Not to whine (too much), but...

  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Apr 03, 2015 3:03 AM GMT
    anyone ever feel like they're never going to find a man to share their life with? In my case, I'm just too weird and don't really "fit in" with the norms of what a gay man "should be". I find that I creep guys out by being quiet/introspective or I annoy them by being overly opinionated.

    I don't know, I often feel like I have nothing in common with the average gay man in terms of perspective, background, personality, goals, etc.

    I'm 27, been "out" for four years, and I haven't had a boyfriend yet. Is it because I'm a working class student with no money? Will I be more likely to meet someone when I have a little dough? Is it because I'm black? What is the age that gay men actually get serious about meeting someone?

    So many questions. There should be a service for gay men that helps us figure out what kind of guys we should realistically be looking for. And then how to go out and get 'em.

    I look around and see so many single gay guys. Tsk tsk. Don't y'all get tired of "hooking up" ad nauseum? Drains the soul.

    Straight folk have it so much easier. Le sigh.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2015 4:32 AM GMT
    It's not uncommon to feel like that. There isn't a particular age men want to get serious, it all depends on experience and when they've had enough of being single. Some guys get tired of hook-ups quicker than others. And as for money, it does help to have some, it makes a lot of guys take you more seriously (they aren't necessarily looking for money, just a stable guy).
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Apr 03, 2015 5:52 AM GMT
    The moment you set out looking for a BF, you are putting out a big red flag. You are positioning yourself as someone who is applying for a position, may be needy/clingy. So, a few otherwise qualified guys take off for the hills right away.

    Adopt the view that you are open to dating. Not that you are looking for a BF. Now, if that dating bit works out for the two of you, things may progress from there onwards, as they usually do.

    Do not emphasize the fact that you are college student, and that the funds are pretty tight. Quite a few college students are facing the very same situation, and are dating successfully. Few people expect every college guy out there to be loaded...

    Try to curb down your enthusiasm for the issues that may be divisive, unorthodox or too challenging for anyone to understand them or even want to consider them at any early stage of their dating experience. Few people are very keen on dating a staunch activist who will enthuse the whole experience with an agenda that they may or may not agree with but are likely to be uninterested in.

    Project yourself as a very promising young guy who is working to achieve his goals, and who would be a class "A" BF without stressing on your desire to form a LTR, possibly monogamous relationship.

    Every guy out there has some sort of baggage that he is lugging around. Consider not overemphasizing its importance in your future life with someone whom you want to be BFs with.

    Market yourself well. Dating is an essentially marketing exercise meant to give everyone the best partner they deserve at any given time. Focus on answering a pointed question: why would this dude out there, (who you see as a potentially good BF material) be interested in dating me, and not this other dude? What can I put on the table that makes me the winner of the game?

    Many guys here agree that guys tend to be promiscuous. If you have been around the block for more than once, you'll agree with this, too. Now, you may not like it. But that's how it is. You may want to consider not commenting negatively on this. Even a dude who may be interested in dating you, may find that you are keen on judging him, his friends on their past, and may again quickly move on.

    Just my 2-3c

    SC
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Apr 03, 2015 5:55 AM GMT
    With how you carry yourself here, I find it very hard to see that you're having trouble meeting guys. I mean, you live in New York, one of the meccas of Gay individuals.

    As for the hookup thing. I definitely think it varies from person to person.

    And you've only been out 4 years, don't fret over that too much. It'll happen when it happens. I mean, I've never had a boyfriend either and I've been out longer than you (9 years, I came out when I was 15). You just have to keep that sliver of faith you'll meet someone.

    Whatever you do, don't fall into the race trap. The "Is it because I'm Black" thing. I know it's hard and I'm guilty of the thoughts myself but if you sink into that, it won't do you any good.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2015 1:54 PM GMT
    Mulignan said...I'm just too weird ... by being quiet/introspective or I annoy them by being overly opinionated... Straight folk have it so much easier.


