Can't Get Others Interested In Me

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2015 4:00 PM GMT
    Alright - I'm looking as to how I can improve my social/friendship skills. I know a lot of people on a "hello" basis but really only have two people that I consider friends (and relationship isn't ideal or the best and I would like to expand to other friends). My own family doesn't even include me in on things - I often learn more about them from others in town that I do from them. I just learned from a friend of theirs that they went to Six Flags without me knowing today. Perhaps there's some dynamic that's being repeated here and I'm not knowing

    I'm thinking I have no one else to ask... so I come here.



    Here is how conversations on Facebook have gone today:




    With Person A (a bartender at a bar I used to frequent regularly):

    Me: Hey!
    Person A: Hey. How you been.
    Me: I've been doing good! Just work, started going to the gym (I need to get my diet in check - apparantly McDonalds and soda are not a major food group as I previously thought), and other than that just the usual...
    How is life treating you?
    I miss seeing you around!

    - No response -




    With Person B (Person B is someone I see out and about at the bars - we always say hi and everything but not much more) - I was feeling kind of depressed and lonely when I messaged him and was wondering how I'm coming across to others.

    Me: Can I ask you a question?
    *other than that one lol

    Person B: Yeah

    Me: OK cool! I figured you can be direct and honest in your answer... but how do I come across to you?

    Person B: Like a normal guy
    I'm not sure how to answer that

    Me:I just wanted your honest feedback...
    so as if that's how I come across to you, then you answered it alright!
    I'm glad to hear that I seem normal to you icon_smile.gif

    - No response -






    With Person C (another person I knew socially from being out and about - he also became a bartender later at the same bar we met):

    Me: Hey!
    How come I don't see you anymore at the bar (the few times I'm there lol)?

    Person C: Hey man
    I worked Thursday!!! Lol
    And I'm working three days next week

    Me: !!!!

    Person C: Waaaaaaabhbhhttt

    Me: Lmao
    LOL!
    I take it that I come in even much less than I thought!?





    With Person D (a former coworker who left to find employment elsewhere - I didn't even know he was gay until I found him on facebook... when he left I do believe we were friendly with one another - not in a crush or romantic way but as coworkers)

    Me: Hey!

    Person D: Hey! How's it going buddy?

    Me: It is going quite good! I was thinking about you the other day and figured I would look you up and see hwo you are doing! I'm seeing that it looks like at some point all the XXX employees go to YYY lol?
    How is life treating you?

    - No response -

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 07, 2015 4:33 PM GMT
    Well your name says it all doesn't it... "stranger", I'd say, don't be one with those that you befriend (and even certainly family members that you are drawn toward). I'd say, step out of your comfort zone and open up to those friends and/or family members that you want to improve communication skills.

    Hopefully some party or social invitations will follow and you will have some chance to meet others (thus dating prospects). Good luck, changing pattern can be quite the challenge at times!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2015 5:37 PM GMT
    Let me be honest.
    Im not being mean or anything
    either.

    You're too big.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2015 5:39 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWell your name says it all doesn't it... "stranger", I'd say, don't be one with those that you befriend (and even certainly family members that you are drawn toward). I'd say, step out of your comfort zone and open up to those friends and/or family members that you want to improve communication skills.

    Hopefully some party or social invitations will follow and you will have some chance to meet others (thus dating prospects). Good luck, changing pattern can be quite the challenge at times!


    He's too big.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2015 10:15 PM GMT
    Kansan, I find your observation about my screen name and interpersonal problems interesting! I hadn't even thought of that or noticed it until you said something... I'm a stranger... to everyone.

    And my mind, I know I'm big... I've been going to the gym and have seen some weight decrease (I need to get diet in check) so hopefully that will be changing soon! There's a part of me that wants to believe not everyone is that shallow though...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2015 10:45 PM GMT
    stranger2011 said... There's a part of me that wants to believe not everyone is that shallow though...
    Quick question: Is your body your type?
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    Jun 08, 2015 12:09 AM GMT
    Honestly, not really. I'm okay with overweight, stocky, etc. but really overweight and big no. Hence why I started the gym recently! But this post wasn't for romantic/dating - I need to get the family, friendship, and social challenges down before advancing into that category!
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    Jun 08, 2015 12:12 AM GMT
    Since you're asking for honest opinions I'm gonna give you one.

