A single gay man's perspective

  • beaujangle

    Posts: 1701

    May 25, 2015 4:12 AM GMT
    I know this is controversial but I see his point of view

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    May 25, 2015 4:48 AM GMT
    I'm a single gay man and enjoy life way more than he ever could...because I embrace my singularity and wouldn't trade it for the world.

    Although I must say, I do have a few "straight" (err, bi-curious) guys with whom I fool around with regularly. And from my perspective of sexual pleasure, that keeps me sexually satisfied more than any monogamous partner ever has.

    This dude needs to get off the damn internet and get in the real world. That's where you find people you can connect with on any level you wish...monogamous, polygamous, polyamorous, or total sluttiness. It worked for me; it's worked for billions before me; and it will continue to work for anyone else until robots take over the world (good luck with that).
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    May 25, 2015 6:01 AM GMT
    The guy is right.

    Point #1: Gay community is so small that it's hard to find a match among so few people. If you go to a big liberal city like NYC your options will increase but then you have to deal with point #2: gays don't like to commit. Well some do, but it's rare. And even commited relationships are often "open" meaning they have sex with other people.

    So basically if you are a guy that likes to fool around only, or have open relationships then you perfectly fit in the gay world, and the bigger the city the better. But if you like other type of relatioships (more traditional?) then good luck finding another guy that matches your personality + that you share physical attraction with + he wants to commit.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 25, 2015 7:23 AM GMT
    David666k saidThe guy is right.

    Point #1: Gay community is so small that it's hard to find a match among so few people. If you go to a big liberal city like NYC your options will increase but then you have to deal with point #2: gays don't like to commit. Well some do, but it's rare. And even commited relationships are often "open" meaning they have sex with other people.

    So basically if you are a guy that likes to fool around only, or have open relationships then you perfectly fit in the gay world, and the bigger the city the better. But if you like other type of relatioships (more traditional?) then good luck finding another guy that matches your personality + that you share physical attraction with + he wants to commit.

    I've grown comfortable with saying I'm happier being single than with the wrong guy. I actually regret getting into a couple of longer term relationships, because I have to wonder if maybe I missed out on the right guy by jumping into a relationship too fast. Live and learn. Unfortunately, some lessons come to late.
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    May 25, 2015 7:54 AM GMT
    I think that the most gay men would agree and like this video. But I think he didn't mention 1 important thing in the video. Most gay guys are single by *Choice*. Whatever you want to call it, not wanting to commit, sleep around, had a painful break up in the past. It contributes to it. I definitely fell for the wrong guys in the past and i should have listen more to my instincts. But yeah, You live and learn, make mistakes and learn from it. Somehow this topic reminds of that Final episode of Sex and the City Season 4 when Mr. Big moved to CA and Carrie stayed in NYC. To quote from that episode, **People change, season change, without our mistakes and choices, what would shape our lives and if you're lucky enough, you can always visit that special someone, just a plane ride away??*. Lol, I'm getting sappy now. I guess I felt glad and fortunate to be in those previous relationships, it taught me what I want and don't want. Seriously though, being single now, I just don't tolerate any weird crap as before. I'm more in tune with my instincts. But yeah I'd encourage guys who haven't been in a relationship to just go for it, it's better to love and Lost than not experience it at all. icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 25, 2015 8:19 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    David666k saidThe guy is right.

    Point #1: Gay community is so small that it's hard to find a match among so few people. If you go to a big liberal city like NYC your options will increase but then you have to deal with point #2: gays don't like to commit. Well some do, but it's rare. And even commited relationships are often "open" meaning they have sex with other people.

    So basically if you are a guy that likes to fool around only, or have open relationships then you perfectly fit in the gay world, and the bigger the city the better. But if you like other type of relatioships (more traditional?) then good luck finding another guy that matches your personality + that you share physical attraction with + he wants to commit.

