Can Breakups get back together successfully?

  • Lunastar

    Posts: 328

    Jun 07, 2015 2:11 AM GMT
    Went through a recent breakup after an almost 2 year relationship and not feeling confident about it, it was more on his end but I still feel it could've been avoided. It's been 2 weeks.

    Have any of you guys experienced a breakup, only to get back together and successfully stay together?

    Could you elaborate on what the issues were in the first place and why things have changed?
  • Chastize

    Posts: 56

    Jun 07, 2015 2:13 AM GMT
    You guys broke up two weeks ago?
  • Lunastar

    Posts: 328

    Jun 07, 2015 2:16 AM GMT
    Chastize saidYou guys broke up two weeks ago?


    Yep.
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    Jun 07, 2015 3:00 AM GMT
    i was in a straight marriage and the boy friend got tired dealing with my closet issues. I got a divorce and cleaned up my life, he loves me more now. Ben together 6 years.


    Flowers work?

    serious
    give him a call and see if you two can start talking again. Two years is a big investment so if it gets going again, get some couples counseling. Maybe work the counseling into a vacation. Given enough time almost everything will go wrong in a relationship. Even if someone does you a big harm, give enough time you will find your self guilty of the same infraction. Serious; this might include some denting of your pride to get a dialog going again. Not every negative thing my partner says is a personal attack on me anymore.

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 07, 2015 4:08 AM GMT
    My experience has been that it doesn't work out.
    People don't change.
    The same problems that caused the break-up are still there.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 07, 2015 4:33 AM GMT
    People break up for a reason ... why try to force it?
  • metta

    Posts: 39167

    Jun 07, 2015 5:00 AM GMT
    Can Breakups get back together successfully?


    Of course it is possible. But I think something like that would take a lot of work on both parties to work through the issues. Professional counseling would be encouraged. Both parties would have to be willing. If they are not willing to do that, then probably not.
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    Jun 07, 2015 5:05 AM GMT
    Webster666 said
    People don't change.The same problems that caused the break-up are still there.


    I wish people would stop repeating nonsense like this. Just because you've heard something repeatedly doesn't make it true. People definitely change. But only if they have the desire to change. I'm a completely different person in many ways than I was ten years ago. But that's because I've gone through several years of therapy, meditation classes and self reflection. My ex never changed much at all because he fought against change whereas I embraced it. And that's the thing about change......if one person is growing while the other person remains stagnant, the relationship is doomed.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Jun 07, 2015 5:18 AM GMT
    If you figure out what was the basic issue which caused the break up, and if both of you are willing to resolve this issue, the chances are that a new, stronger, better relationship may come out of it.

    The truth is that we all change all the time. An MO that worked two years ago may have grown completely dysfunctional two years into the relationship.

    I was dating a dude who was a total bttm guy when we met. We did not go into anything like a committed, monogamous relationship but saw each other as BFs, nonetheless. Some two years into this, the sex was getting stale. He admitted that he wanted to top, too. We called in couple of bttm dudes, and tag-teamed them occasionally. Our relationship improved significantly. He re-started bottoming for me with a gusto, and started enjoying being topped after he had topped another dude. I also started enjoying topping a dude who has just topped another dude, so all of us benefitted from a changed constellation.

    Another dude had an issue with my work, which was taxing, time-consuming, and rewarding, too. It boiled down to a choice: work or our relationship. I went for my career. We parted our ways. Not everything in relationships can be fixed, and we knew that from the beginning.

    SC
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 07, 2015 6:22 AM GMT
    Radd said
    Webster666 said
    People don't change.The same problems that caused the break-up are still there.


    I wish people would stop repeating nonsense like this. Just because you've heard something repeatedly doesn't make it true. People definitely change. But only if they have the desire to change. I'm a completely different person in many ways than I was ten years ago. But that's because I've gone through several years of therapy, meditation classes and self reflection. My ex never changed much at all because he fought against change whereas I embraced it. And that's the thing about change......if one person is growing while the other person remains stagnant, the relationship is doomed.

    Maybe it is just part of the growing up processes ... you've seen more, you've experienced more, things touched you're heart and you realize it is not always about you, something happens in your life to jolt you to reality, you got some alone time to ponder the meaning of life and you get older and you get wiser. You are talking 10 years, the OP is talking 2 weeks. icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 07, 2015 3:49 PM GMT
    If i have been cheated on , there is no point whatsoever to trying to save that relationship !!!!
    I can forgive but not forget , so friend we will be .
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    Jun 07, 2015 3:53 PM GMT
    Lunastar said

    Could you elaborate on what the issues were in the first place and why things have changed?


    I think you'll do better by doing this yourself. What broke you guys up? That determines how fixable/mendable it is.

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    Jun 07, 2015 4:24 PM GMT
    neffa saidIf i have been cheated on , there is no point whatsoever to trying to save that relationship !!!! I can forgive but not forget , so friend we will be .

    Being cheated on is the new shame:
    being cheated on makes you feel less intimate with your partner. Like a loss of a confidant or best friend. less trust.

    think in terms everyone has 2-3 relationships in their lives IE: the straights may have 2-3 marriages. After the cheating you can IF YOU CHOOSE start the next relationship. What ever it might be. With that same person or another man with a different problem set.

