Every gay MALE couple I know is in an open relationship....

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    May 28, 2015 1:22 AM GMT
    Is this every male couple's fate? "Sleep with who you want and then come home to me"
    1. Is sex so meaningful that we have to have it with as many hot guys as we can?

    Or

    2. Is it so meaningless that we might as well have it with any hot guy we can?

    Or

    3. Are we making up for all the lost sex we didn't have in our teens?

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    May 28, 2015 1:26 AM GMT
    I do wonder also?

    A few couples ask if I want to join in? Is the new relationship the triangle of love? I say bring back polygamy for all the straight people and let gays get married too and maybe have more than one husband? What's that called an orgy?? hahaa

    P.S.

    I had more sex when I was a teen than I do now!! lol
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    May 28, 2015 1:28 AM GMT
    most mongamous gay couples pretty much avoid gay people as much as possible, so you probably dont see them.
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    May 28, 2015 1:55 AM GMT
    http://www.towleroad.com/2015/05/dan-savage-makes-a-compelling-argument-against-sexual-monogamy-watch.html

    Bill: He's thinking, long live the difference. In fact, that's the essence of this. Without sex, your genes wouldn't live long at all.


    Dan: We are not a naturally monogamous species. We are a pair bonding species.


    http://www.livescience.com/32146-are-humans-meant-to-be-monogamous.html
    Are Humans Meant to Be Monogamous?

    Only 3 percent to 5 percent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong, monogamous bonds , with the loyal superstars including beavers, wolves and some bats.

    Social monogamy is a term referring to creatures that pair up to mate and raise offspring but still have flings. Sexually monogamous pairs mate with only with one partner.

    Some scientists view both social and sexual monogamy in humans as a societal structure rather than a natural state.

    "I don't think we are a monogamous animal," said Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle. "A really monogamous animal is a goose – which never mates again even if its mate is killed."

    She added, "Monogamy is invented for order and investment – but not necessarily because it's 'natural.'"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2015 2:08 AM GMT
    not every gay male couple is in an open relationship. there are guys out there who are not.
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    May 28, 2015 2:09 AM GMT
    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK97287/
    Studies of voles have produced an exciting hypothesis that suggests pair bond formation is regulated by the same brain regions involved in the actions of drugs of abuse. These so-called reward circuits are regions of the brain that regulate feelings of pleasure and reward. These regions are activated by a neurotransmitter called dopamine, which is increased in the brain after taking cocaine and amphetamines. Those experiencing love often report feelings of euphoria when intimate with their partners, and these feelings are often reported as being similar to being “high.” There is some scientific evidence that these reward circuits may in fact be involved in the psychobiology of love. One study examined brain activation in people while viewing photographs of someone to whom the subject reported being deeply in love. Brain activity was also determined while these same subjects viewed photographs of other familiar individuals. The authors reported that viewing photographs of their lovers elicited brain activation that was remarkably similar to that seen in other studies after drug consumption (Bartels and Zeki, 2000). This suggests that perhaps similar neural circuits are used to facilitate pair bonding in voles and humans. Perhaps the saying “love is an addiction” has biological support.

    The biological basis of the pair bond in humans may change with time. In the early years of a relationship, love is experienced as an incredibly intense sensation that often drives the behavior of the individual. People experience a euphoria that may be similar to that experienced by drugs of addiction, and this experience undoubtedly has a specific neurochemistry underlying it. The individuals in these relationships are consumed by thoughts of being with their partner, often at the expense of other relationships. However, often in later years of a marriage, the nature of this bond changes and becomes less visceral and more a relationship of codependence. Perhaps for our primitive ancestors, the transition between these two types of love, which would occur after the offspring of the relationship are less dependent on the mother, would mark the dissolution of the relationship. However, for modern humans it is desirable to remain together in marriage as long as possible. Perhaps through understanding the neurobiology of the pair bond and how it is regulated, we may be able to discover strategies to maintain and reinvigorate the pair bond in couples, ultimately leading to strengthening of the nuclear family.


    so monogamy = addiction?
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    May 28, 2015 2:18 AM GMT
    http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15332691.2014.953649
    Monogamy Agreements in Male Same-Sex Couples: Associations With Relationship Quality and Individual Well-Being
    Published online: 22 Jan 2015

