Complicated situation involving a crush on a friend

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    May 12, 2015 2:12 PM GMT
    Let me start by saying this isn't just a topic to ask for advice about what to do with my crush.

    I've spent entirely too much time trying to figure out how to word this whole thing lol, so I'm just gonna go for it. I have this friend who's straight (as far as I can tell), and... he's just an amazing person. He's incredibly hot, works out a lot, he has the most beautiful blue eyes. But further, he's just a good person. He's an incredible friend, protective, loyal, willing to do anything to help out a friend. He's kind, and adorable, and I just love spending time with him.

    I didn't really wanna gush about him like that lol, but I think it's important to the situation.

    Anyway, he doesn't know I'm gay (or at least I haven't told him... I'm not really trying to hide it I guess, but I've never really feet the need to just spontaneously bring it up), so I've never told him all these things I feel about him, how amazing I think he is. Maybe the easiest way to phrase the problem is... I feel like he needs someone to tell him these things.

    The reason I say this is because I feel like his love life... is a disaster lol. I feel like he tries way too hard; like he just throws himself at girls who pay him any attention at all. From my point of view, it feels like he does this from a lack of self-confidence... it seems like he isn't confident enough that his default state is more than enough to attract any girl he wants. He'll hook up with girls that I'm not even sure he really wants to be with, and my guess is that he doesn't feel like he can do better. Recently, he re-met a girl he knew from high school and almost immediately starting dating her... even though she had to leave to go back to her home across the state only a few days later. He seems intent on making that work (which, hey, if he can, great... I just don't see it happening).

    It's just such a strange situation for me. To me, this guy is absolutely perfect; he should be able to pull whoever he wants on looks alone, and his personality is almost intoxicating to be around. Now, I realize that my opinions could easily be colored by my enormous crush lol, but I really don't think I'm so blinded by it that I'm missing some huge personality flaws. I mean, even our other friends say that he's like the nicest guy, best friend ever.

    But I watch him throw himself at girls and get hurt, and it breaks my heart a little bit honestly; he deserves so much better, to be with a girl who appreciates him for everything that he is. But he doesn't seem to have the confidence needed to get a girl that wants him for more than just his body, a hook-up. I wish I could tell him just how special I think he is, and I think he really deserves (and needs) someone to tell him that... obviously, my concern if it were to be ME would be how that would impact our friendship lol. I don't think he would have an issue with me being gay... how he would react to me gushing to him about how I think he's like the perfect guy is a separate question haha.

    I don't feel a personal need to admit any of this to him; I have long accepted that I'm going to develop crushes on guys that I can just never be with, and I'm okay with that. It happens. I know there are guys in similar situations who feel the need to tell their friend about their crush for their OWN sake, like it's eating them up inside. That's not what's happening here... I'm personally okay, but I feel like HE needs someone to let him know that he really can be loved; I feel like he doesn't believe that 100% himself, and until he does, he's going to keep getting hurt.

    I suppose maybe nothing will really come of posting this here, as I'm pretty well aware of the couple of options here lol, but I guess I was just curious about what other guys would do in a similar situation. Also, HAS anyone ever found themselves in a similar situation, having a straight friend who you have an enormous crush on, who you think is basically perfect, but who has horrible luck (or whatever) with girls?

    (holy s*** this is a lot longer than I planned lol)

    EDIT: I meant to put this in dating/relationships, I have no idea how it ended up here... icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2015 2:49 PM GMT
    tl;dr
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2015 3:31 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidtl;dr


    I'll never understand the compulsion kids have to post just to tell someone they didn't read what they said.

    EDIT: Wow, apparently it's not always little kids. I'll be damned.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    May 12, 2015 3:41 PM GMT
    No doubt, the fact that you have a major crush on your friend makes you oversee some things, and see the other things in much brighter colors. No one should blame you for that.

    Consider the fact that your str8 friend does not really have to meet your expectations, dreams and hopes. It is so much more about the girls he has been trying to meet, date, etc. What seems to be so overwhelmingly important to you may be of fairly little consequence to them. Hence, he may be faring not too well on the str8 dating market.

    I never have any problem in honestly recognizing the factual achievements of all of my friends, gay and str8 alike. Look into the matter closely, establish the facts, and go to him, and tell him, "Dude, you aced it here and here, and here. You have my respect and admiration." Truth is a very powerful thing.