    I've grown comfortable with saying I'm happier being single than with the wrong guy. I actually regret getting into a couple of longer term relationships, because I have to wonder if maybe I missed out on the right guy by jumping into a relationship too fast. Live and learn. Unfortunately, some lessons come to late.


    Your experience prooves that's very difficult to match with "the right guy" in the gay world and many feel they have to settle down with the one that's available instead than with the one they want. The lack of options/numbers is a huge factor. This situation leads to the insecurities you previously mentioned (am I wasting my time? its better to be single than with the wrong guy, etc).

    In a perfect gay world 80% of the population would be gay and people would have so many choices that finding a true match would be a lo of easier.

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    May 25, 2015 8:23 AM GMT
    LAXWill10 saidI think that the most gay men would agree and like this video. But I think he didn't mention 1 important thing in the video. Most gay guys are single by *Choice*. Whatever you want to call it, not wanting to commit, sleep around, had a painful break up in the past. It contributes to it. I definitely fell for the wrong guys in the past and i should have listen more to my instincts. But yeah, You live and learn, make mistakes and learn from it. Somehow this topic reminds of that Final episode of Sex and the City Season 4 when Mr. Big moved to CA and Carrie stayed in NYC. To quote from that episode, **People change, season change, without our mistakes and choices, what would shape our lives and if you're lucky enough, you can always visit that special someone, just a plane ride away??*. Lol, I'm getting sappy now. I guess I felt glad and fortunate to be in those previous relationships, it taught me what I want and don't want. Seriously though, being single now, I just don't tolerate any weird crap as before. I'm more in tune with my instincts. But yeah I'd encourage guys who haven't been in a relationship to just go for it, it's better to love and Lost than not experience it at all. icon_biggrin.gif


    Honestly I dont think anybody wants to grow old alone, you might be happy as a single guy now that you're in your 30s and wanted but both things will probably change in a few decades.

    Old gays are single just because they can't find a partner - not because they want to be single. Old men ussualy chase younger gays that ignore them or go after guys that look way better than them, so it's quite difficult they find a significant other. Also in the 20s, 30's, 40's and even 50's gay men don't really commit (like you and the previous posters) so by the time they're 60 they're alone and their looks are gone.

    I'm sure old gays would like to have a partner, a life companion and sex but what they can actually get (old guys like themselves) won't fit their expectations so instead they jerk off to jock pictures on the internet. That's how the gay world works in general and the reason there are so many gay singles at all stages of life.

  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    May 25, 2015 8:43 AM GMT
    This is not controversial, it's been said over and over, even by guys on this site. The guy in the OP, like many guys, is *waiting* for that "magical" "butterflies" kind of feeling. If we all wait for that to happen, surely we'll die alone.

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    May 25, 2015 12:23 PM GMT
    I keep hearing most gay men are single, but then I open these dating apps, and all I see are guys in relationship or married. Even in gay bars, I meet more couples than single men. Where are these single guys? Really!
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    May 25, 2015 5:03 PM GMT
    What a joke ... hot guys whining about being single when they have a line outside their door of less than 10's.
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    May 25, 2015 5:47 PM GMT
    He is so cute!I have been with my man for almost 5 years.When I decided to get into a relationship I realized for a variety of reasons that I needed to change some aspects of my personality.Some people cannot do that.I think personality has a lot more to do with loneliness than avg looks.How long are you going to stay in a relationship with a smoking hot nasty asshole?Most of us would rather be with an avg looking sweetheart.Looks fade,dicks can go limp,hair falls out but a good heart usually lasts.
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    May 25, 2015 6:14 PM GMT
    That gays have a smaller number too choose from I agree, that "gays" can't or don't want to commit, that is debateble; he's painting everyone with the same brush based on sexuality, truth is many want to commit, many don't like or even try the party and gay hook up culture, too dangerous and immature on many levels,maybe if he tried to join a group of sports or something instead of looking for gays at bars or websites lol there's a lot of str8 ppl that don't want to commit nor get together... if ever do, I don't deny its more common on homosexuals given the simple fact that such life style it's the most obvious door but there's always the outnumber problem too
    ...He's fucking cute... damm...

