Is there any hope for this fwb?

  • slowprogress

    Posts: 39

    Mar 30, 2015 5:18 AM GMT
    For the last 4 months I've been in a fwb situation with a friend of about a year. I've also started falling for him. Everything about his looks and personality just pushes all the right buttons for me. He is universally-loved as a super nice guy. My friends have commented on the great chemistry we have together, and have been encouraging me to take this further.

    Except there are a pile of obstacles:

    1- he's warned me that he's damaged goods from a previous relationship, and not ready for a relationship. He said he is punishing himself for having cheated on his ex, and to that end, sleeps with our other friends, some of whom aren't even close to his league. When I'm with his group of friends, I feel like a queen at a harem full of concubines. The only solace is that he only does PDA with me, even though he obviously fools around in private with other friends in the room, and at the same time very open about mentioning his other exploits. He is probably the most honest slut ever. He even hits on my friends, except in his circle everyone seems to be flirting with each other for fun (the jk but not really kind), so it's hard to tell. On paper, he sounds like a horrible person for this, but somehow I can't help but see him as a victim being taken advantage of by those unworthy concubines lol

    2- we're both tops... all my attempts to convert him to a bottom has had him running to the bathroom to heal his ass. Other than that, our sexual chemistry is great and he loves the things I do to him, even telling me that he's learned to use those tricks on other guys icon_evil.gif

    There are a few other issues, but they pale in comparison. I had decided to cut all romantic ties with him a month ago, but last week while with friends we gravitated towards each other and then made out at a club, again without hiding it. This is a hopeless cause, right?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 30, 2015 5:29 AM GMT
    tuff call ... maybe you should just flat out ask him ... tell him it's been a year and you are really into him and ask him if he is into you ... if he says no, well, perhaps it's time for you to face fact and find someone who actually cares about you. ... just my take on it, but don't go by me, because I wouldn't want you wonder 6 months down the line when he is with some one else, what if you had just stuck if out a bit longer. Maybe if you tell him you're into him and even if he says he doesn't want to go there and just let things keep going as they are, then he will realize he really is into you in a little more time down the line. I say tell, and then stick it out another 3 months and see how it goes. Who else do you have line up ahead of him, if no one, then well, may as will stick with him a while longer. You guys have fun together and sometimes that is better than being in a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2015 5:36 AM GMT
    I've got 2.5 FWB's (the .5 being a prospect who's shown interest but nothing's happened...won't even say 'yet' cause that's still in limbo).

    However, there's one FWB I'd go for it with before any of the others. And yeah, he shows PDA even around his gf (he's openly bi).

    As for your experience, I have no real advice other than my own experiences. That being said, my experience says don't fall too hard until you KNOW it's mutual. Until then, just be glad you have a good friend. If he doesn't want to take it further, be respectful and enjoy his friendship.
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    Mar 30, 2015 5:43 AM GMT
    The shit gays put themselves through for the D...
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Mar 30, 2015 6:37 AM GMT
    I am under the impression that your FwB is simply enjoying his life as it is.

    He is having loads of fun, and is apparently enjoying his freelance status. A monogamous relationship with another top dude may really not be his utmost priority at this time.

    He seems to be getting all the fun he wants, pretty much on his terms including your attention in every sense. Why would he want to change anything?

    Stop short of viewing other guys as being out of his league or a harem of his concubines. If he finds them good enough for him to mess around with them, they ARE good enough. If they are happy to bend over and please him at his call, there is little you or anyone else can do about this.

    It always takes two to tango. If the dude is genuinely not willing to take the road you want him to take, be prepared to look elsewhere.

    SC

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    Mar 30, 2015 8:25 AM GMT
    GameOver saidThe shit gays put themselves through for the D...


    Agreed.
    Sometimes I feel like the average gay man has too much of a hyperactive sex life.
    The 'D' starts coming before self-respect and when you keep fucking around, I feel like you have to desensitise the value of sex just so you can feel comfortable sleeping around.
    Then you start having multiple FB's and then next minute you're confused because you're developing feelings all around the shop in various degrees with no balance whatsoever.

