Betrayed by my best friend of 10 years.

  • williamgeo

    Posts: 19

    Jun 09, 2015 2:50 AM GMT
    So a few weeks ago I made a post about my friend who ruined my chance with a guy (see below). It was complicated by the recent death of his mother, but most of you guys thought I should tell him where to shove it.

    I confronted him about it diplomatically and was met with a vicious and patronising response. I then said I was willing to accept it was a misunderstanding and to move on and be normal. He chose to never speak to me again and yesterday blocked me on all social media.

    The issue now is that he keeps going out with the friendship group that I introduced him to. I keep avoiding these events because I don't want to see him there. He never speaks to them in general, just when a night is happening and he turns up, or arranges a dinner event out of the blue.

    Despite what he's done he's actually very funny and charming and I feel like he's manipulating the whole situation to somehow demonise me. I've spoken to others in the group who are aware of how shallow and flakey he is (he only really wants to be friends with people who are atterractive and have good jobs) but at the end of the day he's seeing my friends more than I do at the moment. A part of me just wants to turn up to these events anyway but at the risk of sounding like a big baby...I'M SCARED TO.

    All advice welcome. It feels like a pretty impossible situation right now.

    Here is my previous post:

    williamgeo saidI need another perspective on this situation.

    I told a close friend (who is also gay) about a guy I'd met at a BBQ and that I fancied him, but wasn't sure if he felt the same about me. My friend encouraged me to invite him out on my birthday to see if anything might happen, and made a joke about 'stealing him' from me because he's really cute. My friend had a boyfriend so I never considered he actually would.

    The guy did come out on my birthday, but shortly after he arrived my friend approached him and they barely left each other's side all night - I hardly even got a chance to talk to him. I felt pretty embarrassed, and from then on my friend frequently brought him up in conversation as his own potential romantic interest; 'it was nice to meet someone and like them. It showed me that if I break up with my boyfriend then I can like other people' - comments like that.

    I wasn't happy about what happened but it didn't seem like anything was going to happen between them and I decided not to make drama out of it.

    Last weekend me and the friend arranged a night out, but without telling me, he invited the guy out. He turned up at the bar, and initially I thought my friend had invited him to maybe make up for what happened on my birthday. After a few drinks it became apparent that he wanted to hook up with him, which he did in front of me, and then went back to his house - despite having a boyfriend.

    I text him a couple of days after saying that I was trying to be ok with what happened, but I needed to hear his side of the story. He told me that it was 'unfortunate' that I was upset and that 'if I really thought about it' i had no reason to be. He has since stopped talking to me.

    Side note: his mum committed suicide a few months ago.

    Am I being selfish and jealous or was that a really shady thing for a friend to do? It feels like a trivial issue to raise with someone who is grieving their mum's death, but I also don't see personal tragedy as an excuse to do bad things - I have had sorrows and losses of my own. If I am in the wrong I will always hold up my hands and admit it. What do you guys think?
  • Wonderboywill

    Posts: 17

    Jun 09, 2015 3:12 AM GMT
    Don't know you well enough, and I'm new, but if a 'friend' did that to me I'd be pissed and he'd know about it. He's manipulating you in making you feel guilty and stealing your friends in the process. Sure some of your friends will see through his failed attempts but realize that you're not around to set the record straight with everyone else. You need to show up, not play into his schemes and be the friend you know you are to the people that matter to you.

    If they bring something up, correct them, stick up for yourself and apologize to them for being dragged in by his childish ploys. They will see who the bigger man is and stick up for you if they are true friends. If not, then you never belonged in that group if your friendships were that fragile.

    Sorry to be blunt, but at 32, I stopped caring about the games some young guys play. Been too long a victim for them for too long and refuse to waste time there.

    You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, be honest with what you want and do the right thing.
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    Jun 09, 2015 3:50 AM GMT
    Yuck. What a drama queen! I thought that bitch is gonna stop his further actions after he took that guy from you.

