love and other forms of distress

  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    May 14, 2015 8:10 PM GMT
    but also kind of an advice-asky type of thing.

    Anyway, last week at capoeira i spoke to this guy who i noticed in previous lessons and thought was very pretty. He's very quiet and petite (I like quiet/weird people). I went up to him and told him that I knew capoeirista there besides him, and introduced myself, to which he responded by telling me his name. We were partnered up and I helped him with a move or two that I immediately grasped and he struggled with , and we spoke about university life and various other things. We actually got along kind of well. I like him, or i think i do. well i feel something that made me look forward to capoeira this week and notice his absence

    Taking things in a completely different direction, when i hear my friends speak about 'vibes' or 'crushes' they usually feel elated or excited. I feel heavily depressed. I haven't 'liked' very many people, but when it does happen, a thick could of depression gathers around me and i just feel despondent.

    This thing is, i have a terrible track record with gay guys (that record being a big fat 0), because up until this point no human being has ever taken an interest in me before and as I said in a previous post: gay guys tend to treat me like a carrier of the bubonic plague. I still have 0 gay friends despite being in cape town. ANYWAYS, i automatically assume this guy will dislike me, because they all have, and tell myself not to bother with it, but i still would like to see him again, and it frustrates me because i just know im setting myself up for another disappointment and i can't afford to take a dive into depression again just before exams.

    Does anybody else get this way if they have a crush? Do you just tell yourself from the get go that it probably will never work out , but try anyway and have it blow up in you face? Because frankly i find it irrational to have a strong attachment, if any, to someone you've spoken to for only fifty minutes. I've made an active effort to distract myself with things like studying, socialising and reading but over the course of the week 3 friends have told me i look inconsolably sad and my friend Lihle told me that i look like someone had just died - and this was at capoeira, which is generally an upbeat type of thing.
    I can't stand my own behaviour. I have an insightful and mature outlook on most things, but when it comes to any notion of personal romance, I act like an immature over-dramatic, twilight obsessed fourteen year old girl; to everyone's annoyance including my own.
    Do you guys have any advice? And i mean actual advice not bitchy commentary, because i really really don't know what to do in these situations. *Sigh* i need guidance
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    May 15, 2015 2:31 AM GMT
    giodude saidWARNING: THIS IS A RANT
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    May 15, 2015 2:48 AM GMT
    I hear you. Sounds like some psychotherapy would be useful for you to figure out why you have such a poor self-image. Also, I read your profile essays and I think it might be worth giving people you describe as "fake" a little more slack. I think a lot of times people are just trying to figure out for themselves who they are and how they relate to the world. What you regard as "fake" might just be folks who are still trying to figure themselves out, rather than trying to be intentionally dishonest with you.

    Good luck with the capoeira guy. For all you know he might actually be interested in you if you made it clear you were interested in him. I know it's easy to say "nothing ventured nothing gained" if you're fearing and/or assuming rejection. I hope that you'll somehow be able to develop your own sense of self-worth better so that you can withstand possible rejection and so that you don't sabotage your chances for the opposite result.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    May 15, 2015 6:40 AM GMT
    Nah man the fake people were the rumour mills in my stupid little home town that pretended to be interested in me and then relayed the embellished every single answer i gave to the rest of the school.

    for instance: Them: "OMG jordan is wearing such nice shorts today"
    Me "Yes they are. I'd like pair but they complement him better than they would me."
    *a few days later*
    Some random person: " I heard from ________ you were perving over jordan. Why are you in love with jordan? hes straight and it makes everyone so awkward."
    Me *roundhouse kick to the jaw of the random person*

    Those are my experiences with fake people that just happened over and over again

    I have confidence when it comes to everything else. I'd perform in public (and have. I sang 'rehab' by amy winehouse at a residence concert and garnered a few fans on campus hehehe) and generally make friends easily. But, with gay guys, my self image is zero. If i like someone i automatically assume that they'll reject me, because no one has ever accepted me. The closest ive ever come to romance is at the beginning of the year with a guy i bought lunch for, we spoke every lunch time chilled together and stuff only for him to tell me that he "isn't really attracted to guys who aren't white" and then asked me to hook him up with attractive white guys two days (TWO DAYS) afterwards.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 847

    May 15, 2015 9:57 AM GMT
    Try to understand that evolution most likely endowed us with higher intelligence for the purpose of sexual selection. If you want it simply, finding a partner, and keeping one can be seen as an exercise in your intelligence.

    If you do not stop looking back at your track record, nothing will ever change for better. Man up to the point where you honestly shrug with your shoulders, and say, the past is past, and I am now building a better future for myself. Looking back is counterproductive and in your case actually destructive, if you wish to build a better life for yourself.

    It is nice to have friends, and sure, some of your friends are girls, too. Gay men usually love to hang out with their female friends, and all of it looks cute and charming. Keep it, though, within reason. A guy may like you, but if you are always hanging out with a bunch of your bestest female friends, you are sending a wrong signal that he, too, will have to become part of the clique, and get involved with them, too. On a personal level, few gay guys will enjoy this, although they would all say that "generally", yeah, they like it. Do not buy too much into this. Dudes who want to date another guy, are into this other guy. They are NOT into a large cohort of his friends who are likely to tax the time and resources, possibly being judgemental, gossipy and generally immature.

    Embrace the idea of the freedom of association. Every dude out there has his own ideas on whom he wants to date. If he is into tall, white guys only, shrug with your shoulders, say that it is all his loss, and move on. There is no point in wasting your time and money on such guys, as the case may be.

    Daring guys are usually more successful when it comes to dating than shy, scared dudes. Your 'friends' may not like this new you, but they are not here to build a better life for you. This is really your job. Disregard their gossip, and ignore their views.

    When you bump into a guy whom you find attractive, follow up. This is a basic marketing skill, and dating is a form of marketing, though a few people do not like this comparaison/association. Say things like, "wanna go and catch some brew after the training?"

    Offer an easy, plausible plan: "Dude, it was fun talking with you. Care to catch up tomorrow evening? I am going to the ABC bar at 7 for a couple of drinks? Care to join?"

    Do not be too intense about anything in particular. If a dude is interested in meeting up with you, he'll find the time and ways to do so. He may be busy tomorrow night but he'll have time to go and grab some lunch with you or whatever.

    Much of time and energy are wasted on trying to find an 'ideal guy'. The one who will meet all of your requirements and expectations. Part with this notion ASAP. Set your minimal requirements, and start communicating. Remember that very few people are 100% into their partners. Life is an art of compromise. You give some and you take some.