Post-Military Service Relationship

  • hungryman1

    Posts: 6

    Mar 23, 2015 6:38 AM GMT
    Hello all, I need some advice regarding someone I have feelings for, despite not seeing him for a long time. I am a college student and about a year I met someone through an app who was in the military. We hit it off from the beginning and we talked nonstop. After a few days of talking we met in person. Things went really well, so well that we became an item. I had never been with a guy before meeting him, but he was very different from any other guy I had ever talked to and to this day I still think about him. Although it was a rash decision to get involved with this guy, everything felt right. I was genuinely interested in him and I felt as if he really liked me as a person and not just based on my appearance. I was casually dating another guy before meeting this particular person, but I stopped after I met the guy who was visiting. I had gone on a few dates with other guys in the past, but those dates felt like a chore, and I wasn't really interested in them. They were very casual and the most I ever did with them was hug them. At that point I had not kissed another guy nor held another guy's hand. I was still a virgin.

    Anyways I went on a date with this new guy and it went above and beyond my expections. Everything felt very smooth and effortless. I could not have asked for a better way to spend my evening. We spent the night together at a hotel and he told me that every time he has had sex, he always felt disgust and usually wants the other person to leave, but that I was the first and only person whom he has slept with that he did not feel disgust after ejeculation. He said that he wanted to stay and cuddle with me after sex.

    This made me feel special and I naively thought this meant that I was special to him. He eventually had to go back to school (he was in his last year of college at a different school) but we maintained something resembling a long-distance relationship. Neither of us is out so we discreetly maintained contact. He brought up ideas of going on trips together and other such plans, however none of them ever occurred.

    After college, he was going to join the military. I knew this from the beginning and I told him that it didn't matter to me and that I supported him. I visited his hometown over the summer, as I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him before his deployment. However, things didn't go as planned. The nature of the relationship changed a lot. He stopped being affectionate. He didn't hold hands or kiss me like before. He was the one who would initiate physical contact before, but he stopped being affectionate. He stopped calling me "babe," "baby" etc. He started to ignore me as well. When we were in different cities, he always replied to my messages, but while we were in the same city, he would only reply occasionally. He started blowing me off and always had some excuse as to why we couldn't hang out/meet up. He would cancel/change plans at the last minute.

    Eventually, he told me that we were never "together" and that we were just monogamous intimate friends. Basically friends with benefits. He said there was no point in us being together because he wants to marry a woman and have kids even though he identifies as gay. I was very hurt by this as I thought there was something special between us.

    The last day that I saw him, he said that maybe in the future we could be something more but not now. He said he didn't want a relationship. He gave me a hug before he left and that was the last time I ever saw him. We still texted each other and were supposed to see each other one last time but we never did. The day before he left to start military training, he told me that he couldn't meet with me. So I told him that I was proud of him and that I wished him the best and that I know he was going to go far in life. However, I never got a response. I never heard from him ever again. I wrote him a few emails after he left but he never responded. I don't know if he read my emails, deleted them, or blocked my email address, but I haven't heard from him ever since.

    This was a year ago, but I still think about him. I know I'm young and relatively inexperienced but I can't stop thinking about him. I don't think about him as often as I used to, but I still do occasionally. I've talked to other guys since he left but nothing ever happens. The guys that seemed the most promising stopped talking to me before getting the chance to meet and most guys either turn me off or just want sex. I am not out so I use apps to talk to guys. I am generally not an envious person, but I can't help feeling jealous when I see straight couples my age. I miss being with this guy and I'd just like to know if it's possible to get back together after his military service is over. Has something like this ever happened to anyone on here? While we were in the long-distance stage, he would tell me all the time that he missed me but while I visited his hometown, he would ignore me and always had some reason as to why he couldn't see me. I don't know what exactly changed between us. Everytime I tried to talk about it he would give vague, reluctant answers.

    Does anyone have any advice? I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

    EDIT:After things started changing, he would still get hard when he was around me. I noticed a bulge would start growing when he was around me, even just sitting by me without touching or just in the car. And he would definitely get a bulge when I would touch him. I assume this means that he was still attracted to me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2015 2:19 PM GMT
    Basicly he is trying to keep his military career. Even though these days its "OK" to be gay in the military, some others think otherwise. Im a Navy vet of 12 yrs. I was in 83-95 when it wasnt good to be gay in military. And I used to sleep in areas where was guys within arms reach from your bunk laying there in there tighty whites. All I could do is "stare".. LOL.

    I have the same issues, Im "in the closet" I still get aroused around attractive women, and do same around guys that are attractive and young of course.

    As far as sex goes. I was a virgin till 26, lost it in a whorehouse in Tortola while on a Navy ship. Since then Ive had sex with maybie 3 differnt women, last time was 2004. Rest of the time I seem to attract guys in there 20s-30s more then anything else.

    As I type this, I have a female friend I hang out with allot who just got a divorse are 25 yr marrage with no kids. Now she thinks im her husband. I have not had sex with her since Im not attracted to her in that way. She thinks im Straight. But im not all that straight.. LOL..
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Mar 23, 2015 3:38 PM GMT
    Sounds like your guy just isn't comfortable with being gay. It's that simple. The reason he shut down at home was fear of being found out and your very presence raised risk in his mind. That you might not be discreet. That you might blow his cover. Especially if you got mad. He wants kids. He wants to live straight. The military is a good way to be single and not dating and not suspect. He's not ready to even consider living as a gay man and that is exactly what you represent to him. He may learn in time that his desire to be straight just isn't going to work or he may find some girl willing to get married and have a kid and then never have sex again. Happens. Used to happen a lot when living gay offered few opportunities in society. But that is where he is now. He may have a fling in some safe city every now and then but he won't change his goals for you.