    Not every relationship can be fixed but:
    -given enough time every relationship rule will get broken
    -if not by one partner than by both. In other words someone does you a bad, in time you will commit a bigger infraction. We are all at maximum 99% angle, just not totally perfect.

    couples counseling:
    for every major life change you can personally benefit by sharing experiences. Likely your parents did not exemplify how to be the best homo possible and if they did the rules have changed in the last ten years.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 07, 2015 4:29 PM GMT
    Absolutely, but it's all about communication. I like the counseling idea, but you certainly have to start by indicating how much you value him and miss the time together. For this to work, you will have to improve something that was lacking previously. I certainly wish you well!

    icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 07, 2015 6:00 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    Radd said
    Webster666 said
    People don't change.The same problems that caused the break-up are still there.


    I wish people would stop repeating nonsense like this. Just because you've heard something repeatedly doesn't make it true. People definitely change. But only if they have the desire to change. I'm a completely different person in many ways than I was ten years ago. But that's because I've gone through several years of therapy, meditation classes and self reflection. My ex never changed much at all because he fought against change whereas I embraced it. And that's the thing about change......if one person is growing while the other person remains stagnant, the relationship is doomed.

    Maybe it is just part of the growing up processes ... you've seen more, you've experienced more, things touched you're heart and you realize it is not always about you, something happens in your life to jolt you to reality, you got some alone time to ponder the meaning of life and you get older and you get wiser. You are talking 10 years, the OP is talking 2 weeks. icon_smile.gif


    I think you misread the OP. They were together 2 YEARS. They've been broken up 2 weeks.
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    Jun 07, 2015 6:16 PM GMT
    If you guys ever really liked each other
    you'll always find a way for each other.

    You do that for people you like.
    You always keep the door for them.

    Me and my ex boyfriends always keep it
    sweet for each other and its because
    we like each other.
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    Jun 08, 2015 4:34 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidMy experience has been that it doesn't work out.
    People don't change.
    The same problems that caused the break-up are still there.

    Generally speaking, this is true.
    People can change, but it rarely happens.
    In order for someone to change, he has to reach the point where it is simply intolerable NOT changing. And that's rare, because human beings have an enormous capacity for making peace with their misery.
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    Jun 08, 2015 6:06 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidIt's possible but not all that common.

    All the guys I've broken up with in the past were guys I grew to really dislike and want nothing to do with. However, the last guy I was with (my longest relationship) is someone I still care about and we're friends, thankfully.


    That's because white gay men
    are catty and can be very VERY petty.
    And once you've gotten into your
    petty bitchy state, there's nothing
    that can be done. There is no "BIGGER MAN'
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    Jun 09, 2015 9:29 PM GMT
    I think it all depends on why you guys broke up in the first place. Personally I feel that if you've made the ultimate decision to break up then why go back back? Breaking up is like the final step for me. If something is going wrong in my relationship and I really truly want to be with that person then I will fight tooth and nail to make it work. Whatever we need to work on we'll do it.

    Once you throw the towel in then you're saying to me that you didn't care enough to keep going.


  • newtosyr

    Posts: 40

    Jun 11, 2015 1:57 AM GMT
    Radd said
    Webster666 said
    People don't change.The same problems that caused the break-up are still there.


    I wish people would stop repeating nonsense like this. Just because you've heard something repeatedly doesn't make it true. People definitely change. But only if they have the desire to change. I'm a completely different person in many ways than I was ten years ago. But that's because I've gone through several years of therapy, meditation classes and self reflection. My ex never changed much at all because he fought against change whereas I embraced it. And that's the thing about change......if one person is growing while the other person remains stagnant, the relationship is doomed.


    I agree Radd...It's not as simple as people being incompatible for life. One of the things that can certainly create significant issues is the degree to which we change as individuals. Naturally, it is never going to be at the same pace and the same degree. Sometimes, in order to fully complete those changes within themselves, two people drift apart. Oftentimes, I can recall reconnecting during the course of my most recent 10-year relationship. However, we both starting to drift apart and rather than work at reconnecting, we drifted further apart. We entered the relationship with some of the issues that we were tackling, but certainly not all of them. I still deeply love him and try to keep in touch, which has made for an interesting life since then. I know that I still have a lot of growing and learning from the time we had and with some of the issues I grappled with (or avoided) before I met him. I still, in my heart, hope that we reconnect one day. I'm not holding out for it, but I continue to feel a deep bond that he expresses as well. We know that our relationship became toxic and that we had to separate or both of us would go down in flames. Luckily he had more strength at the time to make it happen. We live over 800 miles apart and haven't seen each other in more than 2 years, but I can honestly say that my love for him and desire for his ultimate happiness (even if it is not with me, which I consider to be more probable than a hoped-for reconnection).

    You have to be honest with and to yourself. Is there anything left in the relationship? What drew you together in the first place? Are either (or both of you) demanding the other change from the person with whom you fell in love? Have you grown that far apart?

    There will always be a sense of loss and, as it was not "your" choice to break-up, you will pine for the days when you were together. However, you must be honest with yourself and for him (should you truly love him as you express) about whether there is anything that remains that can help you through what will certainly be a struggle to reconnect.