Is my boyfriend verbally abusive or is he losing his temper like a normal person?

  • Jun 10, 2015 5:17 AM GMT
    I absolutely cannot stand getting yelled at. I know it seems silly but I can't deal with a large male raising their voice. I would rather my boyfriend cheat on me than raise his voice at me.

    The problem is, I don't know if I'm too sensitve or if he is losing his temper/yelling like every rational human being does? I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I love him but recent events make me think that I should find someone else.

    Last week, we were arguing about cleaning the apartment and I walked away and muttered under my breath that my ex didn't treat me like this. He walked faster, got in front of me and said: "say it again." So I did and then he yelled: "THEN GO BACK TO HIM." I was never under any impression that he would hit me, just intimidated by his yelling. Then just now he was studying for finals and as he was reading I flipped the book to a random page so he lost where he was at. I did this a couple more times and he was laughing with me. Then later I snuck up behind him and pressed my cold can of sprite against his neck and he turned around and yelled that I play too much and that I should "walk away for my own good"

    I feel like the person you're in a relationships with is supposed to make you happier but the opposite is happening in mine. I am growing more and more intimated by the person that is supposed to protect me. In my opinion, my boyfriend is in the wrong, I think being of Mexican origin makes him uncomfortable with the gay thing, and asserting dominance over me is how he copes with not being a true man in the eyes of his cultures. Any thoughts/insight would be appreciated.
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    Jun 10, 2015 5:30 AM GMT
    Seems more like he just lost his temper and yelled, as opposed to verbal abuse. Not justifying him yelling, but comparing your current boyfriend to an ex is always going to get a negative response and I don't think it's fair to do that. If you love him, you should let your feelings be known and talk things out, then you can decide how to move forward.
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    Jun 10, 2015 6:15 AM GMT
    Then you need learn how to deal with it, if you can't then why are you still with him when you got a problem with it?

    I believe he just lost his temper, you compared him to your ex and you even repeated it. Now that's clearly the definition of verbal abusive, if you didn't know. You better apologize for hurting his feelings.

    Love is not only about happiness and stuff that you mentioned. You love a person wholly, completely despite his short comings. Supporting and protecting each other unconditionally.

    Posts: 1321

    Jun 10, 2015 6:16 AM GMT
    I have never being yelled at, ever! I guess because I learn to listen to people, and definitely not provoke them when they are in a bad mood! it is also a good idea to observe what triggers your partner to having a negative reaction? I had an ex who used to get his anger and frustrations by slamming doors, instead of taking his anger out at me my yelling. I have also being in situations where people get angry, and instead of adding more fire to the fire, I sorta stand back, and give them the time and space needed to cool off.

    House chores should be shared, but one also have to understand there are times you just don't want to do them. As long as it doesn't become a pattern; I don't see a problem thou!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11421

    Jun 10, 2015 6:20 AM GMT
    Sounds like the first stages of an abusive relationship, (esp. that 'say it again' part) get help before it gets worse (help for him, maybe couple counseling) or get out while you are still whole.

    You also sound like you may have some self esteem issues. No one takes care of you, but you. And you also shouldn't be bringing up your old bf, that sounds a bit petty.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 901

    Jun 10, 2015 9:11 AM GMT
    You want to let your BF go through with his finals, and have a very open discussion about how you feel about him yelling at you. Some people are less sensitive to this, and the others, like yourself are very sensitive to it. A smart guy, will see where the problem is, and drop the yelling part.

    Life is a stressful experience for most people out there. The wise thing here is to discover the most efficient ways of coping with the amount of stress you are exposed to. This can be done together.

    Show understanding for his cultural background, but make sure that he too, understands that you have your own cultural background, too. Whereas, yelling may be acceptable where he comes from, this is not the case here and now. The wise thing here is to accept this fact, and behave accordingly.

    Explain to your BF that conflicts of all kinds are bound to happen in daily life. They call it 'grind' for a reason. A good way of dealing with the conflicts is to always remember that you love each other, and that this comes first. We all disagree with other people over many things in our daily lives. Yet, once you learn how to master the conflict resolution, your life improves significantly. The right way to achieve is through negotiation. No one wants to lose face, and no one wants to be always someone who is giving in all the time. This is where you both try to find the 'middle way', you give in some, and he does that, too. The result is usually something that both of you can live with.