Do I have internalized homophobia?

  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    Mar 25, 2015 9:14 PM GMT
    So I came out to my friends and family a few months ago and the reactions were mostly positive. Friends were all cool with it but my parents weren't too thrilled but we don't ever talk about it' so it's whatever. After that I got drunk with a bunch of buddies and one of em asked me if I'd done anything with another dude before. I hadn't so I told him that and he said he wanted to be my first because even before I came out I would say I wanted to wait to have sex until I found someone I really liked. Course some of that was a cover up but I really did want it to be with someone I trusted instead of a random hookup. So he told me he wanted to be my first and I thought he was just messin but he wasn't so we ended up doing it and afterwards he told me he was gay too.

    Flash forward to now and we still fuck pretty often. It was kinda assumed that it was just sex and nothing else but I'm fallin for him pretty hard. But that got me thinking that when we do it, we never kiss or do anything that would be more like romantic shit. He also doesn't like me looking at him while I'm fuckin him. Weird thing is though that a part of me is the same way, like the whole thing is embarrassing and after we're done I always feel guilty af sorta like I did something wrong. We just put our clothes back on and talk about sports or music or whatever but never about sex or anything gay related. He finally came out to our friends and his family a week or two ago and he said he feels relieved but he still won't let me look at him while we have sex and we have kissed before but he says it makes him feel gay... Lol as if a dick in his ass doesn't. And a part of me wants to just do it but I still feel kinda ashamed about it all too and idk why. I was gonna ask him if he ever wanted something more than just sex but I pussied out after realizing I can't imagine calling him my boyfriend or even holding hands in public and all that shit. I mean I'm already out but I still feel fuckin ashamed and sorta like I wish no one knew. Is this shit normal? Is there a way we can just get over it? We both know there's nothin wrong about being gay so why the heck do we feel like this
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2015 9:34 PM GMT
    Sounds normal for what the world puts us through.

    Could be a touch of internalized homophobia, could be general inhibitions, could be double consciousness or any combo.

    I knew a str8 guy back in college who was afraid to buy toilet paper in the supermarket. I had to teach him how to do that. So there could be some bodily embarrassment you're dealing which could be generally sexual but not necessarily homophobic. Inhibitions on overdrive.

    If you're comfortable with the sex during (and that's important because otherwise you could manifest a bunch of perversions, um, I mean, variations on the theme) but not upon reflection, then watch your thoughts and see what's attached to that. If you are thinking about how someone else might view your having had sex with a guy, that's double consciousness. In other words, you might be projecting how you'd perceive them being homophobic towards you.

    Because you could be quite comfortable with your own sexuality internally but not be comfortable with your sexuality in this world.

    So try to trace your thoughts back when you feel as you do. What gave rise to that, the actions you enjoyed or the worries of the review of the audience which might be in this case the world playing out in your head.
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    Mar 25, 2015 9:45 PM GMT
    It's residual guilt from your upbringing. We've all had to deal with it to some extent.

    If you're Jewish or Catholic (as I am), there's always a lot of guilt...oy vey! If Black and Southern Baptist, gay sex is often on the down low and they barely acknowledge it.

    I like to kiss! I met this one guy who didn't like to, a bottom. So being the good obedient bottom I MADE him kiss! He did get into it! Kissing is often more emotional and deep as anything actually 'sexual'.

  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Mar 25, 2015 10:21 PM GMT
    Give yourself time. We all go to such crazy lengths to hide being gay until the day we come out, those habits take time to break. You should talk to your guy about it. It's so much better to talk about it than hide it. At least laugh at yourselves and don't let it become a problem. Or..... experiment?
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    Mar 25, 2015 11:04 PM GMT
    There is some very good advice above. I am sure some heterosexual couples go through the same thing. It sounds like your friend may have more of a problem than you have, but we all tend to develop emotionally at different paces. You sound like a sensible and very self-aware person. I'm sure you will be fine.
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    Mar 26, 2015 8:26 AM GMT
    theantijock saidSounds normal for what the world puts us through.

    Could be a touch of internalized homophobia, could be general inhibitions, could be double consciousness or any combo.

