2 friends warning me about each other

  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Apr 05, 2015 10:59 PM GMT
    So 3 weeks ago my group of gay friends recently added a new guy to the group (let's call him Tom). Turns out 6 years ago he dated a friend of mine from another group (let's call him Dan). We realized this fact last weekend when the 2 groups went out together.

    The next day, Tom drops by, because we accidentally swapped credit cards during dinner the previous night, and when the subject of Dan came up, he says that Dan seems to have changed for the worse from his recent run-ins with him, and that his personality is unrecognizable from 6 years ago. He cited some of Dan's behavior from last night - stuff I had no problem with - as evidence of being an asshole.

    I subsequently had lunch with another friend and Dan, who tells me that Tom used to steal things when they went out (he was 17, maybe he grew out of it?), and that he's a very calculating social climber who uses people. I saw some evidence of that the following weekend when I unwittingly helped Tom crash a birthday party, and he struck me as a totally-transparent but somehow effective pick-up artist. I told him he comes across as desperate, and he admits that he's in rebound mode from a recent breakup, to which my friends were more sympathetic.

    I have a feeling Tom is bad news and should be let go quietly, but I can't be sure. My instinct is to always get the truth out, and tell each guy what the other said lol so they have a chance to respond to the allegations. It's how I'd like to be treated. Is that taboo?
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    Apr 05, 2015 11:06 PM GMT
    No need to repeat what people said, if you do you get the reputation for someone who can't keep a secret. But letting Tom go sounds like a prudent plan.
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    Apr 05, 2015 11:47 PM GMT
    This sort of thing I find it best to listen to the warning, then examine the other person's behaviour myself.
    Sometimes, this type of talk can just be one person with a grudge....even though it may be of their own making.

    That said, certainly looks like some warning signs there.
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    Apr 06, 2015 12:19 AM GMT
    Yeah, don't share these allegations with the accused. They'll both gang up on you. Because you'd be a busybody, gossip, meddler.

    Oh, which sounds exactly like the other two in your story.

    Quick advice: if someone seems a little off to you, trust your instinct. Watch, guard, watch some more. Stay out of other people's trauma dramas.
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    Apr 06, 2015 12:49 AM GMT
    You need new friends.
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    Apr 06, 2015 12:57 AM GMT
    christastic said
    I have a feeling Tom is bad news and should be let go quietly, but I can't be sure. My instinct is to always get the truth out, and tell each guy what the other said lol so they have a chance to respond to the allegations. It's how I'd like to be treated. Is that taboo?

    A good instinct. The art is in how to "get the truth out". Leading to the philosophical question, somewhat ironic on Easter: "What is truth?"

    I'm reminded of the classic 1950 Japanese film Rashomon by director Akira Kurosawa. In which entirely different versions of the same crime are related, each one completely plausible. Leading to the modern term "Rashomon effect" that refers to real-world situations in which multiple eye-witness testimonies of an event contain conflicting information.

    So what is the truth about this Tom here? Or even about your other friend Dan? You may be hearing bad information from both.

    I would be wary, and proceed carefully. You say your group has "added" Tom. What do THEY think of him? You don't want to alienate them, and be seen as the instigator of dissension within the group.

    If Tom is a social-climbing loser I think your friends will soon discover it. I wouldn't foment any conflict yourself. And so say nothing at present. Unless you have hard evidence of Tom's treachery, if it exists.

    But I also would limit your own one-on-one contacts with Tom. Don't repeat an incident like that birthday party crashing.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 06, 2015 1:38 AM GMT
    I hate drama of this nature. You are a reasonable guy who can make his own decisions. I say, do what makes the most sense, do so as you suggested, without fanfare and back away. Drama in life isn't helpful, can add tension and stress and ultimately can create major cracks and fissures with other friends (or worse). Think carefully and implement, don't talk a lot about it with friends (and fan the "flames" of drama). Just do so.
  • BLSHJ

    Posts: 36

    Apr 06, 2015 2:31 AM GMT
    You know what would give you a brain fuck ?

    You are surrounded by people who would say bad things about their "friend" in front of you.

    Get ready for the brain fuck ?

