Am I doing something to make guys lose interest?

  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Jun 10, 2015 5:32 PM GMT
    I'm 22, openly gay, and date. Quite a lot. I'm open to absolutely anything and I realise there is a very "in the moment" aspect to relationships, especially at my age. The problem is, I have never once had to reject a guy because I always find myself rejected first.

    Here's one example. (I know I can't base every guy off one rejection, but there's a very repetetive pattern and this format of me meeting someone nice, forming a mutual connection only to have them back off as my feelings grow, is making me think that it's something I'm doing wrong.) I met a guy off Grindr. We went on 5 dates in about 1 month and a half, so naturally at that point I had a pretty clear indication that I liked him. We texted every day, he told me he really liked me, he'd pick me up, we'd go to the cinema, restaurants, even took a day trip to another city where I had probably one of the best days of my life. So I couldn't understand, even after him telling me how much he'd enjoyed himself on the 5th date, why he suddenly went cold. I told him I wasn't dating anyone else and really liked him. He replied with he'd just gotten out of a serious relationship before meeting me and wasn't looking to get serious with anyone ever again any time soon. I felt very confused, and very lead on despite his excuse.

    I know no one on here knows me personally, but from an outsiders perspective, could it be something I'm doing wrong? I have dated many times, but I've never had a relationship. The guy always ends up telling me he's no longer interested in me in one way or another.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 10, 2015 5:44 PM GMT
    This is just one of the many reasons most people don't enjoy dating. People disconnect for a plethora of reasons. From the example you put above I think that he was just being honest about his intentions and didn't want to develope something serious. You wanted more and he knew he couldn't give it to you. That was nice of him and he sounds like he's a good guy.

    For the most part, I think people lose interest because they learn things about the other that they don't like. The only way to get to know someone is to spend time with them. The whole scaring people off is out of your control. Whatever you do don't change yourself to accommodate whoever your dating. You will be unhappy the whole relationship. The only thing I would suggest is to make it clear who you are and what you want early on so you don't get attached to someone who isn't interested.

    Good luck
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 10, 2015 5:45 PM GMT
    Well, that's generally the pattern until you find "the one." Try not making your relationships all about definitions. Just enjoy the guy you're with and see what happens. Sure, it's nice to be able to tell a guy that he's important to you, to take it to a higher level. But at 22, most guys are exploring and just enjoying life. You sound like you want to settle down. It may take some time to find a guy your age who wants that, too, but they are out there. Just don't make settling down your goal while you're looking. It suggests that who the guy is is less important than the goal of settling down. You need more than that to fall in love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 10, 2015 5:59 PM GMT
    Don't give your heart away that quick, getting too attached is gonna hurt you at the end! That guy who dated you for 5 times within a month, he is either using you as a rebound or doesn't wanna get into something serious. It doesn't really matter now whatever his reasons were, no one other than himself can answer that.

    Just... Take it slowly. There's actually no need to rush for dates, and Grindr nowadays, is well known as a hookup app. If you want real dates, it's probably better to avoid it.
  • Elian

    Posts: 60

    Jun 10, 2015 7:15 PM GMT
    I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

    My own and my friend's experience is that guys in general tend to not be ready for a relationship. I find exactly the same pattern you describe

    I think in the end it comes down to which kind of guy you are dating. Going too quick, making yourself available all the time, acting as a married couple too soon all that sort of things can scare many guys (not saying you are doing that). I guess you are probably a good guy and maybe being too sincere too quick, so migjt need to hold back a bit (without becoming bitter or a worse person if possible)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 10, 2015 8:50 PM GMT
    The "danger zone" is the period between you having sex and meeting their friends (not your friends) for the first time. Lots of people who have not dated much hate the idea of introducing a partner to their friends. Ideally meet their friends before you have sex for the first time.
  • ijayleo

    Posts: 2

    Jun 11, 2015 7:18 PM GMT
    From what I can gather by reading your post, in my opinion, i would that that it isnt anything that your are doing wrong so dont start to doubt yourself. If something doesnt work out there are always a multitude of reasons as to why it didnt work out as well as a multitude of reasons as to why it should have worked out but worrying about those things isnt healthy at all.