    It seems you try to approach people that you're not that close to. If you go and act like they're your friends (like saying you miss the guy at the bar) it makes the situation awkward for them.

    It also appears you are way too energetic for casual situations. For example when someone says "hey whats up" you should reply in the same tone and lenght, not super excited. Cut the "!" , the smiley faces and cut the dorky jokes.

    Also you might be approaching guys that are out of your league and they take your actions as you hitting on them, so they ignore you.

    That's what I can see from 1 thread of yours, of course, I could be mistaken, but that was my impression.

    I suggest you stop trying to make people like you and act more calm and like you don't care that much about their attention.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2015 12:13 AM GMT
    stranger2011: Not sure I understand your logic in "But this post wasn't for romantic/dating." Your thread is titled "Can't Get Others Interested In Me."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2015 12:21 AM GMT
    Nietzsche would have some words for you:

    Brethren, war's the origin

    Of happiness on earth :
    Powder-smoke and battle-din

    Witness friendship's birth!
    Friendship means three things, you know,—

    Kinship in luckless plight.
    Equality before the foe

    Freedom — in death's sigh


    - Find people who hate or despise the same things you hate or despise, whatever or whoever it is;

    - Find people who are in the same pool of shit that you are. People who suffer the same problems, people who are despised by the same people who despise you;

    As per the poem above, suffering is a very strong bond in friendships, much stronger than similar interests in fact. I always had excellent friends in my life, even in my lowest moments, because I liked the comradery of people who shared my suffering more than getting crumbs of attention that fell from the table of upper league people.
  • niceguy_321

    Posts: 25

    Jun 08, 2015 3:52 AM GMT
    David666k saidSince you're asking for honest opinions I'm gonna give you one.

    It seems you try to approach people that you're not that close to. If you go and act like they're your friends (like saying you miss the guy at the bar) it makes the situation awkward for them.

    It also appears you are way too energetic for casual situations. For example when someone says "hey whats up" you should reply in the same tone and lenght, not super excited. Cut the "!" , the smiley faces and cut the dorky jokes.

    Also you might be approaching guys that are out of your league and they take your actions as you hitting on them, so they ignore you.

    That's what I can see from 1 thread of yours, of course, I could be mistaken, but that was my impression.

    I suggest you stop trying to make people like you and act more calm and like you don't care that much about their attention.


    I completely agree with this. Based on your conversations that you have posted, it seems you are just trying too hard to be their friend. Not everyone is going to like you. Usually the friends that I have made are the ones that were completely unexpected. So, go into these conversations without too much expectations and you should have an open mind when others contact you.

    Also, it seems like you are talking to the wrong people. 3 out of the 4 people you are talking about, you've met at a bar. Not too many good things happen at bars.

    Another thing, you need to be on the same communication style to who you are talking to, otherwise you are making it awkward for yourself, and the other person is going to think you are weird. I know it seems kind of shallow, but you can't really get deep with others until you get to know them personally and on a frequent basis (without being annoying- explain below).

    Now, definitely start conversations with others, but don't get too deep until you are really close to them. Also, don't message them everyday either (basically don't be that annoying person that keeps contacting someone- when there have been signs that they don't want to talk to you). Give space to these people when you first meet them. If you are suppose to be friends, then it will work naturally. If it doesn't, then you move on to meet others.

    Example of same communication style:

    You: Hey man, What's up?
    Them: Hey, I'm good. How are you?
    You: Oh, I'm good. Just work (a brief thing of what you are doing)
    Them: That sounds like fun!

    ***Also be patient. Don't immediately respond -wait a couple minutes to respond- when they respond. This will show that you aren't desperate.

    *** Now don't be upset, if they end the conversation there! Obviously, they didn't want to continue talking at that moment. They could be busy doing something else or whatever. Now, you should give them a couple days to respond, and then contact them again by starting off again with a very casual "Hey what's up?"

    ***Don't mention anything about what happened last time. Let that go. It's a new day, and it's now a new conversation!

    Hope this helps!