    -communications is key to a relationship; that is being the man and saying accurately what you have to say when you need to say it.
    -opinions and belief systems are a dime a dozen, everyone has them. Know what you can respect in a guy and what is a deal breaker.

    yes the straights, the other 96%, have a much bigger range to pick from.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2015 3:13 PM GMT
    Mulignan saidanyone ever feel like they're never going to find a man to share their life with? In my case, I'm just too weird and don't really "fit in" with the norms of what a gay man "should be". I find that I creep guys out by being quiet/introspective or I annoy them by being overly opinionated.

    I don't know, I often feel like I have nothing in common with the average gay man in terms of perspective, background, personality, goals, etc.

    I'm 27, been "out" for four years, and I haven't had a boyfriend yet. Is it because I'm a working class student with no money? Will I be more likely to meet someone when I have a little dough? Is it because I'm black? What is the age that gay men actually get serious about meeting someone?

    So many questions. There should be a service for gay men that helps us figure out what kind of guys we should realistically be looking for. And then how to go out and get 'em.

    I look around and see so many single gay guys. Tsk tsk. Don't y'all get tired of "hooking up" ad nauseum? Drains the soul.

    Straight folk have it so much easier. Le sigh.


    OK, so that was something I could have easily read in a gay article back in 1978. Nothing has changed. icon_wink.gif

    About this norm a gay man should be. Here, watch this, about normal:

    (this message brought to you by the straights that you think have it so easy)
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Apr 04, 2015 7:03 AM GMT
    BloodFlame saidWith how you carry yourself here, I find it very hard to see that you're having trouble meeting guys. I mean, you live in New York, one of the meccas of Gay individuals.

    As for the hookup thing. I definitely think it varies from person to person.

    And you've only been out 4 years, don't fret over that too much. It'll happen when it happens. I mean, I've never had a boyfriend either and I've been out longer than you (9 years, I came out when I was 15). You just have to keep that sliver of faith you'll meet someone.

    Whatever you do, don't fall into the race trap. The "Is it because I'm Black" thing. I know it's hard and I'm guilty of the thoughts myself but if you sink into that, it won't do you any good.

    Good luck.


    Yeah, just throwing every variable out there.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Apr 04, 2015 7:08 AM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidThe moment you set out looking for a BF, you are putting out a big red flag. You are positioning yourself as someone who is applying for a position, may be needy/clingy. So, a few otherwise qualified guys take off for the hills right away.

    Adopt the view that you are open to dating. Not that you are looking for a BF. Now, if that dating bit works out for the two of you, things may progress from there onwards, as they usually do.

    Do not emphasize the fact that you are college student, and that the funds are pretty tight. Quite a few college students are facing the very same situation, and are dating successfully. Few people expect every college guy out there to be loaded...

    Try to curb down your enthusiasm for the issues that may be divisive, unorthodox or too challenging for anyone to understand them or even want to consider them at any early stage of their dating experience. Few people are very keen on dating a staunch activist who will enthuse the whole experience with an agenda that they may or may not agree with but are likely to be uninterested in.

    Project yourself as a very promising young guy who is working to achieve his goals, and who would be a class "A" BF without stressing on your desire to form a LTR, possibly monogamous relationship.

    Every guy out there has some sort of baggage that he is lugging around. Consider not overemphasizing its importance in your future life with someone whom you want to be BFs with.

    Market yourself well. Dating is an essentially marketing exercise meant to give everyone the best partner they deserve at any given time. Focus on answering a pointed question: why would this dude out there, (who you see as a potentially good BF material) be interested in dating me, and not this other dude? What can I put on the table that makes me the winner of the game?

    Many guys here agree that guys tend to be promiscuous. If you have been around the block for more than once, you'll agree with this, too. Now, you may not like it. But that's how it is. You may want to consider not commenting negatively on this. Even a dude who may be interested in dating you, may find that you are keen on judging him, his friends on their past, and may again quickly move on.

    Just my 2-3c

    SC


    Good advice overall. Money does matter when it comes to dating though, especially in NY. Many guys will gouge where you are economically by asking what neighborhood you live in before they even ask what you do, as of course, where you live is very telling.

