Are gay mens intimacy issues stemmed from internalised homophobia?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2015 12:26 AM GMT
    i2ci2i back here for a single thread, one exhaustive issue with my life is I have been unsuccessful in finding love, I know I am only 24 but I am alone and want to be happy with someone, one reason I left this forum is because I wanted to devote more time to my real life and real relationships or lack there of.

    Most gay men seem to be unwilling or unable to commit to even a single date let alone a steady monogamous relationship, (again please don't derail this thread with the monogamy debate) I have asked out a thousand guys and almost all say they "dont do relationships" "don't date" "not looking a boyfriend I have friends etc"

    Most gay men waste their lives on NSA like meth addicts waste their lives on Crystal, destroying any chance at finding companionship.

    This indeed is by far the biggest issue in the gay community and is something I loose sleep over every single night cause I dont want to go through this entire life alone like I have done for the first 24 years of it, Id love to know why gay men almost universally don't date and only have sex.

    I have problems fighting my libido and have wasted a lot of my youth on casual sex, and I try to fight it but it is so easy and addictive, but I am still more than willing to have sex in a relationship but asking for one from another man feels almost unthinkably rude to ask of a guy these days with the reactions they give you.

    So many bi guys who fuck guys and only exclusively date girls, married men, etc.

    I recently had the first "relationship" I ever had after 6 years of being out, and it only lasted a week, turned out the guy was just full of shit, and at 24 and 6 years of being out and the best relationship I ever had was one week long, Ive had enough.

    The only man I have ever been able to really relate to on this entire planet is myself, I am so far the ONLY guy in my real life I know or have met who is actually genuinely serious about finding real love, and its only because of me that I haven't lost all hope in mankind and blown my brains out.

    Again, please dont say "stop looking for love or trying so hard or you should be happy with yourself blah blah blah, stick to the question cause honestly I do not expect the right answer from any posters cause if any of you knew the answer then there wouldn't be a problem in the gay community with love/intimacy/relationships/commitment to begin with, what I do hope is that some of you actually decide to think about this issue bit more and realise what I have, the problem is YOU!!! Yes you! I am not counting the minority of guys here who are in happy relationships, but even them are at fault for not trying to fix this endemic fuckedupness in the gay male community.

    I am not saying most of you need to leave this website and find a man in your local area, Id just like to know if my theory is a good possiblity and hopefully get some good insights from a couple of good posters, is internalised homophobia the reason the average gay guy says no to going for a date but yes to just sex?

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    Mar 10, 2015 2:29 AM GMT
    i2ci2i22 saidAre gay mens intimacy issues stemmed from internalised homophobia?
    No. It goes much deeper than that. I know many hetero guys who can't be intimate either.
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    Mar 10, 2015 2:51 AM GMT
    Nice to see you back, D. But you're not telling the whole truth here....there was another relationship before, but as I recall it ended very badly.
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    Mar 10, 2015 3:03 AM GMT
    Thank you for this post, OP. I made a similar thread like this a few weeks ago and was flamed and called a "slut-shamer" by some "older" members on here for not giving into the rampant NSA sex community that seems like the majority nowadays. I too suffered from periods of self-hate, worrying something was wrong with myself for seeking commitment instead of NSA sex. The I realized that I wasn't the problem. And the others weren't really the problem either..it was just a "to each their own" situation. I do strongly think a lot of men lack self-control, and I have prided myself in having self-control and not relentlessly pursuing different sex partners night after night. It just gets old, and dangerous at some points.

    To answer your main question, I think "intimacy issues" is a little vague... I do think gay men have issues with committing in relationships partially due to not fully accepting themselves. When I was 19 and 20 in college, and considered myself "closeted bi," I knew I liked men but at that time I was only interested in the sexual aspect. I thought that by dating a guy, that would solidify my homosexuality from that point on. It just takes different people different times to get out of the "hookup" stage. When I had my first serious relationship it was then that I realized that that was what I truly wanted, and the experience of the relationship overshadowed the fact that my being gay was now pretty much solidified.
  • Zigs_01

    Posts: 226

    Mar 10, 2015 6:50 AM GMT
    So how many people have you slept with?
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1132

    Mar 10, 2015 7:56 AM GMT
    Zigs_01 saidSo how many people have you slept with?


    Not to actually answer your question or any other question in this thread, but I can't help put my finger on it yet, but something like virginity in one person, for example, can induce physiological changes in another person they are in contact with and may actually make that person more capable of commitment to that person even if such a person was highly promiscuous before. And I can't put my finger on this yet as well, but some divorce middle age individuals become rather promiscuous like the college age children they might have, and what is generally seen as problems inherent within the gay community may in fact become problems that will manifest themselves everywhere eventually...
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Mar 10, 2015 8:27 AM GMT
    Interesting thread.

    I'm pulling out some things you've said in order to comment on them. You said you've invited thousands of men out on dates. By that I'm assuming you mean asking them out after meeting them online in dating apps. You do realize that not all and most likely not even most men your age are dependent on the internet/dating apps to meet other men. Dating apps are like a dark crowded singles bar from the 1980s to the 1,000,000 power. They're really not conducive to much more than finding hook ups and like old singles bars, less than a tenth ever do hook up every time they attempt it.


    You said.
    "Most gay men waste their lives on NSA like meth addicts waste their lives on Crystal, destroying any chance at finding companionship."

    I'm not going to dispute that but it does oversimplify the overall picture. What other means are there of finding men suitable for relationships than meeting as many as you possibly can? My first relationship (23 monogamous years long until he was killed in a car wreck) was with a man who was a prolific NSA slut. As things turned out it was good for us that he'd been that way. By the time he and I were involved he was totally done with all that.

    Next You said:
    "This indeed is by far the biggest issue in the gay community and is something I loose sleep over every single night cause I dont want to go through this entire life alone like I have done for the first 24 years of it, Id love to know why gay men almost universally don't date and only have sex."

    It's the men you're meeting online that are that way. If you sincerely want to meet another class of men you need to turn your computer off and go meet them. Bars? Any sorts of gay oriented organizations? Vacations and travels to other cities? Networking through friends to meet friends of friends of friends? Doing the same thing you're doing (dating apps) expecting better or faster results is...um... you know the rest.

    You said:
    "I have problems fighting my libido and have wasted a lot of my youth on casual sex, and I try to fight it but it is so easy and addictive, but I am still more than willing to have sex in a relationship but asking for one from another man feels almost unthinkably rude to ask of a guy these days with the reactions they give you."
    "wasting a lot of your youth on casual sex" is nothing new. It's biology. It's what your hormones compel you to do and puts you in with something like 80% of all males gay or straight. and then for the rest of the sentence above, you seem to be rationalizing and your own inability to achieve you goal. Self Defeatism.

    As for the rest of it you expressed an unwillingness to consider advice you don't want to hear and I'm not one to moderate advice on that criterion. I'll respect your wish to not hear anything you don't want to hear and go find someone who might be ready to listen to things that might help them.






  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2015 9:19 AM GMT
    Sharkspeare saidNice to see you back, D. But you're not telling the whole truth here....there was another relationship before, but as I recall it ended very badly.


    well that bastard/s never considered us "boyfriends"