I like you but...

  • Elian

    Posts: 60

    Jun 02, 2015 10:57 AM GMT
    Curious about your opinion in this thing that happened to me. has anyone come across some similar situation?

    Some months ago, I met a guy at a bar and we spent like 3 hours chatting, he seemed lovely and really nice. So we end up going back to his where he said he just wanted to sleep together as he liked me and didn’t want to ruin it (so we just slept cuddled). Then at the morning it was pretty clear he changed his mind in the sex department. Anyway, we texted for like day afterwards, he said he wanted to meet again.... and then he just stopped texting. So I was sent him a text sending him that he should have said he didn’t want anything from the beginning but that I was not angry or anything so didn’t want things to be weird if we saw each other again.

    About a month later we saw each other again in a club, I said hello and we started talking again. Then he tried to go for a kiss again. I stopped him and asked whether if he just wanted sex and that I didn’t understand his behavior. He was kind of crying (not like exaggeratedly but it was obvious) , apologized like dozen of times and said that he liked me a lot and didn’t know what to do or how to act when he likes someone. So I just told him that the normal thing is to just give things a chance. We had again a fun night after that that ended up again in his place. I left that morning before he woke up because I had to go to work, and just left a post it saying “Thanks for the night, it was great fun, text me if you want to meet for something else. You are going to need the water icon_razz.gif ”. Again, I never received any message.
    He is a good looking guy so I had no complains on the sleepovers but the whole “I like you” situation is really weird as I made clear I would be up for dating in a normal way .

    This was long time ago, not really asking for advice as it is nothing important but I am just curious about other people opinions. He sounded 100% honest when he was crying the second time. Good actor? Genuinely fooling himself into believing he wants a relationship? Trully not aware of what to do when you like someone? I’m beginning to think the last case is true for most gay guys I have met.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2015 11:16 AM GMT
    He sound confused. If I was in that situation I'd ask tell the guy to take things slow; if he really likes me he would try his best to pursue and I'll let him I'm interested too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2015 11:33 AM GMT
    Once a flake, always a flake.

    You gave him opportunities to show interest in something more than random encounters.
    He didn't take them.
    What more evidence do you need?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Jun 06, 2015 7:32 PM GMT
    Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words or tears as the case may be.

    I cannot think of anyone I know who has not experienced something pretty similar.

    Even the dudes who pushed it towards the 3rd and 4th encounter did not get any further than that.

    IMHE, the issue here is that the flaky guy really wants to connect, have some fun, enjoy his life. The thing is that he does not want to enter into any obligation of any kind whatsoever. He feels that replying to your txt is already something that he now has to do, in order to keep this thing going, and he is right about it. The idea that he has to put in this effort sends him running for the hills. This is not your normal, human reaction, but this is how some dudes out there tick.

    A few guys are simply not ready due to whatever circumstances they may be facing at the time, but more likely than not, you have bumped into a guy who simply does not want to get involved even at cost of the slightest effort he has to put into this.

    I bumped into this college guy who was attending one of the classes with me, and we connected immediately. A stunning, smart dude. A total keeper.

    We went to my place after the classes, had couple of drinks, and had some amazing sex. No one was talking friendship, relationship, being gay, being buddies, FwBs or anything of the kind.

    Well, we went on attending our classes, and would usually end up at my place couple of times every week for some very hot sex. We talked, watched movies, went out and had couple of dinners, and it all looked good and very promising. The nicest, cutest, smartest dude you could hope to meet.

    A month into this, I suggested that we exchanged phone numbers, so that we could get together beyond the school schedule. He seemed pretty happy about this. I was not rushing it into anything in particular, and thought, over the time the things would fall into their place.

    Well, he never picked up any of my phone calls. He never replied to any of my txts either. I was not pushing it. But, I started wondering... I hoped, I did not do anything wrong.

    We met at school again, and he seemed totally happy to go to my place for the usual drinks, sex, dinner, whatever... I asked him about my phone calls and txts. He sounded pretty honest, and said, he was a totally spontaneous guy. He did not want to plan anything, promise anything. He was happy to see me, and if I wanted to invite him to my place (he shared his flat with a couple of other str8 guys), he was very happy to oblige. But nope, he was not going to plan anything at all.

    I got his message, loud and clear. He was neither a friend nor a BF material. He marched to his own drums, and everyone else was welcome to hitch a ride, if the stars aligned. But he was not going to put any effort into it.

    He was pretty open about it, and said, 'Say, you phone me, and ask me if I want to meet you Sunday afternoon? Today is Friday. I have absolutely no clue how am I going to feel Sunday afternoon. I do not want to make any false promises. And I do not want to see any of this as any obligation on my part.'

