Dating ANYONE

  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    May 31, 2015 2:48 PM GMT
    So at lunch today, I told a friend I'd never dated anyone before. he looked at me like i had just descended from a beam of light that shone down from a flying saucer.

    He proceeded to tell me how he'd dated soooo much in his childhood havign five sexual partners per year since he was !$

    I didn't believe him. There aren't that many ok-to-be-gay kids in school

    However, he said that they weren't kids. Some were his age. Some were 24 to 27 (while he was a teenager) and that getting with older people taught him a lot (sexually).

    I completely disagree and said that age is really a thing for me. One or two years doesn't matter, but if some thirty year old guy liked me it would be a definite 'no'. He aid I was being stupid because I did n't know if I'd never tried and should date ANYONE

    I disagree with this mentality. I've never dated anyone, but I'd rather be alone than settle for some old creep. I don't expect perfection, but rather have little things (don't be vapid, don't be uncommunicative, don't be shallow, don't be morbidly obese) which I think are perfectly rational prerequisites to have.

    Who do you think is right? Regardless of responses I still won't drop my afforementioned standards I just want to know what y'all on RJ think.
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    May 31, 2015 3:35 PM GMT
    You're 18?

    You still have 50% of your body hair left to grow.
    Enjoy the standards you have now.
    It's inevitable they'll mature as you do.
    The only way you can keep your standards from changing is to refuse to mature.
    In which case you'll meet the standards of very few who have matured.
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    May 31, 2015 3:49 PM GMT
    I agree with your friend. You need to lower your standards just a little bit. It annoys the shit out of me when gay men bitch about being alone but won't give people a chance.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    May 31, 2015 4:36 PM GMT
    I'm not talking about ridiculous standards here, I'm not asking for the unachievable. I think:

    Don't be vapid

    Don't be shallow

    Don't be morbidly overweight

    Talk to me

    Be a reasonable person

    Those are not things that I'm willing to let go of. I'm not going to sit with a stupid, self centered person that can't hold a conversation about anything other clothes/pop music/tv series. My own thoughts are more entertaining. I'm basically asking for a decent person. Not being overly demanding
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    May 31, 2015 11:52 PM GMT
    OP, I can sorta understand how you feel about not giving into your standards and lowering them but about the age thing, I'm in the middle. Personally, I find older men can be very attractive/appealing and if they are "young at heart" where they like to have fun and live life and not let age boggle them down, that's even more awesome.

    When I was 18, I swore that I'd never date anyone 10 years older than me because I felt it wouldn't work. When I was 19, I met a guy who was 53 but physically he was my type and his personality was likeable. We didn't really "date" but we were fwb and he was fun to be around. Unfortunately, he did ocme with the baggage of two ex-wives and 1 somewhat crazy ex-girlfriend and in the end, he wasn't feeling it but I digress. After that moment, I realized that age doesn't haveto be too rigid (for myself) so long as I like the guy.

    But if you're intent on dating guys around your age, just do what you think is right for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2015 1:27 AM GMT
    giodude said

    Who do you think is right?


    There is no "right." First, you are in South Africa, which has a totally different culture than for most of the guys on RJ.

    In the USA, it would be a little unusual (but not unheard of) for someone not to have dated at all by the time they were 18.

    But you are only 18. Only a few years from being an adolescent, and with 80% of your life still in front of you. (Or one could say, 99% of your adult life still in front of you.) Whenever you get around to dating will be OK for you. In the meantime, you have your right hand, porn, and your imagination to take care of any sexual needs.

    And you can stay away from those old wrinkled 24 year olds - they will only use you and corrupt you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2015 1:42 AM GMT
    giodude saidI'm not talking about ridiculous standards here, I'm not asking for the unachievable. I think:

    Don't be vapid

    Don't be shallow

    Don't be morbidly overweight

    Talk to me

    Be a reasonable person

    Those are not things that I'm willing to let go of. I'm not going to sit with a stupid, self centered person that can't hold a conversation about anything other clothes/pop music/tv series. My own thoughts are more entertaining. I'm basically asking for a decent person. Not being overly demanding


    That's your standards?!

    I think you need to raise them.
  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Jun 03, 2015 3:20 AM GMT
    That lunch mate smells like a rat.

    I think you are pretty much on track. As you grow and mature, you will have time to open your standards and experiment. But if you abandon them now you will have a hard time returning to them, and your feelings can get really hurt and confused. Follow your better judgment, and do not doubt your caution nor regret it.