    So move on. It could be a decade before he is actually available. Or never. Forget about him and restart your own life without the drag of what might have been. You fabricated an image of something you wanted and projected all that onto this poor guy. It never was there. Wish him well and move on.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2015 4:25 PM GMT
    You are both homophobic. You will continue to suffer and not attract compatible mates until you get comfortable with it. Like everything else practice is the way to development skill.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Mar 23, 2015 6:45 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidSounds like your guy just isn't comfortable with being gay. It's that simple. The reason he shut down at home was fear of being found out and your very presence raised risk in his mind. That you might not be discreet. That you might blow his cover. Especially if you got mad. He wants kids. He wants to live straight. The military is a good way to be single and not dating and not suspect. He's not ready to even consider living as a gay man and that is exactly what you represent to him. He may learn in time that his desire to be straight just isn't going to work or he may find some girl willing to get married and have a kid and then never have sex again. Happens. Used to happen a lot when living gay offered few opportunities in society. But that is where he is now. He may have a fling in some safe city every now and then but he won't change his goals for you.

    So move on. It could be a decade before he is actually available. Or never. Forget about him and restart your own life without the drag of what might have been. You fabricated an image of something you wanted and projected all that onto this poor guy. It never was there. Wish him well and move on.



    +1

    I have gone through couple of similar experiences. I call this an identity conflict.

    Your friend knows that he is gay, yet he wants a straight life, family, kids.

    You need to understand that such a scenario really never works out to the satisfaction and happiness of all the involved.

    Agree with yourself that it is perfectly OK to think of him, and to cherish the memories of good times you have had. I do this dailyicon_biggrin.gif.

    But agree with yourself that this was going to be a toxic relationship, and that you would be the one suffering the most. The fact that he has chosen to move on, and cut off every contact with you is a great blessing for you. In due time, you'll understand this.

    There are many great dudes out there. Open your mind, and open your eyes, too. Look for a better future for yourself. You deserve it.

    Adopt a positive attitude towards m2m sexuality. You do not have to come out, and go around waving the big rainbow flag. Actually, you are free to keep your private life, very private if this is what you want to do.

    Understand that many guys lose interest in their partner once they orgasm. This applies to both gay and straight couples. The matter is most likely associated with the evolutionary need of our forefathers to have sex, and move quickly on, or else be attacked. Develop a sense of gratitude for the sexual pleasure you have experienced with your partner, and overcome the urge to move on too quickly once the deed it done.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2015 10:07 PM GMT
    The best advice I can give you:

    Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
    If you do you'll just end up getting disappointed (like you did) and getting heart broken. (speaking from experience)

    FIRST come out to yourself, love yourself, and find yourself before EVER dating another guy let alone another closeted gay.

    THEN focus on dating... NOT finding a BF but dating. Go on dates to see what attributes you really find attractive in a guy. Look for things BEYOND physical attraction, even their affectionate gestures and emotions. All that shit will eventually fade (not fade away), but it won't be as prominent the more you get to know someone. The more you are comfortable with someone (and vice versa) you'll get to see as THEY TRULY ARE.

    Don't expect someone to bring you 100% happiness. We are humans. We fuck up and NO ONE is perfect.

    I'm not a dating expert, but these are some of things I've learned for myself, the hard way and I'm still learning.

    Keep your head up. It's not the end of the world. Go drink, dance, and enjoy life!

    tumblr_mved1iKomo1qlvwnco1_r1_400.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2015 10:08 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidYou are both homophobic. You will continue to suffer and not attract compatible mates until you get comfortable with it. Like everything else practice is the way to development skill.


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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2015 12:10 AM GMT
    Advice is " Move on or let it go"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2015 1:19 AM GMT
    Wow. TLicon_biggrin.gifR.
  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Mar 24, 2015 5:04 AM GMT
    What a romantic story. But you have to let him go, and don't try to keep a candle burning for him - that could just be more disappointment.
    I suspect he's not all settled about himself - he may well be bi and in the dark about how to be comfortable with himself, let alone a male partner. At any rate, he's under some pressures from the environment of the service and probably from his hometown community of friends and family.
    You are both young; allow yourself some time to experience and grow. And now you can understand if someone falls for you in the future and he's not what you're looking for. Be kind.
    Keep developing as a virtuous man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2015 5:25 AM GMT
    oldfart saidWhat a romantic story. But you have to let him go, and don't try to keep a candle burning for him - that could just be more disappointment.
    I suspect he's not all settled about himself - he may well be bi and in the dark about how to be comfortable with himself, let alone a male partner. At any rate, he's under some pressures from the environment of the service and probably from his hometown community of friends and family.
    You are both young; allow yourself some time to experience and grow. And now you can understand if someone falls for you in the future and he's not what you're looking for. Be kind.
    Keep developing as a virtuous man.


    sorry but this is NOT a romantic story. It's bullshit and both of them need to realize what the fuck is going on. Apparently neither of them have ever had a real GAY relationship. Both are questioning their sexuality and have not come to terms with themselves. So far from romantic.

    Boys get your shit together. that is all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2015 3:48 PM GMT
    $20 bucks says he's married and has his "new" wife pregnant before then end of AIT. Gotta get that BAH icon_rolleyes.gif

    Military makes you re-prioritize things. I had a guy that was on my mind before I left and he got put at the bottom of the stack of crap that's important to me awfully fast. Sounds like that ship has sailed man.