    I think the reality of dating is that you can know exactly what the other person is thinking and if it doesnt work out and you really want to know why, maybe try asking, honesty is always best in my experience. If you have asked and chatted about it and the guy is still cold then i think it just means he isnt the right one.

    I know how you feeling though, i have also had experiences when i thought things were going incredibly well with a guy and then he literally stopped all contact with me for no reason. It sucks but when you meet the right guy things will work out. Try not to rush it and just take things as they come icon_smile.gif

    Sorry if this seems just like rambling, but i hope it helps icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 11, 2015 8:31 PM GMT
    Lewnatic said... He replied with he'd just gotten out of a serious relationship before meeting me and wasn't looking to get serious with anyone ever again any time soon...
    why is there confusion here at least for this specific example?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 11, 2015 11:07 PM GMT
    Is it possible you're coming on too strong for them, in other words, suggesting things more along faster than they are ready? Another way of asking if you might appear to be clingy or too much in need.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2015 2:26 AM GMT
    If you went from brunette to blonde, I'd probably lose interest. It's kind of like my male friend lost interest with me after I cut my hair. Back to the point. The second picture in your profile is very beautiful. I'd want him, not the blonde in the first picture.

    (Getting a little more serious)

    Grindr.

    (Getting a little more serious)

    Is there not a Gay and Bisexual Center that may have dating events? We had them at the Center in NYC. At such events, the shared interest is dating.

    Did anything in his Grindr profile show he was looking for a heart-to-heart male friend with whom a future could be shared?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2015 2:45 AM GMT
    Find someone who wants this kind of friendship:

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 12, 2015 4:47 AM GMT
    It's your breath.

    Seriously, I'm psychic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2015 3:09 AM GMT
    Lewnatic saidI'm 22, openly gay, and date. Quite a lot. I'm open to absolutely anything and I realise there is a very "in the moment" aspect to relationships, especially at my age. The problem is, I have never once had to reject a guy because I always find myself rejected first.

    Here's one example. (I know I can't base every guy off one rejection, but there's a very repetetive pattern and this format of me meeting someone nice, forming a mutual connection only to have them back off as my feelings grow, is making me think that it's something I'm doing wrong.) I met a guy off Grindr. We went on 5 dates in about 1 month and a half, so naturally at that point I had a pretty clear indication that I liked him. We texted every day, he told me he really liked me, he'd pick me up, we'd go to the cinema, restaurants, even took a day trip to another city where I had probably one of the best days of my life. So I couldn't understand, even after him telling me how much he'd enjoyed himself on the 5th date, why he suddenly went cold. I told him I wasn't dating anyone else and really liked him. He replied with he'd just gotten out of a serious relationship before meeting me and wasn't looking to get serious with anyone ever again any time soon. I felt very confused, and very lead on despite his excuse.

    I know no one on here knows me personally, but from an outsiders perspective, could it be something I'm doing wrong? I have dated many times, but I've never had a relationship. The guy always ends up telling me he's no longer interested in me in one way or another.


    Gay men in general follow this philosophy: "Find them, fuck them, leave them and onto the next."

    Even the nicest guys can be the biggest fakes. It's the desire for the next bigger/better thing and variety is the spice of life even if it's only one flavor you enjoy.

    I think most of us can say we've been through it. You meet a guy and seem to have chemistry, you hit it off and you're excited because you look forward to seeing them again. Then they don't call, no communication and you never hear from them again. Some guys are so trashy they will meet another guy the same night you finish hanging out with them and that's their next focus.

    Unfortunately it's just how it is. Like a flip of a switch your light goes out and they're the fly attracted to the other light off in the distance.