Do you think you could feel suicidal over appearances?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2015 12:20 AM GMT
    As in anything you don't like, such as how you look facially, or your body, or even things like penis size or an accident that damaged you.

    I saw a talk show clip online where a girl lost the lower part of her arm after a car crash accident, and her family mentioned she tried to kill herself and were angry with her. And the comments online were really condemning to the girl as well. But I'm betting all the people criticizing probably have both arms, so how can they relate. She said she thought it was ugly and couldn't get used to having only one arm. Do you really think it's fair to judge that though? It just made me think about how much I would hate to live with that. My own cousin lost only the tip of his finger in an accident and it really bothered him. Just hearing about it made me feel sick.
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    Apr 27, 2015 12:31 AM GMT
    Hmm. My dad lost the tip of his index finger years before I was born while working in a bakery (don't ask). I didn't even notice until I was in my late teens! People often stress out over things that really aren't worth it. It's understandable to grieve over a damaged appearance but happiness will elude you until you either change what can be changed or accept what can't.

    I grew up short and deathly skinny. Eventually I realized that it was pointless beating myself up about being short but I could at least attempt to build some muscle. I wish I realized that when I was in my teens.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 27, 2015 12:38 AM GMT
    I would hope that I'd never feel suicidal over superficial trivialities such as wrinkles or general appearance.

    Now, I bracket accidents and dismembering into a different category. I think I could cope, and hope I would, but I won't stand in judgment of someone who is maimed. People with physical disabilities can have 100% full lives, it's just with a little accommodation and fortitude. My friend lost her lower (I think it was left?) left leg due to a tumor she'd had since birth of her toe. She knew it was coming years and then months in advance. I remember that summer we were both home from college and went to an amusement park together. She did kind of a bucket list that summer before the operation.

    She's married and happy now. Yes, it was a huge transition for a year or so, and she had to learn to accept her new reality, but she did and is perfectly fulfilled now--more so than many 4 limbed people.

    I don't mean to trivialize the loss of a body part or physical disfigurement, but to an extent it really is a state of mind.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 27, 2015 1:06 AM GMT
    ^^For the record, I have had sex (hookup) with a guy whose legs were paralyzed (I think he said it was a skiing accident).

    While I see your larger point, don't overstate it. Some of us aren't as shallow as you might imagine. I admit it'd be an uphill battle, but I wouldn't exile myself to the island of celibacy. Not everyone is a complete prick.
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Apr 27, 2015 4:40 AM GMT
    no....you can always go to gym ..go on diet ...learn how to dress properly
    Oscar Wilde said " one should either be a work of art , or wear a work of art "

    even if you have lost a limb

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  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 27, 2015 4:47 AM GMT
    Oscar Pistorius got a hot chick...he murdered her...but for purposes of this thread the point is that he got her. And he indisputably did (despite the fact that he's a murderer).

    Anyone who says that non-4 limb people or "disfigured" people can't have a perfectly normal life (with accommodation) is simply ignorant (I don't mean stupid, just ignorant). The proof is in the pudding. And she wasn't a mercy fu*k, she was an intelligent, lawyer, model. She could have had her pick of men, but she chose a guy with only 2 full limbs.

    Again, people aren't as shallow as might be imagined. There's a lot that goes into attraction. Being "not perfect" does not mean you'll be alone. Whether your issue is Lou Gehrigs disease, HIV, dismemberment, or less than perfect looks, there's always a meaningful dating pool. Don't believe the tabloids, and conventional wisdom is just that, "conventional."

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  • venue35

    Posts: 4644

    Apr 27, 2015 10:47 AM GMT
    I have had sex with an amputee. 7 years ago this happened but I had sex with him before his motorcycle accident.
    I'm kind of kinky anyway..I was like ok he was hot before this and he's hot now minus the leg! Big deal!! Lol
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 28, 2015 3:43 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Svnw688 said

    Anyone who says that non-4 limb people or "disfigured" people can't have a perfectly normal life (with accommodation) is simply ignorant (I don't mean stupid, just ignorant).


    Okay, no one in this thread made an all inclusive blanket statement like you're inferring here. But this was what was said by me:

    "...dating life will more than likely be over. It really sucks dirty ass but that is the ugly reality for a lot of people affected in this way."

