gay guys really despise me

  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 25, 2015 8:41 AM GMT
    so being in cape town and meeting so many people I've discovered to my chagrin that gay guys really really really really loathe me. I speak to them once and afterwards they avoid me. I've been in this place for four months and haven't even gotten a kiss yet. It's so depressing.

    ON the other hand I make friends on the regular. I go to a place with some friends and make five new friends who truly want to spend time with me. They say they love my level-headedness and the fact that I'm resolute in my intentions. I can be part of a crowd but not do what the do. I'm also quite candid about my opinions, and straight men, and gay/straight girls say they really like me.

    Gay guys, form the two I've manage to pry an opinion out of say that I am so abrasive and that "gay guys work in subtelties. Tone down your behaviour to be a bit more subtle and maybe thy'll like you. Gay guys just won't go for someone as abrasive as you". And so far that statement has rung true.

    Is this really true? Am I doomed to be alone forever without ever having a romantic experience because the makes me so utterly depressed and fills me with immobilizing sadness. What makes it worse is having to listen to ALL my friends' love stories and hook up stories. sometimes I just feel like screaming. I just wish I could find a gay guy who would give me a chance to show them that I'm not some confrontational jerk and give me a chance to show them that I'm nice, affection human being. But they judge me within five minutes of meeting me. I constantly fluctuate between being angry at myself for having this apparently abhorant personality, being livid at all gay men for being superficial little bitches (I know that not to be true but sometimes I just get extremely enraged) and having thick, heavy sadness cascade over me to the point where my thoughts and current curriculum just become arrested. I just don't know why it is this way. I'm not evil, or brattish. I just have one single flaw in my character and I'm cursed with eternal loneliness. I really don't know what to do anymore.
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Apr 25, 2015 9:51 AM GMT
    yeah boet...Im gonna be rough with you but it is coming from love I promise
    we all need to find a balance between being ourselves and being what society expects of us
    we live in a societal world we have to at some point either conform or adjust so we fit in...if you refuse to fit in then you must be prepared to accept the consequences icon_biggrin.gif
    if two people have told you that you are abrasive thats very upsetting...only you can do something to change that - you need to be self aware of the impact you have on people ...observe others what makes them less abrasive ...how can you redirect your talents so they are seen as attractive!....why should you expect someone else to do alll the work and see you for whom you supposedly are inside ? why cant you meet them half way or more than half way? and - yes tone down your behavior so they can see the real you without having to take a chisel to your sequins and drama - as Joan Rivers always said... you need to work on yourself all the time..work on your looks work on your behavior ...be your own discerning director...and always do what the director says ! nobody likes to watch an over the top performance so when I am on stage and a director is yelling at me to tone it down ..I do all that I can to tone it down so the audience does not booo .. and I get the ovation I need !
    come on you can do this !
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 25, 2015 6:30 PM GMT
    The issue is that I've only ever gotten this from gay men. If every single person I'd encountered said this and I had like two friends then yes I think there would be a cause for concern. It would be easier to effect a change because then I could constantly police my behaviour. However the thing that gay guys don't like about me is the that thing everyone else does so I'll have to 'turn t on and off' so to speak and honestly sometimes (most times) I just forget to do so. It's going to be a hectic mission. But it is what it is I guess.
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Apr 25, 2015 7:03 PM GMT
    because straight people love a queen they think you are funny ..hilarious and entertaining like a court jester ...is their friendship deep and intimate ?
    do what you need to do to have the life you desire...the world will not change for you ... but you can not expect your life to change if you do not wish to change yourself...it is only fair
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 26, 2015 8:01 AM GMT
    LOL I'm not A QUEEN. people don't know im gay til i mention it. I'm literally just straightforward.

    Yeah i suppose that's true. Thanks for the advice man. Now to make friends with some gays who don't me hehe. This is going to be a mission and a half but what must be done must be done
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Apr 26, 2015 10:07 AM GMT
    At first, I thought this was a fem guy problem until you wrote that's not the case. So you most likely come off as too engaging perhaps?

    You don't really go too much into what exactly the gay people are criticizing about you so it's hard to get an idea of what you're trying to say.
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    Apr 26, 2015 11:31 AM GMT
    Well the Universe hears what you are saying. The more you downgrade yourself, the more you'll believe it, and so will others.