    You are their "friend" too ;p

    ====================================
    You know more about a person by what they constantly say about other people.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Apr 06, 2015 2:47 AM GMT
    This how I deal with situations like this! a friend who talks bad about my other friends personal lives (whether it turned out a lie or fact for that matter)and then I notice he behaves sympathetic/supportive/friendly with the same person he just trashed!? what make you think your tell tell friend is not doing the same thing to you!? would you trust someone who is double faced!? would you? think about it!

  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Apr 06, 2015 3:22 AM GMT
    You want the truth?

    If Tom is the type of person you suspect you can hardly trust him to be truthful with you about his own nature.

    Trust your instincts and just let things seem to organically dissolve on their own as if it's no one fault. You can make excuses not to do things with him or to have him over.

    Avoid being caught between exes. Stay away from drama and "messy" people. Never discuss Person A with Person A's ex. You'll always come out better for it.
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    Apr 06, 2015 3:45 AM GMT
    yea i wudnt read too much into what he said about him or he said back.. like thats all bull.. trust in urself to make a decision about a person and not wat others tell u to believe. is it some kinda initiation thing to have a new guy join ur group of friends? lol.. whats with the investigation into them.. they havent done anything to u at all yet to have u question their trustworthiness/friendship..
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Apr 06, 2015 3:57 AM GMT
    There is one rule that have worked for me within my social circle; I learned to stay away from people who trash or talk bad about others, they personally know very little about! as far as the stealing part, there are many tell tell signs of dishonesty about a person, that you could find out for yourself!
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Apr 06, 2015 5:33 PM GMT
    It sounds to me like you either have a toxic friendship circle (if they all talk shit about each other) or you have a couple of (not only the new guy) bad apples. It's always best to heed your own instincts and reactions first layered with whatever else you've heard or know. You said yourself that for one you had no issues with what 'Dan' did that Tom commented negatively about and that you did observe some negative behavior or traits in Tom. Given Tom is the newest and given you had your own negative reaction that would be the obvious for me.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11822

    Apr 06, 2015 5:35 PM GMT
    They both have motives..Drop kick both their asses and start over. Drama belongs in films, not in daily interactions.
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Apr 06, 2015 7:46 PM GMT
    TerraFirma saidYou need new friends.


    lol This
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Apr 06, 2015 8:51 PM GMT
    People get mad at each other for various reasons, some good, some bad, some serious, some not. Some people get over being mad in a nanosecond, others hold grudges. Don't worry about it. Stay out of it. Not your problem. Make friends with the people you like and assume the best unless there's reason to change your mind.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 06, 2015 9:12 PM GMT
    Both guys seems sloppy, drama-filled, and subversive. I wouldn't trust either of them, and I'd effectively push them out of my life.

    When trash reveals itself, throw it out.
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    Apr 06, 2015 9:41 PM GMT
    Tom had your credit card for 12 hours. If he can't be trusted you'll know when your bill comes.
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14341

    Apr 06, 2015 9:43 PM GMT
    TerraFirma saidYou need new friends.
    You are damned right he needs new friends. Tell both these feuding fools to hit the road. You don't need the aggravation and the drama.
  • daveindenver

    Posts: 314

    Apr 06, 2015 10:44 PM GMT
    WOW.
    welcome to 10th grade.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 06, 2015 11:00 PM GMT
    This is the part where you throw them deuces up and say "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and seek new friends.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 07, 2015 5:32 AM GMT
    Always trust your gut instinct. If he give you that nervous nautious feeling, then there's a good chance he's bad news.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2015 12:16 PM GMT
    Go with your instinct. Rarely will it fail you.
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    Apr 07, 2015 9:23 PM GMT
    DefensiveEnd saidTom had your credit card for 12 hours. If he can't be trusted you'll know when your bill comes.


    damn it man

    that's all I read...icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Apr 07, 2015 9:59 PM GMT
    daveindenver saidWOW.
    welcome to 10th grade.

    +1 I'd rather sit for a 12-hour dentist appointment than spend any amount of time with the OP's inner circle..... I doubt any of them will still be friends in 5 years -- but healthy gums are for life!icon_lol.gificon_neutral.gif