Is it too deep to ask someone about their spirituality or religion on the first date?

  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Mar 16, 2015 5:53 AM GMT
    What's your opinion on this?
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    Mar 16, 2015 6:02 AM GMT
    No. If someone is mentally ill, they should be in treatment. Not dating.

    Nice new pic, by the way.
  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Mar 16, 2015 6:05 AM GMT
    mindgarden saidNo. If someone is mentally ill, they should be in treatment. Not dating.

    Nice new pic, by the way.


    Thank you darling. My friend took it.
  • JuneauMike

    Posts: 326

    Mar 16, 2015 7:04 AM GMT
    I would be totally cool, sincerely, if you told me about your religious beliefs on our first date, Wesv.

    What would be your reaction if I told you I am an atheist on our first date? I truly hope you would be just as cool...
  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Mar 16, 2015 7:07 AM GMT
    JuneauMike saidI would be totally cool, sincerely, if you told me about your religious beliefs on our first date, Wesv.

    What would be your reaction if I told you I am an atheist on our first date? I truly hope you would be just as cool...


    I'd be fine with that.
  • JuneauMike

    Posts: 326

    Mar 16, 2015 7:10 AM GMT
    wesv said
    JuneauMike saidI would be totally cool, sincerely, if you told me about your religious beliefs on our first date, Wesv.

    What would be your reaction if I told you I am an atheist on our first date? I truly hope you would be just as cool...


    I'd be fine with that.


    I knew you would be, Wesv. Thank you for being so open minded. You confirm my opinion of your coolness every time we meet here.
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    Mar 16, 2015 7:10 AM GMT
    mindgarden saidNo. If someone is mentally ill, they should be in treatment. Not dating.

    Nice new pic, by the way.


    I laughed.

    OP, I would. If someone is hardcore religious, I can't date them. Yes, blanket statement. I've tried multiple times. My atheism is always an issue.
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    Mar 16, 2015 11:09 AM GMT
    It depends on whether you have already rolled them and lifted their credit card...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2015 1:49 PM GMT
    jesus hates fags
    god-hates-fags12395650011.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2015 2:10 PM GMT
    Is it too deep to ask someone about their spirituality or religion on the first date?

    wesv saidWhat's your opinion on this?

    I never asked, ever. I would learn soon enough by some casual remark he made. And I can't remember anyone asking me about my background, either.

    If he was comfortable with his sexuality and guilt-free, and reasonably out (maybe some concealing from an employer or certain family members, for practical reasons I could understand), I didn't see how his religion affected our relationship.

    My one BF who was more into his church (he was a Lutheran Church Elder, or whatever they were called) was probably doing it more out of family tradition than deep belief, from what I could judge. His family had founded that church, the family name emblazoned on half the stained glass windows.

    So when he asked me if I would occasionally read the lesson from the pulpit, because others were mangling it, I said sure. A little practice for my trained public speaking voice.

    Then when I'd leave the pulpit we'd both retire to the normally empty choir loft together, and watch the remainder of the service from there, holding hands. LOL!

    I'm rather laissez faire about personal religious beliefs, unless it results in hatred & bigotry, arrested intellectual development, or would otherwise restrict the bounds of our personal relationship & freedom of action.
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    Mar 16, 2015 2:51 PM GMT
    If it's that important to you--instant deal breaker.

    For me not so much, even to my own heart break.

    Republican? I'd be pissed you got me to coffee.
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    Mar 16, 2015 2:58 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said... laissez faire about personal religious beliefs...

    -seems religious people have inefficient habits and moral issues that really dont need to be there.
    -have a lurking layer of self guilt
    -chances are their religion keeps them some what in the closet.
    -prevents them from forming strong relationships.

    but whatever, its only someone belief system, everyone has one.
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    Mar 16, 2015 3:00 PM GMT
    pellaz said
    Art_Deco said... laissez faire about personal religious beliefs...

    -seems religious people have odd habits and moral issues.
    -have lots of self guilt
    -chances are their religion keeps them some what in the closet.
    -prevents them from forming strong relationships.

    but whatever, its only someone belief system, everyone has one.


    I don't believe that...
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    Mar 16, 2015 3:08 PM GMT
    Cash said... I don't believe that...


    i do
    you dont
    everyone has a belief system no big
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Mar 16, 2015 3:22 PM GMT
    Sure, you should ask if it's anything other than a hook-up. It's a compatibility issue. If you're not in some sync, you might as well find out early. For me, if the guy is anything but atheist, it would be a no-go. Buddhist would be OK. Same with being a Republican. I'd be asking for the check. Again, talking dating prospect, not just sex.
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    Mar 16, 2015 3:43 PM GMT
    Someone's utmost intimately personal of relationships, that with their god, however perceived, is none of my business.

    How a person acts upon that might be of concern.




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2015 3:58 PM GMT
    pellaz said
    Art_Deco said... laissez faire about personal religious beliefs...

    -seems religious people have inefficient habits and moral issues that really dont need to be there.
    -have a lurking layer of self guilt
    -chances are their religion keeps them some what in the closet.
    -prevents them from forming strong relationships.

    but whatever, its only someone belief system, everyone has one.

    You need to define "religious people." Someone who has a religion that's mostly dormant, or someone who is so deeply committed to the strict tenets of a religion that it might result in conflicts with your own beliefs. Or worse.

    A story I've told before. My BF & I were drifting apart, due to his seeing other guys, but still friends. I was over at his place helping with the Spring planting of his front ornamental garden. A car drove past the open gates, down the long drive to where my BF was working on other plantings. In the distance I could see what appeared to be some kind of agitated confrontation between them, and I feared for his safety.