    Then to overcome that issue you desensitise yourself about sex even more but what's it all worth in the end?
    What do you actually achieve in life?
    You sleep with so many but nobody wants to commit to you and that's supposed to make you feel validated or good about yourself?

    To me the whole thing just seems so destructive.

    Whatever though to each their own but I feel like people just either don't realise or refuse to realise how destructive it actually is to a person's heart and soul, regardless of whether it's mutual or on the DL or whatever.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2015 1:27 PM GMT
    The OP made the right decision by cutting all romantic ties but failed when he decided to make out with him at a club. And he asked if the situation is hopeless.....um, yeah it is!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2015 3:23 PM GMT
    IDK

    --drop the "league" shit. I know it's Manhattan, but seriously.

    --FWB last about 9 months; a year if you're in Graduate school.

    --Two total tops never work
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2015 10:58 PM GMT
    aloneintheworld saidFor the last 4 months I've been in a fwb situation with a friend of about a year. I've also started falling for him. Everything about his looks and personality just pushes all the right buttons for me. He is universally-loved as a super nice guy. My friends have commented on the great chemistry we have together, and have been encouraging me to take this further.

    Except there are a pile of obstacles:

    1- he's warned me that he's damaged goods from a previous relationship, and not ready for a relationship. He said he is punishing himself for having cheated on his ex, and to that end, sleeps with our other friends, some of whom aren't even close to his league. When I'm with his group of friends, I feel like a queen at a harem full of concubines. The only solace is that he only does PDA with me, even though he obviously fools around in private with other friends in the room, and at the same time very open about mentioning his other exploits. He is probably the most honest slut ever. He even hits on my friends, except in his circle everyone seems to be flirting with each other for fun (the jk but not really kind), so it's hard to tell. On paper, he sounds like a horrible person for this, but somehow I can't help but see him as a victim being taken advantage of by those unworthy concubines lol

    2- we're both tops... all my attempts to convert him to a bottom has had him running to the bathroom to heal his ass. Other than that, our sexual chemistry is great and he loves the things I do to him, even telling me that he's learned to use those tricks on other guys icon_evil.gif

    There are a few other issues, but they pale in comparison. I had decided to cut all romantic ties with him a month ago, but last week while with friends we gravitated towards each other and then made out at a club, again without hiding it. This is a hopeless cause, right?


    icon_lol.gif

    you can't help who you fall for, but I'll tell you something. Nothing's going to progress if you keep your feelings hidden. Good luck!
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 31, 2015 2:48 AM GMT
    Can't turn a hoe into a housewife.

    Obviously since he has never one time indicated dissatisfaction about his hooking up ways there is no chance of making him your's. So let's all try not to hurt ourselves with these "types".
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Apr 01, 2015 4:10 AM GMT
    Omg gay guys are dumb.

    Hook up with whomever you like, but if you are looking for a relationship there is a simple rule


    top top NO NOT EVER
    bottom bottom NO
    verse verse great
    top verse okay for a while but no, but oral okay
    bottom verse okay for a while but no, but oral okay
    top bottom HELL YA

    otherwise just date a woman. smarten up. date someone compatible.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2015 9:55 AM GMT
    pazzy said
    you stated exactly the top reason why i don't want to do hookups and am not having sex yet. that's the exact problem. folks treat sex like it's nothing when it is something, all for everything but it's damn purpose. at the end of the day, nobody respects each other and they don't respect themselves. i learned not as a kid to not like everybody touch my private parts. eventually, i grew up and learned that i can let folks touch my private parts but i don't trust folks with my secrets.


    110% spot on.
    This is exactly what happens.
    I feel like for a lot of gay men (and I suppose the world in general), the only real value they place on sex is consent and that's it.
    Not that I'm saying consent isn't important because of course it definitely is a must, but I feel like sex has been that far 'stripped' down that a lot of people don't know how to value it passed consent.

