Gaydar No Longer Needed, It Is in Vogue to Ask

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  May 01, 2015 11:44 PM GMT

  NYT: Freedom almost always comes at a price: If, in the last decade, an increased tolerance of homosexuality has reduced the stigma of that sexual orientation, this reduced stigma has also emboldened more people, both gay and straight, to ask what they now view as a less-volatile question.
  
  Context is everything. If you’re gay yourself, you may be looking for community, for connection. If you’re not gay, why is that information important?
  
  http://nyti.ms/1GOgmDx
  
  

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• SilverRRCloud
  
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  May 02, 2015 5:11 AM GMT

  Nope. Thank you. I'd rather stick with my gaydar.
  
  I have no doubt that it is perfectly OK to ask the gay question directly in some environments under specific conditions as mentioned in the NYT article.
  
  For the rest of the big wide world out there, direct, questioning interest in someone's sexual orientation is still a complete "no go".
  
  When you come to think about it, why would you really care? If a dude is interested in messing around with you, he'll let you know regardless of how str8/bi/gay/trans/etc. he may or may not be. If a dude does not find you attractive, he may be the gayest dude on the planet, but he still won't have anything to do with you. Remember that being gay openly or not does NOT oblige you to have sex with anyone just because they happen to be gay (openly or not).
  
  Now, a few people find it thrilling to debate other people's private antics. So, Adam is not hanging out with Eve but seems to be spending his time with Steve? Adam is gay? Hmm? Who cares? With so many gay guys around such bit of gossip has become totally stale.
  
  SC
  
  
  
  

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• rnch
  
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  May 02, 2015 3:09 PM GMT

  Perhaps in New York City it is "ok to ask"; but here in the Deep South (New Orleans) such a direct, personal question would be considered offensive as well as "common & tacky" (a southern expression).
  
  I'll depend on my own personal gaydar.

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  May 02, 2015 5:36 PM GMT

  ya; location location but also if your face and his face is 6 inches apart the question might work too. As the question becomes plausible to ask it also is getting more difficult to tell who is gay.

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  May 03, 2015 8:39 PM GMT

  Urgh, hate this. Cho is right - if it's any question, it's: "Are you straight?"

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  May 04, 2015 3:21 AM GMT

  As a gay activist (it's on my Linked In), I empower folks to tell me about their own sexuality by being so candid about mine.
  
  I choose to lead, rather than cower.
  
  The other day, at work, a coworker says, "My boyfriend is coming this weekend." I said, "Is that you telling me you're gay?" His response, "Yep." I asked him if the boss knows and he said no.
  
  By being open, honest, and having the highest integrity, I'm able to empower others...letting them know that they are not alone. I refuse to be an enabler to closet cases. It's just plain wrong...at every level...integrity...mental health, and so on.
  
  I always say "I'm gay, but, I won't hold it against you if you aren't." It has opened MANY doors. Life is too short to be in the dark of the closet with low self acceptance. I will NOT be an enabler.

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  May 04, 2015 4:20 AM GMT

  rnch saidPerhaps in New York City it is "ok to ask"; but here in the Deep South (New Orleans) such a direct, personal question would be considered offensive as well as "common & tacky" (a southern expression).
  
  I'll depend on my own personal gaydar.

  
  
  This. Totally this.

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• Svnw688
  
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  May 04, 2015 5:58 AM GMT

  rnch saidPerhaps in New York City it is "ok to ask"; but here in the Deep South (New Orleans) such a direct, personal question would be considered offensive as well as "common & tacky" (a southern expression).
  
  I'll depend on my own personal gaydar.

  
  
  This.
  
  In addition, I wouldn't even ask this question in NYC. The only place I would ask this question is IN A GAY BAR.

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  May 04, 2015 11:32 PM GMT

  Oh my dear god. I would never ask someone if they're gay (or straight). The only appropriate response is "I am bisexual; I tend to be attracted to really masculine men and somewhat masculine men."
  
  I get asked this sometimes. Always by a woman, always a nosy opinionated woman (who refused to vaccinate her kids because Vitamin C and...). It's always followed up with--always--"I mean, your lifestyle is none of my business, you're an adult after all..."
  
  While the tone of voice I use when clarifying/edifying my--being--sounds patient, on the inside I'm imagining punting her in the cunt for her stupidity (I guess so that she'll no longer fill the earth with her defective progeny).
  
  People, don't ask someone if they're gay. Say, "I find you attractive. May I buy your coffee?" You tell them YOU'RE gay, and let them accept or refuse your polite overture. I mean, if you're a polite person.
  
  If you don't find them attractive, what the fuck are you asking them whether or not they're gay?

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  May 05, 2015 5:03 AM GMT

  My (straight) little brother has been hit on by 2 gay guys in the past few years. I've always found that really strange.

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• christastic
  
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  May 05, 2015 5:11 AM GMT

  I think it's great people are free to be open about it. You can meet people outside of the village. Some people seem over sensitive and stuck in the "down-low" days, imo

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  May 05, 2015 6:06 AM GMT

  I have terribly gaydar. I just assume everyone is gay

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• waccamatt
  
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  May 05, 2015 10:54 PM GMT

  rnch saidPerhaps in New York City it is "ok to ask"; but here in the Deep South (New Orleans) such a direct, personal question would be considered offensive as well as "common & tacky" (a southern expression).
  
  I'll depend on my own personal gaydar.

