Should I let this friendship go?

  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Apr 27, 2015 7:07 AM GMT
    So, I have been friends with this guy for 20 years. His partner recently proposed to him and the posted it on face. So They got married in a fancy resort town/hotel with about 50 guests and a celebrity to read their vows. They said it was the best time they ever had. Only thing, I was not invited.

    I only found out when he posted tons of pictures on Facebook. So many I could not ignore. I scrolled way down on his page and there was a disclaimer, "if you were not invited its because the venue only seats 50 people." I knew about wedding before hand, even sent him a congratulations as soon as I found out.

    So am I being overly sensitive or should I reevaluate my friend ship? Let me just say, his is not some acquaintance or co-worker from the past. I considered us really good friends. Looking back I helped him a lot. From being the only one with him spreading the ashes of his first partner, to many parties, birthdays and even traveled together. Being there both physically and financially supporting his causes. Even more recently, the hotel I work at need some products and I was able to get him a $100,000 order from his company which he gets a commission off of.

    I never did any of that as tit for tat. I just did that because we were friends. But I feel now quite hurt that he had a wedding celebration, said it was family only but from the pics I can see more casual friends who I know who have not done any of these things for him. Including his gay neighbors who he secretly has the hots for.

    So am I just being a little bitch, or is he a tacky bride? LOL. Miss Manners says if you can't afford to invite all the people close to you that you consider friends and love ones, pair down the extravaganza and have a backyard wedding with punch and cake. Its not "her special day" it's supposed to be about gathering all those you care about to share in the celebration of your commitment.

    Really a neighbor over a friend you have known for 20 years? Is that OK now in the gay world? So obviously I am not that important right?



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2015 6:08 PM GMT
    i would give your self some time and let your feelings cool. I would always wish the couple the very best but... After the initial sting has gone down i would trust myself to contact them and talk to them on my feelings.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Apr 27, 2015 8:04 PM GMT
    I think it was shitty of him to not invite you. From what you wrote, it sounds like you were very close over the years and he invited some others that he must have considered more important in his life. It is totally reasonable to expect that he value you more than he apparently does. Try writing him a short note. If his answer isn't satisfactory, I'd write him off. But you never know what the circumstances were. Maybe the people there that weren't family invited him to their weddings. Not a good answer but maybe there's some explanation that at least makes sense, that you can accept, even if you're still hurt. I trust you and the new husband get along, that he doesn't consider you a threat. I hate to lose a friend but sometimes you do have to decide to cut one loose. I've done it. Don't know about gay weddings, but I've seen many a bride work hard to separate her new trophy from his old friends. Sometimes it's a weird possessive thing on the part of the partner.
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    Apr 27, 2015 8:14 PM GMT
    Well, since the limit was 50, and subtracting the grooms and celebrity, that means the OP was no better than 48 on the friendship list. Of course, maybe a lot of family relatives had to be accommodated. Still, it seems the OP was kinda far down whatever list it was.

    I would have to say the OP is not considered a close friend, no matter how many years they've known each other. That doesn't mean they can't remain friends of some sort, but perhaps the OP needs to reevaluate his view of the relationship.
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    Apr 27, 2015 8:29 PM GMT
    From what I've read, you've put yourself out for HIM and given HIM stuff and been there for HIM. What about the other way around?

    Let the "husband" be the one used now. Cut loose and don't look back.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Apr 28, 2015 5:32 AM GMT
    Well, I have known his other half for about 10 years so there is no issue there.

    But to answer your question, has he done those kind of things for me? Not really, nothing on that scale that I can think of. Maybe attend my birthday parties when I have them.

    When he got that job I sent his way, he had a small BBQ with some of his other friends, but he didn't take me out to dinner or anything. His other half told me near the end of the night that my friend got a job promotion because of the order he got from our hotel. But my friend never said, "hey this is a thank you".

    It's just I have been to so many straight wedding of people I hardly know and to be snubbed by what I thought was one of my closest friends kind of stings. Especially the "sorry if you were not invited" generic Facebook post.

  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Apr 28, 2015 6:42 PM GMT
    I am a no-nonsense guy. So, I may be biassed.

    I have met a few guys who started taking my friendship for granted. Mostly because I am pretty laid back, do not sweat small stuff, etc. Soon enough, I realized that I was being put on a back burner, while 'my friend' was working hard to gain other friendships.The friendships that usually did not give him anything in return.

    A smart dude would have found an elegant way out of his 50 folks only arrangement. I have had functions for the family only. I have had functions for the co-workers only. Everybody understands this concept. But I have always taken care of my significant friends, and made them feel special because they deserve this.

    Fairness is a very essential virtue.