    In this study, the authors explored whether type of sexual agreement (for monogamy, unrestricted nonmonogamy, or restricted nonmonogamy) is associated with the relationship quality and psychological well-being of men in same-sex relationships. A geographically diverse sample of 219 U.S. men in cohabiting same-sex relationships reported on sexual agreement type, several relationship characteristics central to long-term couple health, and two indices of psychological well-being (depressive symptoms and internalized heterosexism). Results indicated no differences by sexual agreement type in the majority of indices of relationship health, including self-reported relationship satisfaction, hostile conflict, felt constraint, confidence in the relationship, and perceived instability. There were also no group differences in depressive symptoms or internalized heterosexism. However, men in relationships with nonmonogamous agreements reported higher perceived quality of alternatives to their relationship and lower dedication commitment than did those with monogamous agreements. These findings add to a growing literature suggesting that male same-sex relationships that adopt nonmonogamous agreements can be quite healthy and happy but raise the possibility that nonmonogamy may create some vulnerability to long-term couple stability by raising attractiveness of alternatives to the relationship and lowering commitment.
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    May 28, 2015 2:22 AM GMT
    in the grand scheme of things, what is most important is between you and your partner.

    it doesn't matter if you and your partner are monogamous and "everyone" else isn't. likewise, it doesn't matter if you and your partner aren't monogamous and "everyone" else is.

    it doesn't matter what other people do. what matters is the communication YOU have with YOUR partner. don't want to be in a monogamous relationship? tell your partner (or soon to be partner) that. do you want to be in one? then tell your partner (or soon to be partner) the same thing.
  • collegedude12

    Posts: 75

    May 28, 2015 2:46 AM GMT
    like willular said it's all about what you and your partner want. i'm in a monogamous relationship and my bf and i wouldnt want it any other way. not cos its wrong, but its just wrong for us. other people have different feelings on it though. we can look at hot guys and think damn those dudes are hot af but we dont act on that. sometimes i feel guilty just responding to some of the dirty messages i get on here lol and all i say is i'm taken sorry. it's whatever is right for u. i dont know any other gay couples so idk if its the "norm" but if you want monogamy, there are deff other gay dudes out there who want that too
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    May 28, 2015 2:55 AM GMT
    I have also pondered on the question lately. It is such a widespread concept in the gay culture.
    Like, am I repressed or heteronormative by not wanting to buy into it?
    What is the point of being together if I can give myself freely to someone else? What if I have better chemistry with a hookup? What about STDs or HIV?
    Just too many parameters to consider for me...So, Yeah...
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    May 28, 2015 3:19 AM GMT
    https://tspace.library.utoronto.ca/handle/1807/42646
    An Examination of Monogamy Values Among Gay Men and the Influence of Masculine Gender Conformity
    20-Nov-2013
    Monogamy values and the influence of masculine conformity were examined using a sample of 154 gay men within the Greater Toronto Area. Monogamy values were measured on four dimensions: emotional monogamy, sexual monogamy, perceptions of monogamy as relationship-enhancing and perceptions of monogamy as a sacrifice. Gay men generally found monogamy to be enhancing, however, they tended to value emotional monogamy more than sexual monogamy...
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    May 28, 2015 4:11 AM GMT
    Open relationships are based from variety of reasons. As long as they are consenting adults, our opinions matter very little whether or not it's going to last.

    For an open relationship to work, both parties not only must communicate but also acknowledge that there are consequences that comes with it. It can work, but only with the right individuals.
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    May 28, 2015 4:13 AM GMT
    Honestly, I think *open relationship can work for some but not all. When a guy wants a *open thing, it means he's either bored or can't get it at home. Lol or he's just afraid of complete total commitment. I mean, when I was with my ex and when we were having problems, I started to fantasize about having sex with other dudes. I never follow through it, I've done it after we were completely broken up. So, in a way, I think having a *open relationship is just an invitation to Break Up land in the not so distance future. I could be wrong. !! icon_twisted.gif
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    May 28, 2015 4:27 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    woodfordr saidIs this every male couple's fate? "Sleep with who you want and then come home to me"
    1. Is sex so meaningful that we have to have it with as many hot guys as we can?
    Or
    2. Is it so meaningless that we might as well have it with any hot guy we can?
    Or
    3. Are we making up for all the lost sex we didn't have in our teens?

    I'm guessing you don't have a lot of long term relationship experience to speak of, woodfordr? Once you find yourself in one and you've been monogamous for a year or longer you may get the urge to play with someone new.