    If anything, this was an honest reply. I thought (and still think) that this was an expression of ultimate selfishness. Sure, the dude looked like a Greek god. The sex was awesome, too. But, I started cooling off. I have always been a reasonably busy guy, and needed some planning to organize my time and activities. I was looking for a different type of guy for a BF, FB or FwB. Someone who did not understand that it takes two to tango was not going to be the right choice. All of his other qualities notwithstanding.

    I moved on, and connected with other dudes who respected my time, and who were happy to put in the minimal effort needed for any relationship to function.

    SC



  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 07, 2015 5:50 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidActions ALWAYS speak louder than words or tears as the case may be.

    I cannot think of anyone I know who has not experienced something pretty similar.

    Even the dudes who pushed it towards the 3rd and 4th encounter did not get any further than that.

    IMHE, the issue here is that the flaky guy really wants to connect, have some fun, enjoy his life. The thing is that he does not want to enter into any obligation of any kind whatsoever. He feels that replying to your txt is already something that he now has to do, in order to keep this thing going, and he is right about it. The idea that he has to put in this effort sends him running for the hills. This is not your normal, human reaction, but this is how some dudes out there tick.

    A few guys are simply not ready due to whatever circumstances they may be facing at the time, but more likely than not, you have bumped into a guy who simply does not want to get involved even at cost of the slightest effort he has to put into this.

    I bumped into this college guy who was attending one of the classes with me, and we connected immediately. A stunning, smart dude. A total keeper.

    We went to my place after the classes, had couple of drinks, and had some amazing sex. No one was talking friendship, relationship, being gay, being buddies, FwBs or anything of the kind.

    Well, we went on attending our classes, and would usually end up at my place couple of times every week for some very hot sex. We talked, watched movies, went out and had couple of dinners, and it all looked good and very promising. The nicest, cutest, smartest dude you could hope to meet.

    A month into this, I suggested that we exchanged phone numbers, so that we could get together beyond the school schedule. He seemed pretty happy about this. I was not rushing it into anything in particular, and thought, over the time the things would fall into their place.

    Well, he never picked up any of my phone calls. He never replied to any of my txts either. I was not pushing it. But, I started wondering... I hoped, I did not do anything wrong.

    We met at school again, and he seemed totally happy to go to my place for the usual drinks, sex, dinner, whatever... I asked him about my phone calls and txts. He sounded pretty honest, and said, he was a totally spontaneous guy. He did not want to plan anything, promise anything. He was happy to see me, and if I wanted to invite him to my place (he shared his flat with a couple of other str8 guys), he was very happy to oblige. But nope, he was not going to plan anything at all.

    I got his message, loud and clear. He was neither a friend nor a BF material. He marched to his own drums, and everyone else was welcome to hitch a ride, if the stars aligned. But he was not going to put any effort into it.

    He was pretty open about it, and said, 'Say, you phone me, and ask me if I want to meet you Sunday afternoon? Today is Friday. I have absolutely no clue how am I going to feel Sunday afternoon. I do not want to make any false promises. And I do not want to see any of this as any obligation on my part.'

    If anything, this was an honest reply. I thought (and still think) that this was an expression of ultimate selfishness. Sure, the dude looked like a Greek god. The sex was awesome, too. But, I started cooling off. I have always been a reasonably busy guy, and needed some planning to organize my time and activities. I was looking for a different type of guy for a BF, FB or FwB. Someone who did not understand that it takes two to tango was not going to be the right choice. All of his other qualities notwithstanding.

    I moved on, and connected with other dudes who respected my time, and who were happy to put in the minimal effort needed for any relationship to function.

    SC





    That was an interesting and insightful story. It's too bad things didn't work out but hey, if the guy isn't willing to put in at least the least bit of effort, what's the point?

    Glad to hear you moved on and met more worthwhile guys. If this guy is still the same, something tells me it's going to get harder for him to find a connection as he gets older...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2015 9:15 AM GMT
    BloodFlame said
    SilverRRCloud saidActions ALWAYS speak louder than words or tears as the case may be.

    I cannot think of anyone I know who has not experienced something pretty similar.

    Even the dudes who pushed it towards the 3rd and 4th encounter did not get any further than that.

    IMHE, the issue here is that the flaky guy really wants to connect, have some fun, enjoy his life. The thing is that he does not want to enter into any obligation of any kind whatsoever. He feels that replying to your txt is already something that he now has to do, in order to keep this thing going, and he is right about it. The idea that he has to put in this effort sends him running for the hills. This is not your normal, human reaction, but this is how some dudes out there tick.

    A few guys are simply not ready due to whatever circumstances they may be facing at the time, but more likely than not, you have bumped into a guy who simply does not want to get involved even at cost of the slightest effort he has to put into this.

