Black gay men and self-hate

  • zelon1

    Posts: 81

    Jun 15, 2015 4:50 PM GMT
    It seems like black men want nothing to do w/ each other out here (SF, Cali) and will look right past each other to chase down a white or Asian guy. I'm not judging anyone's preference, but I believe there's strong element of self-loathing when it comes to these brothas. I just finished my freshman year at SF State and it was a nightmare. I'm originally from the south and was looking to connect w/ other like-minded black gay men like myself but their heads are so far up any non-black man's ass it's pathetic. And what's funny is I overhear conversations between these "brothas" and their friends about how white men won't pay them any mind...they claim they're being sexually discriminated against, but they're doing the EXACT same thing to guys who share the same complexion and features as them. I dunno about other gay black men, but I LOVE other black men and find us incredibly sexy and charming. I've tried developing friendships w/ other black gays in SF/Castro area and they all look at me funny or roll their eyes when I try and engage them conversation. Even on a friendship tip, I've had these "brothas" tell me they prefer to "chill" w/ Asian or white guys in their inner circle. The self-hate among these men is so unnerving, it's makes me utterly ashamed to be a black man out here. Because these men have absolutely no self-respect or pride in their own race. They will run up behind anything that looks lighter than them. Please tell me I'm not alone, I feel like I'm all alone out here.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Jun 15, 2015 5:51 PM GMT
    (1). Your profile is a day old and you posted a really trollish OP, but I'll bite.

    (2). I've heard what you're talking about, but I don't see it personally. In fact, I see the opposite. I see black guys tending--not always, but tending--to self-segregate and congregate just like white men or Latinos do. If anything, I'd argue that I've seen more whites who affirmatively LIKE black guys as opposed to black guys who DISLIKE other black guys.

    (3). Perhaps race was a larger issue in the past decade or so, because the idea you're tapping into definitely is a known phenomenon, but I think it's more of a myth nowadays. I simply don't see what you're talking about. If anything, the only racism I see, in any meaningful way, are online profiles by (usually) white men that say "white, latino only." And those guys tend to be older, like 40 or older, meaning they grew up in a more racist time and that's simply a vestigial member left from their upbringing in a (warped) society.

    (4). If you want to have a larger conversation about the LGBT community and their institutional marginalization of everything not 18 and white from a normative sense in our community, then we can talk (frankly I think the biggest 'ism' the LGBT community needs to confront is AGEISM). But I don't think this dynamic should be affecting your friendships or intimate/dating relationships. It hasn't mine one bit. And I've dated black, Latino, white and an Indian (east) men. And I've hooked up with every race except Albino lol.
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    Jun 15, 2015 7:13 PM GMT
    Might just be because of the other guy's threads
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Jun 15, 2015 7:39 PM GMT
    It helps to understand that the freedom of association allows for each and every one of us to associate ourselves with the people we like to associate with.

    We may not like the idea that some guys only want to date white/black/asian studs age 21-24. But we must always remember that this is their choice, and yes, they are absolutely free to make such or any other choice, and change it whenever they feel like it.

    It also helps to understand that no one can do much about this. Trying to socially engineer people has so far, failed miserably. And frankly, this is a quixotic undertaking to start with.

  • Matthew56

    Posts: 392

    Jun 15, 2015 8:02 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]zelon1 said[/cite]It seems like black men want nothing to do w/ each other out here (SF, Cali) and will look right past each other to chase down a white or Asian guy. I'm not judging anyone's preference, but I believe there's strong element of self-loathing when it comes to these brothas. I just finished my freshman year at SF State and it was a nightmare. I'm originally from the south and was looking to connect w/ other like-minded black gay men like myself but their heads are so far up any non-black man's ass it's pathetic. And what's funny is I overhear conversations between these "brothas" and their friends about how white men won't pay them any mind...they claim they're being sexually discriminated against, but they're doing the EXACT same thing to guys who share the same complexion and features as them. I dunno about other gay black men, but I LOVE other black men and find us incredibly sexy and charming. I've tried developing friendships w/ other black gays in SF/Castro area and they all look at me funny or roll their eyes when I try and engage them conversation. Even on a friendship tip, I've had these "brothas" tell me they prefer to "chill" w/ Asian or white guys in their inner circle. The self-hate among these men is so unnerving, it's makes me utterly ashamed to be a black man out here. Because these men have absolutely no self-respect or pride in their own race. They will run up behind anything that looks lighter than them. Please tell me I'm not alone, I feel like I'm all alone out here.[/quote