    Complete bullshit. Not all men are as promiscuous as you, to the point of catching serious stds.
    OP: not all guys are the same, many want monogamous relationsips but like someone above said they are off the spotlight, that's why you don't see them but they exist.
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    May 28, 2015 4:35 AM GMT
    David666k said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    woodfordr saidIs this every male couple's fate? "Sleep with who you want and then come home to me"
    1. Is sex so meaningful that we have to have it with as many hot guys as we can?
    Or
    2. Is it so meaningless that we might as well have it with any hot guy we can?
    Or
    3. Are we making up for all the lost sex we didn't have in our teens?

    I'm guessing you don't have a lot of long term relationship experience to speak of, woodfordr? Once you find yourself in one and you've been monogamous for a year or longer you may get the urge to play with someone new.


    Complete bullshit. Not all men are as promiscuous as you, to the point of catching life threatening stds.
    OP: not all guys are the same, many want monogamous relationsips but like someone above said they are off the spotlight, that's why you don't see them but they exist.


    Uhh, MMTM is not generalizing. The word highlighted above is key, he didn't say it "will". In a bigger scheme of things, MMTM presented a situation where it does happen, and (sometimes happen successfully).
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    May 28, 2015 4:54 AM GMT
    http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681994.2014.976997

    The association of an open relationship orientation with health and happiness in a sample of older US adults
    Sexual and Relationship Therapy
    Volume 30, Issue 1, 2015
    Special Issue: Sexuality and Aging
    Received: 2 Jun 2014
    Accepted: 10 Oct 2014
    Published online: 18 Nov 2014

    Sexual activity over the life course is strongly associated with better health and greater personal happiness, yet the sexuality of aging adults has been a neglected topic. There is a lack of research on those with a consensually non-exclusive sexual relationship style regardless of age. This research examines whether such an orientation has positive effects on sexual frequency, health and personal happiness, and how this might inform counselors and therapists providing services to older adults. The authors collected 502 responses via an online survey from individuals aged 55 and older residing in the United States who engage in consensually non-exclusive sexual relationships. Self-reported health and happiness, number of sexual partners, and sexual frequency were compared with 723 similar respondents from the nationally-representative 2012 United States (US) General Social Survey. Key findings were: irrespective of formal relationship status, the non-exclusive sample reported significantly more sexual partners, more sexual frequency, better health, and were much more likely to have had an HIV test than the general US population; the non-exclusive sample also reported being significantly happier than the general population, with the exception of married men, who reported being as happy as the general population sample; and regression analyses suggest that the factors which predict better health and happiness differ between the general population and those who participate in consensually non-exclusive sexual relationships. In summary, this study examines sexuality among the healthy aging population. Participation (or interest in participation), in consensual non-exclusive sexual relationship styles can be rewarding and contribute to personal health and happiness, as much as or more than monogamous marriages.
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    May 28, 2015 5:07 AM GMT
    http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2012.02712.x/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false
    Unfaithful Individuals are Less Likely to Practice Safer Sex Than Openly Nonmonogamous Individuals

    The Journal of Sexual Medicine
    Volume 9, Issue 6, pages 1559–1565, June 2012

    Sexually unfaithful participants demonstrated significantly lower rates of protective sexual health behaviors both within their primary partnerships and during their extradyadic sexual encounters. Sexually unfaithful participants were also less likely to engage in frequent STI testing, and less likely to discuss safer sex concerns with new partners
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    May 28, 2015 5:16 AM GMT
    http://gradworks.umi.com/36/44/3644027.html
    Dissertations & Theses - Gradworks
    Relational Satisfaction in Long-Term, Non-monogamous, Heterosexual Relationships

    by Tahler, Heather, Psy.D., THE CHICAGO SCHOOL OF PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGY, 2015

    Abstract:

    Objectives: Study was designed to explore questions examining relational satisfaction in long-term non-monogamous heterosexual couples in comparison to relational satisfaction in long-term sexually monogamous heterosexual couples, as well as gain insight into whom those involved in non-monogamous relationships disclose to and the potential stigma felt by this disclosure. Demographic variables were also explored to see if any prediction of marital satisfaction occurred.

    Methods: Both long-term sexually monogamous and long-term sexually non-monogamous participants responded to a secure online survey. The survey consisted of informed consent, inclusion criteria, ENRICH marital satisfaction scale (Fowers and Olson 1993) items, and open-ended questions for items not assessed by the ENRICH scale alone.

    Results: After checking for univariate normality and outliers and assessing missing value patterns, results show that both the Marital Satisfaction and Idealistic Distortion scales were reliable. The findings in the study revealed that relationship type did not have a significant impact on marital satisfaction or idealistic distortion, with similar levels of satisfaction and idealistic distortion in both monogamous and non-monogamous couples. The results also demonstrated, through linear regression for demographic variables, that only income level significantly predicted marital satisfaction. After qualitative data was coded, there were many themes found within both monogamous and non-monogamous couples.