    I once talked to my philosophy teacher about how very few people ever truly grow up, I think most people that live such common life will have a even bigger problem on doing so...if they don't grow up how can they work on a relationship...relationships brings a lot of happiness and comfort if you love that person vise versa but there's always a lot of work involved that most are not equipped to
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    May 25, 2015 6:31 PM GMT
    I think some of the things he says are a bit generalized about being single in the gay community

    Edit: what happened to the rest of my long post? icon_confused.gif
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    May 25, 2015 8:18 PM GMT
    I don't see how this could possibly be controversial as it is so obvious.
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    May 25, 2015 11:05 PM GMT
    If one really wants a relationship, you have to have patience and understand that it's not easy to find a good match. Second, you've got to realize that perfection is something that cannot be obtained and that a good match for you is going to have some flaws.

    While it is accurate that some guys don't want to commit, at the same time, there are plenty who do and set standards that are impossibly high to meet. A lot of guys only want handsome, sculpted bodied models who make six figures.
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    May 25, 2015 11:24 PM GMT
    James_Thunder_Early saidIf one really wants a relationship, you have to have patience and understand that it's not easy to find a good match. Second, you've got to realize that perfection is something that cannot be obtained and that a good match for you is going to have some flaws.

    While it is accurate that some guys don't want to commit, at the same time, there are plenty who do and set standards that are impossibly high to meet. A lot of guys only want handsome, sculpted bodied models who make six figures.


    I think that's true, but a more prevalent issue is that most gay men are at best ambivalent about relationships and it is so easy to find anonymous sex.
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    May 26, 2015 12:13 AM GMT
    Gay men, in my personal experiences, are nothing more than straight up players! There, I said it. You can call me fed up, whatever helps you sleep at night. Why keep the balls God gave you to honour the sense of manhood, if there is no intent to use them??

    Another reason why most gay men are single? When you meet someone of your caliber, honour the said balls God gave you, grow a backbone & make it work! Take your ego off of the table & put that best foot forward! Shacking up with garbage, thinking you can spin gold out of it, not only makes the matters worse, it makes you look like a coward who doesn't love himself(:

    Next to alcohol, it makes me sick & tired of hearing gay men use love as the basis for bad behaviour, like it's some sort of a disease you catch. If love has your mind that warped, it would make others act right (i.e., keep your ass at home). In other words, love should've brought that ass home but it's the head that keeps them out. One guy I've been somewhat fond of tried to hand me an excuse for his actions and I had to ask him what did he think he could tell me about "love". His "apology" was just that, sorry, tired and wack. And anyone can say that all gay men are not the same; but the more I try to see that picture, the more I embrace my frigid side, because I believe all of what I see before my 2 eyes.

    I could turn myself into a male version of Robin Givens' Jacqueline Broyer (Eddie Murphy's Boomerang) and start playing gay men the way that I got played, but who has the energy for that?
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    May 26, 2015 1:05 AM GMT
    i thought the video was whinny.

    i waited till i was 40 years old before doing a serious relationship. I did not feel i was ready till than. Not for everyone tho but i felt i had made a choice with my life.

    I originally wanted to find someone with the same interests as myself. Wound up with someone completely different from myself. It is complex but opposites attract? We put each other in the loop on most everything; likely we will see things from a completely different angles.
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    May 26, 2015 1:11 AM GMT
    David666k saidThe guy is right.

    Point #1: Gay community is so small that it's hard to find a match among so few people. If you go to a big liberal city like NYC your options will increase but then you have to deal with point #2: gays don't like to commit. Well some do, but it's rare. And even commited relationships are often "open" meaning they have sex with other people.

    So basically if you are a guy that likes to fool around only, or have open relationships then you perfectly fit in the gay world, and the bigger the city the better. But if you like other type of relatioships (more traditional?) then good luck finding another guy that matches your personality + that you share physical attraction with + he wants to commit.