    My advice to you is talk less about him(if posible don't even say anything; But DO correct them, as Wondeboy says, not in a bitchy way), even if they are real or not. If your other friends are wise they should be seeing who's the real bitch and manipulator here. Been there and done that, so brace yourself for further aftermaths, stay strong both inside and outside.

    If you need someone to rant to, we're always here for you.
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    Jun 09, 2015 3:55 AM GMT
    Grow some balls and continue on with your life. So what if you attend the same events. He doesn't own a monopoly on these things. You don't have to talk to him or communicate with him, but show him that you will live your life with or without him...
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    Jun 09, 2015 4:08 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidGrow some balls and continue on with your life. So what if you attend the same events. He doesn't own a monopoly on these things. You don't have to talk to him or communicate with him, but show him that you will live your life with or without him...


    That's absolutely right, specially it wasn't the OP who messed him, it's the other way round! Why avoid the events and parties when the OP has done nothing wrong?
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    Jun 09, 2015 4:17 AM GMT
    Ugh! Don't be his doormat. He's a grown man playing the same games a 15 year old girl would. Yeah, this other guy wasn't your's, but your buddy probably wouldn't even have gone for him if you hadn't told him you liked him. Stupid and petty.



  • slowprogress

    Posts: 38

    Jun 09, 2015 4:25 AM GMT
    I have a similar situation with a vengeful ex. Unfortunately he also turned out to be the one of the biggest hub gays in the scene, so just about everyone I know or will know in the future, he already knows. I've been steadily losing friends, while my close friends warn me "he talks". We joke that I've been banished from the village by its mayor. The interesting thing is he's still very nice to me in person if we bump into each other, especially with other people around, even though everyone knows he talks behind my back.
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    Jun 09, 2015 4:36 AM GMT
    Baby, you need to pick your friends better lol
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    Jun 09, 2015 4:42 AM GMT
    pazmurder said
    aloneintheworld saidI have a similar situation with a vengeful ex. Unfortunately he also turned out to be the one of the biggest hub gays in the scene, so just about everyone I know or will know in the future, he already knows. I've been steadily losing friends, while my close friends warn me "he talks". We joke that I've been banished from the village by its mayor. The interesting thing is he's still very nice to me in person if we bump into each other, especially with other people around, even though everyone knows he talks behind my back.



    you and the op need to just cut to the chase and knock these assholes out. honestly, i think some gay guys pull this shit because they NEVER get dealt with accordingly. they're used to folks taking the soft approach instead of getting in their face and being threatening like... "if you do that, i'll beat your ass or you'll have something really bad happen to you". that fear of crossing the line.

    things like that would get folks stomped out, thrown down some stairs, choked out and etc. that bullying shit isn't cool.


    You're so ghetto Spazzy. For someone who has never been in a fight you sure to advocate violence a lot. You never even threw a punch in your life, how the hell are you going to try and instigate a fight between others?


    Just STFU you disgusting piece of shit.
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    Jun 09, 2015 4:56 AM GMT
    Calm down! Take that drama somewhere else, the OP is asking for help and advice not for you lot's drama!
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    Jun 09, 2015 5:32 AM GMT
    First off, do not be intimidated by this guy. If you confronted him as an adult, and was just "real" with him, you have nothing to be ashamed about. In all truth, he probably realizes that what he did was wrong, and is retaliating in childish ways. "The Truth Hurts" so to speak...

    Secondly, if he wants to act like a dumb brat, then continue to be the adult in the situation. Show up to those events and mingle with your friends. Show him that his childish antics will never prevail against a grown man. You want to piss him off....be confident and smile when hes near. Laugh with your friends...just be happy. You should never let anybody that crappy even have a say in how you feel.


    Lastly, and this is going to sound counter-intuitive, forgive the poor guy so you can move on. There is obviously something wrong with the guy that he was blinded enough to not see that he hurt you. Possibly from his mom passing, maybe a bit of insecurities, I have no idea. Do it for the friend that he could have possibly been, but sadly chose not to be. I'm not saying to bring him back into your life. Just let him continue his journey, and you continue yours.

