discussion of infadality

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2015 6:07 PM GMT
    gay or straight relationships are the same.

    nothing grand here, just off toweroad.com
    here is a link to the page, the video is at the bottom, the video is long but the format is not that bad:
    http://www.towleroad.com/2015/05/perel.html

    my notes:
    i deserve to be happy so i should cheat
    infidelity says your not the special one, not the best friend, not a confidant…
    not choosing to immediately dump the cheater is the new shame
    not so much about the other partner but the cheater is looking for another self; death and bad news raise personal doubt.
    if one puts a tenth of the effort in to the relationship that is required for cheating things would be better off
    the cheater needs to feel gilt for what he did to the relationship not just his partner
    what was it like for you the cheater when you came home after the affair
    what was it for you that you could not have done with me
    are you pleased its now over
    what do you think the legacy of the affair will be for you, for your partner
    my first marriage is over now, would i like to create a 2nd one together with the same person??

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    May 29, 2015 9:32 PM GMT
    If a monogamous guy puts up with a cheating boyfriend, he either needs to re prioritize what he wants or open his relationship up.

    But seriously, you're just going to get answers along the lines of "Men are not programed to be monogamous and must spread their seed." I personally find it BS since men do have the ability to have willpower & restraint but some things can't be helped. But I do think cheaters are selfish if they are that resistant to either talking with their partner with whatever issues they are having or just ending it and then going on a sex quest.

    This is why I feel that if a cheater needs more than one person to have sex with, he should look for people looking for poly-relationships or other "open-relationship" minded individuals. I doubt he'd have that much trouble. Or am I wrong?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2015 2:14 AM GMT
    BloodFlame saidIf a monogamous guy puts up with a cheating boyfriend, he either needs to re prioritize what he wants or open his relationship up.

    But seriously, you're just going to get answers along the lines of "Men are not programed to be monogamous and must spread their seed." I personally find it BS since men do have the ability to have willpower & restraint but some things can't be helped. But I do think cheaters are selfish if they are that resistant to either talking with their partner with whatever issues they are having or just ending it and then going on a sex quest.

    This is why I feel that if a cheater needs more than one person to have sex with, he should look for people looking for poly-relationships or other "open-relationship" minded individuals. I doubt he'd have that much trouble. Or am I wrong?



    Verily correct, mio amigo.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2015 7:53 AM GMT
    Funnily enough I just posted something on the forums addressing something similar.
    Instead of me retyping it I'll just copy and paste exactly what I said in that other thread.

    -------------
    I think it's extremely immature, stupid and lazy to use "genes" as a reason for cheating.
    News flash, science doesn't have to tell you that everybody has FREE WILL.

    For example, the notion of sacrifice and compromise.
    They are perfect examples of doing something that may not be necessarily what you want to do, but you CHOOSE to do them in order to achieve a success in something that will result later as opposed to immediately.
    This very thing is applied in all aspects of life be it work, career, family, friends, relationships, goals in life etc.

    There is NO GENE in your body that forces you beyond free will to cheat.
    To cheat is to choose to cheat and it's sooooooo fucking stupid that people who like to cheat or like to be on the down low use stupid excuses like "genes" to justify their actions and try removing the guilt.

    You're not BORN into a relationship with someone, you CHOOSE to be in one.
    You can easily make the choice to NOT cheat, or break up with them and find someone else, or DECIDE to be on the down low and cheat.
    It is not however a gene in your body that is beyond your control that supersedes free will because that is the most fucking ridiculous bullshit I've ever heard in my entire life.
    -------------

    That's pretty much how I feel about cheating and the excuse "programmed" or "genes" making us cheat.
    That to me has to be the most immature, pathetic scapegoat of an excuse I've ever heard.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2015 6:00 PM GMT
    -you can tag your partner for doing something really bad but life is long and given enough time you too will likely commit something worse.

    -you meet someone, fall in love and know him a few months, your investment is low. If it dosnt work out i would say; yes dump him.

    anyways my insignificant thoughts, like to read more if you want...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2015 8:31 PM GMT
    I think there is cheating and then there is cheating. a relationship needs trust and emotional intimacy. Physical monogamy is something the follows after those two. I'm not even sure that physical monogamy is totally necessary if the first two are intact. I've never done an open relationship so I don't know.
    If my man slept with someone else I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't break up with him necessarily. If he lied to me about it or was dating someone else the relationship would die.
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    May 31, 2015 9:47 PM GMT
    That was a problem before my 1st man and I became a couple. Then just a few months after we became a couple he cheated and I found out about it before he came home and he found out I knew before he came home. He came home prepared for the worse and didn't get it.

    I suppose part of it was we both had sons who were both seven at the time. But anyway, I took a different path to dealing with other than yelling, pouting and breaking up.

    First, I loved the jerk with all my heart. It hurt that he'd cheated but I really couldn't see throwing away everything I had with him just because he did something with his dick that didn't include me.

    Second, when he came in feeling all guilty and trying to apologize I told him there was nothing I could do to make him feel better about what he did and accepting an apology would be the same as giving him permission to stab me after I already had a knife in my chest.