    I bumped into this college guy who was attending one of the classes with me, and we connected immediately. A stunning, smart dude. A total keeper.

    We went to my place after the classes, had couple of drinks, and had some amazing sex. No one was talking friendship, relationship, being gay, being buddies, FwBs or anything of the kind.

    Well, we went on attending our classes, and would usually end up at my place couple of times every week for some very hot sex. We talked, watched movies, went out and had couple of dinners, and it all looked good and very promising. The nicest, cutest, smartest dude you could hope to meet.

    A month into this, I suggested that we exchanged phone numbers, so that we could get together beyond the school schedule. He seemed pretty happy about this. I was not rushing it into anything in particular, and thought, over the time the things would fall into their place.

    Well, he never picked up any of my phone calls. He never replied to any of my txts either. I was not pushing it. But, I started wondering... I hoped, I did not do anything wrong.

    We met at school again, and he seemed totally happy to go to my place for the usual drinks, sex, dinner, whatever... I asked him about my phone calls and txts. He sounded pretty honest, and said, he was a totally spontaneous guy. He did not want to plan anything, promise anything. He was happy to see me, and if I wanted to invite him to my place (he shared his flat with a couple of other str8 guys), he was very happy to oblige. But nope, he was not going to plan anything at all.

    I got his message, loud and clear. He was neither a friend nor a BF material. He marched to his own drums, and everyone else was welcome to hitch a ride, if the stars aligned. But he was not going to put any effort into it.

    He was pretty open about it, and said, 'Say, you phone me, and ask me if I want to meet you Sunday afternoon? Today is Friday. I have absolutely no clue how am I going to feel Sunday afternoon. I do not want to make any false promises. And I do not want to see any of this as any obligation on my part.'

    If anything, this was an honest reply. I thought (and still think) that this was an expression of ultimate selfishness. Sure, the dude looked like a Greek god. The sex was awesome, too. But, I started cooling off. I have always been a reasonably busy guy, and needed some planning to organize my time and activities. I was looking for a different type of guy for a BF, FB or FwB. Someone who did not understand that it takes two to tango was not going to be the right choice. All of his other qualities notwithstanding.

    I moved on, and connected with other dudes who respected my time, and who were happy to put in the minimal effort needed for any relationship to function.

    SC



    That was an interesting and insightful story. It's too bad things didn't work out but hey, if the guy isn't willing to put in at least the least bit of effort, what's the point?

    Glad to hear you moved on and met more worthwhile guys. If this guy is still the same, something tells me it's going to get harder for him to find a connection as he gets older...

    The kind of guy Silvrcloud described (and maybe the guy described by the OP) is not "looking to find a connection," and most likely won't miss it as he gets older. There are lots of guys like that - that do not want to plan for anything, and always want to be spontaneous. It's not a problem for them, only for others who expect them to be different.
  • Elian

    Posts: 60

    Jun 08, 2015 11:58 AM GMT
    I find Silver’s story quite interesting. I am pretty much the spontaneous kind of guy too but not to the extreme of not putting any effort at all. I would certainly appreciate the kind of sincerity the guy showed to you (though I don’t share his ways... spontaneous looking for a partner in crime is perfect, selfish is not at all).

    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Elian said He sounded 100% honest when he was crying the second time. Good actor?


    I think the question you raise about him being a good actor is spot on. For someone to get emotional in a club type setting just wreaks of manipulation. It's sounds like cunningness on his part to control you and manipulate your apprehensiveness toward him as he reached over to try and kiss you yet you declined. This is what children do to manipulate their parents to soften the blow when caught doing something that is obviously out of line or just plain wrong.

    I know you weren't looking for advice and I'm not giving you any. But that type of behavior is total bullshit. You have no history together other than one, or rather, two nights of sex. No emotional bond to speak of. He has a history of asserting boundaries with you and then breaking them (e.g. no sex on the first night, just cuddling yet sex happened in the morning). And now tears?

    Some guys play these types of deceitful games because they think it masks their true propensity to screw around like a slut. Whatever his reasons are I wouldn't waste much thought on him or why he behaved as he did.



    Yeah, not asking for advice as I am pretty much the sort of guy who plans for the worst (thinks can only be better) so It didn’t really affect me for any longer than the initial confusion.
    To be fair, seen your things from your perspective, it seems likely he decided against going any further the moment we woke up in the morning and asked for sex. Having said he asked me just to spoon him again the second time and I left early in the morning so if morning sex was the objective... it failed.

    Not getting involved with him again, tears or not... hot guy, but not worth the hassle. Lesson learnt for future reference anyway.