    You're also not taking into account that being born with missing limbs as opposed to losing them in an accident during adulthood are two completely different things. Your example of Oscar is someone who had his lower limbs surgically removed at only eleven months old. You can't compare this scenario to a person who loses his limbs during what many consider to be the prime of one's life. People who experience this type of loss, through a horrific/tragic accident or disease, can take years if not decades to recover.

    But let's get back to your example of Oscar Pistorius. Personally I don't find that it holds any merit to support your stance.

    Granted, you're able to provide us with one example of an amputee who ha(d) an trophy 'wife to be' girlfriend. You want to point out that she didn't view Oscar as a mercy fuck and that she was intelligent and a model (yet why you mentioned that she was a lawyer is beyond me and seems to have no relevance). But let's all sweep this one important fact under the rug; that Oscar's net worth is five million. icon_rolleyes.gif

    Yeeep! The proof is in the pudding alright. I'm sure if Oscar was some average Joe Schmoe with a blue collar job that the illustrious yet late Reeva would be able to see past that in addition to his lack of lower limbs. Because as well all know, millions of dollars and celebrity status for being a (paralympic) athlete aren't important to high-end, gorgeous models. It's all about inner substance and "inner" beauty. icon_rolleyes.gif

    You claim people aren't shallow and that there is no need to be perfect yet you provide us with an example of a guy who looks like a GQ model in a tux who has a bank account that many of us will never see. I guarantee you, if Oscar didn't have his good looks or his money he wouldn't be hobnobbing and canoodling with elite gorgeous models on his arm.


    I suspect that you're projecting your HIV+ status as equivalent to an amputee and fighting me. That's fine, I get it. But I stand by what I said, and I don't think your analysis is anything other than your mental gymnastics of being SELF exiled. Your dating life is NOT over, just like an amputees is NOT over, and to say otherwise goes against good friends I know who are married and happy. Despite perceived or actual "defects."

    And for the record, I know two sero-discordant couples that are married and happy.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 28, 2015 4:40 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI think I honestly feel the way I do from my exposure to the gay community. I once had a friend who threatened suicide to his parents unless they paid for his liposuction and skin reduction surgery around his midsection. After years of overeating he finally lost the weight but was left with a saggy midsection. The parents did pay for his skin reduction therapy. Manipulation tactics successful.

    The type of superficial complaints I see here over the most trivial matters and they all revolve around physical appearance and feeling inferior because they're not perfect from head to toe. I can't imagine if these guys are so down about their paltry concerns that they would be able to face life if they lost a limb in a horrible accident. The idea of disfigurement, to me, sounds like it would put these guys over the edge.


    Well I apologize if my speech caught you or anyone off guard. In fact, I'd rather have sex with you than with many of these "clean" guys who, in fact, don't know their status and could be virulent spreaders of HIV because they're in denial and "ride" off their 3 year old negative test. I don't want HIV, but I am NOT "poz-phobic" or whatever anyone would like to call it.

    First, HIV in modern countries is more like a chronic illness that, if managed properly, is more of an inconvenience than an impediment. Thank God, that wasn't always the case. Second, I see no difference between me and positive guys except the year in which we were born. If I were a child of the 70s or 80s or 90s (I only became sexually active circa 2000) then I'm almost certain I'd be positive. That's because after all of that struggle went on before my time, and I, undeservedly, benefited from that. I heard all the "safe sex" campaigns, which is why I ALWAYS insisted on a condom. But I fully realize if that struggle/issue hadn't been fought and litigated (primarily in the court of public opinion) for years then I would have been a man who probably engaged in condom-less sex. Third, some of my best friends are poz, and I find them to be some of the most mature, fun, and vibrant friends that I am privileged to call friends.

    To the larger issue of this thread, I do feel like the idea of "I'm Poz, I'm kind of disfigured"--perhaps in a subconscious way--was where you were coming from. I could be WRONG. I don't know. But that's what I sensed. Whatever the actual situation, I do believe that being physically disfigured in terms of an amputation--and to a much lesser extent being poz--is a REAL issue but one that can be overcome. And I very much do agree with you that it makes a person less "desirable." Mind you, that's not my editolization, but societies. I mean to say a descriptive realism that being "damaged" goods (whether you have wrinkles, or age, or HIV, or a lost limb, or you're ugly, or [insert parade of societal horribles]" does necessarily limit your dating/LTR pool, but it's not the end of the world. It's just now. I've seen too many "outsiders" find love and happiness for me to believe that nonsense.

