Best friend ruined my chance with a guy.

  • williamgeo

    Posts: 19

    Apr 25, 2015 10:07 PM GMT
    I need another perspective on this situation.

    I told a close friend (who is also gay) about a guy I'd met at a BBQ and that I fancied him, but wasn't sure if he felt the same about me. My friend encouraged me to invite him out on my birthday to see if anything might happen, and made a joke about 'stealing him' from me because he's really cute. My friend had a boyfriend so I never considered he actually would.

    The guy did come out on my birthday, but shortly after he arrived my friend approached him and they barely left each other's side all night - I hardly even got a chance to talk to him. I felt pretty embarrassed, and from then on my friend frequently brought him up in conversation as his own potential romantic interest; 'it was nice to meet someone and like them. It showed me that if I break up with my boyfriend then I can like other people' - comments like that.

    I wasn't happy about what happened but it didn't seem like anything was going to happen between them and I decided not to make drama out of it.

    Last weekend me and the friend arranged a night out, but without telling me, he invited the guy out. He turned up at the bar, and initially I thought my friend had invited him to maybe make up for what happened on my birthday. After a few drinks it became apparent that he wanted to hook up with him, which he did in front of me, and then went back to his house - despite having a boyfriend.

    I text him a couple of days after saying that I was trying to be ok with what happened, but I needed to hear his side of the story. He told me that it was 'unfortunate' that I was upset and that 'if I really thought about it' i had no reason to be. He has since stopped talking to me.

    Side note: his mum committed suicide a few months ago.

    Am I being selfish and jealous or was that a really shady thing for a friend to do? It feels like a trivial issue to raise with someone who is grieving their mum's death, but I also don't see personal tragedy as an excuse to do bad things - I have had sorrows and losses of my own. If I am in the wrong I will always hold up my hands and admit it. What do you guys think?
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    Apr 25, 2015 10:10 PM GMT
    His mom probably committed suicide after realizing her son is a piece of shit.

    So you actually went out with this asshole after he pulled this stunt the first time? Do you just enjoy being a doormat or what? Not sure which makes me more angry.....that he did this to you or that you put up with it.
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    Apr 25, 2015 10:11 PM GMT
    Friends like that need to have the word ex attached to the beginning of their title.


    That's all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 25, 2015 10:26 PM GMT
    Are you freaking kidding me?
    This "friend" is a total dirtbag.
    Lose him. For your own sake. He is a tornado of bad behavior that will wreck everyone for miles around him. So get the hell out of his way.
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    Apr 25, 2015 10:51 PM GMT
    Sounds like your "friend's" suggestion that you invite the guy to your birthday party was a ploy to allow your friend to check him out for himself. Since I assume your friend knew he'd be attending the party himself.

    What a selfish, greedy dirtbag. And to hurt YOU, one of his good friends.

    Moral: keep your finds to yourself, until you've already established yourself in a relationship with him. Doesn't mean other guys still won't try to poach him from you, I've seen it happen many times, nearly happened to me. But your so-called friend rates at the very bottom of the barrel among poachers.
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    Apr 25, 2015 11:54 PM GMT
    That was a total "Bitch" move on your friend's part.
    I've seen it all before... Very passive/aggressive movement by your pal. He just wanted to show you that he has the looks and charm to get any guy away from you. Usually once they get them, they release them, but not until they see you shed a tear.

    Girl/BFF's have been doing that move for decades. If I were you, I'd find less and less time for friends like that.

    Just sayin'
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    Apr 26, 2015 12:37 AM GMT
    williamgeo said... Side note: his mum committed suicide a few months ago.

    ...It feels like a trivial issue to raise with someone who is grieving their mum's death, but I also don't see personal tragedy as an excuse to do bad things - I have had sorrows and losses of my own...


    Great tragedy can fuck people up and sometimes they might do what they ordinarily might not do, but my experience is they tend to go with what comes more naturally. I had that when I was in mourning and some close friends fucked me over such that the flaws about them that they'd previously been able to fight against--to live properly--overwhelmed them in my time of need. It was as if my tragedy took their safety trigger off the gun and they open fired. I'll never let them near me again.

    It isn't as if I didn't know they had that in them all along, I just hadn't realized they'd ever stoop to those depths of disgust. So that can happen simply if either party of a relationship has experienced trauma. It opens a crack in the relationship and anything can fall through or pop out.

    Now if it is your friend experiencing the trauma, then even if his actions are fucked up, and they most certainly are, then should you take action against him at this point, history (ie in this case your conscience) might judge you at fault if only because he can legitimately claim that he's not in his right mind at the moment, desperate for love life has robbed from him.

    Even though he might be, certainly is, absolutely in the wrong, I'd play this gently. Oh, I'd back away. I'd not give this a chance to happen again. But I wouldn't beat him over the head with it. This might speak against you to abandon his friendship now, while he's mourning. That's a pretty scumbag thing do to under most circumstances. I might stick around for a while, depending on our history together, lessening his relying on me until he's been properly weaned without being further traumatized by losing from his life yet another person he might love.

