Navigating friendship problems...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2015 2:43 PM GMT
    I'm not sure how I should handle this situation or how to confront things (or even what to say) with a friend.

    I like to learn things and look information up. Such as, we were watching a movie and surprised that the guy was painting (it was based on a true story), so I pulled out my cell phone and looked it up online to see that the man was indeed a painter and shared that information. The other friend that was with me went outside with her to smoke, and I overheard that friend saying, "I would never do something like that while we were watching a movie!" Later on I went to apologize, and she told me that it seems really competitive (e.g., seeing who can get the information first) and like I have a need for validation - and that it's pretty annoying. So I stopped - since I didn't see it as me being competitive, having a need for validation, etc. I just saw it as, if we have a question and a smart phone on us then let's use it.

    A few days later we were watching another movie. Something reminded her of something, and so she whipped out her cell phone and was literally playing movie clips while we were watching the show. There's been several other times where she's done the same thing... now she says that she's rather old-fashioned and doesn't like having her cell phone, so everytime we go somewhere she puts on a big display and says, "I'm leaving my cell phone at home!"

    Then the other day, when it was snowing I mentioned that I experienced more snow in Kentucky than in Delaware (come on, when I first moved to Delaware I went to my grandmother's house in shorts on Christmas Day - compared to the freezing of Kentucky). She then made a big deal to say, "I don't believe that!" and proceeded to explain that Kentucky is in the south so it's warmer and gets less snow (in reality, where I live in Kentucky isn't that much further south - and it's in the mountains and further west). She wouldn't beleive me.

    Then yesterday we were out eating and I mentioned how I don't like working new jobs as a receptionist because everytime I've started a new job (three jobs so far), I've ended up getting an ear ache/infection from the ear that I hold the new phone to my ear. She then proceeded to say, "I don't believe that... I think it's because your pressing a new phone against your ear and it's the pressure that's causing the pain." She then proceeded to share that bacteria can't get into the inner part of your ear. Then when we were discussing the other friend's upcoming birthday - he said he got a coupon in the mail for a free entree at a restaurant we eat at. They agreed on Thursday, and I let them know there's an important appointment I have up north that can't be cancelled that day. I wouldn't be back in the area until 7:45 - 8 PM at the earliest - so they could either wait until then or they could eat without me. The birthday friend then said we're the three musketeers we can't eat with you - how come you'd say that!? Then the other friend said that it's because it was a test and I was testing their loyalty to see if they would respond in a manner such as "Oh we wouldn't do that with you!" That wasn't what I was thinking though, I was thinking that our birthday friends likes to eat really early after work. Besides, we were also planning a celebration outside of dinner. Our food that night came just at that time, so the issue was dropped and the subject changed.

    The other day I told her about an issue I was having with my grandmother (very dysfunctional), and she said that she can't tell if I'm upset or bothered by it because I'm acting fine. I tried telling her that I've come to accept my grandmother for who she is and realize that I can't expect anything different from her - this has been very freeing for me as I've been able to move on with my life and to other relationships and I'm not getting myself stuck in this cycle of expecting her to change, getting my hopes up and being disappointed when she doesn't, etc. The friend seemed to have just disregarded everything I said, and said that seems sad that I've just come to accept things for the way they are.

    When she does this - I can't help but feel so angry toward her. I'm not sure what to say or do, or who is "right" or "wrong" (if that even exist in this situation), etc.

    Some advice as well as thoughts on the situation would be helpful. I'm worried if I confront her, she'll just deny and turn everything back onto me. She also does this thing where she relies heavily on denial. The other night we went to a restaurant, and her total was almost $50 with about half being alcohol. Also, she had a shot of vodka before leaving the house. Then at the gay bar her total was another $25 in alchohol alone. In the car, she mentioned "I only had one drink at the bar." Then another time at the bar she was looking at pictures of a friend's drag performance and when he left to go smoke, she told me that he looked like a hot mess and nobody was probably telling him that. I was surprised (I thought he was the best dressed and had the best performance) and said, "But he was my favorite!" The next day she asked me why I had such a surprised reaction saying she was surprised that I spoke to her like that. I told her - and she said she didn't say that at all and that she said she liked his drag and thought he was one of the best. Then a few days later she made a comment about him saying how he did a great job while really smiling at me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2015 2:59 PM GMT
    sounds like you need to stop hanging around this person.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2015 4:35 PM GMT
    willular saidsounds like you need to stop hanging around this person.