    Insofar that you shared your friends struggle with weight--largely imposed by his/her parents--I am sympathetic. I'm sorry that he/she didn't have a 'safe place' to go emotionally to his/her parents, but I do hope he/she now is happy.

    The world can be a cruel place. We should always be pushing towards goodness and acceptance.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 28, 2015 4:55 AM GMT
    pazzy said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI think I honestly feel the way I do from my exposure to the gay community. I once had a friend who threatened suicide to his parents unless they paid for his liposuction and skin reduction surgery around his midsection. After years of overeating he finally lost the weight but was left with a saggy midsection. The parents did pay for his skin reduction therapy. Manipulation tactics successful.

    The type of superficial complaints I see here over the most trivial matters and they all revolve around physical appearance and feeling inferior because they're not perfect from head to toe. I can't imagine if these guys are so down about their paltry concerns that they would be able to face life if they lost a limb in a horrible accident. The idea of disfigurement, to me, sounds like it would put these guys over the edge.


    why even bother to say that shit when you basically support the bs superficiality culture among gay men judging by your pics on here anyways? damn near all your pics are of you either completely naked or half naked. icon_lol.gif don't tell me that you have those pics up to basically be "artistic". you're just a part of the problem acting like you're not as you yourself benefit from the same superficiality, lookism culture. probably go around gay pride parades without a shirt on and in underwear like the rest of these guys trying to make the gay pride parade a damn sex show.


    I would only say a word of caution. The old adage: "DON'T HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAME," might have some credence. Without weighing in on your analysis of MuchMoreMuscle, I would say that turning the convo around onto him is short-sighted. A person can be "compromised" (and I'm not saying he is) can still speak the truth.

    Look at MLK Junior, he, literally, shaved in a side part into his African hair. That was not a natural part, but one in which he shaved in to "conform" to the society he was in. He'd never do that now, but he did back in the 60s. That he was "tainted" by his society, says nothing against his overarching message. Want proof now? Look at Al Sharpton, who's had a press and curl or a perm for the past two decades. That does nothing, though, to disparage his message. Much like his known tax problems. Permed hair and tax problems all day, he speaks the truth to certain matters and nothing can take away from that.

    So maybe back off the "messenger." I know I'm guilty of it too, but we need to remind each other to focus on that person's message, not their looks, pics, or what-have-us.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 28, 2015 5:14 AM GMT
    @Pazzy

    I'm not certain about the overall tone or message of the thread.

    I would say that, yes, fat-shaming is a HUGE issue in the gay community. As is age-ism. However, I'm not exactly certain how that relates to this thread.

    I see what you're saying, that MMM is (allegedly) against one form of discrimination (amputees) but, (allegedly) hypocritically okay with other discrimination (say, against 'skinny' guys). But I'm just not following the argument. And I don't think MMM is saying or implying that.

    That MMM is hot and has pics posted, is really irrelevant in my opinion. He's ripped, built and sexy. Got it. But I don't see how that relates to his larger point. Which I very well could be misquoting, but I think was something like 'it's fucked up to lose a limb or be disfigured, more so than you're (i.e., me) saying'.

    While I think it's not as bad as he's saying, and he thinks it's worse than I'm claiming, I just don't see how his person pics or profile has anything to do with the discussion. Just like I don't think your pics and profile have anything to do with the discussion.

    We're talking about LGBTs and their shallowness, or lack thereof. I think we'll ALL admit gays are shallow. All I meant to say was that I think there can be a healthy subculture (for lack of a better term) of otherwise "defective" gays. I'm confident of this because I've seen it firsthand, but that's a different line of argument.
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    Apr 28, 2015 5:17 AM GMT
    Some old hag told me my facial hair looked queer!

    At least she figured it out.

    I got what they want and I know it.

    They are the depressed, jealous, envious trolls who want to bring you down and cause you to feel depressed.
    I say, stand tall and counteract the negative Nancy syndrome. Be happy and Grateful for what you do have and make the best of it!!
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Apr 28, 2015 10:03 PM GMT
    @MuchMoreThanMuscle

    Wow, you had lymphoma?! I'm sorry to hear, but so happy you persevered. I had a high school friend that came down with lymphoma while at college, and it took a huge toll on him mentally and physically. Conversely, I had a friend who came down with lung cancer while we were all in high school, but it barely took a toll on him. I've heard lymphoma can be particularly nasty.