    Well of course it's because of the gay racial hierarchy you know white men at the top black second. East Asian third so of course they are going to chase for white men as its a status symbol for them
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2015 8:23 PM GMT

    @ the post above.

    giphy.gif
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    Jun 15, 2015 8:31 PM GMT
    LOL ... SOmehow this thread reminds me of .... icon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_redface.gificon_lol.gificon_wink.gificon_rolleyes.gif

    CeTaY60.jpg

    tyson-chandler-hugged-jeremy-lin-before-

    image54.jpg

    131949010_41n.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2015 8:44 PM GMT
    No disrespect, but don't use the word "brothas" as an antagonizing word. Just because there are other Black people who might disagree with your sexual preferences, does not mean that they get points deducted from their "Black Identification Card". Unless the people in Question are actively trying to bring about the end to Black society/culture, or are ACTIVELY voicing their opinions against their own race, don't do that. I apologize for that rant, I have personal issue with said word and dating.....

    As for your experiences...I dont know. I would say to just keep trying until you find that special someone.





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    Jun 15, 2015 8:44 PM GMT

    Well in any case, if somebody thinks having me on their arm is a status symbol, I'll take it. But it better not be simply because I'm white. It better because I'm drop-dead gorgeous with a killer smile, dressed to kill, and have a huge c--k.

  • ZakSayWhat

    Posts: 573

    Jun 15, 2015 8:49 PM GMT
    omg i love black men and their penises.

    i also like how handsy they get in the clubs but after a while im like omg chill i wanna get drunk
  • venue35

    Posts: 4644

    Jun 15, 2015 9:30 PM GMT
    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Jun 15, 2015 9:38 PM GMT
    If people like Spazzy, Fuzzypecs, and Matthew are any inclination of black men, no wonder why nobody wants them...icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 15, 2015 9:40 PM GMT
    I can't really say much since I'm usually tuned in myself and inept about courtship, but it could be just a preference. A friend of mine is mixed, but prefers white guys. I don't really have a racial preference, but it seems Caucasian and Asian men are my kryptonite. However, I will say that the black gays I've met and acquired as friends are rather "lively" aka sassy and exuberant, which I don't mind as in our friendships, it creates a balance I like, and some strangers were pretty cool, too. I'd say just keep fishing about until you find someone.
  • zelon1

    Posts: 81

    Jun 15, 2015 10:52 PM GMT
    Junny saidI can't really say much since I'm usually tuned in myself and inept about courtship, but it could be just a preference. A friend of mine is mixed, but prefers white guys. I don't really have a racial preference, but it seems Caucasian and Asian men are my kryptonite. However, I will say that the black gays I've met and acquired as friends are rather "lively" aka sassy and exuberant, which I don't mind as in our friendships, it creates a balance I like, and some strangers were pretty cool, too. I'd say just keep fishing about until you find someone.


    Why are they your kryptonite? Why do you hate your black skin?
    You've been conditioned to hate yourself. If you cannot find beauty in someone that looks like you then you are self-loathing. You devalue your own blackness in favor of anything lighter.

    But that's okay my brother because it love your blackness. I think it's beautiful and I wish you felt the same about yourself.
  • ZakSayWhat

    Posts: 573

    Jun 15, 2015 11:08 PM GMT
    I'm black.
  • Matthew56

    Posts: 392

    Jun 15, 2015 11:58 PM GMT
    zelon1 said
    Junny saidI can't really say much since I'm usually tuned in myself and inept about courtship, but it could be just a preference. A friend of mine is mixed, but prefers white guys. I don't really have a racial preference, but it seems Caucasian and Asian men are my kryptonite. However, I will say that the black gays I've met and acquired as friends are rather "lively" aka sassy and exuberant, which I don't mind as in our friendships, it creates a balance I like, and some strangers were pretty cool, too. I'd say just keep fishing about until you find someone.


    Why are they your kryptonite? Why do you hate your black skin?
    You've been conditioned to hate yourself. If you cannot find beauty in someone that looks like you then you are self-loathing. You devalue your own blackness in favor of anything lighter.

    But that's okay my brother because it love your blackness. I think it's beautiful and I wish you felt the same about yourself.