    SC
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    Apr 28, 2015 9:21 PM GMT
    It sounds to me like you've done a variety of things that have been helpful to this guy. But I don't get the sense that there's a strong emotional connection between the two of you. There's nothing wrong with that, but you perhaps don't recognize what kind of "friendship" this is.

    I would guess that the people who were invited to his wedding are the ones he felt a stronger emotional connection with.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Apr 29, 2015 9:05 PM GMT
    Well I thought we were close. I dont have this situation with any other friends. In fact I have a friend that lives in another country, moves probably every 6 months but he always reaches out to say hi and we pick up right where we left off.

    I feel like my fried was just being shallow, wanted a fancy bridezilla wedding with pretty men. His neighbor and family who is very handsome was of course invited. And I know they are not that close. And the neighbor moved to another city about a year ago so you cant make the argument that I have to get along with my neighbors.

    Honestly I think he is clueless. If I were to talk to him about it he would just say oh sorry, then repeat the small venue excuse.

    So I just dont know if I want to hand out with clueless anymore. He is not an evil guy, but he has always been a little self involved. Every picture of him in the wedding is with the celebrity he paid to be there. Its like it was more about that then the wedding. I am sure when his birthday comes up and I reach out to ask how the wedding goes, he will say, the celebrity was at our wedding. And really, who cares?
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    Apr 30, 2015 1:05 AM GMT
    Another thought - you are single - they are married. He will naturally be spending a lot less time with his single friends now that he is married (because his life ought to be much more revolving around his partner.) So, let your relationship with him fade into only occasional contact with you. And you can now stop obsessing about the wedding invitations like the 13th fairy in the Grimm fairy tale.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 30, 2015 3:23 AM GMT
    Welcome to my world. It's called a plot break, proving my motto that "people suck".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 30, 2015 3:34 PM GMT
    "He is not an evil guy", but I'm sorry he's definitely a heartless guy.

    No need to analyze, just don't, nor should you waste more time on him.

    Jumpstart to the solution: Unfriend him GRACEFULLY. Let this friendship fade out by not contacting him any more(not even sporadically).Last but not least, get yourself someone decent.icon_wink.gif
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    May 01, 2015 3:15 AM GMT
    HikerSkier saidAnother thought - you are single - they are married. He will naturally be spending a lot less time with his single friends now that he is married (because his life ought to be much more revolving around his partner.) So, let your relationship with him fade into only occasional contact with you. And you can now stop obsessing about the wedding invitations like the 13th fairy in the Grimm fairy tale.


    It's not really about that. I really dont care about weddings, its about friendship.

    As far as couples go, I dont see what that has to do with anything. I know couples who have been together for 20 years and guys single for 20 and everything in between. I think it would be pretty shallow if you would suddenly define who your friends were by their coupe status. Besides, these guys didnt just meet, they have been together for years.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    May 01, 2015 3:17 AM GMT
    NY2015SS said"He is not an evil guy", but I'm sorry he's definitely a heartless guy.

    No need to analyze, just don't, nor should you waste more time on him.

    Jumpstart to the solution: Unfriend him GRACEFULLY. Let this friendship fade out by not contacting him any more(not even sporadically).Last but not least, get yourself someone decent.icon_wink.gif


    I thought of that, but then I look like the shallow friend who wont talk to them because I was not invited to a party. I am sure that is how they will rationalize it.
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    May 01, 2015 5:40 PM GMT
    kjonyou said
    NY2015SS said"He is not an evil guy", but I'm sorry he's definitely a heartless guy.

    No need to analyze, just don't, nor should you waste more time on him.

    Jumpstart to the solution: Unfriend him GRACEFULLY. Let this friendship fade out by not contacting him any more(not even sporadically).Last but not least, get yourself someone decent.icon_wink.gif


    I thought of that, but then I look like the shallow friend who wont talk to them because I was not invited to a party. I am sure that is how they will rationalize it.


    Only that placing how you want them to think over how you feel puts them in position to hurt you again. Being wounded deeply is not being shallow.

    The only part suspect is "get yourself someone decent" because you never know until you get betrayed. That's sort of built into the equation that even if there were hints, signals along the way, it can be that there aren't or that you won't see it or that you'll rationalize it away. (Repeat those last four words to yourself.) So even when not setting yourself up for a fall, every relationship comes with the potential of a trap door falling out from under you.

    Your friend fucked you. That's what tricks are for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2015 6:14 PM GMT
    prior to my marriage my wife and I had a lot of difficulty with the wedding list. I had a lot of friends and family; she didn't. She insisted on a small wedding with a 50:50 split on family/friends between us. In the end I dug in my heels and insisted on inviting all of my closest friends and family and we had a much bigger wedding. For the most part I won but the concession was I couldn't invite two female friends (platonic) who my wife was a bit jealous of. The bickering was "behind the scenes" so most people never knew but it was a hard fight.

