Toxic Families

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2015 5:58 PM GMT
    Hi guys

    Been a while since I've been on. Hope you're all doing good.

    I wanted to ask you guys how you have handled family members who are hostile and toxic? Also, if any of you have dealt with narcissistic parents ? Mt mother has been dead nearly four years and I'm beginning to realise how self absorbed and narcissistic she really was . She would spend hours in front of her mirror, almost like the wicked queen in Snow White. Was harsh and critical.

    How have you managed to self affirm after crap like that? I've been in therapy and am just aware that I have to do a lot more self nurturing .

    Thanks for your advice in advance
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2015 6:02 PM GMT
    Didn't you also say you have a brother who's a problem? I've cut out of my life family members who are a problem. My mother is a rabid born again christian; I haven't talked to her in decades. The old adage, "family comes first" is bullshit when they're toxic.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Mar 20, 2015 6:07 PM GMT
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/3589275/
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    Mar 20, 2015 6:08 PM GMT
    How about an asshole brother-in-law who's a total homophobe who makes a big show about being Mr. Colorado Outdoorsman, and actively keeps his son and daughter - my nephew and niece - from any contact or interaction w/ me? I either ignore him or get in his face depending on how feisty I feel, and my other sibs and dad pretty much avoid him, as he ostentatiously does them; this guy's all about adding insult to injury. Pretty cheeky, since my sister's always been the real breadwinner in that family. But, what do you expect from the son of one of Bobby Knight's former assistant coaches? My sibs think he's closeted, but I disagree: he's just TOO obnoxious to be gay! What my sister ever saw in him other than a middling attractive body's beyond me. Can't wait until the kids are out and on their own, and we can all put him out of sight and out of mind.
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    Mar 20, 2015 6:09 PM GMT
    Both my brothers are hostile. It's because I've spent a long time in therapy taking responsibility that I'm able to function. One of them is a Facebook friend and has never even bothered to ask me about any of the things I do , even that I've just made my professional opera debut and it was successful. All he does is send messages how much he hates his family . I've sorted things so I don't have to see his posts but it still hurts
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    Mar 20, 2015 6:11 PM GMT
    congratulations making the therapy work for you. It takes a lot of strength.

    Your parents represent only a starting point in your life. easy to blame someone else, say parents, for things you should be doing.

    four years is a loooong time to finally forget forgive someone.

  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Mar 20, 2015 6:15 PM GMT
    I have literally nothing in common with my family. They are very undesirable people altogether, see my post above.
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    Mar 20, 2015 8:02 PM GMT
    I had a very toxic relationship with my father which ended years ago. He's out of my life but the scars are still there.
    My mother is a homophobe. She'll get over it though, she gave up trying to conduct my life choices.
    My brother is toxic in a sense because we were self destructive due to the broken family. I don't think I'd be as bad as I was if we weren't so close.
    My sister likes to think I'm straight.

    Stuff like that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2015 8:37 PM GMT
    BP201: You are a good man. You do not choose your family so it is not your fault. One nice thing about being an adult, you choose your friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2015 9:25 PM GMT
    I've soooo lucky.

    I can out in the late 70s. My mom was loved by everybody, she could swear like a stevedore, but she was real!

    Dad was sort of laconic in the Norwegian way, but we spent a lot of time together after mom passed away. He stayed with me, met my BF at the time (he thought he was great!) we took the QE II to New Zealand. Never a bad word about my being Gay. Or from any of my other brothers or sisters (8 of us).

    I know I'm the "favorite Uncle" of 3 nieces!
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Mar 21, 2015 3:37 PM GMT
    I realized my family was toxic when I was 20 something.

    My father is homophobic who claims he's open minded.(lol) we haven't really spoke in about 2 years ever since my son was born and adopted him. The first 4 months of my son in our life, my father never congratulated me or any such. He never asked about him and never asked about my husband of 9 years. After that I didn't want my son to know a man who was such a dick. He's a dick in other ways too. If I met him on the street I wouldn't wanna be friends. He never liked me just for me. Always tried to change who I was. So no loss to me.

    My brother is a total narcissistic ass who thinks everyone should kiss his ass and doesn't take any responsibility for his faults. Everyone did something to him. Claims to hate drama but creates it all the time. I haven't spoke to him in two years as well. Got tired of his crap. He's the biggest hooker I ever met. Basically will suck my dads cock for the money(leech) these two are so codependent on each other to validate their insecurities it's sickening.

    My mom has more issues than Vanity Fair. Granted she was married to my father who use to beat her on a regular basis. Has a mother who like my brother is narrsistic and won't take responsibility too. My mom use to believe she was the victim for everything. After years and years of trying to get her to see the light, she finally went for some help and is making great improvements. Our relationship is so much better but was very difficult at times.

    My half brother and I are great. He's a good guy who wants all to be happy and love life. We talk regularly, hang out. We're golden.

    Yeah families are toxic sometimes, families are people too. Doesn't mean you have to stay connected. Be happy, do what's right and healthy for you. I have my family now to make sure we thrive.
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    Mar 21, 2015 3:48 PM GMT
    To make a long story short after staying with one of my homeboys for a few years and finally making it out on my own these members(My mother and my second older brother) were not supportive of my decision and basically attempted to talk me out of doing what I wanted.

    I simply cut off communication with them via social networking(Facebook) by blocking them and blocked their phone numbers on my cell and still have nothing to say to them for the time being.