    Think Positive
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 26, 2015 5:10 PM GMT
    Can't really get critical opinions from them even if I ask directly (which I usually do) because they just do not talk to me. Literally they just walk past me like thy don't know me and I'm faaaaar too proud to even acknowledge their existence in return.

    So yeah other than abrasiveness I don't get it. I get how people can dislike it, but that's not the only thing I am. Every single human being has flaws and somehow everyone finds someone who will look past theirs and I can't. I try to be positive about it and stuff but it realy depresses me when I see friends in love or watching them make ot or hook up with people in clubs or their bf/gf and I'm just standing there so eventually I just leave 'til they're done. It may seem rude but I get so angry and upset (not at them) that I just want to break down int ears. But I can't cry (I've tried making myself cry. nothing makes me cry. I only cry when animals die)
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Apr 26, 2015 7:44 PM GMT
    Hm okay. Are you sure it's every gay person? You haven't met one gay guy who was open to talking to you?

    But I understand how you feel. I feel the same way when I see Gay couples out and about or regular straight couples. You think to yourself "Well f**k, when is it going to be my turn??" lol

    But anyway, about the abrasiveness. If you are the kind of person who shoves down his opinion on others or a little too brutally honest, that may need some tweaking because really, unless the guy is the same way, it can drive them away.
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    Apr 26, 2015 7:52 PM GMT
    Well.. maybe you're suffering from RBF. Resting BITCH Face disorder.

    10683825_1620280691520112_538477403_n.jp
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Apr 26, 2015 8:06 PM GMT
    JudasOfCrossfit saidWell.. maybe you're suffering from RBF. Resting BITCH Face disorder.

    10683825_1620280691520112_538477403_n.jp


    I think I suffer from that slightly. I think I look happy but when I take some photos of my "normal" state, I look kind of pissed but I swear I'm not lol.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 27, 2015 6:01 AM GMT
    omg resting bitch face is an issue. I look like my mom and she has the same problem. She looks like she's about to annihilate somebody but she's actually really friendly. People literally walk out of the way for me in large crowds and are afraid to approach me because they're scared I'll bite their heads off. Well sometimes it's true but for the most part nah.

    Opinions . . . yeah. I was talking this hot guy the other day and we talked about music. He was like "I love Kesha she is so talented and her voice is phenomenal" and I was like "I wouldn't really know because all the song I've heard that she starred in her voice was so heavily mechanically altered it didn't sound like a human being. I listen to metal because the artists can't fake having talent like Kesha or Fergie." which is just my honest opinion but later on I really though about what I said and how i said it (i have an aggressive tone of voice, but it's actually just my natural tone of voice. I didn't realise this 'til heard a voice recording of myself. Tragic. It's the reason for so many arguments I get into) and it may have come off as being a total bitch but I meant nothing by it besides that i just disagree. It's a real issue though.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Apr 27, 2015 7:34 AM GMT
    Hate to say it, but you sound like a friend I have. He likes to think of himself speaking his mind but in reality he is pissing off people and then has no clue why he cant get a date. And trust me, looks body wise, he should have no problem.

    The thing is there is a time a place for everything and giving you negative opinion when not asked for was the wrong move. The guy you were talking to was trying to make a connection with you through his love of music. He was opening up his feeling about what he loves. What you replied with was a critique of what he loved. HE DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT. Now no one is saying you have to lie, but you could have saved that critique for the day he asks what do you really thing about that music.

    What you could have done is said "I know what you mean, but for me its metal, it just seems so honest."

    Trust me, not everyone wants to hear your unwanted opinion just because you have one. First of all, its not polite in the company of strangers. (unless you are from New Jersey) But more importantly, just because you have one dose not make it right or accurate. Opinions are like a$$-holes, everyone has one.
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    Apr 27, 2015 1:02 PM GMT
    JudasOfCrossfit saidWell.. maybe you're suffering from RBF. Resting BITCH Face disorder.