    Sorry to burst you bubble...gay men to commit, but generally once they find someone to spend their life we no longer hand out at bars, circuit parties, etc etc. they simple enjoy life as a couple.

    Also, those guys who say they can't find a guy...should look in the mirror...that is where the issue lies...into the reason they are single.
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    May 26, 2015 1:46 AM GMT
    He said as much as he didn't want to "commit," and he wants to "spread his seed around" with as many other guys as possible. That, and the fact that he is way under 30, are why he's single. He wants at this stage in his life to be single and available more than he wants to settle down. Like Laxwill said, he, and most other young gay guys are, single by choice. Which is fine - It's fun to sow the wild oats. As they get older, if they want to settle down, there will be guys out there that want to be with them (at least in urban areas in the US).
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    May 26, 2015 1:51 PM GMT
    This video is actually quite accurate.
    Of course there are always the exceptions but generally speaking it's really quite true.

    Yes if you count the total number of men that identify themselves as gay in the world, it seems like it's a large amount of people.
    However you divide that amongst all the countries in the world and each country will actually have quite a small gay population.

    Also I do agree that this isn't really news, and it may just seems like it because it's not common for people to just say it outright like it is.

    DTOBIN2013Sorry to burst you bubble...gay men to commit, but generally once they find someone to spend their life we no longer hand out at bars, circuit parties, etc etc. they simple enjoy life as a couple.

    Also, those guys who say they can't find a guy...should look in the mirror...that is where the issue lies...into the reason they are single.


    I believe there are the odd exceptions but I don't think it's really as simple as what you say.
    Even throughout the forums here, there have been numerous stories about guys who are in relationships finding them by chance from hooking up, so there was never really an intention for a relationship it just ended that way.

    For others though, yes often it can stem from issues within the actual person, but you also have to wonder why these particular issues plague soooo many gay men.
    It's not just an odd few but it has become in some ways part of the stereotype of an average gay man.

    Preferring hook ups, no intention to commit, afraid of commitment, superficial attraction being most important, flakiness, prevalence of open relationships as opposed to committed monogamous relationships etc.

    It's much more common that a gay man wanting an actual relationship is found more within men much older.
    This whole 'sowing ones oats' or so to speak is always encouraged and it just so happens that by the time a gay man gets over that phase for whatever reason, he is considerably older... but then older gay men don't want older gay men they want younger gay men as partners.
    They pretty much want someone they would have hooked up with back in their youth, but as a partner now instead of a hook up.

    Generally speaking of course, not saying ALL older gay men are like this, but it is a common theme of older gay men only pining for younger gay men.

    Aside from older gay men, just gay men in general some would say the overall issue might be them being too picky.
    Like what the guy said in the video, physical attractiveness for almost all gay men is always a major factor simply because they won't even talk to you if they don't at least have some sort of sexual interest in you, and that always stems from the person's looks.
    It's only after you seem somewhat 'fuckable' in their minds that they then put an effort to speak to you and get to know you.

    Anyway I'm just rambling now.
    Also I'm not aiming this specifically at you, just saying all this in general and also in the sense that this isn't ALL gay men, just something I've noticed seems to be common at least where I live.
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    May 27, 2015 6:51 AM GMT
    For a moment I thought the guy in the video was Patrick94
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Jun 06, 2015 7:51 PM GMT
    The idea that the gay dating pool is smaller than the str8 dating pool is obviously true. In practice, though, if you live in any of the major metro areas, the number of guys willing to date is so high that the pool size per se is not a matter of any practical gravity.

    It is also true that a few guys out there who are single and are bemoaning this fact, usually have all of their many criteria set in stone. This leaves this other, ideal guy with no say, and no choice but to comply, and march to the drums of his partner. By far, most guys do not agree with such arrangements. Few people wish to be the puppets of the others.

    If you seek a relationship, be prepared to put quite a number of things on the table. Remember that this other dude has to have an equal say if you want to have a symmetrical, working relationship.

    SC