    P.S
    Last part is kinda optional.


  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Jun 09, 2015 6:45 AM GMT
    Being betrayed even by your best friend(s) has become a rite of passage for many guys these days.

    The real moral of Rudolf’s story is that nobody will like you unless you have something they want or need.

    Which really goes on to say that a notion of friendship has changed since the time you went to HS/college. And, in many ways, it has changed for worse. People do not talk that much about their friends. They talk about the useful networks of people they have built around them in order to achieve some of their goals. Understand that the members of your network are your friends in those HS/college day terms, and you are running a risk of being terribly disappointed. More and more people are instrumentalizing their friendships. A sad fact of life.

    True, you want to be careful when choosing your friends. Now, how careful can you be, before you start spending your life on choosing your friends alone?

    Decide that this was a lesson learnt, and move on. Understand that a few of your friends from the group of your friends you were talking about are, to some degree, opportunists. Like most other people, they do not wish to enter into the fray, as it is really none of their business. You want to turn a new leaf by understanding that a degree of loyalty you have been expecting from your friends is no more a default.

    If an interesting dude shows up on the horizon, saying that you, too, (among a possibly few other guys) are interested in him, won't really stop people from trying to hook up with him on their own. Right or wrong, this is what it is. No one owns that other guy, and frankly, everyone is free to give it a try. He'll probably choose the one who he finds most attractive. This may sound cold-hearted to many. Yet, this is how the game is being played these days.

    I like to think about the people I know in the terms of Adenauer's saying:

    There are enemies. There are mortal enemies. And there are (party) friends.

    SC
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    Jun 10, 2015 4:13 PM GMT
    So your friend gone psycho and played mind game with you after u called him out. If he wants to play, u just play along too. He is probably plotting some evil plan to ruin your life by now, so be ready to defend yourself, bite him if needed.
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    Jun 10, 2015 4:26 PM GMT
    Honestly?

    You say you're "scared to", but I think you already know the right answer: don't let his presence prevent you from living your life.

    If this group of friends is going and and doing stuff, go with them. If this guy happens to be among the group, be cordial, don't start any drama, but there's also no reason you have to go out of your way to be extra nice to him. He's just another guy who happens to be hanging out with the group.

    From what you say, it is pretty shitty what he did to you. At this point, though, there's really not much you can do about it. If the guy you were interested in ends up available then by all means pursue him if you want; circumvent this "friend". But when it comes to hanging with the group of friends, the best thing you can do is act normal and carry on. Only a few things can happen. He can also decide to be civil and not cause issues, in which case... great. His other option obviously is to cause problems; in this case, you can defend yourself while also letting him expose his true personality in front of the rest of your friends.

    I know it really hurts to be screwed over like this, but you can't let it ruin your relationship with your other friends, or ruin your chance at happiness with either the guy you were interested in or some new guy. What he did to you is enough; letting it continue to affect you only lets his actions continue to have power over your life, and that's not something you want to realize years later when you look back on things.
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    Jun 23, 2015 11:54 AM GMT
    Drama!...don't do it, just say NO!
    Grow up and live your life. There will ALWAYS be some dick out there that thinks they can manipulate and intimidate you, ....but ONLY if you GIVE them that power.
    Quit making excuses for his bad behaviors (mom's suicide, etc). You are not responsible for his, nor anyone elses actions, only your own. So BE RESPONSIBLE for YOU. If you want to meet buds, choose a different place and situation, where you can control the invite list and access. Change your tactics, places or friends. Quit giving others so much power to disturb your life.....This is part of maturing....finding who, when and how to just let it go... If these other guys are actually YOUR friends, talk to them individually, and let them know what happened, or just let them know that you had a falling-out with fuck-head....You can't control what they do, once they know. Grow up time. Good luck and don't assume that everyone is in the same frame of mind or situation in life....if friendships last 8 years they will likely go for life....most friendships change as we age, not all friendships are suitable for all part of life....and will fade.
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    Jun 23, 2015 12:26 PM GMT
    Sporty_G saidDrama!...don't do it, just say NO!
    Grow up and live your life. There will ALWAYS be some dick out there that thinks they can manipulate and intimidate you, ....but ONLY if you GIVE them that power.
    Quit making excuses for his bad behaviors (mom's suicide, etc). You are not responsible for his, nor anyone elses actions, only your own. So BE RESPONSIBLE for YOU. If you want to meet buds, choose a different place and situation, where you can control the invite list and access. Change your tactics, places or friends. Quit giving others so much power to disturb your life.....This is part of maturing....finding who, when and how to just let it go... If these other guys are actually YOUR friends, talk to them individually, and let them know what happened, or just let them know that you had a falling-out with fuck-head....You can't control what they do, once they know. Grow up time. Good luck and don't assume that everyone is in the same frame of mind or situation in life....if friendships last 8 years they will likely go for life....most friendships change as we age, not all friendships are suitable for all part of life....and will fade.