    ^+1! Choose your friends more wisely - and remember that you DO have a choice!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2015 7:43 PM GMT
    She sounds annoying and very very needy. I'd distance myself if I were you.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Apr 06, 2015 5:49 PM GMT
    Echo all of the above - DUMP THE BITCH! FAST!!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 06, 2015 5:54 PM GMT
    You need to ask yourself:"What value does she add to my life." And based on your honest answer decide how much contact you want with her.

    If I were you I'd write her off or severely curtail how much time I spent with her. She sounds toxic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2015 2:42 PM GMT
    90%. of my friends are guys.That sounds like a typical annoying girl.
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    Apr 08, 2015 4:57 PM GMT
    And you still hang out with her why? Maybe it's harsh to ask this, is she the only friend you have? If she is, then maybe it's time for you to meet someone new. Surround yourself with people who have positif energy. Maybe it will take time to get yourself a new friend. But frankly i would rather be friendless than being a friend of someone like her. Sorry.
    But it's your choice. You do have a choice.
    And We do get what we think we deserve.
  • jeep334

    Posts: 552

    Apr 08, 2015 5:17 PM GMT
    I agree with all of the above. There must have been something at sometime in your lives where the friendship was a good thing. Personally it sounds like she consumes way too much alochol and is somewhat of a controlling person. My guess is that she was not in this state of mind at the beginning of your relationship. People do change for all sorts of viable reasons. Unless there are some really good reasons not to, and from your story I don't find any, I'd say it's time to bid farewell to the friendship as difficult as that might be for you. icon_cool.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9225

    Apr 08, 2015 11:48 PM GMT
    Are you nuts ?
    Don't you deserve better than this ?

    She's not being a friend.

    Tell her you don't want to be friends anymore.

  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Apr 09, 2015 1:24 AM GMT
    Glancing at the 9 comments to your OP is sufficient to make me glad I didn't waste my time reading it.

    Their advice is pretty much unanimous but I don't expect you'll take it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2015 11:33 PM GMT
    'Incompatibility' is not exclusive between lovers; it exists in other forms of relationship too. When two personalities don't work out or for worse one/both parties are experiencing negative stuff from one another, then it's for the best to place a distance in this toxic relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2015 11:50 PM GMT
    Cut that fucking whore outta ur life. She sounds so negative, u dont need that shit.

    If I were you i'd just straight up stop talking to her. POOF. bye.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2015 10:16 PM GMT
    Hello! It's now been a week since posting my question here on the forum and so I've had plenty of time to think about what is happening between us.

    I do want to thank everyone who read my post as well as replied. Your posts certainly did help me to separate what might be my issue from her issues.

    I've been thinking about our friendship, and I have decided that my overall experience with her as a friend has been positive. I consider her to be one of my two close friends. I have other friends that I enjoy spending time with, but we are not as close as I am in my relationship with those two friends. Friends in the second category, come and go and may fade out due to the circumstances of our lives changing. Friends in the former category, are like family to me. I believe conflict is inevitable in any relationship, and that everyone has their flaws and weaknesses. I'm thinking that what's important is how we navigate these differences and handle the conflict, as opposed to avoiding the conflict altogether or even cutting people off when we experience a conflict. Please keep in mind that I would consider immediately cutting off someone if I felt they were a danger to me (violent, aggressive, drugs, heavy drinking, stealing, mentally unstable, etc).

    The responses have helped me to see these issues may be stemming from low self-esteem. She may not realize the impact her behavior has on me, especially since I've not spoken to her about this. She does know that I'm very big into self-improvement, and I'm wondering if perhaps she may be thinking that she's helping me to improve myself. If so, I could just mention that I do appreciate her trying to help me, but this is what's going on when she does this or that.

    Like one poster mentioned, I do have a choice. Some of the things I've thought of are: when we experience conflict over a memory or something very subjective (such as what she said about the friend at the bar) I could politley say something like, "Well, we remember differently" with a sense of finality in my voice. If she continues, I could just repeat that we remember differently then and change the topic, leave the room, etc. Since we both use our iPhones to look stuff up, the next time she does it I could smile and say, "I think it's just being young and having an iPhone." She doesn't drink throughout the week, but does when going out on the weekends. We don't always go out together, but when we do I take my own car and let her know that she can leave with me or someone else (and I won't be responsible). If she says something like she did when we were eating out, I could just say something like "How come you would say that? I was thinking that there's going to be a celebration later, and since I have an appointment I could miss it or you guys could wait. I think that those are reasonable thoughts given the current situation."

    I often have trouble speaking up in the moment...

    So I'm going to start trying these ideas and see what happens. I'll re-assess in the future if needed. Perhaps I shall comment here when there's more of an update.

    Once again, thank you all for your responses!