    SC
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    May 12, 2015 3:48 PM GMT

    Metalstorm, he's definitely straight, so go from there. Now, you're really unhappy seeing him having trouble with girls. You're gay, and so very likely you may have several women as friends. How about trying to help him out that way? Introduce a few to him.

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    May 12, 2015 3:50 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidNo doubt, the fact that you have a major crush on your friend makes you oversee some things, and see the other things in much brighter colors. No one should blame you for that.

    Consider the fact that your str8 friend does not really have to meet your expectations, dreams and hopes. It is so much more about the girls he has been trying to meet, date, etc. What seems to be so overwhelmingly important to you may be of fairly little consequence to them. Hence, he may be faring not too well on the str8 dating market.

    I never have any problem in honestly recognizing the factual achievements of all of my friends, gay and str8 alike. Look into the matter closely, establish the facts, and go to him, and tell him, "Dude, you aced it here and here, and here. You have my respect and admiration." Truth is a very powerful thing.

    SC


    Oh, I definitely agree about not having to meet my expectations about his dating life. I guess it's just that I've seen him get hurt by girls who don't really appreciate him at all, and (probably in part because of my crush) that kinda upsets me. Hell, even without the crush, he's the nicest guy I know and I'd say he deserves better sometimes.

    Have you ever had something similar, a str8 friend who you think is amazing but for whatever reason has zero luck dating?
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    May 12, 2015 3:52 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Metalstorm, he's definitely straight, so go from there. Now, you're really unhappy seeing him having trouble with girls. You're gay, and so very likely you may have several women as friends. How about trying to help him out that way? Introduce a few to him.



    Yeah, I wouldn't think he's anything other than straight.

    In any case, I guess I don't fit that stereotype of having several female friends lol, so that's not really a solution icon_smile.gif

    Let me say one more thing: I guess I'm not really looking for a solution to some problem here. It's more that I just wanted to share my feelings about this boy and my take on what I see him go through, and was curious if anyone had similar experiences.
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    May 12, 2015 4:03 PM GMT
    metalstorm1617 said
    meninlove said
    Metalstorm, he's definitely straight, so go from there. Now, you're really unhappy seeing him having trouble with girls. You're gay, and so very likely you may have several women as friends. How about trying to help him out that way? Introduce a few to him.



    Yeah, I wouldn't think he's anything other than straight.

    In any case, I guess I don't fit that stereotype of having several female friends lol, so that's not really a solution icon_smile.gif



    Then change it up! Make friends with some girls that you think might fit the bill. icon_wink.gif
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    May 12, 2015 4:05 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    metalstorm1617 said
    meninlove said
    Metalstorm, he's definitely straight, so go from there. Now, you're really unhappy seeing him having trouble with girls. You're gay, and so very likely you may have several women as friends. How about trying to help him out that way? Introduce a few to him.



    Yeah, I wouldn't think he's anything other than straight.

    In any case, I guess I don't fit that stereotype of having several female friends lol, so that's not really a solution icon_smile.gif



    Then change it up! Make friends with some girls that you think might fit the bill. icon_wink.gif


    brb, posting a "how do I make female friends" thread

    Kidding lol... though I really do want to start going out more and actually trying to be part of the gay community, in my offline life I'm basically totally removed from it.
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    May 12, 2015 4:30 PM GMT


    I like you.

    This, "brb, posting a "how do I make female friends" thread"


    ..made me laugh so hard, Bill came into the kitchen to see what was going on, rofl! Good one!
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    May 12, 2015 4:34 PM GMT
    all at once you discover your gay, it seems your previous life was complex formulas lightly remaining on a otherwise clean white board. Everyone is so different keep in mind what brought you to this point. It wont be the same for your friend, maybe never happen. Respect that.


