The Differences Between Men vs. Boys

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 15, 2015 12:42 AM GMT
    When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what my Anger Management Case director was saying to me in terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.

    “The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” - Psychology Today

    So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved paternal issues and 2) At the tender age of 21, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.

    But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.

    I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a boy to becoming a man. And as a man, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a boy.

    A girl is attracted to boys, women are attracted to men, vice versa. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post in regards to the opposite sex on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.

    If you are a boy (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have prince syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a man (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a what you bring to the table. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.

    1. A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.

    2. A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life) or another purpose or passion. A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.

    3. A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.

    4. A man knows a good match when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know him. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.

    5. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.

    6.A man knows when to invest in his potential and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.

    7. A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.

    8. A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave & the visions he is setting for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.

    9. A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.

    10. A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.

    11. A man is not afraid of someone of his caliber; he will find a potential that can match wits with him & give him a run for his money. A man will find the time to make it work with said potential; a boy will settle for what's at the bottom of the barrel, play Captain Save A Ho by sleeping with trash & try to have it easy because, someone lower than him will boost his easily intimidated ego, or, lack of manhood. A boy doesn't realise that he can't lose something he never really had in the first place.

    Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:

    12. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.

    *To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.

    Had to do some hard thinking as to why I am by myself (aside from the fact that I've been labelled a borderline misandrist) & that, my therapist has said, is not a problem...ALL comments welcomed...disparaging, denigrating or not(:
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 15, 2015 1:01 AM GMT
    Thanks for sharing; it always makes my day to see this sort of sincere reflection on RJ. A few points make me want to argue, but those are mostly the same ones where I know I have work to do myself.

    One thing I can't help but dwell on is your reference to misandry; I never really thought about what the word for it might be, but one reason it took me so very long to grow up is that I hid my sexuality behind my general contempt for men (or what you might more accurately see as grown boys) for a very long time. I find it fascinating that though you seem to be coming from a very different place, your revelations explain a lot of my experiences so very well. Thanks so much for your thoughts.
  • craycraydoesd...

    Posts: 596

    May 15, 2015 1:13 AM GMT
    In that case there are as many men who are boys as there are boys who are men. I prefer "mature" vs "immature"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 15, 2015 1:48 AM GMT
    yetanotherphil saidThanks for sharing; it always makes my day to see this sort of sincere reflection on RJ. A few points make me want to argue, but those are mostly the same ones where I know I have work to do myself.

    One thing I can't help but dwell on is your reference to misandry; I never really thought about what the word for it might be, but one reason it took me so very long to grow up is that I hid my sexuality behind my general contempt for men (or what you might more accurately see as grown boys) for a very long time. I find it fascinating that though you seem to be coming from a very different place, your revelations explain a lot of my experiences so very well. Thanks so much for your thoughts.


    Misandry...one who can hate men with nuclear contempt (: I could play other gay men along the lines of what's here but then, I would turn into the very thing I detest(:
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 15, 2015 2:13 AM GMT
    W8n2Xhale_Remixed said
    yetanotherphil saidThanks for sharing; it always makes my day to see this sort of sincere reflection on RJ. A few points make me want to argue, but those are mostly the same ones where I know I have work to do myself.

    One thing I can't help but dwell on is your reference to misandry; I never really thought about what the word for it might be, but one reason it took me so very long to grow up is that I hid my sexuality behind my general contempt for men (or what you might more accurately see as grown boys) for a very long time. I find it fascinating that though you seem to be coming from a very different place, your revelations explain a lot of my experiences so very well. Thanks so much for your thoughts.


    Misandry...one who can hate men with nuclear contempt (: I could play other gay men along the lines of what's here but then, I would turn into the very thing I detest(:


    Growing up in a rural, religious, conservative area I thought I knew "men" as people who would sabotage each other without reason, who conflated love and possession, and who would force their so-loved possessions to constantly prove their loyalty by making them endure no end of suffering. The closest I came to reconciling my sexuality with my experiences surrounded by them was to think I was somehow confused about my own gender; only when I watched a good friend begin to evolve from boyhood to manhood in a way I'd never really seen before could I begin to understand what it meant to 'just' be gay.

    I still have never managed to put any of it as well as you have, though. It really is good -- 'cathartic', even, though I don't like to use that word -- to see someone else explain it better than I could.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2015 3:33 PM GMT
    Thank you so much for this article, it is very useful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2015 3:39 PM GMT
    as you go through life you remain the same person. play hard but the one with the least regrets wins.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    May 18, 2015 4:28 PM GMT
    You basically just described an overly confident "alpha" type of man. Not every man is strong or assertive. There are plenty of lily livered men in this world, doesn't mean that they are "boys" though.

    The difference between a boy and a man? Puberty. Tis all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2015 4:36 PM GMT
    Mulignan said
    The difference between a boy and a man? Puberty. Tis all.

    Bosh, sir.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 18, 2015 4:51 PM GMT
    I think the difference between men and boys is the desire to take responsibility for something important. To take a weight on his shoulders and handle it with grace. In the straight world, this usually happens with the birth of a child. Same in the gay world more and more frequently but in the absence of that, a man must carve out his values and then put his strength behind them, preferably with someone else benefiting. Otherwise, he will remain a child at play.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2015 5:00 PM GMT
    Mulignan said
    The difference between a boy and a man? Puberty. Tis all.

    Indeed probably was true in canaanite tribes of the mideast, and even in medieval England - but today, there are lots of "boys", post-puberty, that are jailbait in the USA and Europe - kids where the plumbing works but is too dangerous to touch..
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    May 18, 2015 5:21 PM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    Mulignan said
    The difference between a boy and a man? Puberty. Tis all.

    Indeed probably was true in canaanite tribes of the mideast, and even in medieval England - but today, there are lots of "boys", post-puberty, that are jailbait in the USA and Europe - kids where the plumbing works but is too dangerous to touch..


    Well they had it right back then. A male is pretty much a man physically a few years after puberty.

    All that crap about a man being assertive blah blah is socially constructed and does more damage to the male psyche than anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2015 6:11 PM GMT
    Mulignan saidYou basically just described an overly confident "alpha" type of man. Not every man is strong or assertive. There are plenty of lily livered men in this world, doesn't mean that they are "boys" though.

    The difference between a boy and a man? Puberty. Tis all.

    I agree. I have met many men, who aren't really the kind of men OP mentioned. But they are no boy either. I do keep falling for them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2015 10:54 PM GMT
    Mulignan saidYou basically just described an overly confident "alpha" type of man. Not every man is strong or assertive. There are plenty of lily livered men in this world, doesn't mean that they are "boys" though.


    I disagree. I don't think the OP's characterizations of manhood generally describe the stereotypical "alpha", nor does he conflate that stereotype's behavior with courage as I read the post. An overconfident "alpha" may fit some descriptions better than others, some 'boy' and some 'man'. Some points may even be proven somewhat inadequate as a result, but I don't think as a whole the OP is glorifying senselessly aggressive personalities.


    Mulignan saidThe difference between a boy and a man? Puberty. Tis all.


    This isn't *that* far from saying that emotional maturity should not be considered part of a cultural definition of manhood. We all know this is literally correct in physiological terms, but the word "man" has probably carried meanings beyond physiology for nearly as long as language and patriarchy have coexisted in the collective human mind, and I doubt that's going to change any time soon.