    This might be a stupid analogy but it's kind of like currency.
    If a country decides one day to print billions of dollars to circulate in the country, the value of the currency drops.
    I feel like once sex is passed the consent stage, people just give it free reign for whoever wants it and it actually makes sex less meaningful every time.
    Not that I'm saying people's bodies come at a price or anything like that.

    Anyway I know this is unpopular opinion and I always say to each their own.
    It's just sad that for a lot of people, the value of sex only goes as far as consent and then it's treated as nothing significant.
  • AnonymousNYC

    Posts: 60

    Apr 01, 2015 4:03 PM GMT
    I have a few questions because fwb is always confusing to me:

    1) How often do u guys have sex and who initiates it?
    2) You don't mind he gets with other guys? (Ew) So im guessing u do the same
    3) Do u kiss? Hold hands? Pillow talk? Or is it jus down n dirty?
  • AnonymousNYC

    Posts: 60

    Apr 01, 2015 4:04 PM GMT
    DryMoan said
    pazzy said
    you stated exactly the top reason why i don't want to do hookups and am not having sex yet. that's the exact problem. folks treat sex like it's nothing when it is something, all for everything but it's damn purpose. at the end of the day, nobody respects each other and they don't respect themselves. i learned not as a kid to not like everybody touch my private parts. eventually, i grew up and learned that i can let folks touch my private parts but i don't trust folks with my secrets.


    110% spot on.
    This is exactly what happens.
    I feel like for a lot of gay men (and I suppose the world in general), the only real value they place on sex is consent and that's it.
    Not that I'm saying consent isn't important because of course it definitely is a must, but I feel like sex has been that far 'stripped' down that a lot of people don't know how to value it passed consent.

    This might be a stupid analogy but it's kind of like currency.
    If a country decides one day to print billions of dollars to circulate in the country, the value of the currency drops.
    I feel like once sex is passed the consent stage, people just give it free reign for whoever wants it and it actually makes sex less meaningful every time.
    Not that I'm saying people's bodies come at a price or anything like that.

    Anyway I know this is unpopular opinion and I always say to each their own.
    It's just sad that for a lot of people, the value of sex only goes as far as consent and then it's treated as nothing significant.


    I always say hookups take a part of your soul each time
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2015 1:04 AM GMT
    If you've developed feelings he can't reciprocate, then the relationship is now toxic. If it was me, I'd run away. You deserve better. I wish I could say it a hundred more times, b/c that's what it takes sometimes for your to believe it. You deserve better. Move on.
  • slowprogress

    Posts: 39

    May 18, 2015 5:53 AM GMT
    AnonymousNYC saidI have a few questions because fwb is always confusing to me:

    1) How often do u guys have sex and who initiates it?
    2) You don't mind he gets with other guys? (Ew) So im guessing u do the same
    3) Do u kiss? Hold hands? Pillow talk? Or is it jus down n dirty?


    1) Sometimes him, sometimes me. There's a very strong mutual attraction and chemistry. He tells me all the time that we'd be perfect for each other if only I was a bottom.

    2) I'm a virgin mary by gay standards lol. This year I had 2 hookups (a record high), a 4-week fling, and him. He has an occasional fuck buddy 3 hours away, 2 guys in our wider circle of friends whom he previously "dated", and one other current fwb who is more of a charity case owing to a long friendship.

    3) Definitely everything. It's weird, but even after I've ended the intimate aspect of our friendship, he still wants to hold hands on the street and "pretend to date" sometimes. I've now gotten used to constantly shrugging off his affections when he tries to cuddle me in front of our friends.

    My friends routinely say my standards are too high, seemingly except for when it comes to him. For all my self-righteous judgament of everyone else, this one slut can do no wrong by me... maybe it's because he's so honest about it. Even looks-wise my friends say "you just like his body!", even though it's his face I find hottest. One friend even warned me that his features looks like that of an unskilled laborer and won't age well lol.

    Sometimes I wonder if he and I can have a LTR based on other ways of having sex and just un-learn the desire for anal... cuz it's heteronormative! Why does someone need to 'be the girl'?! I knew I liked guys at age 11, and didn't consider wanting anal until after another 10 years of porn. Half the time it's too messy and obligatory anyway.