Most Effective Way of Making Freinds in NYC?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2015 8:00 PM GMT
    This is a common problem a lot of post grads have (but are too embarrassed to admit) Especially when they move to a new city. I'm realizing I don't really have any real friends in NYC (people who really know you, can call in the middle of the night for advice, etc..), just a handful of acquaintances who I'll sometimes get together with for lunch or dinner once or twice a month... depending on if they want to. This worries me and I'm trying to do things now to build those friendships which become more valuable and meaningful as we get older.

    I've gone to Meetups and local organizations, gay and straight oriented but still only have a handful of acquaintances. Part of the problem is a lot of 20 something's are transient (understandably due the job market) and someone you hit it off with could move away the next week or so. The other part is a lot of my peers are now increasingly dependent on tech/ apps for socializing/ dating which works against social skills IMO.

    Another problem could be either with something I'm doing since I am meeting a fair amount of people but no one seems to sticking" after meeting them... they're kind of indifferent when a suggestion is made to get together again. That worries me too if it's something on my end.

    Just something I'm wondering about since your social group effects a lot of aspects in your life from dating to career opportunities to finding a great place through word of mouth. If you don't really "know" anyone in your area you're handicapping yourself in many ways IMO. The good thing is there are hundreds of people my age moving to the city almost everyday so they're here, just where and when is the part I'm missing...

    Any advice?


  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Mar 28, 2015 8:10 PM GMT
    meet older people.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Mar 28, 2015 8:18 PM GMT
    You may want to reconsider the concept of friendship that you want to enjoy as a postgrad as opposed to the friendships you may have enjoyed as a HS or college student.

    Friendships need many things, first and foremost, though, time and content.

    Being a HS or a college student, you go through a kind of bonding experience with other guys who are all going through a very similar experience within a clearly defined space and time framework. You have the same topics, you bump into each other at the same places daily, and you are all trying to achieve pretty much the same goals. Bonding and cooperation under such circumstances are easily facilitated.

    Fast forward: you are a post grad. You are looking for a job. The guys around you are not a focused, lightly careless bunch, but a group of people who now have far more diversified goals, while coping with the daily grind.

    A dude is trying to make sure that he pays his bills, hits the gym, gets laid, keeps his place running, develops an enviable career. How much time and energy can he dedicate to a friendship? What would that friendship center on within the context of his highly compartmentalized existence?

    Few guys out there are willing to re-live "Friends" over and over again, go around shooting the breeze, and bonding together over a fiction that is no more.

    SC

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2015 1:41 AM GMT
    SilverRRCloud said

    Fast forward: you are a post grad. You are looking for a job. The guys around you are not a focused, lightly careless bunch, but a group of people who now have far more diversified goals, while coping with the daily grind.

    A dude is trying to make sure that he pays his bills, hits the gym, gets laid, keeps his place running, develops an enviable career. How much time and energy can he dedicate to a friendship? What would that friendship center on within the context of his highly compartmentalized existence?



    Good things to remember.

    Young people are building their lives fiercely guard their free time since they have so little of it, especially NYer's but I see guys who still fit finding and making friends into their busy lives somehow. Major cities can be lonely places if you don't have at least someone to casually hangout with (which might explain why I have more success meeting people who seem to just want causal acquaintances, people who they only go out to lunch with and don't develop a deeper friendship with)

    The warm weather month are around the corner that's prime time to be meeting people since so many people are out longer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2015 3:30 AM GMT
    Apparition saidmeet older people.


    Actually . . . this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2015 3:55 AM GMT
    Back in the day I found my friends the old-fashioned way - I slept with them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2015 4:45 AM GMT
    The most effective way of making friends is to be a friend, no matter where you live.

    <-- Works out of town on long contracts fairly often.

  • Mar 29, 2015 1:15 PM GMT
    NYC is not where people come to bond

  • Mar 29, 2015 2:31 PM GMT
    …which a 70 year old artist mentor at a dinner party just told (reminded) me a little while back

    To circle back to the solutions of others…
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2015 12:19 AM GMT
    I've never had a problem meeting and making friends anywhere. NYC is such a melting pot. If you can't make a friend there then I assure you the problem isn't the place or the people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2015 12:20 AM GMT
    Place a personal ad and don't forget to spell check or people may not know what you are soliciting for.

    REMEMBER: I before E except after C or when pronounced like an A in neighbor and weigh. There are exceptions, so if you're not sure, rely on a dictionary or spell check.

    I'm sorry. Too easy, but I couldn't resist.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2015 12:24 AM GMT
    Apparition saidmeet older people.


    True. They are really lonely. Volunteer at a retirement home. The residents will have an inexhaustible supply of nephews and grandsons for you to meet! If you're lucky, one of the old coots will take a shine to you and leave you in his will.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2015 1:39 AM GMT
    Church, Marble Collegiate Church, 5th Ave. & 29th Street and go to lunch after church about twice a month. Go to the 10 o'clock hour. Join a small group. Join one of their volunteer choirs. Go on retreats.

    You play tennis. Join the USTA and play league tennis. The spring league probably started. There is a summer league (or used to be). Play tennis in Central Park. If you can't get a game you can either jog the reservoir or walk to the museums.

    Manmate.com

    See if there are a series of lectures at the 92nd Street Y.

    See if there are a series of events at the Center on 13th Street. One time I met a wonderful friend just by attending a fund raiser. The friend I met was wanted to entertain company once a month at his apartment. Later, I shared the success event of him publishing a book of photography and going to one of his gallery openings.