    And find someone more truthful for lunch.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2015 2:49 PM GMT
    Trust your instinct, let no one get you into the mess as it may happen. You have a lot of years taking up a big promotion, find true fun love. Someone might bump towards you, never know who he is, maybe a spark going on. Have you thought of try or pass this suggest to be cautiously secure? Give some time to think wisely before taking that offer. Good luck icon_biggrin.gif.
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    Jun 05, 2015 2:28 PM GMT
    Lol
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 05, 2015 7:09 PM GMT
    I don't have a problem with you wanting to date a guy your own age but I think your judgmental attitude towards older guys probably reflects a nasty, ugly streak. And that's probably why no one will date you. SA is totally progressive for gays so if you're 18 and have never had a date, the problem is you. Try being a nice guy instead of looking for things to bitch about. You hide behind your standards and then pretend you're being pressured into dropping g standards. Please. Childish. And not nice....
  • Tooji

    Posts: 26

    Jun 05, 2015 11:25 PM GMT
    Feels like this post has been written with a lot of rage..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2015 4:11 AM GMT
    giodude said I've never dated anyone, but I'd rather be alone than settle for some old creep.

    Oh my. I suspect the choice of whether or not you'll remain alone won't entirely be yours.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2015 5:22 AM GMT
    So, you think all 30 year olds are "old creeps?" Do they not have mirrors in South Africa? You're lucky to get anyone of ANY age to date you. You're not hot enough to have all that attitude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2015 7:32 AM GMT
    One day you'll get old too, you'll be an old creep too. Lmao

    Don't be a disrespectful person; just because their ways of life aren't for you, it doesn't mean you can bash people and say they are into old creep.
    You said you aren't into labeling, but you just apparently did one. The irony. Lol

    Love and relationship is a lot deeper than you thought, you're still young and still have a lot of nevigating to do.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Jun 06, 2015 9:33 AM GMT
    OK First of all, SA is not progressive towards gay people. I come from a town where i was the only openly gay kid in the schools. Literally all the schools were next to each other in the same street. It was just me and i got a lot of flack for it. Rummours, teasing, taunting, isolation and everybody making a point of knowing what goes in my life. SA is NOT progressive. Cape town, joburg and durban, yes. Other places? Not so much.

    Secondly my reason for having an aversion towards older gay men is because I had a bad experience with one.
    I visited with my best friend, and she went to her ex boyfriend's place and we chilled there. The landlord was gay. He had already been in prison for being in a relationship with a 15 year old when he was like 45 or something. He thought that I as "pretty" and shit and started kissing my hand, calling me beautiful and touching me like shoulder and back and shit. I kept rebuffing this guy and he told me to lift up my shirt for him. He was DRUNK and he was huge. Like a solid 1.99 to 2 meters, and he was big Not muscular, fat, but big. And i felt really intimidated. So when he left i said "i'm glad hes gone". Somehow he overheard me and told me he'd beat me if i spoke like that in his house he'd punch me and shit. Like literally got into my face standing above me and glaring at me. Keep in mind that he was DRUNK as a sailor. Then he went into a whole drunken soliloquy about how he just loves how slim and boyish i am. And how he couldn't believe he'd been sent to jail just for loving his previuos bf of fifteen. "All i did was love the boy. Is love reall a crime?" This was all in front of his 20 year old boyfriend who he beat. The 20 yo literally said "i hate that you beat me" and he replied by saying "I wouldn't have to punch you if you weren't so annoying. It's the only way to get you shut the fuck up" and he was generally intimidating.
    Anyways as I was being confronted by this guy my friend stood up and she defended me as well because he was being threatening and he said he's d slap her as well if she spoke like that to him because "this is my house".
    Anyways he sat and drank more wine, then left to go to a bar. Thenmy friend and I left. We couldn't lave earlier because he had this huge dog in the backyard (one of those japanese ones, like hachiko, but a bit bigger) that was very aggressive. When he pulled his car out of the driveway he had to tie the dog up so then we just left.

    This happened when i was 16 and had just come out of the closet three or four months ago. I wasn't in a great mental state to begin with, and then that happened. That experience has just solidified and stayed with me then because I've never ever in my life felt as scared of anyone. Not ever.
    Ever since then, I've had a fear of really old gay men. Not just in terms of dating but being in the presence of them unnerves me. I try to be polite because rationally I know that they're not all like that, but physically I'm tense and on my guard and literally in flight or fight mode if i find out an older man is gay. I know that it's wrong of me to assume this, but it's more of a bodily reaction than a mental one. So if they get too close to me i get uncomfortable and very skittish. So i apologise if i've offended any older gay men on here. I realise that's wrong of me. But when I think of them or am near them I spout vitriol, aggression and negativity as a defense mechanism.
    So again, sorry.