    Luckily, I have a few family members who were supportive and kept me encouraged(My father, aunt, sister,sister in law and a few cousins) and they have been very helpful with me staying in my first apartment since i moved in 3/2/15

    I don't hate my mother or my older brother and don't wish anything hateful for either one of them but i am still irate and feel like telling them whats on my mind but i know that someone will get their feelings hurt and it won't be me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2015 3:48 PM GMT
    I'm noticing a pattern in a lot of these stories. If mother, father, sister, brother, etc. all have a problem with you, maybe you're the problem?
  • metta

    Posts: 39107

    Mar 21, 2015 3:57 PM GMT
    Family, friend, or not....I avoid toxic people as much as possible....even on RJ ;) I pretty much choose how much contact I have with other people. For people that are toxic, I choose to spend as little time as possible with them. My time is valuable and I would rather spend it by myself or with people that are kind, mindful, and compassionate.
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    Mar 21, 2015 6:53 PM GMT
    CODY4U saidI'm noticing a pattern in a lot of these stories. If mother, father, sister, brother, etc. all have a problem with you, maybe you're the problem?

    Or it could be genetic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2015 7:09 PM GMT
    CODY4U saidI'm noticing a pattern in a lot of these stories. If mother, father, sister, brother, etc. all have a problem with you, maybe you're the problem?



    No, that's not necessarily the case. Sometimes that's the way it works, unfortunately. Sometimes the rest of the family is cracked and hostile and belligerent, and they take it out on the remaining sane one(s).

    If it's not possible to resolve with toxic people. . . and often it's not. . . you don't have much choice but to avoid them.

    Plenty of great people are out there. Spend your time with them.
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    Mar 21, 2015 8:57 PM GMT
    CODY4U saidI'm noticing a pattern in a lot of these stories. If mother, father, sister, brother, etc. all have a problem with you, maybe you're the problem?


    And if your family is Muslim you should just jump off a tall building?
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Mar 21, 2015 9:43 PM GMT
    Here's a story that illustrates my mother's behavior.

    Not long after dad died, my brother, sister, mother, and I decided to meet for Christmas in the city where my brother lived. We were going to meet at a restaurant for Christmas eve dinner. I wore a coat and tie (this was in about 1975 when people dressed more formally), but my brother wore a regular winter jacket. When my brother and I arrived at the restaurant, mother said to me, "Caleb, you should have seen to it that Jacob [who was past 40] was dressed properly.". I replied, "Mother, how Jacob dresses in HIS responsibility." whereupon mother replied, "Caleb, you should love your brother more.". I replied, "You are being completely unfair.". She replied, "We will not discuss it!!". I replied, "Oh yes we will!!". She said, "Not now!". I said, "OK, but we will discuss it tomorrow!!". When the next day I brought up her unfair attitude, she burst into tears.

    For her, that was typical behavior. My siblings and I were constantly criticized unfairly. Mother was also an expert at turning a minor matter into an international disaster. She made home life very unpleasant for my siblings and me, but somehow, dad seemed completely unaware. Until the day she died, she continued to act like that.

    My siblings and I all had long term problems resulting from that sort of thing. Actually, mother probably made herself more miserable than she made us. I'm sure she had serious unresolved problems that influenced her inappropriate and toxic behavior.
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    Mar 22, 2015 2:14 AM GMT
    LittleDudeWithMuscles said No, that's not necessarily the case. Sometimes that's the way it works, unfortunately. Sometimes the rest of the family is cracked and hostile and belligerent, and they take it out on the remaining sane one(s).

    If it's not possible to resolve with toxic people. . . and often it's not. . . you don't have much choice but to avoid them.

    Plenty of great people are out there. Spend your time with them.

    maybe not always but it usually is, especially if the other family members can get along with each other. plus, there are always two sides to these things. would be interesting to see what types of reviews these guys would get from their family members. can you imagine being related to some of these queens?!


    timmm55 saidAnd if your family is Muslim you should just jump off a tall building?

    depends. is your family muslim by any chance?
  • PE_Mike

    Posts: 75

    Mar 22, 2015 8:19 AM GMT
    BlakeA saidhow you have handled family members who are hostile and toxic? How have you managed to self affirm after crap like that?


    As one of 4 know it all brothers, from God's lips to their ears, it's quite a realisation that in some ways I am just as much an ahole as they are. My dad died 10 years ago and my mother a month ago; they were good people, each shaped me though neither understood bisexuality or gayness.

    Unfortunately, respect is earned, not a human right contrary to what we liberals want to believe. It all starts with you - loving, respecting yourself, and affirming to yourself that every day, in every way, you are becoming better, happier.

    Personally, I found self hypnosis - focussed meditation akin to prayer - very useful as it can be used anywhere, any time. One of the archetypal concepts of the universe is perhaps mirroring: as above, so below. That means acting the way you want to feel and be, and soon enough, that is how you are.

    Be happy. That truly is the key. And ignore your family until you are ready to deal with them in small doses, if ever.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Mar 22, 2015 10:11 AM GMT
    It takes quite some wisdom in life to learn how to shrug with your shoulders, and accept the simple fact that you cannot be held responsible for other people even though they may be your closest family.

    I have come across a number of very toxic people in my life. As soon as my toxic radar sends in the first blip, I shug with my shoulders, and quickly move on.

    So, I have been often accused of being very inflexible. On a closer scrutiny, it turned out that flexibility on my part was going to benefit those who criticized me, at my expense. I am fine with minding my business, and being thought of as "inflexible". This is a much better option than being held a forthcoming and flexible fool, abused by the manipulative others.

    SC