    If you've been friends for a while then you must have known this aspect of him, even if you were for whatever reason able to set it aside. Maybe you saw him do it to others, only not to you until now. Whatever. But that you stayed engaged during the good times makes you somewhat responsible during harder times, particularly when the harder times are not by his doing, ie the suicide. Life has just dropped him in shit so this might not be the best time to step on his head.
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    Apr 26, 2015 12:44 AM GMT
    He's not really a friend, "best" or otherwise.
    Let him go!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 26, 2015 3:26 AM GMT
    Something very similar happened to me in my younger day. It leaves you hurt and confused. You may not realize it now but in time you will realize he was never really your friend. Stuff like that can mess up your trust in others. Keep that in mind with the next guy and if you find yourself questioning yourself or him, know why you are feeling the way you are.

    And it might help to know that Karma, does eventually have its way of coming back on them. --Peace to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2015 3:42 AM GMT
    Your friend is a world class grade A douchebag. You can find better friends.

    If you see him again, I say you kick ass or be the bigger man and ignore him for his douchey antics.

    You should kick his ass icon_razz.gif
  • williamgeo

    Posts: 19

    Apr 26, 2015 11:25 AM GMT
    theantijock said
    williamgeo said... Side note: his mum committed suicide a few months ago.

    ...It feels like a trivial issue to raise with someone who is grieving their mum's death, but I also don't see personal tragedy as an excuse to do bad things - I have had sorrows and losses of my own...


    Great tragedy can fuck people up and sometimes they might do what they ordinarily might not do, but my experience is they tend to go with what comes more naturally. I had that when I was in mourning and some close friends fucked me over such that the flaws about them that they'd previously been able to fight against--to live properly--overwhelmed them in my time of need. It was as if my tragedy took their safety trigger off the gun and they open fired. I'll never let them near me again.

    It isn't as if I didn't know they had that in them all along, I just hadn't realized they'd ever stoop to those depths of disgust. So that can happen simply if either party of a relationship has experienced trauma. It opens a crack in the relationship and anything can fall through or pop out.

    Now if it is your friend experiencing the trauma, then even if his actions are fucked up, and they most certainly are, then should you take action against him at this point, history (ie in this case your conscience) might judge you at fault if only because he can legitimately claim that he's not in his right mind at the moment, desperate for love life has robbed from him.

    Even though he might be, certainly is, absolutely in the wrong, I'd play this gently. Oh, I'd back away. I'd not give this a chance to happen again. But I wouldn't beat him over the head with it. This might speak against you to abandon his friendship now, while he's mourning. That's a pretty scumbag thing do to under most circumstances. I might stick around for a while, depending on our history together, lessening his relying on me until he's been properly weaned without being further traumatized by losing from his life yet another person he might love.

    If you've been friends for a while then you must have known this aspect of him, even if you were for whatever reason able to set it aside. Maybe you saw him do it to others, only not to you until now. Whatever. But that you stayed engaged during the good times makes you somewhat responsible during harder times, particularly when the harder times are not by his doing, ie the suicide. Life has just dropped him in shit so this might not be the best time to step on his head.


    This an awesome answer, and so true - I was fully aware of this side to his personality...and may I also add that the initial event (on my birthday) was before his mum had died. I'm not interested in proving him wrong at this point. It just all feels quite sad and unnecessary.
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    Apr 26, 2015 11:46 AM GMT
    Lol this is a classic case of *Keep your friend close and your enemy closer**. He's not a true friend, true friend would never fuck and do shitty thing like that. Lose him bro if you haven't already done so. And just learn from this, next time, go after the guy you want and leave your *friends out of it.


  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Apr 26, 2015 11:57 AM GMT
    wow ...imagine being as good looking as you and worrying whether or not a guy will like you ..ditch the "friend"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2015 12:17 PM GMT
    It sounds like your friend is a very unhappy person. He's burning bridges and pushing away the people closest to him. There's not much you can do if he's stopped talking to you. Hopefully he will realize why he is alienating his friends and boyfriend and in the future you can talk about it more. Are you friends with his boyfriend? I wouldn't tell the boyfriend, but maybe you can talk to him about your friend...I imagine he's been doing the same things to him, especially if he's contemplating breaking up with him.

    Your friend could also be jealous of you for some reason, or might be angry with you for something. It could be he's not able to deal with his feelings very well and lashes out instead of talking about it. Has he hurt you before?
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    Apr 26, 2015 1:46 PM GMT


    "I text him a couple of days after saying that I was trying to be ok with what happened, but I needed to hear his side of the story. He told me that it was 'unfortunate' that I was upset and that 'if I really thought about it' i had no reason to be. He has since stopped talking to me. "

    What your friend did to his lover (going home with your love-interest) is awful, and what he did to you awful as well. That's no friend, sir.