    My longest friendships in NYC:

    1 a racquetball and health club partner, dinner, and cultural events partner

    2 a tennis partner, dinner, and museums partner

    3 a fellow choir member, small groups, home entertaining partner. We both had to walk north after church, so he was a walking partner, too

    4 a home entertaining, dinner, and sleep over partner

    5 a tennis, jogging, and health club partner

    6 a co-worker

    7 a New York Astrology meetup.com friend
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2015 1:49 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidI've never had a problem meeting and making friends anywhere. NYC is such a melting pot. If you can't make a friend there then I assure you problem isn't the place or the people.


    If you can't make a friend there you can't make a friend anywhere! It's up to you! New York! New York!

    Sorry. I did it again. I know. I know. Too easy.
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    Mar 31, 2015 2:16 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidThe most effective way of making friends is to be a friend, no matter where you live.

    <-- Works out of town on long contracts fairly often.


    I agree with this. Few years ago I was at a house party with some friends and I ran into a guy I had only briefly met once before but I remembered his name and what we had talked about so I went up to him and we started talkin and I asked him where he was at with it and he was surprised I had remembered. Now that dude is one of my best friends to this day. I feel like it's little things like that that can sorta kickstart a friendship. Small gestures and all that. It also depends on what your interests are. One thing that really helps and this might sound kinda lame but have a good sense of humor. Be able to laugh at yourself and don't take yourself *too* seriously and friends will follow. And be persistent but if someone just doesn't seem interested then don't waste your time. Like you said there are hundreds of people moving in and out of nyc all the time so there's plenty of fish in the sea. Or maybe it should be plenty of meat in the market for us? Lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2015 2:18 AM GMT
    This is how I make friends.I meet someone new or my BF and I meet them together.I say it was so nice meeting you.Friend me on FB,exchange numbers.I say maybe we could do brunch sometime and we do it.As we speak I have been hosting some brunches at a local diner for gay boys of different ages.Since we have no gay bar left on Staten Island it is a good way to get to know new guys.Making friends is easy.Sometimes you need to adjust your personality though.Ask a close friend for their blunt opinion of your personality.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2015 3:20 AM GMT
    Put on Your best, most comfortable clothes.

    Don't be afraid.

    Go ANYWHERE.

    They will come to YOU.

    It is NOT a cold, hard City.

    But it cuts to the chase FAST.

    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2015 10:18 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidPlace a personal ad and don't forget to spell check or people may not know what you are soliciting for.

    REMEMBER: I before E except after C or when pronounced like an A in neighbor and weigh. There are exceptions, so if you're not sure, rely on a dictionary or spell check.

    I'm sorry. Too easy, but I couldn't resist.


    Plus the six (or so) exceptions like weird, seize, etc. grin!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2015 1:27 AM GMT
    I remember another friend I made. He was through work. We talked on the phone on weekends.

    In NYC, people like the adventure of walking. One time when we were walking, I had to buy something for my wardrobe. It was a joy. We still keep in contact.

    Another friend was from living in the same college dorm. When he and his girlfriend moved out, we would get together at their apartment for Friday night takeout (Japanese or Chinese), great conversation, sing along and air drums to Rush, Journey, or Phil Collins. We still keep in contact.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2015 4:14 AM GMT
    ^ I did acknowledge there were exceptions (of which friends isn't one) didn't I? That's why I recommended the use of a dictionary or spell check if one isn't sure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2015 4:16 AM GMT
    Cash saidPut on Your best, most comfortable clothes.

    Don't be afraid.

    Go ANYWHERE.

    They will come to YOU.

    It is NOT a cold, hard City.

    But it cuts to the chase FAST.

    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
    You forgot to say "pay them."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2015 4:29 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Cash saidPut on Your best, most comfortable clothes.

    Don't be afraid.

    Go ANYWHERE.

    They will come to YOU.

    It is NOT a cold, hard City.

    But it cuts to the chase FAST.

    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
    You forgot to say "pay them."


    No...I fogotto say have LOTS of Jaeger...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2015 7:19 AM GMT
    I can relate somewhat to your post. I had trouble making good gay friends back in SF and down in the LA area too. I noticed that my pattern is, I like a guy, I slept with him, we became friends and I want to date/get serious then he backed off. I had a couple of friends who were ex-hook up and I used OKC, Grindr to get dates from time to time. However, these friendships don't pan out much. I'm trying to be more social, going to networking events, putting myself out there. You just have to be open-minded and make friends wherever you go I guess, I rather have a small number of close friends rather than a bunch of acquaintances whom I have no idea like *Who are you??. It's sort of like Facebook, like who have about 4998 friends>>???, LOl like really?? About 200 or less is enough.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2015 3:51 PM GMT
    A friend is someone who you call at 3:00 am and ask if they will come and be with your toddler because you and your wife have to run to the hospital because her mother has had a massive heart attack and he gets out of bed and rushes to your house without asking a question or complaining that he has to get up in the morning for work.

    That is a FRIEND. Anyone else that you know who wouldn't do that (or something similar) for you is just an acquaintance.

    I know without a doubt that one of us will be at the other's death bed when the time comes.

    I have many acquaintances but few true friends.

    It takes YEARS to cultivate a friendship. Start by trying to make acquaintances. Some will stick by you in a time of crisis. Those are the friends.