Boyfriend is being shady

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2015 4:32 PM GMT
    Hi everyone.

    I've been in a relationship for 1 year and I've always noticed some weird behaviours, but these last couple weeks something seems really off. I'm not sure if I'm paranoid or not.

    Everyday we text 'good morning' and call each other at night to talk and say goodnight. We text regularly during the day whenever we can. At the beginning he had his facebook friends hid from me but a few months in he opened it to me and I didn't even have to ask. Very rarely he added anyone new, usually only people from his work or college.
    However on these last few weeks he changed. At first he started treating me coldly and after me asking several times he said he was feeling I would hurt him and wanted to protect himself. We got over that and everything went back to normal. We havent been calling each other regularly though because he says he's feeling too tired and will go to bed as soon as he gets home.
    After a few days I noticed he started adding some guys not related to any of the places he usually goes - all of them gay, fit, not related to each other. That's fine, he can add whoever he wants to and I'll trust him. At least until yesterday when he added a guy that I had a one-night-stand with way before we started dating. I decided to comment on it, not angry or anything, just saying that it was a small world and how I kinda knew that guy. Then he immediatly changed subject about how he also met a girl at work who knew some of his friends. Today I decided to check his friend list again and guess what? It was now blocked to me.
    I decided to ask why. He said his sister was looking through his facebook and he didn't want her to see some stuff. So he changed her permissions on facebook and I was in the same group as her, then allowed me to see his list once again.

    I don't want to say I don't trust him but my gut says that I'm being extremely dumb and that I need to come up with something to make some things clear.
    I'd like some advice about how I should act, if I'm right to be suspicious about it or not... anything really.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2015 4:34 PM GMT
    Why is he adding random gay guys if not to have sex with them?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2015 4:48 PM GMT
    No, you're not being paranoid. The big red flag that's waving in front of your face ---> "After a few days I noticed he started adding some guys not related to any of the places he usually goes - all of them gay, fit, not related to each other." And.....he blocked you so you wouldn't see them. icon_neutral.gif

    You've already tried politely bringing it to his attention and all that got you was blocked. Personally, I'd leave this guy as I don't think he's going to be honest with you even if you had a sit-down talk with him. Cheating and lying always go together because if you don't have the integrity to be faithful, you're not going to have the integrity to tell the truth when confronted. So you can have a sit-down talk with him but you're most likely only going to get more lies.

    If you insist on staying with him, you should send friend requests to all of these guys in question. After all....isn't that what Facebook is about? Check out his reaction then!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    May 21, 2015 4:50 PM GMT
    In every relationship, you'll have periods of distrust or suspicions that can poison the affection. Two people have separate ups and downs and needs and fantasies. Especially when you're living apart. The way you hold together as a couple is by talking. I think it sounds a bit fishy but his explanation sounds plausible, too. Find a comfortable spot to simply tell him what he means to you and that you've been feeling a bit unloved recently. He may or may not have gone extracurricular and he may or may not tell you the truth. You'll have to decide when you hear what he says. I heard a TED Talk yesterday discussing infidelity. The presenter suggested that almost all couples go through such periods, either physically or even just mentally. That you can stay or leave. Either way, you are starting a new relationship. And if you look at it that way, some of the need to know the TRUTH fades a bit. If you really care for him, try starting over. Start with deciding what he means to you. Then tell him.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    May 21, 2015 5:38 PM GMT
    If you've been dating for a year and all of a sudden he doesn't want to talk to you in the evenings because he's "too tired" (what, like calling someone before bed takes that much energy?) then something is up. Ask him about it, but be prepared to get an answer you might not want to hear.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2015 8:20 PM GMT
    It seems likely that he is having (or had) sex with other guys. You need to consider how this will affect your relationship. Can/could you forgive him? A lot of guys on RJ think this is always the absolute end of things. In the real world, infidelity happens. Some people can deal with it, and some can't. Which are you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2015 8:35 PM GMT


    Is this solely an online relationship?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2015 8:36 PM GMT
    Dump his ass for good.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 21, 2015 9:15 PM GMT
    You're not seeing it because you don't want to see it.
    End this, and go out and find someone who deserves you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2015 10:18 PM GMT
    HikerSkier saidIt seems likely that he is having (or had) sex with other guys. You need to consider how this will affect your relationship. Can/could you forgive him? A lot of guys on RJ think this is always the absolute end of things. In the real world, infidelity happens. Some people can deal with it, and some can't. Which are you?

