I have a 34 yr old friend who has never been in a relationship

  • SuntoryTime

    Posts: 656

    May 07, 2015 3:13 AM GMT
    Personally, I'm one of the few people out there who believes not everyone in this world will find love but I wish I could tell him something realistic to cheer him up because it's really been eating him lately.

    And if you read this, and you know who you are...I'm just looking for help. lol. Forgive me.
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    May 07, 2015 3:28 AM GMT
    *raises hand* icon_cry.gif
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    May 07, 2015 4:06 AM GMT
    polfsky said*raises hand* icon_cry.gif
    *grabs raised hand*
    *handcuffs it to bedpost*
    *gropes body*
    icon_twisted.gif
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    May 07, 2015 5:10 AM GMT
    I've been far too cynical lately about relationships, but I'm trying to be more constructive and sanguine, so I will say this.

    The things that you want desperately are the things that you most wish that you didn't have once you get them. What you want the most is always less enjoyable than you thought it would be once you get it. That is definitely not to say that relationships cannot be good, but once you get into one, there is a lot of work you have to do in order to sustain it. The bottom line is, there really is no hurry to be in a relationship and the more you think about being without one, the more you depress yourself. Your friend needs to stop thinking about the clock, let things flow as they will and before he knows it, someone will come along that will love him and also at times, frustrate him.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    May 07, 2015 5:50 AM GMT
    Relationships are not for everyone. If someone has never had one, and is unhappy about this, only he can look for solutions. Friends can hardly help. Relationships are usually between two people, the third one, no matter how well-meaning he may be, is actually a distraction.

    Be supportive, but stop there, and let your friend live his life to the best of his abilities.

    It is a common fallacy to believe that each and every gay man wants or even needs a relationship. I have come across a few guys who have been pretty happy without entering into any commitment whatsoever. Most people focus on the downsides of single living. (You know, you'll be alone for Christmas, etc.) The truth is that quite a few people are perfectly happy to have friends, enjoy company of other folks without any commitment or lasting obligation on their part.

    SC
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    May 07, 2015 9:33 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    polfsky said*raises hand* icon_cry.gif
    *grabs raised hand*
    *handcuffs it to bedpost*
    *gropes body*
    icon_twisted.gif
    icon_redface.gificon_redface.gif
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    May 07, 2015 9:35 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI agree with the OP's statement. With the billions of people on the planet, not all of us are going to find love.

    It may sound trite but for those who may not find love with another person I strongly suggest they pursue things in life they love doing. Really learn to identify past times and hobbies that you look forward to doing. And even better, is to find groups that can allow you to pursue your hobbies with others. This way you get to meet people who have similar interests. If love isn't in the cards for you then hopefully some meaningful camaraderie will.

    +100
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    May 07, 2015 3:16 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI agree with the OP's statement. With the billions of people on the planet, not all of us are going to find love.

    It may sound trite but for those who may not find love with another person I strongly suggest they pursue things in life they love doing. Really learn to identify past times and hobbies that you look forward to doing. And even better, is to find groups that can allow you to pursue your hobbies with others. This way you get to meet people who have similar interests. If love isn't in the cards for you then hopefully some meaningful camaraderie will.


    I actually quite agree with this.
    To be honest, some people just know.
    I knew that I was going to be one of those guys who would always be single, even when I was younger that's how I always saw my future to be like, and the thing is it didn't bother me.

    Living it now I can say that there are some things you just know.
    I'm not even 30 yet but still my entire life I've always enjoyed and preferred me being single and have yet to feel lonely.

    So much like the above was just said, I had time to discover things I really enjoyed doing as well explore different hobbies that I've been curious about trying.
    Furthermore these have become things that I've learned to enjoy without doing it in company, but I'm still out in the world because I work full time.