    +1

    ^^^^ "Change your tactics, places or friends. Quit giving others so much power to disturb your life"

    No way either of us would surrender our friends to an interloper and slink away. Uncomfortable as it might be we wouldn't let him win at our expense. And we've experienced a few incidents like this.

    Our little social circle is made of established professionals, prominent people in our gay community, that some outsiders see as a prize to join. Newbies are viewed with suspicion, as I was when I first met my future husband from that group.

    It took a long time before I earned respect & acceptance, which I actually admired in them. As Groucho Marx said: "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member", and l liked that selectivity, and especially their protection of my future husband.

    Therefore I'm a little surprised the OP's friends accepted this other guy so readily. Maybe they really haven't, and he won't be with them for long. I think the OP may have thrown in the towel a little too soon. I'd go back in for Round 2, and fight a little harder. Though by means of simply being a good friend to everyone, not by overtly forcing these guys to take sides with badmouthing the interloper, which they may resent. Guys don't like getting caught up in someone else's drama.

    And if they don't come around then maybe the problem is with the friends, not solely with this one guy. Then it would be time to seek new friends. But not before trying again with this group. I wouldn't cut & run so easily.
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    Jun 23, 2015 12:41 PM GMT
    Find new friends. It's a lot easier than being caught up in unnecessary drama.
  • maggass

    Posts: 44

    Jun 24, 2015 5:22 AM GMT
    Life's too short to surround yourself with bad people. You did the right thing by cutting him off. And I'm sorry but his mother committing suicide should make him even MORE considerate of your feelings, which he wasn't. It doesn't matter how long you've been friends with someone for - if they betray you they're not a good friend.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 24, 2015 5:52 AM GMT
    Put your bitch hat on .... you have nothing to hide ... his sad antics are his own ... show up to spite him and just ignore him
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2015 6:38 AM GMT
    You obviously need to workout more, eat healthier, and get a hotter body. That'll fix everything.
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    Jun 24, 2015 8:10 AM GMT
    Just go out like you did before. If he does something horrible people will see it, if he doesn't then no harm done. Personally I would make sure your friends know why you don't get on with him any more but you could take the high road if you prefer.
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    Jun 24, 2015 12:05 PM GMT
    maggass said
    ...And I'm sorry but his mother committing suicide should make him even MORE considerate of your feelings, which he wasn't. It doesn't matter how long you've been friends with someone for - if they betray you they're not a good friend.

    Good observation.
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    Jun 24, 2015 2:16 PM GMT
    https://www.facebook.com/931WZAK/videos/10153245233536605/?fref=nf
    Here's some good solid advice from Madea and this silver fox.
    See the above attachment...

    Perhaps he was just a leaf in your life. Maybe even a branch, but definitely, not a solid root. I'd not only go on with your life, but I'd rejoin your friends group and have fun with them. Being hold up at home is not the answer.