    10683825_1620280691520112_538477403_n.jp


    I actually suffer from that as well. Either I look depressed or ready to fight someone, though I intentionally assume the latter as a defense, but then I look more of a stereotype than I already am. icon_sad.gif
  • korok

    Posts: 2

    Apr 27, 2015 4:08 PM GMT
    I feel I have a similar problem. Gay men seem to see me in two ways... 1) as a friend or 2) someone to suck their dick (sorry for the bluntness). I'd like to date. I'd like more than just either or, but the gay community doesn't seem to have much time for me.

    I'm a person, neither overly effeminite nor hyper-masculine. Many people have expressed genuine surprise that I was gay when they found out, and I assumed they already knew. I am shy, so I can be reserved, but in one-on-one situations, I do try to be outgoing. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I've never been able to figure it out.

    In high school, I didn't fit in, and I eventually stopped trying. Better to just be me. Then, when I found the gay community as an adult, it was like being in high school again. There doesn't seem to be a place for me, and I've stopped trying. As RuPaul says, "What other people think of me ain't none of my business."

    Just be you. And be comfortable being with yourself. Eventually, the right people will come into your life.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 27, 2015 5:03 PM GMT
    I feel you Korok

    I was the only out gay guy n high school. I knew 0 gay guys (but tons of out lesbians both in school and out. It frustrated me no end). As a result people treated me like a specimen constantly asking me questions and spreading rumours so eventually I just gave them what they wanted. So if someone asked me "why are you gay though? It's so like weird" and I was like "because dick is so tasty" despite never having sucked anyone before. They thought that I would cringe away from their constant picking but instead I did develope an abrasive manner just to be left alone. It was quite difficult. I went from being the type of person who would take the long way round if I didn't really feel like seeing people to confronting like 3 different just on my way to class because they wouldn't leave me alone, within the course of 6 months. Those six months were hell. Changing my personality was so utterly draining I didn't have the energy to sit upright (I literally fell asleep while sitting up in class)

    Now that I'm in cape town and being told to revert back to how I was at 14 (polite, conscientious, helpful, a lot quieter) I can't do it. I can't change again. The whole process was so painful. I was a student who got 88 percent averages to barely holding a 60 percent due to depression and exhaustion. It felt like a slow death. I literally dread the notion of changing again. The last time was so horrible. I thought that when I came here I'd find someone to resonate with. But the gay community is literally exactly like the kids in high school I used to fight with every single day four 4 years (I came out openly when I was fifteen. Long time marinade in bitterness and anger).

    I understand why people would be offended by the things I say but it's difficult to rinse four years of misery away. It's not as easy as what people make it out to be.

    It would help if someone would take the time to talk to me and I could associate with, but the more I get rejected, the more bitter I get and the more bitter I get the harsher I become with people. I just wish I could tell someone this in person without it sounding whiny or making it sound like I'm begging for their company (which I would be. They just should preferably not know it)

    The resting bitch face did help to scare people away really quickly so I kind of kept it like that and cultivated it into a horrible gorgon's gaze that became my default facial expression and now I'm stuck with it :/
  • korok

    Posts: 2

    Apr 27, 2015 9:26 PM GMT
    High school was hell. I was out when it really wasn't cool to be out in high school. I ended up having a nervous breakdown from the torment I was on the receiving end of. And it does change you.

    Of course, life changes us. Good or bad. I say just be you, and continue on your path of growth and change. Those who truly love and care about you will join you and allow you to join them.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Apr 27, 2015 11:32 PM GMT
    What Kjonyou said sounds right to me. Keep negative opinions to yourself. If people say you sound "abrasive", then that is what they hear. Change the way you interact with folks.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Apr 28, 2015 3:34 AM GMT
    giodude saidomg resting bitch face is an issue. I look like my mom and she has the same problem. She looks like she's about to annihilate somebody but she's actually really friendly. People literally walk out of the way for me in large crowds and are afraid to approach me because they're scared I'll bite their heads off. Well sometimes it's true but for the most part nah.

    Opinions . . . yeah. I was talking this hot guy the other day and we talked about music. He was like "I love Kesha she is so talented and her voice is phenomenal" and I was like "I wouldn't really know because all the song I've heard that she starred in her voice was so heavily mechanically altered it didn't sound like a human being. I listen to metal because the artists can't fake having talent like Kesha or Fergie." which is just my honest opinion but later on I really though about what I said and how i said it (i have an aggressive tone of voice, but it's actually just my natural tone of voice. I didn't realise this 'til heard a voice recording of myself. Tragic. It's the reason for so many arguments I get into) and it may have come off as being a total bitch but I meant nothing by it besides that i just disagree. It's a real issue though.