    I quickly walked across the lawns towards them, in my most intimidating Military Police manner, and seeing me the guy fled in his car before I reached them.

    Turns out the guy was informing my BF that his Mormon religion prevented their further gay contact, and that he had publicly confessed his "sins" in church, naming my BF! Who was largely closeted in that city.

    A few days later my BF got a notice suspending his YMCA membership. This Mormon guy had accused him and 6 other guys of groping him in the men's nude hot tub. Which they all subsequently denied in legal responses, but the gossip quickly spread.

    A few months later the charges were dropped, and it was the Mormon who permanently lost his Y membership, the other 7 memberships restored. But not before a lot of damage to these guys' reputations had been done.

    Ever since I've been very wary of dating deeply religious guys, whose strong beliefs might lead them to guilt-ridden, unpredictable and harmful behavior like this. As I wrote above I never ask, but I have watched for the signs.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Mar 16, 2015 4:04 PM GMT
    Ask away, no biggie. It's not like bringing up politics/religion at a dinner table, where people are BOUND to disagree. This is an intimate setting and religion (or a lack thereof) is an integral part of long-term compatibility.

    All relationships are a set of trade offs. You need to know the factors so you can make a meta-analysis and cost-benefit analysis overall. You need to know religion, political stance, job, salary, personality, substance abuse issues, mental problems, physical illnesses, family commitments, debts, and many other soft variables. You can't learn all of these on the first date, but you can certainly get the "are you religious" and "are you liberal or conservative" out on the first date IF you like.

    Ask. Knowledge is power. Don't bombard a person with a questionaire, but don't walk in willful ignorance.
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    Mar 16, 2015 4:20 PM GMT
    Svnw688 saidAsk away, no biggie. It's not like bringing up politics/religion at a dinner table, where people are BOUND to disagree. This is an intimate setting and religion (or a lack thereof) is an integral part of long-term compatibility.

    All relationships are a set of trade offs. You need to know the factors so you can make a meta-analysis and cost-benefit analysis overall. You need to know religion, political stance, job, salary, personality, substance abuse issues, mental problems, physical illnesses, family commitments, debts, and many other soft variables. You can't learn all of these on the first date, but you can certainly get the "are you religious" and "are you liberal or conservative" out on the first date IF you like.

    Ask. Knowledge is power. Don't bombard a person with a questionaire, but don't walk in willful ignorance.

    All things to which I would agree. But I like to be a little more subtle. I may not even give his religion any thought, but if my suspicions are somehow aroused, I may start dropping bait. Even though not about to date him, having a monogamous relationship, but just meeting some new guy for potential friendship.

    By mentioning major news stories in passing, to see what his reaction is. And if he were to say something political like: "Those N*gg*rs in Ferguson, Missouri should all be shot," like a rabid Right Winger, I think I'd have my answer. Bye-bye.

    Or if he starts ranting about the "gay agenda" infringing on religious freedom, I think we can part company right now. Even for casual socializing.

    So I don't bluntly ask, but I may probe a bit if I'm doubtful regarding him. Eventually I'll find out.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Mar 16, 2015 4:58 PM GMT
    @ArtDeco

    I tend to be a bit more direct, but subtlety isn't lost on me, and I sometimes employ that tactic if the circumstances warrant.
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    Mar 16, 2015 7:35 PM GMT
    In most cases I would have found out the answer to that question prior to there even being a first date.
  • senheizer

    Posts: 2

    Mar 16, 2015 7:36 PM GMT
    I think, it's totally fine
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    Mar 16, 2015 9:27 PM GMT
    One thing I have learned in life is that you can ask any question that may come across as "personal" or too "forward" without being offensive.

    The key is your APPROACH and your TECHNIQUE.


    If I was on a first date with a guy and I was talking about religion, I would do it from an unbiased perspective.

    I would say something like "I hear there are more gay marriages in conservative countries like Egypt, and many of these people consider themselves to be very religious Muslims and Coptic Christians. I saw on the news a few of these couples talking about how they are still very spiritual at heart."


    Since I have personally been to Egypt a few times, I would then add..

    " I have been to Egypt a few times and I found this to be very interesting. I come from a conservative culture as well, but I consider myself to be a spiritual but not a religious person. What is your opinion about these religious gays in Egypt?"


    Then, listen to your date and see if he opens up about his views on religion and being gay. He may open up about his own religious beliefs, or maybe he will just be objective.

    If you still want to know, then ask him "Do you consider yourself to be very spiritual like these people in Egypt?"


    Then ultimately you will get your answer.


    You won't come across as controlling or dominant in the conversation. You won't come across as being too blunt or straight forward.


    You will get your answer without being crude or offensive. You will also get a feel how your date reacts and communicates about opening up to such personal beliefs.

    If you feel your date doesn't want to talk about it, then you know that you should stop talking in that direction.

    Its better than just asking the question and having him freak out and then dump you on the first date! Just my $.02 based on past experiences!

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    Mar 16, 2015 11:27 PM GMT
    I always ask.

    To me its a clue as to how this person interacts with other aspects of life. I cant realistically be with someone who willfully throws out logic and rational thought. How could you ever have a conversation with them about something scientific/evidence-based when you know they don't value these things or pick and choose what to accept.

    Same reason I'd never date an anti-vaccine advocate. lol

    As Carl Sagan said - belief today amounts to "a willful disregard of the evidence and a flight from self-knowledge." This is not someone I would want to date.
  • Breeman

    Posts: 339

    Mar 16, 2015 11:37 PM GMT
    No. not usually, unless the other person brings it up. Those kinds of conversations can ruin the date. I like to steer away from similar potential problem topics such as politics, abortion or whether or not the 'dress' is blue or gold.