    I knew a str8 guy back in college who was afraid to buy toilet paper in the supermarket. I had to teach him how to do that. So there could be some bodily embarrassment you're dealing which could be generally sexual but not necessarily homophobic. Inhibitions on overdrive.

    If you're comfortable with the sex during (and that's important because otherwise you could manifest a bunch of perversions, um, I mean, variations on the theme) but not upon reflection, then watch your thoughts and see what's attached to that. If you are thinking about how someone else might view your having had sex with a guy, that's double consciousness. In other words, you might be projecting how you'd perceive them being homophobic towards you.

    Because you could be quite comfortable with your own sexuality internally but not be comfortable with your sexuality in this world.

    So try to trace your thoughts back when you feel as you do. What gave rise to that, the actions you enjoyed or the worries of the review of the audience which might be in this case the world playing out in your head.


    That's really interesting. I guess during sex I'm too horny to care about the shame or guilt but afterwards is when it hits me. Maybe that's what it is; that I'm projecting what other people would think if they knew what I was doing. Some of my straight buddies have tried to talk to me about being gay and all that shit but I'm usually the one who is just kinda like nahh I don't wanna talk about it. I feel like most of this is all in my head
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    Mar 26, 2015 8:29 AM GMT
    timmm55 saidIt's residual guilt from your upbringing. We've all had to deal with it to some extent.

    If you're Jewish or Catholic (as I am), there's always a lot of guilt...oy vey! If Black and Southern Baptist, gay sex is often on the down low and they barely acknowledge it.

    I like to kiss! I met this one guy who didn't like to, a bottom. So being the good obedient bottom I MADE him kiss! He did get into it! Kissing is often more emotional and deep as anything actually 'sexual'.



    I feel you. I'm not too religious though so I lucked out on that part I guess. Lol and maybe I'll try to kiss him when we're being a little rougher. He's always the bottomicon_biggrin.gif I think he's more afraid of the emotional aspect too
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    Mar 26, 2015 8:31 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidGive yourself time. We all go to such crazy lengths to hide being gay until the day we come out, those habits take time to break. You should talk to your guy about it. It's so much better to talk about it than hide it. At least laugh at yourselves and don't let it become a problem. Or..... experiment?


    Yea definitely. Hopefully in time it'll just go away but yea there are some things I wanna try nowicon_rolleyes.gif
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    Mar 26, 2015 8:32 AM GMT
    Ex_Mil8 saidThere is some very good advice above. I am sure some heterosexual couples go through the same thing. It sounds like your friend may have more of a problem than you have, but we all tend to develop emotionally at different paces. You sound like a sensible and very self-aware person. I'm sure you will be fine.


    Thanks dude. Yea hopefully over time we'll both ease up a little about it all and just enjoy being with each other like that
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    Mar 26, 2015 10:50 PM GMT
    collegedude12 said
    theantijock saidSounds normal for what the world puts us through.

    Could be a touch of internalized homophobia, could be general inhibitions, could be double consciousness or any combo.

    I knew a str8 guy back in college who was afraid to buy toilet paper in the supermarket. I had to teach him how to do that. So there could be some bodily embarrassment you're dealing which could be generally sexual but not necessarily homophobic. Inhibitions on overdrive.

    If you're comfortable with the sex during (and that's important because otherwise you could manifest a bunch of perversions, um, I mean, variations on the theme) but not upon reflection, then watch your thoughts and see what's attached to that. If you are thinking about how someone else might view your having had sex with a guy, that's double consciousness. In other words, you might be projecting how you'd perceive them being homophobic towards you.

    Because you could be quite comfortable with your own sexuality internally but not be comfortable with your sexuality in this world.

    So try to trace your thoughts back when you feel as you do. What gave rise to that, the actions you enjoyed or the worries of the review of the audience which might be in this case the world playing out in your head.


    That's really interesting. I guess during sex I'm too horny to care about the shame or guilt but afterwards is when it hits me. Maybe that's what it is; that I'm projecting what other people would think if they knew what I was doing. Some of my straight buddies have tried to talk to me about being gay and all that shit but I'm usually the one who is just kinda like nahh I don't wanna talk about it. I feel like most of this is all in my head


    Oddly enough some straight guys (and girls) can talk about it more openly because they are detached, and think more clinically.