    In regards to the first paragraph, I've never made any real concerted effort to find a boyfriend. I've had a few dates, was courted by a much older gentleman, but nothing has really gone anywhere. I'm starting to think it's just the culture of this city. Time for move? Savannah, Georgia looks beautiful icon_smile.gif
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Apr 04, 2015 8:22 AM GMT
    Mulignan said
    SilverRRCloud saidThe moment you set out looking for a BF, you are putting out a big red flag. You are positioning yourself as someone who is applying for a position, may be needy/clingy. So, a few otherwise qualified guys take off for the hills right away.

    Adopt the view that you are open to dating. Not that you are looking for a BF. Now, if that dating bit works out for the two of you, things may progress from there onwards, as they usually do.

    Do not emphasize the fact that you are college student, and that the funds are pretty tight. Quite a few college students are facing the very same situation, and are dating successfully. Few people expect every college guy out there to be loaded...

    Try to curb down your enthusiasm for the issues that may be divisive, unorthodox or too challenging for anyone to understand them or even want to consider them at any early stage of their dating experience. Few people are very keen on dating a staunch activist who will enthuse the whole experience with an agenda that they may or may not agree with but are likely to be uninterested in.

    Project yourself as a very promising young guy who is working to achieve his goals, and who would be a class "A" BF without stressing on your desire to form a LTR, possibly monogamous relationship.

    Every guy out there has some sort of baggage that he is lugging around. Consider not overemphasizing its importance in your future life with someone whom you want to be BFs with.

    Market yourself well. Dating is an essentially marketing exercise meant to give everyone the best partner they deserve at any given time. Focus on answering a pointed question: why would this dude out there, (who you see as a potentially good BF material) be interested in dating me, and not this other dude? What can I put on the table that makes me the winner of the game?

    Many guys here agree that guys tend to be promiscuous. If you have been around the block for more than once, you'll agree with this, too. Now, you may not like it. But that's how it is. You may want to consider not commenting negatively on this. Even a dude who may be interested in dating you, may find that you are keen on judging him, his friends on their past, and may again quickly move on.

    Just my 2-3c

    SC


    Good advice overall. Money does matter when it comes to dating though, especially in NY. Many guys will gouge where you are economically by asking what neighborhood you live in before they even ask what you do, as of course, where you live is very telling.

    In regards to the first paragraph, I've never made any real concerted effort to find a boyfriend. I've had a few dates, was courted by a much older gentleman, but nothing has really gone anywhere. I'm starting to think it's just the culture of this city. Time for move? Savannah, Georgia looks beautiful icon_smile.gif


    Well, if you are able to move, I think you should. I mean, maybe a change of scenery would be good. And yeah, perhaps you just need to meet a different array of guys. I'm not sure about NY but it sounds like it's a fast-placed city where people don't always have the time to meet and life moves so quickly each day. So maybe you'd do better in a more suburban place where the lifestyle seems a little slower?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2015 9:36 PM GMT
    Mulignan saidanyone ever feel like they're never going to find a man to share their life with? In my case, I'm just too weird and don't really "fit in" with the norms of what a gay man "should be". I find that I creep guys out by being quiet/introspective or I annoy them by being overly opinionated.

    I don't know, I often feel like I have nothing in common with the average gay man in terms of perspective, background, personality, goals, etc.

    I'm 27, been "out" for four years, and I haven't had a boyfriend yet. Is it because I'm a working class student with no money? Will I be more likely to meet someone when I have a little dough? Is it because I'm black? What is the age that gay men actually get serious about meeting someone?

    So many questions. There should be a service for gay men that helps us figure out what kind of guys we should realistically be looking for. And then how to go out and get 'em.

    I look around and see so many single gay guys. Tsk tsk. Don't y'all get tired of "hooking up" ad nauseum? Drains the soul.

    Straight folk have it so much easier. Le sigh.


    I feel the same way at times. Personally, though I know I have to put myself I wonder if I'm even a good match for anyone out there or if I'll have anything in common. Plus, as much I hate to admit it, I believe I can be extremely picky. I never thought of my race as an issue other than not being of a person's preference. I've seen attractive black men, but never placed myself in the same category as them.