    Conclusions: Data supports the original hypothesis that there was very little difference in marital satisfaction between monogamous and non-monogamous heterosexual couples. With these results, non-monogamy is a more viable relationship option than previously recognized for couples that are interested, and it is necessary to create models to work with these couples. Developing further research within this population specifically is also necessary for the future.


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    May 28, 2015 5:34 AM GMT
    I always think that gays who have open relationship are the gays who date another person simply for one reason, gay, due to the urge of settle down and limited choice of boyfriend material in gay circle. They overlook their partner from other aspects like personality, characteristic, life goal and mindset. So when the relationship is in trouble, they establish open relationship by rejoin those hookup app to hit on strangers to have sex. Will it helps to enhance the gay relationship? Yes, I think so, but not for a very long time. Well, not for gay marriage I guess.
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    May 28, 2015 6:20 AM GMT
    Open relationships are basically about having an emotional connection to one person, but still wanting to play around physically. This works for some people and I think some guys just accept it to have a partner.

    With that said, I think monogamy works best for those who find someone that they have such good relations with, that they are going to be fulfilled being with only that person. If the right guy snags you and the chemistry is off the charts, it's possible to be fulfilled just by being with him.

    Monogamy cannot be forced, and it shouldn't, but monogamy definitely is possible and I don't think it's abnormal at all.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    May 28, 2015 2:03 PM GMT
    OP, I can understand where you are coming from. Whenever I looked on apps on Grindr or Scruff or Jacked, a lot of the guys there are labeled "partnered" or in an open relationship and while I don't think it's wrong, it makes me wonder if monogamy is a rare concept in the gay community. But then like someone else mentioned, it's most likely because the monogamous couples don't advertise themselves on those sites so really, it just depends.
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    May 28, 2015 2:11 PM GMT
    Apparition saidmost mongamous gay couples pretty much avoid gay people as much as possible, so you probably dont see them.

    +1
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    May 28, 2015 2:16 PM GMT
    James_Thunder_Early saidMonogamy cannot be forced, and it shouldn't, but monogamy definitely is possible and I don't think it's abnormal at all.

    +1
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    May 28, 2015 2:48 PM GMT
    James_Thunder_Early said...I think monogamy works best for those who find someone that they have such good relations with, that they are going to be fulfilled being with only that person. If the right guy snags you and the chemistry is off the charts, it's possible to be fulfilled just by being with him.

    Monogamy cannot be forced, and it shouldn't, but monogamy definitely is possible and I don't think it's abnormal at all.


    People are free to live how they want to live. What is typical, however of serial monogamist proselytizers is this propensity many of you seem to have to attempt elevating the status of monogamy over open relationships when the research data shows that open relationships are as healthy if not healthier than closed relationships for those who enjoy them.

    You'll note that unless citing actual research, you'll rarely see the opposite: you don't see people in open relationships putting down people in closed relationships. They hardly ever mention the cheating that goes on in supposed monogamy. They rarely if ever mention the jealousies and insecurities that might be inherent to closed relationships, the lack of trust, the lack even of variation. How many guys in open relationships are checking the cell call lists of their lovers' phones?

    You'll hardly ever notice someone who has no objection to open relationships note how a closed relationship can require what is essentially rape by people engaging in sexual activity that might not really even turn them on, just to keep a partner. Because the rule of a closed relationship is that you can't satisfy sexual aspects of yourself outside that relationship.

    You'll rarely if ever see someone who has no issues with open relationships feel the need to recruit others into open relationships because, frankly, neither do they give a flying fuck what others do, nor do they need the validation of a crowd doing the same thing to make them feel comfortable with their relationships.

    How curious then that it is the guys in closed relationships who always put down open relationships, who always recruit for monogamy, who, even when they attempt to consider that maybe the research is correct, that people in open relationships can be just as happy, if not happier than those in closed relationships, that even then they tend to say stuff like "they have such good relations with, that they are going to be fulfilled being with only that person" to try and justify their false sense of superiority.
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    May 28, 2015 2:57 PM GMT
    pellaz said
    Apparition saidmost mongamous gay couples pretty much avoid gay people as much as possible, so you probably dont see them.

    +1


    Bingo.

    We've tried to do the opposite, though, and be very visible for all of those who think monogamy doesn't exist or work out.

    It most certainly does.