    I think your friend didn't try hard enough to invite you. That, plus the fact he invited what you thought were more casual friends, tells me that he no longer considers you a close friend, just "a casual friend" who he has known for a long time.

    If I was you I would let the friendship cool down a lot. Not unfriend him; just quietly let it move to the acquaintance level. Spend your energy finding new friends who are more interested in you.

    PS don't undersell yourself in the looks department. You can hold your own with the other guys he invited, I'd bet.
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    May 01, 2015 6:51 PM GMT
    Who was the celebrity?
  • CX838

    Posts: 100

    May 02, 2015 7:45 AM GMT
    sometimes best friends hurt you most.
    My best friend asked me what is she get married. She didn't really tell me she is getting married. and it is because her man hate me
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 02, 2015 9:00 AM GMT
    kjonyou said
    NY2015SS said"He is not an evil guy", but I'm sorry he's definitely a heartless guy.

    No need to analyze, just don't, nor should you waste more time on him.

    Jumpstart to the solution: Unfriend him GRACEFULLY. Let this friendship fade out by not contacting him any more(not even sporadically).Last but not least, get yourself someone decent.icon_wink.gif


    I thought of that, but then I look like the shallow friend who wont talk to them because I was not invited to a party. I am sure that is how they will rationalize it.


    If I were you, I'd probably do this at least for a period of time just so that everything sort of settles and things aren't said or actions done rashly due to hurt feelings.

    I wouldn't worry about what they would rationalise it as.
    If they ask you, it could also be that you figured they might want a bit of privacy and space in this new chapter of their lives.
    If they care at least somewhat, they'd talk to you about it rather than just immediately jump to conclusions.

    The only difference for me I guess, and this just depends on the person, is that on their special day for whatever reason they should invite whoever they want to and be comfortable with that decision.
    It's their day after all and not that I'm saying you're being overly sensitive because I suppose in your shoes I'd think I would've been invited, but really it's their day and they should be happy with having whoever they wanted there.

    If it was really just about the celebrity and not really about closeness of friends and family, well then it's really their loss for wasting an important celebration with people who don't mean as much to them.

    Either way, in my eyes what he did would signify to me that he wanted to put some distance in the friendship in the first place and/or that this friendship doesn't mean as much to him as it did to you.

    Just as much as he might expect you to respect his decision of the non-invite, so should he on your decision on if you find that you no longer feel this friendship is a worthy investment of your time, and I'm not saying that as a vengeance thing but more as a fairness thing.

    Anyway regardless I wish you all the best in whatever comes out of this friendship.
    You can always decide to remain civil acquaintances, it doesn't have to be a complete cut off but that he just won't be someone you open up to any more.

    Side note, I don't know if the people he invited were all super good looking, but judging from your DP you don't come across as ugly on an aesthetic perspective.
    I mean you are wearing sunglasses but just generally speaking I don't think your face is ugly so I'm sure it wasn't a non-invite because of your looks.

    I mean if it was then definitely good riddance to this friendship.
    If that were the case then no justification needed, just cut them both off as soon as possible.

    Anyway wish you all the best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 02, 2015 9:51 AM GMT
    Hm this is like a sticky situation. Honestly, I feel like he doesn't consider you as a *friend. You said that you know him for about 20 years and been there so many times for him, you two are close or whatever but I think that You put it out there for him more than he does for you. From reading the post, I sense that your friend may just keep you as a *back-up guy or he's just using you. Sometimes people know exactly what they should do (ah hem, inviting someone to a wedding), you already mentioned it before hand, what was his excuse for not inviting you? only the 50 seats? lol bullshit. I have a feeling that you have high-expectations for this guy but he doesn't feel the same. I'd say that he's a toxic friend, knowing you for 20 years and not even inviting you to his wedding. Cut the bitch loose.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 02, 2015 3:05 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    kjonyou said
    NY2015SS said"He is not an evil guy", but I'm sorry he's definitely a heartless guy.

    No need to analyze, just don't, nor should you waste more time on him.

    Jumpstart to the solution: Unfriend him GRACEFULLY. Let this friendship fade out by not contacting him any more(not even sporadically).Last but not least, get yourself someone decent.icon_wink.gif


    I thought of that, but then I look like the shallow friend who wont talk to them because I was not invited to a party. I am sure that is how they will rationalize it.


    Shallow? I don't think so. It's not shallow to want to move on because someone you have been a (very) good friend to emotionally slapped you in the face.