    I see profiles that say they want "nasty" sex, LOL I think what is that? It sounds guilt ridden. It should be fun! AND SAFE as can be.

    Since you are 21 and Negative I just want to add:
    There are now at least five strategies that reasonably constitute‘safe sex’,provided that certain parameters are met.
    They are:
    1.The use of Condoms during casual encounters between men of unknown or discordant serostatus.
    2.HIV negative men taking effective pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP).
    3.Men living with HIV who only have sex without condoms when they have a sustained undetectable viral load (UVL) and in the absence of sexually transmissible infections (STIs).
    4.Effective use of serosorting between HIV positive men.
    5.Effective negotiated safety agreements.

    http://www.acon.org.au/sites/default/files/What-is-Safe-Sex-Position-2014.pdf

    Do not take anyone's word for it. Serosorting between presumed Negative men is NOT advised. A lot of guys simply don't know. (see #1)

    Testing is crucial.
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    Mar 27, 2015 11:15 AM GMT
    timmm55 said
    collegedude12 said
    theantijock saidSounds normal for what the world puts us through.

    Could be a touch of internalized homophobia, could be general inhibitions, could be double consciousness or any combo.

    I knew a str8 guy back in college who was afraid to buy toilet paper in the supermarket. I had to teach him how to do that. So there could be some bodily embarrassment you're dealing which could be generally sexual but not necessarily homophobic. Inhibitions on overdrive.

    If you're comfortable with the sex during (and that's important because otherwise you could manifest a bunch of perversions, um, I mean, variations on the theme) but not upon reflection, then watch your thoughts and see what's attached to that. If you are thinking about how someone else might view your having had sex with a guy, that's double consciousness. In other words, you might be projecting how you'd perceive them being homophobic towards you.

    Because you could be quite comfortable with your own sexuality internally but not be comfortable with your sexuality in this world.

    So try to trace your thoughts back when you feel as you do. What gave rise to that, the actions you enjoyed or the worries of the review of the audience which might be in this case the world playing out in your head.


    That's really interesting. I guess during sex I'm too horny to care about the shame or guilt but afterwards is when it hits me. Maybe that's what it is; that I'm projecting what other people would think if they knew what I was doing. Some of my straight buddies have tried to talk to me about being gay and all that shit but I'm usually the one who is just kinda like nahh I don't wanna talk about it. I feel like most of this is all in my head


    Oddly enough some straight guys (and girls) can talk about it more openly because they are detached, and think more clinically.

    I see profiles that say they want "nasty" sex, LOL I think what is that? It sounds guilt ridden. It should be fun! AND SAFE as can be.

    Since you are 21 and Negative I just want to add:
    There are now at least five strategies that reasonably constitute‘safe sex’,provided that certain parameters are met.
    They are:
    1.The use of Condoms during casual encounters between men of unknown or discordant serostatus.
    2.HIV negative men taking effective pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP).
    3.Men living with HIV who only have sex without condoms when they have a sustained undetectable viral load (UVL) and in the absence of sexually transmissible infections (STIs).
    4.Effective use of serosorting between HIV positive men.
    5.Effective negotiated safety agreements.

    http://www.acon.org.au/sites/default/files/What-is-Safe-Sex-Position-2014.pdf

    Do not take anyone's word for it. Serosorting between presumed Negative men is NOT advised. A lot of guys simply don't know. (see #1)

    Testing is crucial.


    Haha I got you. And yeah one of my straight buds always half jokingly tells me he's gonna take me to a gay bar but I'm just like nahh I'm good lol. For the hiv stuff though he's the only guy/person I've been with and he was with one girl for a few years so I think we're good for now. I always wear a rubber anyways but maybe we'll go get tested at one point. Talked to him today about wanting somethin more than sex and he was down so I guess I don't have to worry about doing it with strangers right nowicon_biggrin.gif
  • jeep334

    Posts: 409

    Mar 27, 2015 11:34 AM GMT
    You seem like a really remarkable guy. The fact that you have now spoken with him about wanting more is tremendous. The communication two people have is their greatest strength. Keep it up. And yes, try new things with each other all the time. If you were to bottom, it would bring a whole new aspect to your relationship. Good luck! icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2015 1:52 PM GMT
    the OP has someone to be with.
    This makes a difference. The OP, if his post is accurate, should be very appreciative a partner literally fell from the sky into his lap. I hope the OP can meet the minimum relationship requirements and not freak out.