    Ah okay yeah, being opinionated like that is just a recipe for disaster. Instead, you just have to keep them to yourself unless the person asks what you think. Only then when you get ot know a person on a more personal level, would it be appropriate to share your true opinions on certain things.

    but I can so agree with you on the music thing. I'm kind of the same way only instead of metal, it's just all sorts of rock music that aren't in the top 40s. So when people talk music with me and they are gushing about pop singers like Kesha or Katy Perry, I try to contain my real opinion on those singers and just share what I like without discounting their opinion.

    Like for example...

    Stranger: "I really love Kesha, her music is just amazing and speaks a good message."

    Me: "oh that's cool, I'm personally more into bands like Nirvana. I find their music pretty deep and addicting."

    And well, that seems to work for me. You get to share each others opinions without talking them down.
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    Apr 28, 2015 4:04 AM GMT
    BloodFlame said
    giodude saidomg resting bitch face is an issue. I look like my mom and she has the same problem. She looks like she's about to annihilate somebody but she's actually really friendly. People literally walk out of the way for me in large crowds and are afraid to approach me because they're scared I'll bite their heads off. Well sometimes it's true but for the most part nah.

    Opinions . . . yeah. I was talking this hot guy the other day and we talked about music. He was like "I love Kesha she is so talented and her voice is phenomenal" and I was like "I wouldn't really know because all the song I've heard that she starred in her voice was so heavily mechanically altered it didn't sound like a human being. I listen to metal because the artists can't fake having talent like Kesha or Fergie." which is just my honest opinion but later on I really though about what I said and how i said it (i have an aggressive tone of voice, but it's actually just my natural tone of voice. I didn't realise this 'til heard a voice recording of myself. Tragic. It's the reason for so many arguments I get into) and it may have come off as being a total bitch but I meant nothing by it besides that i just disagree. It's a real issue though.


    Ah okay yeah, being opinionated like that is just a recipe for disaster. Instead, you just have to keep them to yourself unless the person asks what you think. Only then when you get ot know a person on a more personal level, would it be appropriate to share your true opinions on certain things.

    but I can so agree with you on the music thing. I'm kind of the same way only instead of metal, it's just all sorts of rock music that aren't in the top 40s. So when people talk music with me and they are gushing about pop singers like Kesha or Katy Perry, I try to contain my real opinion on those singers and just share what I like without discounting their opinion.

    Like for example...

    Stranger: "I really love Kesha, her music is just amazing and speaks a good message."

    Me: "oh that's cool, I'm personally more into bands like Nirvana. I find their music pretty deep and addicting."

    And well, that seems to work for me. You get to share each others opinions without talking them down.


    Plus you sound less like a douche.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Apr 28, 2015 6:04 AM GMT
    "I knew 0 gay guys (but tons of out lesbians both in school and out."

    That's the problem right thereicon_wink.gif Lesbians are known for being very crass sometimes. Like rude dudes.

    I kid, I kid, but there is some truth to it. Straight women and gay men usually seem to be the gatekeepers of manners so when you walk in the room like a bull in a china shop its get out of the way time not "he's hot" time.

    I know plenty of gay men that say exactly whats on their mind, the key is to be clever funny about it.

  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 30, 2015 9:10 AM GMT
    "The gatekeepers of manners" ehehehe

    I've read too many fantasy books and played too many RPG games for that comment not to conjure up an image of a gay man and a straight woman with magic scepter and enchanted sword, valiantly guarding some beautiful pearly gate, announcing to the throngs of menacing straight men and lesbians "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
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    Apr 30, 2015 2:07 PM GMT
    giodude said"The gatekeepers of manners"...

    these men are doing you a favor by telling you they behave badly and will choose to do this for some time to come.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 30, 2015 6:08 PM GMT
    @the guy above me

    I don't get what you're saying at all. Could you try to retype your statement in a more coherent fashion? If so that would be just dandy icon_smile.gif