    Now that's a trial by fire.

    Congrats man.
  • venue35

    Posts: 4644

    Apr 29, 2015 12:21 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    venue35 saidI have had sex with an amputee. 7 years ago this happened but I had sex with him before his motorcycle accident.
    I'm kind of kinky anyway..I was like ok he was hot before this and he's hot now minus the leg! Big deal!! Lol


    Some people actually fetishize amputees and are actually turned on by it. I'm not saying that this is your case but I thought it was worth mentioning.
    no. a missing arm or leg doesn't turn me on. But I'm not screwing his leg am I?? I think I really lifted his spirits up that night actually..
    I remember being surprised that I went through with it. He was wearing a prosthetic leg but it was really dark so I didn't get creeped out by anything..
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    Apr 29, 2015 2:08 AM GMT
    Svnw688 said
    I don't mean to trivialize the loss of a body part or physical disfigurement, but to an extent it really is a state of mind.

    And the acceptance of those around you. I'm reminded of the hideously deformed character "Quasimodo" (Charles Laughton), who at the close of the brilliant 1939 film The Hunchback of Notre Dame is alone in the cathedral bell tower, unable to have the acceptance, love & happiness that others have, and says to a carved gargoyle:

    "Why was I not made of stone, like thee?"

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  • venue35

    Posts: 4644

    Apr 29, 2015 12:12 PM GMT
    Why do you keep calling him a midget???
    his profile says he's 6 feet tall...
  • mstone18

    Posts: 84

    Apr 29, 2015 11:37 PM GMT

    My Dad ran his right hand through a table saw when I was twelve. He healed but I could see it was really traumatic for him, he'd shield it or hide it as best he could when speaking to people.

    He was a carpenter by trade and I think he thought people would judge him first by the twisted index finger and ring finger and choose not to give him work. To some extent I think he was wise, because I think I witnessed that. when he got older it seemed a little worse and people seemed to notice it a lot more.

    He's gone now, finally resting in peace.

    But people do judge a person by what they see.

    I try to focus on what you can do and not think about the rest, but I don't think you should judge people harshly who have trouble coping. Its understandable.
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    May 01, 2015 12:31 AM GMT
    Yes I do believe some people have contemplated suicide because of their appearances.

    Sort of a Tangent here, but look at anorexics or bulimics. Those people are literally starving themselves to death. Granted its not a bullet to their own heads, but its def much more long and drawn out in the suffering dept. Its like a slow suicide. And they cant help it because their vision of what they perceive to be beautiful is skewed. In those peoples eyes, there is always something wrong with their bodies.

    Now drawing along similar lines of conclusion, might be someone who had an amputation done. They might see themselves as imperfect because of missing a limb/limbs. And for the most part its not something that one can easily hide.

    Couple that with possible alienation from peers (people can be cruel), possible feelings of being useless or being a burden to family/friends/ and or society, and you've got a recipe for ongoing depression. And if those negative feelings just keep piling up on another, then its no wonder that someone would want to commit suicide.

    Is suicide the answer? Hells to NO! But the people who even contemplate such things def need help.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2015 5:57 AM GMT
    Marmoy saidDo you think you could feel suicidal over appearances?
    If I looked as bad as you I could. icon_twisted.gif

    Just kidding, but my real answer is no. Sex is just a really fucking fun byproduct of life...not the meaning of it (unless it's for intentional reproduction). There are more things to do that are equally as fun, if not more fun.
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    May 03, 2015 10:05 PM GMT
    nahh when it comes to suicide i dont think it's fair to judge anyone. ive struggled with depression most my life and i've been suicidal in the past over stupid shit likejust being gay but i realized most of it was all in my head. problem is when you're suicidal youre not thinking rationally and lotta people dont show any signs of wanting to kill themselves. im fine with my appearance and i have all my limbs so i cant say how id feel if i lost an arm or leg but not gonna lie id probably fuckin cry. cant imagine losing my arms or legs but hopefully the shock would go away over time. knowing that there are people out there who lost a limb but are still happy and thriving would hopefully get me through it. that sorta helped me be ok with being gay, knowing that there just has to be gay guys out there who are happy with themselves and their lives