    Third, I told him if he wanted to avoid feeling that way he either needed take a few days and decide if he really wanted to be in a relationship with me that would cause him to feel guilty if he had sex with someone else but I wasn't going to help him feel better about himself for doing it.

    And fourth, I told him I wasn't going to break up with him about him cheating because I cared too much for him. But I would break up with him if he kept making a liar out of himself about the commitment he made to me about not cheating.

    That cut it out for seven years. The boys were 14 the next time it happened. They noticed Steve didn't come home one night. They asked questions. They figured it out. Steve dragged in about 3 in the morning after they were asleep. The next morning his son read him the riot act about it and told him that if we broke up he was staying with me and my son and really put him on a guilt trip about it because before my son and I came into his life Steve left him with babysitters sometimes for entire weekends and he wasn't going back to that.

    Two or three days later he'd taken a hard look at reality, and never did it again.

    As great a guy as he was in all other respects I'd have put up with a lot more cheating than he did. I'd have been crazy to throw him out because as far as I was concerned cheating once in a while was a tiny flaw in an otherwise great and perfect man.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 01, 2015 1:39 AM GMT
    @Bobobobob

    That sounded like a very interesting way to handle things. I mean, I would probably would have left after the second time but well, you said you had kids and I suppose that would make things a little more complicated. Nevertheless, I'm happy that things worked out for you both in the end.

    But again, I really do think that "monogamy is not normal" is a really lame excuse, especially if you aren't monogamous-minded yet still get into a monogamous relationship. That's why I said that men (or women) who need to have more than one sexual partner, should seek out other like-minded people or find an open relationship. It's not fair to put a monogamous minded individual in a situation like that and just expect them to be okay with it.

    If my partner did cheat on me the first time, I probably would do what Bobobobob did and not break up but want him to take a few days and think if this is what he really wanted. However, if he did cheat on me again, I don't think I'd stay with him after that.

  • LuisG_82

    Posts: 37

    Jun 01, 2015 5:32 AM GMT
    Once I heard

    If I cheat once, it is my fault,
    If I cheat twice, then it is your fault.

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 01, 2015 4:05 PM GMT
    LuisG_82 saidOnce I heard

    If I cheat once, it is my fault,
    If I cheat twice, then it is your fault.



    Wow lol
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Jun 02, 2015 6:15 AM GMT
    BloodFlame said@Bobobobob

    That sounded like a very interesting way to handle things. I mean, I would probably would have left after the second time but well, you said you had kids and I suppose that would make things a little more complicated. Nevertheless, I'm happy that things worked out for you both in the end.

    But again, I really do think that "monogamy is not normal" is a really lame excuse, especially if you aren't monogamous-minded yet still get into a monogamous relationship. That's why I said that men (or women) who need to have more than one sexual partner, should seek out other like-minded people or find an open relationship. It's not fair to put a monogamous minded individual in a situation like that and just expect them to be okay with it.

    If my partner did cheat on me the first time, I probably would do what Bobobobob did and not break up but want him to take a few days and think if this is what he really wanted. However, if he did cheat on me again, I don't think I'd stay with him after that.


    Thanks Bloodflame.
    For me with Steve, it was looking at the pluses and minuses. The only minuses in our 23 years was that he cheated twice. That's the honest truth. He was a great all around guy.

    After the boys left for college we vacationed twice a year, travelled weekends for concerts, gay events, football games, or just to do it. Had I broken up with him just for cheating I'd have missed out on the great years with him.

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 03, 2015 1:17 AM GMT
    bobbobbob said
    BloodFlame said@Bobobobob

    That sounded like a very interesting way to handle things. I mean, I would probably would have left after the second time but well, you said you had kids and I suppose that would make things a little more complicated. Nevertheless, I'm happy that things worked out for you both in the end.

    But again, I really do think that "monogamy is not normal" is a really lame excuse, especially if you aren't monogamous-minded yet still get into a monogamous relationship. That's why I said that men (or women) who need to have more than one sexual partner, should seek out other like-minded people or find an open relationship. It's not fair to put a monogamous minded individual in a situation like that and just expect them to be okay with it.

    If my partner did cheat on me the first time, I probably would do what Bobobobob did and not break up but want him to take a few days and think if this is what he really wanted. However, if he did cheat on me again, I don't think I'd stay with him after that.


    Thanks Bloodflame.
    For me with Steve, it was looking at the pluses and minuses. The only minuses in our 23 years was that he cheated twice. That's the honest truth. He was a great all around guy.

    After the boys left for college we vacationed twice a year, travelled weekends for concerts, gay events, football games, or just to do it. Had I broken up with him just for cheating I'd have missed out on the great years with him.



    Well it just means that everything really did work out in the end and that's always a positive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2015 1:32 AM GMT
    what is fidelity? is it the physical or is it the emotional? Lots of people never get physical but have emotional infidelity, while other people have physical infidelity.

    This is a conversation ever couple should have and be fully honest and open and wants, desires and expectations.

    I want/demand emotionally fidelity over the physical fidelity. emotions are far stronger and deeper, than a mere physical hook up in my view.