can look past that, I think you found a good match. If it does bother you, you could try talking to him about it BUT it can be risky...

    You don't really explain what he talks about though. Does he tend to ramble on a subject? Too much randomness?

    I do hope everything works out for you because I'm sure these kinds of things can get worked out.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Mar 10, 2015 12:36 AM GMT
    It's understood no one person can be everything we would like. Sounds like he's some valuable items on your bullet list. I think being able to talk to each other and really listen in return is a fairly essential quality in a relationship. But its possible you can have this need met elsewhere, with a friend or family member. I guess you just have to decide how necessary it is in your potential partner. One big item on the list can outweigh all the others, but the opposite can be equally true.
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    Mar 10, 2015 1:21 AM GMT
    RunnerBen said
    I've been hanging out with a guy for four months. We're having great sex -- best I ever had, by far. And he's got integrity, good morals, and a very kind heart. Age is good (he's 41, I'm 43), physical activity level is similar. Sometimes I feel like I love him, and I can't remember the last time I felt that while I was with somebody....

    What would you all do?


    The first thing I would do if I were you is review all the RJ threads lamenting how hard it is to find anyone - anyone at all. If you factor in all the qualities you describe - hot sex, integrity, values, kindness, age appropriate, and fitness-oriented -- you have won the dating lottery.

    Some of us suffer from the delusion that love requires no less than perfection. The reality is that even the best relationships are works in progress. There are times when you feel wonderfully connected, and there are times when you'd rather be in a different room.


    Appreciate him for what he has to offer, and subtly work on those things you are less happy with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2015 1:29 AM GMT
    Some guys want a great conversationalist others great sex.
    Is he a mumbler, because he'd need a large penis...
    "Self Aware"icon_lol.gif My man is clueless.

    Eventually he is going to run out of things to talk about, right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2015 4:29 AM GMT
    It sounds like you've found a winner.

    This is a behavior that you two can work on, in my view. My guess is that he has no idea that it bothers you as much as it does.

    Bring it up again, and be very serious and confident when you do so. If it's honestly at the point that you're considering breaking it off with him, you've got nothing to lose.

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    Mar 10, 2015 4:42 AM GMT
    Do you get the sense that he doesn't "listen" or doesn't "care"? He may yap a lot, and not let you get a word in...but does he know your favorite color? How you like your coffee? Foods you hate? Your middle name? Would his birthday gift to you be thoughtful and personal...or just a gift card?

    He may talk your ear off, like my mom does with my whole family, but he also may be listening and observing and caring enough to remember things that are important to you too.
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    Mar 10, 2015 5:06 AM GMT
    RunnerBen said... When we're just sitting on the couch talking, it gets hard to take. Like half an hour can go by with him just talking... I've been single for a real long time, and I'm not the easiest guy to get along with. So part of me thinks that I should enjoy this while it lasts; best thing I've had for a while. Another part of me thinks that without the possibility of really talking, this can't last. What would you all do?


    if he is out of control with excessive verbiage just kiss his face till he stops. It might be fun and gets the point across.

    If your have witnessed that you are indeed not the easiest guy to get along with and personal critical thinking has not resolved your bad, hire some critical thinking. Critical thinking comes at a high hourly rate but if your willing to change some times the only way.
    Serious; find a trusted therapist to give you some self confidence that you can, if you want, treat your partner better.
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Mar 10, 2015 6:44 AM GMT
    My partner, whom I've been with for 21 years, does that talking all the time thing. Believe me, you learn how to tune it out after a while.

    I always say, "50 words or less," meaning if you have something to tell me you better tell me in 50 words or less because I'll just automatically start to tune you out after the first 50 words.
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    Mar 10, 2015 11:49 AM GMT
    monet saidMy partner, whom I've been with for 21 years, does that talking all the time thing. Believe me, you learn how to tune it out after a while.

    I always say, "50 words or less," meaning if you have something to tell me you better tell me in 50 words or less because I'll just automatically start to tune you out after the first 50 words.