  
  
  I live in the Deep South and I'd have no problem with someone asking that question. Of course, I live in one of the most gay-friendly cities in the South, but I see nothing wrong with someone asking unless they have a malicious reason for doing so.

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  May 06, 2015 6:12 AM GMT

  Here's a podcast about the importance of being out, especially in areas where people might be prejudiced against gays:
  
  How to change a person’s mind on a divisive social issue in 22 minutes
  http://boingboing.net/2015/04/29/how-to-change-a-persons-min.html

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  May 06, 2015 6:28 AM GMT

  @grofle, thank you for sharing the podcast. I'd recently heard a similar topic on "This American Life" but not this emotionally-charged, yet just as effective in getting people for vote for LGBT cause.

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• Jeepguy2
  
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  May 06, 2015 11:05 PM GMT

  KJSharp saidMy (straight) little brother has been hit on by 2 gay guys in the past few years. I've always found that really strange.

  
  
  I had a buddy in college who was straight and that dude was always getting hit on by gay guys. I started to tell him that if he didn't like being hit on by gay men perhaps he should stop going out to bars wearing tight jeans and a wife beater. Instead I decided to use that hottie as bait because being in the closet myself, going to str8 bars with him made it easy to find out who the closet cases were because they found him so irresistible they would out themselves.
  
  The way it worked was I would go to the bathroom or go get another beer then would come back about 10 or 15 minutes later and Bryan would say "Dude, where the fuck have you been???, some God damn faggot was hitting on me while you were gone." I would say "Oh damn that is pretty fucked up, Who?" Then he would point out the guy.
  
  If the guy was do-able, after Bryan left with some chick I would go hit on the guy who had been hitting on him and usually got laid.

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  May 06, 2015 11:32 PM GMT

  I often wonder whether people have lost the social road map in relationships.....if you go to a gay bar, then of course you remove the question of 'are you gay' or relying on a questionable 'gaydar' gift.....I can only think that the reason for the question up front is to forego any conversation or relationship and get down to alley sex....'scuse my brashness.....but:
  
  I am obviously of the 'old school' in finding some of the 'courting' actually fun and exciting....don't mistake me for a prude, I like a hot roll as well as the next guy, but doesn't anyone else feel we have lost a certain mystique in the pursuit....."ok, I don't know whether or not you're gay, but right now I'm enjoying your company...we'll get down to the dirt later".....I've kinda lived by this attitude, it works most of the time and, if the guy turns out to be straight, he doesn't walk away like i've just asked to breed his sister with six guys from the Ozarks (apol's to the Ozarks)....I mean, gay guys used to be famed (right or wrong) for class....??? and of course, I'm not talking about hitting on a guy at a KKK night.
  
  

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  May 07, 2015 4:42 AM GMT

  Thoughtful responses.

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• Jeepguy2
  
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  May 22, 2015 6:45 AM GMT

  waccamatt said

  rnch saidPerhaps in New York City it is "ok to ask"; but here in the Deep South (New Orleans) such a direct, personal question would be considered offensive as well as "common & tacky" (a southern expression).
  
  I'll depend on my own personal gaydar.

  
  
  I live in the Deep South and I'd have no problem with someone asking that question. Of course, I live in one of the most gay-friendly cities in the South, but I see nothing wrong with someone asking unless they have a malicious reason for doing so.

  
  
  
  I don't think most guys in the deep south would be offended as long as the question is asked in private.
  
  That is not the way it usually happens though, what usually happens is a guy who is a complete closet case gets a few too many beers in him and his gayness starts coming out and he starts hitting on someone and makes a complete fool out of himself and embarrasses the hell out of the object of his desires (usually one of his friends) who may be gay/bi and feel the same way but damn sure is not about going to admit it when his drunken buddy says "I think you are hot and I want to suck your dick" in front of a bunch of other guys, or says "I love you bro" and plants a kiss on him front of a bunch of other people at a party.
  
  I have found out several friends were gay this way, I all cases I would have been open to their advances had they been a bit more more tactful.
  
  

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  May 22, 2015 6:50 AM GMT

  Jeepguy2 said

  waccamatt said

  rnch saidPerhaps in New York City it is "ok to ask"; but here in the Deep South (New Orleans) such a direct, personal question would be considered offensive as well as "common & tacky" (a southern expression).
  
  I'll depend on my own personal gaydar.

  
  
  I live in the Deep South and I'd have no problem with someone asking that question. Of course, I live in one of the most gay-friendly cities in the South, but I see nothing wrong with someone asking unless they have a malicious reason for doing so.

  
  
  
  I don't think most guys in the deep south would be offended as long as the question is asked in private.
  
  That is not the way it usually happens though, what usually happens is a guy who is a complete closet case gets a few too many beers in him and his gayness starts coming out and he makes a complete fool out of himself and embarrasses the hell out of the object of his desires (usually one of his friends) who may be gay/bi and feel the same way but damn sure is not going to admit it when his drunken friend says "I think you are hot and I want to suck your dick" in front of a bunch of other guys, or says "I love you bro" and plants a kiss on him front of a bunch of other people at a party.
  
  I have found out several friends were gay this way, I all cases I would have been open to their advances had they been a bit more more tactful.
  
  

  That actually happened to me - recently - by a guy who I thought was straight.
  Unfortunately he's not my type anyway so his heart got broke when I turned him down.

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