    Honestly all I can say is that I know for sure this lifestyle was something that was really meant for me.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 07, 2015 8:32 PM GMT
    Well I don't think any of that^^^ is going to cheer up your friend. I don't think it's all that difficult to find a good guy. Not necessarily the same thing as a life-long-love but it's a start! Tell your friend to stop being so glum about it and arrange a date with some nice guy he knows or can find on the net. And tell him to give the guy a chance. God, all you have to do is look around this site and with a few exceptions, most guys here hope to find love and commitment (and quite a few who already have). And there's a lot of really great guys here! The world is no different. Sure, it takes a while to know if some guy you like may be the one to love but the process of figuring that out is sure pleasant. But it also takes some effort and initiative. If your friend is seriously down, he may be actually depressed. And need some help. But if he's not, tell him to just start having fun with life. Attitude matters.
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    May 07, 2015 8:46 PM GMT
    Well I am 33 and been in about 2 ex-serious relationships. Lol, I'm glad that I'm single and mingling at the moment. But relationships are not for everyone. Just focus on yourself, do what you love best and love will come when you least expected. Tell your friend that. icon_smile.gif
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    May 10, 2015 9:54 AM GMT
    Aww, c'mon. Everyone's different, just because someone dated in their 20s, that doesn't make your friend more or less that others. icon_smile.gif Tell him, heads up. Make more friends out there.
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    May 10, 2015 4:59 PM GMT
    Though I'm no where near 34, I compare to my other gay friends who are sexually inexperienced and attractive, and tell myself that could never be me because I don't really have attractive qualities as they do. Of course, you have to love yourself before someone else can, but confidence can only hide the ugly for so long. Plus, I intimidate people than I invite them, but I'm also severely guarded.
  • De_Couteau

    Posts: 11

    May 10, 2015 5:37 PM GMT
    I also agree that not everyone in this world will find love- so many people die before they do, or lack the skills to make a loving relationship successful, or number-wise there just aren't enough compatible people.

    That being said, I think a huge obstacle to finding a relationship is looking for one. I think the best relationships happen organically when you're not trying to find a person to fall in love with. That makes me think of putting the cart before the horse. I think people benefit a lot when they pause to live in the moment, cultivate all the things around them, and be pleasantly surprised if a relationship appears.

    It also always helps me to seek out and hear about people not finding love until they're older than we're conditioned to think is normal.
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    May 11, 2015 4:16 AM GMT
    material things in life are one thing but another person is x1000 times the effect. pick the wrong mate and its -x1000.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3532

    May 24, 2015 6:26 AM GMT
    Tell him to make a list of 100 guys and no pity til he asks all of them on dates. I am guessing he is at less than 3 currently, gay men are cowards.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Jun 05, 2015 4:42 PM GMT
    Junny saidThough I'm no where near 34, I compare to my other gay friends who are sexually inexperienced and attractive, and tell myself that could never be me because I don't really have attractive qualities as they do. Of course, you have to love yourself before someone else can, but confidence can only hide the ugly for so long. Plus, I intimidate people than I invite them, but I'm also severely guarded.


    Same here. Gay men have exceptionally high expectations. I am a confident person, but you won't see my confidence as i walk down the street. What you'll see is this face and my skinny body. Attractiveness is mostly, and for most people, a completely physical thing. People say otherwise but it isn't true.
  • ZakSayWhat

    Posts: 573

    Jun 10, 2015 4:00 PM GMT
    The biggest thing is learning to love yourself.

    Im in the same boat tbh. Ive had two major relationshios in my life, one with a guy who lied for 12 months and showed no interest in me outside being his posession and another a relationship of four years that is actually a catfish, i.e. ill never meet him offline, and i don't even know what he looks like.

    i realise that at this point in my life im so selfish and full of self loathing that i need to grow out of it and im hoping that if i can get to a point in my life where ive learnt to love the person i am that i won't need to use others to validate me.
  • will12

    Posts: 5

    Jun 25, 2015 7:54 PM GMT
    Hmm. I'm scared that might happen to me too but im only 19 and i've had 2 boyfriends before but i wanna meet and live happily with the love of my life. I get scared when i think about not finding one. icon_eek.gif
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14380

    Jun 26, 2015 1:16 AM GMT
    Well I am 54 and I have never been in a relationship. It really doesn't bother me one bit.
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    Jun 26, 2015 2:05 AM GMT
    It kinda baffles me some of you guys are single and like in your 40s, 50s, you're too picky?? lol, just get out there and live, love and take a chance, lower your standards or go your guys your league maybe??. Like seriously, life's about making choices and I'd hate to be alone, single later on in life. Grrr icon_twisted.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_redface.gif
  • e2ksj3355

    Posts: 110

    Jun 26, 2015 4:52 AM GMT
    I'm 31 and in a similar situation. I've been really in only one serious relationship and after that I haven't really been able to focus much on dating. I don't want to be alone, but at the same don't want to have my heart broken again. I'm sure a lot of guys feel that way, especially with gay guys who don't have the best record of being monogamous.

  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14380

    Jun 26, 2015 1:40 PM GMT
    I am too independent to be in a relationship.icon_neutral.gif