    That's pretty amazing. You all have excellent communication, that you can be that direct and honest with each other.
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    Mar 10, 2015 3:39 PM GMT
    What happens after the thrill of sex wanes? Next time he won't stop talking, gag him.
  • Antarktis

    Posts: 213

    Mar 10, 2015 4:41 PM GMT
    monet saidMy partner, whom I've been with for 21 years, does that talking all the time thing. Believe me, you learn how to tune it out after a while.

    I always say, "50 words or less," meaning if you have something to tell me you better tell me in 50 words or less because I'll just automatically start to tune you out after the first 50 words.


    My great-grandfathercould make his point in 10 or less.
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    Mar 10, 2015 5:16 PM GMT
    TL : DListen

    CoolBlackDude619 saidDo you get the sense that he doesn't "listen" or doesn't "care"? He may yap a lot, and not let you get a word in...but does he know your favorite color? How you like your coffee? Foods you hate? Your middle name? Would his birthday gift to you be thoughtful and personal...or just a gift card?

    He may talk your ear off, like my mom does with my whole family, but he also may be listening and observing and caring enough to remember things that are important to you too.


    Some of my first thoughts on reading the OP were along those lines. Why doesn't the person listen? Is it absentmindedness, selfishness, distraction? Does the one-way conversation derive out of anxiety or insecurity? Is the person always talking to remind themselves that they're here on the planet and here's my voice to prove it like a little kid screaming for attention, to be noticed, to announce themselves? Is their display sharing or showing?

    Also you have to be careful even with kindnesses because that can be faked and manipulative and that front can be held up for a long time before damage done.

    I've known two incessant talkers, both in my life for decades, both turned out to be psychopaths. One was an evil bitch who screwed my mother, the fake step grandmother who married my grandfather who wound up hardly ever saying a word to anyone because he could never get a word in at home. He wound up shutting himself off. It got so bad that I didn't even learn until recently from a cousin that he had a half-sister whose name and number I now have. He so stopped talking that I didn't know until now about a whole family of cousins. That's so fucked up.

    The other bitch, a monstrous cousin, used to talk my ear off. She could go on for an hour at a time describing the details of her laundry folding. She wound up screwing me big time.

    But also I can talk quite a bit, you might have noticed, and I've friends who do as well. I've one friend who can talk as much as me and we talk simultaneously yet we both hear and respond to what the other is saying even though to an outsider (& they've commented) it sounds like overlapping unintelligible garble, which is so funny to us, because we get it, we multitask.

    So not necessarily a red flag, but it could be.

    If I evaluate the talking as relatively harmless, I can maybe overlook. Not listening is not as easy to not see. And any hint of cruelty though is a bloody red flag. A good heart is not only non negotiable but it even makes up for someone who tests as having a lack of intelligence; it's like them getting the extra credit question right. In my hidden profile under guys I'm looking for is simply a youtube of Neil Young's Heart of Gold.

    Just as you have to evaluate communication skills, even a person's kindness must be somewhat suspect because if not genuine, as the artificial and authentic can look the same, it could be used to ingratiate to manipulate to allow for abuses. You wouldn't draw someone in by being cruel so that you'd have the opportunity to be kind. The disordered draw others in by being kind so they have the opportunity to be cruel.

    That's only happened to me four times. Once I went into with my eyes open, young and thinking I could being a good example to the guy. But years later he wound up inflicting his cruel streak on others (not to me) physically--and I tried but couldn't stop it--so that ended that. Twice by the incessant talkers, one born into my life and the other married into my family. And once here online, with a real creepy guy who showered me with flatteries for two years before trying to shower me with piss. Many of you have witnessed that, most of you silently, others of you, who can especially go fuck yourselves, abhorrently lying about it.

    So those disgusting people are out there in great numbers and they'll get into your life. So don't just be aware. Beware.

    I've more leeway for self-awareness issues. Can someone be too self-aware, might that be intimidating? I don't expect a partner to be able to practice dream yoga as do I and I've only dated one at that degree of self awareness.

    We all to some degree sleepwalk through life. I tend to be highly self aware and I've worked at that consciously since I was a little kid, both in my introspection and externally in my consideration for people who aren't trying to screw me. But also I sleepwalk a little in living. I tend to be not very self aware of my body and place in the world so I can get klutzy. Hell, I keep Band-Aids in my car. When gardening, forget it, I'm a bloody mess. even my face is slashed right now, a damned branch got me. Ouch. But the boo looks great where I put it so it was worth it.