    so you think your friend is a better person. when you have become that person tell him your gay. be done with him (or not) an go to the next.
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    May 12, 2015 6:05 PM GMT
    i was in a similar situation except i had told myself for awhile it didn't matter if i had a crush on any of my straight friends because i knew they were straight. well it turned out 1 of them wasn't straight so i'm not trying 2 give you false hope but you never know. my dude was with the same girl for years when anyone could see he wasnt happy with her and not just because he was gay. but i think he thought he needed to stay with her because he didn't want to worry about getting with a different girl meanwhile he knows he doesn't like girls at all.. even after i found out he was also gay he sort of assumed he wasnt good enough for me to have a real relationship with and that he was only good for sex and normal friendship. but i finally told him what i really thought about him and yeah i went into some mushy shit i normally would be embarrassed to talk about but it seemed like he was just waiting for me to say it and now we've been dating for almost 2 months. again im not tryna give u false hope lol but tbh your biggest fear should be that he'd be creeped out or that it'd become awkward after you told him how you feel. but if he's this amazing dude, he'd def benefit from hearing some of this even if he's not into guys so i think u should tell him
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    May 15, 2015 11:08 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    I like you.

    This, "brb, posting a "how do I make female friends" thread"


    ..made me laugh so hard, Bill came into the kitchen to see what was going on, rofl! Good one!


    icon_biggrin.gif

    pellaz saidall at once you discover your gay, it seems your previous life was complex formulas lightly remaining on a otherwise clean white board. Everyone is so different keep in mind what brought you to this point. It wont be the same for your friend, maybe never happen. Respect that.


    so you think your friend is a better person. when you have become that person tell him your gay. be done with him (or not) an go to the next.


    This post... confuses me.

    collegedude12 saidi was in a similar situation except i had told myself for awhile it didn't matter if i had a crush on any of my straight friends because i knew they were straight. well it turned out 1 of them wasn't straight so i'm not trying 2 give you false hope but you never know. my dude was with the same girl for years when anyone could see he wasnt happy with her and not just because he was gay. but i think he thought he needed to stay with her because he didn't want to worry about getting with a different girl meanwhile he knows he doesn't like girls at all.. even after i found out he was also gay he sort of assumed he wasnt good enough for me to have a real relationship with and that he was only good for sex and normal friendship. but i finally told him what i really thought about him and yeah i went into some mushy shit i normally would be embarrassed to talk about but it seemed like he was just waiting for me to say it and now we've been dating for almost 2 months. again im not tryna give u false hope lol but tbh your biggest fear should be that he'd be creeped out or that it'd become awkward after you told him how you feel. but if he's this amazing dude, he'd def benefit from hearing some of this even if he's not into guys so i think u should tell him


    Awww... that's such an adorable story, I love it icon_smile.gif

    And don't worry about the false hope thing haha, I don't really spend any time hoping for anything like that from my friend... of course if I saw some overt sign that he WAS into guys I might recalculate lol.

    But the rest of your post is spot on, the biggest fear would be him feeling weird about it... at the very least if he didn't have a problem with it at all, I could still see it affecting our friendship in ways, even if not on purpose. Honestly one of the major reasons I probably wouldn't do this at this point is because he's become basically like the best friend I've ever had after just sort of meeting him through another friend I had recently met. We hang out a lot, play video games, go out and eat, go to the gym, all either alone or with other friends... and he's just such a joy to be around, I'd hate to risk losing what we have now.

    Also: Thanks to the mod or whoever moved this to the correct forum lol.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    May 16, 2015 4:02 AM GMT
    Str8 guys don't care where the pussy comes from...They just wanna get laid...You telling him your true feelings would be a disaster for you, and your friendship. Stay clear of his love life and get one for yourself.
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    May 17, 2015 6:41 PM GMT
    mybud saidStr8 guys don't care where the pussy comes from...They just wanna get laid...You telling him your true feelings would be a disaster for you, and your friendship. Stay clear of his love life and get one for yourself.


    Thanks for the bitchiness, was totally necessary... also probably not usually too wise to make assumptions like this based on nothing at all. Just a bit of friendly advice.

    As far as your statement that str8 guys just wanna get laid... this would seem to clash head-on with the fact that, as I mentioned in the first post, he just started a long-distance relationship. I don't know about you, but if I'm just trying to get laid, starting a relationship with a guy who isn't even physically in my area doesn't sound like a great strategy.
  • EricPrado

    Posts: 206

    May 18, 2015 8:47 AM GMT
    pics or it didn't happn
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    May 18, 2015 8:00 PM GMT
    EricPrado saidpics or it didn't happn


    ...or what didn't happen lol