    Probably the second one. We only see each other about once or twice a week, if I can't trust him while he's away nothing will make me trust him again. I can forgive him for anything he has done but it also means the end of the relationship.



    @meninlove No, it's not an online relationship. We just don't have time to see each other during the week.

    Destinharbor saidIn every relationship, you'll have periods of distrust or suspicions that can poison the affection. Two people have separate ups and downs and needs and fantasies. Especially when you're living apart. The way you hold together as a couple is by talking. I think it sounds a bit fishy but his explanation sounds plausible, too. Find a comfortable spot to simply tell him what he means to you and that you've been feeling a bit unloved recently. He may or may not have gone extracurricular and he may or may not tell you the truth. You'll have to decide when you hear what he says. I heard a TED Talk yesterday discussing infidelity. The presenter suggested that almost all couples go through such periods, either physically or even just mentally. That you can stay or leave. Either way, you are starting a new relationship. And if you look at it that way, some of the need to know the TRUTH fades a bit. If you really care for him, try starting over. Start with deciding what he means to you. Then tell him.

    He means a lot to me and it's no secret. I've done so many things for him, helped him get through the death of his grandma, supported him when he thought he was about to get fired, etc. I think that if those things didn't stop him from betraying me nothing I do ever will. I will try saying what he means to me one more time but this feeling of distrust can't stay. Feeling like this is more painful than the thought of ending everything and moving on.


    Update: Still haven't talked to him about it. I'm ignoring him for the time being until I decide how to approach the matter. I already told him we need to talk but didn't say why or when.
    What makes me iffy about it is that I have no real proof. But then how could I ever find proof that he is cheating? I agree that he won't have the integrity to tell the truth if he is a cheater.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2015 10:27 PM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREAt first he started treating me coldly and after me asking several times he said he was feeling I would hurt him and wanted to protect himself.


    Yeah...when guys say this it usually means "I'm doing it to you, but I don't want you to do it to me because I like the power trip too much."

    Regardless if the relationship's that stressful...just end it. What's he bringing to the table that's worth spinning your tires for?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2015 12:57 AM GMT
    Apparently, his hormones are having a spell and you're not being able to quench his thirst or fantasy.
    He's clearing sticking his pole in the water to see what bites.
    You, my friend need a new fishing hole.

    One of the best ways to keep your man faithful is to keep one of his pie holes full... and often at that.
    I think perhaps if you really want to know what's up...
    Quit calling and texting.
    If you love him, set him free. If he makes the first move and comes back, he's yours. If not, well then.. he never was.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2015 1:00 AM GMT
    Radd saidNo, you're not being paranoid. The big red flag that's waving in front of your face ---> "After a few days I noticed he started adding some guys not related to any of the places he usually goes - all of them gay, fit, not related to each other." And.....he blocked you so you wouldn't see them. icon_neutral.gif

    You've already tried politely bringing it to his attention and all that got you was blocked. Personally, I'd leave this guy as I don't think he's going to be honest with you even if you had a sit-down talk with him. Cheating and lying always go together because if you don't have the integrity to be faithful, you're not going to have the integrity to tell the truth when confronted. So you can have a sit-down talk with him but you're most likely only going to get more lies.

    If you insist on staying with him, you should send friend requests to all of these guys in question. After all....isn't that what Facebook is about? Check out his reaction then!

    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2015 2:23 AM GMT
    I tried to make up reasons for his behaviors, but I failed; I csnt think of any good reasons for those actions.

    Treating the other you coldly, that's actually a red light too. You just don't treat the person that you love that way.

    He might have forgottem all the good things you have done to him or he doesn't actually know how to appeciate your actions. Either way, I hope you'll get your answers as soon as possible.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2015 2:44 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    If you love him, set him free. If he makes the first move and comes back, he's yours. If not, well then.. he never was.


    So very well put.
  • jeep334

    Posts: 408

    May 22, 2015 3:13 AM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    If you love him, set him free. If he makes the first move and comes back, he's yours. If not, well then.. he never was.


    So very well put.


    +100 icon_cool.gif