    Perhaps allow yourself some time to digest the experience and lick your wounds. Then, either contact him to meet in person or send him a note expressing that your feelings were hurt. If I were in your shoes I would feel hurt as well.

    It sounds like you are a (big time) giver and this guy is a taker. Also, from what you described, this "friend" of yours that got married sounds very shallow. For him, it's all about presentation and having good looking people at the wedding along with plenty of pics of him with this celebrity to show off on Facebook. And by the way, judging by your photo you're no slouch in the looks department either.icon_wink.gif

    Moving on and letting go of people who affect you negatively doesn't have to be about drama or anger. Sometimes you simply have to assess a given situation and determine if it's a healthy, mutually symbiotic relationship. Some people are fine with being a doormat. I get the impression that it bothers you. As kjonyou said previously, "unfriend him gracefully." This doesn't mean you refuse to acknowledge him on the street should you run into one another. You can be polite, brief and concise. Simply redirect your efforts toward people who will appreciate and reciprocate. And allow yourself to become indifferent toward this friend of yours.

    Sorry that this happened to you.





    Wise Words from the "M" man.

    IMO, your "friend" is a self absorbed, shallow fuck who has used you several times in the past.

    I also suggest that you slowly, gradually, gracefully disengage yourself from this user's life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 02, 2015 4:15 PM GMT
    I've had a couple of these kinds of "friends" back in the days when I was sometimes doing too much or being too nice to a few users. I think in those years after college, I saw that I had a lot more than some "friends" and had enjoyed a lot more travel and experiences in life, and so I wanted to share all of that with them. I think I wanted to help make the 'playing field' more even. I was generous, and a good bit of my generosity was abused by a couple of guys. I was resented somewhat, instead of admired and respected. Finally, a wise older friend discussed the whole thing with me and I learned that I had been being TOO NICE. I had a Hell of a time trying to digest that. It is hard to know what is TOO NICE and what is just right - normal sharing.

    Others have advised that you taper off, or put this "friendship" on a back burner, so to speak. If you don't want to drop this friend altogether, that I'd just let things cool way down and see him less and less. Then, later - if he wants to become more of a true friend, fine. If not, let it fade out completely.
  • Goodluckyman

    Posts: 104

    May 02, 2015 9:36 PM GMT
    Did you, by any chance, oppose the person they have now married? Borrowing from what I have seen and learnt, that would cause what you are going through.

    The fact is that he nolonegr considers you as close as you may think. May be he has some unfinished business with you...may be you differed on something or you unknowingly said something hurt him but which he never let you know about.

    A friend of mine was sharing me yesterday how the person he had considered a best friend for years only came back to him a few days ago to tell him that he has been holding a cold grudge (if such a word exists)......acting like best friend while holding a grudge inside. When he openned up, my friend discovered that it is something that happened many years ago but which he never brought up.

    I think some people can do that. The can hide what hurts them for a veru long time. Well I am just speculating in your case,

    I would let him go...and if he does Iwould conclude it was never meant to be. However you must be ready to hurt for some time before dealing with it.

    Best
  • mstone18

    Posts: 84

    May 05, 2015 5:13 AM GMT

    I was thinking what YVRGuy said before I read it.

    There was probably a lot of play in the backfield out of sight and he finally had to choose between the friends in his former life and his new life.

    It sounds like he's making a break with the past and slimming down his circle of friends as a concession to his marriage.

    In my opinion its not a good sign for the marriage when a disagreement is so strong. I rather think he should have dug in his heels and kept his friends closer.

    Cooling the friendship is probably the appropriate thing to do.

  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    May 06, 2015 9:42 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the advice guys.

    I dont think my friend was making some kind of move forward with other friends, its not like he has a lot to begin with, I know most of them.

    I think it was more about "his special day" and wanting pics will really hot guys in it. I know I am not bad looking but I am defiantly not really hot like the guys he chose over me. Ironically, the guys he likes are not really into him. They just sort of hang out because they are next door neighbors. I know for a fact they blew off his last birthday party they were invited to. Once they move, I am sure they will forget about him just as fast.

    I think I have decided to let this friendship really cool down, and possible fade out. I am not going to make any effort to get together or send him any more work which is about to come my way.

    I guess you just have to move on and keep making new friends in life. I already know that, but its hard thinking I made a big mistake with that one. I really should have looked for red flags but since I really never needed favors from him I just assumed he would be there if I did. His loss I guess, I am a very loyal friend once we are friends.

    He was never my best friend, but was very close to it at one point. Friendship is really touchy with me because my first and really only best friend, took his life when he moved away to college. I have never been able to fill that gap.

    Anyway, thanks for the feedback guys. I think I know now its time to move on.