    I could never learn how to throw a ball though my pool game can get quite good. I was never a runner, not just by bad knees but I couldn't figure out how to make my body move on land unless I'm having sex and then I connect with gusto.

    But I'm a very strong swimmer and people have commented on the grace of my stroke. So that awareness of the body aspect of my self in space, my proprioception, fluctuates in its level of self awareness. And sometimes I'm absent minded or otherwise distracted. A friend once told me that he was right next to me in traffic honking his horn at me, I had the top down, yet I didn't have a clue he was right there. Sometimes we get lost in thought, which is fine. It is being lost by thoughtlessness which is not acceptable.
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    Mar 10, 2015 7:30 PM GMT
    You need to be more specific. "Talking a lot" is no dire threat to a relationship. "Not caring about your input" or "not wanting to know what you think and feel" is definitely a problem.
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    Mar 10, 2015 11:40 PM GMT
    RunnerBen saidSometimes I feel like I love him,

    Either you do or you don't. If you don't, you are in some sort of loveless relationship. You may develop love. You decide whether to keep at it or not.

    If (or when) you do, although you have outlined pros and cons, just keep him and negotiate, or learn to tune him out.
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    Mar 11, 2015 1:19 AM GMT
    Conversation is super important to me, so I can understand where the OP is coming from. If we're talking about a future husband - someone you're going to be with forever - then, yeah, I do think you get to be picky. We're talking about the long haul here!

    I had perfectly great bf's in the past, but if I settled, I wouldn't be with the amazing guy I have now - someone who's my equal in every way. Sure, he isn't perfect, but I like the little weird things. They don't get in the way. So maybe I'm different than everyone else on this topic, but the OPP deserves to be fulfilled completely in his relationship.
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    Mar 11, 2015 7:57 AM GMT
    I wonder how out this "almost" dream man is because none of my RJ Buddies I've gotten close to wouldn't say the same thing about me. I "talk" way the fuck too much and most of it probably bores the snot out of whoever's reading it. But there are reasons for this. All of five of my friends have any clue that I'm gay. None of my co-workers, none of my classmates, and sure as shit not my parents. There's so much my friends as awesome as they are just plain don't get even though they try. I'm so damn HAPPY to have found this site & so impatient to be totally out somewhere somehow that I haven't been the nicest person to a few pervs and douches on here that I'd ordinarily just ignore. icon_redface.gif (Like what I posted earlier about DOTD. Dramatic much? I know...)

    It's been like a dam breaking to be 100% myself even if the friends are miles and miles away and only online. I can send them four whole paragraphs just about a porn star and they're cool about it. They skip over the 98% that's boring or silly and don't say anything. In person there's no way it can be that easy. So the advice of this wise old 20 y/o is to learn some more about how openly gay this man is and how many friends he has who know. You could be some of the only "ears" he's ever had.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Mar 11, 2015 9:32 AM GMT
    Bring it up again! Let him know that good communication is vital and can't be one sidedicon_idea.gif

    Maybe he's a Sag. We never stop talking.
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    Mar 11, 2015 8:17 PM GMT


    Are you sure it's his talking that bugs you so much? This intrigued me:
    "Sometimes I feel like I love him, and I can't remember the last time I felt that while I was with somebody. (Usually I feel six or seven months after the relationship has ended….)"

    What do you feel about him the rest (most) of the time?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Mar 11, 2015 8:55 PM GMT
    Everybody has quirks. They become part of who he is and to some extent, you should love the flaws because they are part of what makes him him. That doesn't mean you don't see them as flaws. I know a married lesbian couple that one of the partners constantly tells long, long, long boring stories and frequently ones you've heard before (usually when she drinks- which is all the time). Usually her partner will just go about her business and ignore the story but occasionally she'll jump in with "Wrap it up! Too long!" Neither gets mad about it. Point is, flaws can really irritate you if you're not in love. They seldom do if you are. Do not take the advice above and think you can change him. He may or may not change but if you feel the need to change him, you don't love him. My partner plays video games on his phone all the time. When I feel ignored, I raise my hand and say something like "Yes, I'm here, too!"