How to get over lost friendships?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2015 9:59 AM GMT
    The brief story is:

    -When I was 13 I made my best friend who happened to be christian, who believed that being gay was wrong, was a choice blah blah etc
    -At the time I did not know I was gay so I just ignored it
    -I then found out I was gay
    -He somehow found out I was gay
    -We never speak to each other anymore and luckily I have moved away now



    So I thought I was over this but I just had an interview today were she noticed that I take a while to warm-up to people and trust them. So she directed the conversation towards this subject, basically made me come out to her and tell her why I find it hard. She said that she was worried that I would not fit well in the team, that there might be another role suitable, she'll speak with her manager blah blah etc.

    I haven't actually been so upset in ages and rarely cry (last time I cried was when my mum hit me like 7 years ago), but my eyes were very watery and and did cry a little when I got back and now feel super worthless (which I'll get over eventually), but I don't want it to be difficult for me to form "short-term" relationships and be the quiet one. Once I've come out to people, depending on how they react I'm fine, but I don't want to be "weak", this is pretty much why I really respect the "feminine gays", even though I'm truly not one I find it very strong.

    Don't think that I'll get the job though haha icon_redface.gif
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Jun 12, 2015 12:01 PM GMT
    Your sexual orientation should never be a subject of a job interview unless you are applying for a position in a gay business where your being gay would be of huge advantage to that business. Say, you want to work as a bartender in a gay bar. Your guests would want to chat with you, and exchange stories. To some extent, being gay would be an advantage.

    The idea that you need to warm 0-70 in 3 seconds flat to the perfectly unknown people is preposterous. A serious business expects a serious professional attitude. You just avoided a bad trap, and not a good position.

    There will be always people out there who find it their business to judge your sexual orientation. Whatever their reasons may be, rest assured that they are completely and utterly wrong. Your private and intimate life is purely your business. If they cannot live with it you are much better moving on, and leaving them to their own policing mores.


    SC
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    Jun 12, 2015 1:32 PM GMT
    That's flat out discrimination. I don't know the laws where you are, but it may be in your best interest to find out.
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    Jun 12, 2015 2:10 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidThat's flat out discrimination. I don't know the laws where you are, but it may be in your best interest to find out.


    I don't think she actually meant to, but there was no other way of explaining it without me mentioning it. I think she realised that and quickly steered the conversation elsewhere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2015 2:37 PM GMT
    WTF
    Job interview??
    what kind of job???

    "Noticed to you don't warm up to people" WTF
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2015 2:43 PM GMT
    OH

    --UK?
    ..never-mind.

    Hugs buddy

    Yeah. lost most of my friends coming out--still stings; fuck them.
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    Jun 12, 2015 3:34 PM GMT
    Maybe I'm a little dense this morning, but I really didn't understand the connection between your crying and the job interview. Sad about the way potential employers view you? Or sad about the 13 year old rejecting you? If the latter, you need to get over it. I'm not a therapist - I don't know how, but you need to leave those feelings behind as you are an adult now. You can't do anything about the past - it was what it was. Do your best to wipe this kid out of your memory.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2015 3:55 PM GMT
    " I just had an interview today were she noticed that I take a while to warm-up to people and trust them.
    So she directed the conversation towards this subject, basically made me come out to her"


    Even though this woman had the power to offer you a job, I don't think you owed her your personal story.

    HERE'S THE LESSON: The next time you get a trick question in a job interview, answer in a way that presents your strengths and only your strengths.

    When dealing with an interviewer, learn how to 'warm-up' without immediately trusting him/her.
    Your interviewer is not your therapist!
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    Jun 12, 2015 4:03 PM GMT
    I don't think the interviewer was out of her line of questions , the OP open the door and felt comfortable enough to confide to her ..
    Is he going to get the job ? , it might or it might not , but we cannot say it won't because of his sexual orientation , it might be because he is unfit for the position ..
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    Jun 12, 2015 6:16 PM GMT
    HikerSkier saidMaybe I'm a little dense this morning, but I really didn't understand the connection between your crying and the job interview. Sad about the way potential employers view you? Or sad about the 13 year old rejecting you? If the latter, you need to get over it. I'm not a therapist - I don't know how, but you need to leave those feelings behind as you are an adult now. You can't do anything about the past - it was what it was. Do your best to wipe this kid out of your memory.


    We are the same age now, will still sometimes cross paths when I go back home to visit my parents because he lives 2 doors down ^^

    Usually I'm fine, it just might have ruined my chance to get the job as it might have appeared that I'm mentally unstable or something haha :L

    FitnessWorker said" I just had an interview today were she noticed that I take a while to warm-up to people and trust them.
    So she directed the conversation towards this subject, basically made me come out to her"


    Even though this woman had the power to offer you a job, I don't think you owed her your personal story.

    HERE'S THE LESSON: The next time you get a trick question in a job interview, answer in a way that presents your strengths and only your strengths.

    When dealing with an interviewer, learn how to 'warm-up' without immediately trusting him/her.
    Your interviewer is not your therapist!


    Thanks for the interview tip :3


    neffa saidI don't think the interviewer was out of her line of questions , the OP open the door and felt comfortable enough to confide to her ..
    Is he going to get the job ? , it might or it might not , but we cannot say it won't because of his sexual orientation , it might be because he is unfit for the position ..


    I don't think she was out of line either, at most just too nosey. She definitely wasn't homophobic btw ^^'
  • ai82

    Posts: 183

    Jun 13, 2015 9:53 PM GMT
    One of my favorite quotes regarding friends is something to the effect of "friends are in your realm for a finite amount of time for a reason." You grow, change, move away, etc. Some people you keep in touch with, some you don't. You dont really get over lost friends, you just realize that the time for your relationship and come and gone. Otherwise, try to reconnect with them.

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 14, 2015 4:06 AM GMT
    Remington47 said
    paulflexes saidThat's flat out discrimination. I don't know the laws where you are, but it may be in your best interest to find out.


    I don't think she actually meant to, but there was no other way of explaining it without me mentioning it. I think she realised that and quickly steered the conversation elsewhere.


    ______________________________________________________
    WHY are you offering that you're gay, in a job interview ?
    You're not applying to be a gay person.
    That is nowhere in the job description, so it's completely irrelevant.

    Interviewing for a job is like being an actor, auditioning for a role.

    Next time, go on line, and find out as much as you can about the company, so that you can tell the interviewer why you want to work there.

    Then, study the job description, and the desired qualifications.

    Then, rewrite your resume' to indicate why you are the best candidate for that job.

    Be prepared to back up everything that's on your resume' with examples, because the interviewer will definitely ask for them.

    Learn from your mistakes.
    The more interviews you do, the easier it gets.




  • metta

    Posts: 39090

    Jun 15, 2015 6:33 AM GMT
    Just learn from your experience and try to be more friendly. The person interviewing you is not a therapist. That is not the time to bring stuff like that up.

    What you have experienced, I don't think is uncommon...as there are many reasons why friendships end...people change...how they look at life changes...people can grow apart....etc. Someone that would drop you for being gay was not a very good friend to begin with. Why would you want to continue to be a friend with someone like that?