    What your love-interest did (flirting with your friend, and in the end going home with him) is awful. I'd say you dodged a bullet there. Walk away from both of them. There are way better men out there with a little class.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Apr 26, 2015 2:38 PM GMT
    bri_66 saidHe's not really a friend, "best" or otherwise.
    Let him go!




    Agree.

    Drop this "friend" and move on.
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    Apr 26, 2015 2:50 PM GMT
    Have you even hooked up with your friend and left him for someone else ?
    Have you ever hooked up with someone he was interested in ?

    If you answer "no" to those 2 questions , then he is a mean galah to ruin a great friendship , if you answer "yes" to one or both of those questions , he is taking his revenge on you icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 26, 2015 2:53 PM GMT
    It's called "integrity," and your professed "friend" appears not to have any. You're better off without him and the other guy. Best wishes.
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    Apr 26, 2015 4:13 PM GMT
    Op needs to team up with your douche lord friend's boyfriend to plan a vendetta on this shitty friend of yours. Burn his car down, cut his clothes to pieces, time to go crazy Taylor Swift style.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2015 10:24 PM GMT
    That is a tough call. Your friend is probably hurting and his emotions might be getting the better of him. A tragic death, especially in this case since it was the guys mother, could send anyone off into the deep end. However, as you stated, he has done a disservice to you and his own boyfriend. And he has to understand that he crossed one of your personal boundaries.

    So, What I would do is keep things very light with that friend. And I mean VERY light. By "light" I mean just a "Hi" and "goodbye" and maybe the occasional text to see how hes doing. Keep everything short and sweet. Over time your friend might wise up to the wrong hes done and possibly apologize. If not, then at the very least you can say that you were there for him during his emotional period. Then you could drop him like a hot sack of potatoes and move on.

    Lots of different opinions on here. I would say choose whichever reflects your own personality.


    P.S
    As for the guy that you liked and is now dating your "friend"...I would drop him too. You have to question what kind of guy would fool around with another guy who has a boyfriend.

  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 26, 2015 10:34 PM GMT
    Your "friend" is a f-ing loser. Verify that his current b/f knows that he hooked up with the 'new' guy, and tell him to shove it.

    And that part about the mom committing suicide is a red herring. My father died 6 years ago, and I didn't act like a little sh*t head. In fact, if anything, it made me a kinder person to my friends during that time frame. Experiencing grief and loss, which we all inevitably do, is no excuse to act like a sh*t head to friends.

    He's trash. Throw him to the curb. He hasn't done anything THAT bad yet, but if those are his true colors, he's the kind of 'friend' who wouldn't risk his arm to pull you out of the way of an oncoming car as you step off the curb. Don't roll with witches, you're setting yourself up for failure and future heartache if you do.

    Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice...
  • smegnificient

    Posts: 269

    Apr 26, 2015 10:35 PM GMT
    I can't even imagine accidentally befriending someone who would pull something like that.
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    Apr 27, 2015 3:46 PM GMT
    williamgeo saidThis an awesome answer, and so true - I was fully aware of this side to his personality...and may I also add that the initial event (on my birthday) was before his mum had died. I'm not interested in proving him wrong at this point. It just all feels quite sad and unnecessary.


    Thank you. I figured by what you'd written that you'd relate. Glad you got it. Good to have clarified though not sure how applicable is the timing of the suicide, particularly if it was so near, as there'd have been forces leading up to it which would have played upon him whether or not consciously acknowledged at the time.

    Definitely sad--life has its tragedies--though apparently it was necessary, haha, at least in hindsight, in that who's to say what episodes bring growth or reinforcement of a correct direction or stagnation that can occur or even setback or challenge: maybe this will give him pause to reflect upon his actions; maybe it will strengthen or weaken you.

    Even people suffering various degrees of personality disorder which might cause them to act particularly (someone lacking empathy, for instance, and how they act upon that based upon other aspects of personality) -- and this guy certainly seems to have his dance card filled with difficulties -- can still learn to live good lives. What is our responsibility to that?

    I think that's determined variously, whether by someone born into your life as a child or parent or extended relation, someone married into your life, a stranger on the internet or street or someone we've entangled ourselves with to whatever degree either by our outwitted unknowing or other more enticing aspects of a person be it his sexuality, charm, intelligence, humor, whatever.

    And then, for me, at least, depending on the closeness of the relation, on how much effort I've already extended, on whatever I might have received which was not grief, on how much time was invested, etc., all that figures into the equation.

    The person in my life who screwed me the most, who I grew up with since we were toddlers together, I'd put many years into trying to correct the destructive course she'd chosen until she finally did the most horrible thing I couldn't even have imagined. And then another person who screwed me after 20 years of friendship, I put only about 2 years into trying to fix that before she also went over the edge of any semblance of decency. Someone on the internet tries to fuck me? Forget it. My only obligation is to flip them the bird, turn and type away.
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    Apr 27, 2015 9:14 PM GMT
    you need better friends.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Apr 27, 2015 10:31 PM GMT
    He is not a "friend." Do you realize that yet?