    The OP's profile says he is from NY. Its the law of the land there and your free to make your own decisions. No one on the street cares if you two are gay. Your gay relationship should be no less important than the one your parents have or had. Hold hands, not difficult.

    gay men are unfortunate to be like 1 in 5 infected. out of the five hiv+ men 2 men dont even know it. so ya; the both of you should get tested. Its free and the clinical staff there have seen every story and perhaps answer questions.
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    Mar 27, 2015 2:50 PM GMT
    collegedude12 said
    Ex_Mil8 saidThere is some very good advice above. I am sure some heterosexual couples go through the same thing. It sounds like your friend may have more of a problem than you have, but we all tend to develop emotionally at different paces. You sound like a sensible and very self-aware person. I'm sure you will be fine.


    Thanks dude. Yea hopefully over time we'll both ease up a little about it all and just enjoy being with each other like that

    Agree, some good advice, about different issues concerning the gay coming out and acclimating process. In many ways it's as simple, and no more mysterious, than breaking any old habits we're had all our lives. It takes time before you're truly comfortable & confident. I was the same way. It wasn't that I doubted what I was doing, or felt it was wrong, not homophobia, just new, strange & awkward. Good luck! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2015 5:25 PM GMT
    Do you have internalized homophobia?
    Yes.
    Not as much as your boyfriend, but yes.
    It's cool though; we all go/move threw it, some never do, so you're way ahead of the curve.
    You two should hit a gay club or coffee shop, really anywhere we hang out. You two could join a gay sports league or go support one.
    Eventually you'll feel more comfortable in your own skin and wont think twice or at all about...
    tumblr_nkm14jtlnm1sxhdaxo4_500.gif
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Mar 27, 2015 5:34 PM GMT
    Well from what you wrote (and your follow up), no, you don't sound like you have internalized homophobia. Just nervous because it's your first time experiencing your gay feelings and sexuality with a guy who I'm assuming you really like. IT sounds like he is more uncomfortable about being gay than you are but I'd give it time. Hopefully, you both will get to a point where you're okay and will have a positive relationship.

    Like another Pellaz said, you live in NY, it's not an issue to most people since a lot of gay people live there so you shouldn't worry.

    Good luck!
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    Mar 27, 2015 9:41 PM GMT
    collegedude12 said

    That's really interesting. I guess during sex I'm too horny to care about the shame or guilt but afterwards is when it hits me. Maybe that's what it is; that I'm projecting what other people would think if they knew what I was doing. Some of my straight buddies have tried to talk to me about being gay and all that shit but I'm usually the one who is just kinda like nahh I don't wanna talk about it. I feel like most of this is all in my head


    No man is an island; so, yeah, it's wild what the world can do to ya. One of the aspects of introspection, of "finding yourself" is distilling what parts of you are you from in the inside out and what parts were introduced from outside in. Some people get tangled enough in that, never mind that this is such a twisty bizzarro world that so many never know who they are. They just go through life in a daze.

    But you evidently--by what I've read so far--have got some good thinking and a good heart so I suspect you'll figure it all out. Keep doing the good work you're already doing on yourself and you'll be okay. Have fun. Play safe.

    dustin_K_tx saidYou two should hit a gay club or coffee shop, really anywhere we hang out. You two could join a gay sports league or go support one.
    Eventually you'll feel more comfortable in your own skin and wont think twice or at all about...


    I like that and thought similarly even as a teen in the bars, there not just for all that fun but also as sanctuary from the hetero world. It was real important to me to have that gay space. I think I've substituted this forum for that now to some degree, some lame sense of being among my kind, only so many here seem so unkind.

    Sanctuary closed for repairs.
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    Mar 31, 2015 1:36 AM GMT
    Thanks for the nice replies guys. I'm definitely not taking him for granted and I'm kinda surprised how happy I've been lately lol. I'm lucky to be going through this all with someone who is in the same place as me and I'm slowly getting over all the shitty homophobic thoughts and what not. I never heard of a gay sports league though so I'll have to google that haha. And I sort of love that gificon_redface.gif