    So what if he does not like black men he is not any obligation to like black men sexually. I don't like black men sexually and they don't do it for me and I make no apologies for that
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    Jun 16, 2015 12:16 AM GMT
    ZakSayWhat saidI'm black.
    OMG really?!?!? I never noticed! icon_razz.gif
  • zelon1

    Posts: 81

    Jun 16, 2015 12:31 AM GMT
    Matthew56 said
    zelon1 said
    Junny saidI can't really say much since I'm usually tuned in myself and inept about courtship, but it could be just a preference. A friend of mine is mixed, but prefers white guys. I don't really have a racial preference, but it seems Caucasian and Asian men are my kryptonite. However, I will say that the black gays I've met and acquired as friends are rather "lively" aka sassy and exuberant, which I don't mind as in our friendships, it creates a balance I like, and some strangers were pretty cool, too. I'd say just keep fishing about until you find someone.


    Why are they your kryptonite? Why do you hate your black skin?
    You've been conditioned to hate yourself. If you cannot find beauty in someone that looks like you then you are self-loathing. You devalue your own blackness in favor of anything lighter.

    But that's okay my brother because it love your blackness. I think it's beautiful and I wish you felt the same about yourself.


    So what if he does not like black men he is not any obligation to like black men sexually. I don't like black men sexually and they don't do it for me and I make no apologies for that


    Because you are a self-loathing coon.
  • zelon1

    Posts: 81

    Jun 16, 2015 1:50 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidAssuming the OP is legit, I'll contribute. I have seen this before. It's not just limited to black gay men but some people (of color) make it their life's mission to hang out with white folks thinking it will lighten themselves up in some way.

    I, for one, am sick of the whiny complaints that a lot of black men repeat here or on other sites (e.g. "no white guy wants me, blah blah blah..."). It's even worse with a lot of Asian men crying about the same thing.

    It's refreshing to see a man of color say he wishes he could find other guys like him.

    Where from the south exactly are you from, zelon1?


    I blame their self-hating dispositions on both the black and gay community. Being a black gay man is one hell of a plight, because you get hate and opposition from all angles. You truly never fit in anywhere being a double minority. The black community doesn't accept you, the gay community doesn't accept you. So I can see why a lot of these brothers harbor such hatred for themselves wanting to associate/chase down anything that looks like the opposite of themselves. I'm just blessed to have completely love myself and other men that look like me. I won't lie, I have seen some very handsome white, Asian, Latino, east Indian guys. However, I don't desperately chase them down/exclusively date them over my own. That's a blatant self-loathing mentality and that's a FACT!

    What I find funny is white and Asian are constantly hitting me up/approaching me in public and I'm not even one of those "snow queen" type of brothers. And they're shocked when I tell them that I prefer to date other black men like myself. They tell me most black guys (in my area) would jump at the chance to get w/ them.

    I also want to clarify that I don't give a shit what you uncle tom, self-hating coons do with your bodies. If you want to let white men objectify you for their mandingo fetish then go right ahead. I'm not attracted to coons/self-loathing black men anyways because they are WEAK and lack any sort of identity for who they are. They're so desperate to immerse themselves into the white gay community that they forget who they are. I like strong, confident, self-aware, afro-conscious black gay men who stand proud and love their black skin. Self-haters and coons TO THE LEFT.
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    Jun 16, 2015 2:27 AM GMT
    OP, I understand very well.

    I've been in the minority as I've lived in Asia and South America and I've encountered plenty of my fellow white guys who wanted nothing to do with me even as a friend.

    And I should be ashamed to tell you that I've done the same. Just like them I wanted to get to know the culture I was new to----not my own people.

    It took time but I did make friends with my fellow Anglos while I got more and more comfortable with new culture.

    Be Yourself. This will work out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2015 2:39 AM GMT
    San Francisco (The Castro) is more of a White/Asian gay men majority city. OP, if you want other Black men, you might want to join an organization, or try the East bay, or go to a night where it's all Blacks night in SF. Kinda like Esta Noche for Latin/Gay Drag scene.

    I know that in LA here, Rage on Sunday night *Hip Hop night and the last club I went to **The BAR seem to be full of black gay men single and mixing. You shouldn't hate other *black men for not wanting you or whatever, you should try to make new great and positive vibes friends, regardless of their color, then maybe one of those good friend will turn into a loyal bf. It sorta happened to me with my last ex. GL icon_biggrin.gif

    This topic made me wonder about straight black celebs too, like Kanye West, Robin Roberts, Wesley Snipes, Tiger Woods. Most of them have non-black partners.
  • zelon1

    Posts: 81

    Jun 16, 2015 3:07 AM GMT
    LAXWill10 said

    This topic made me wonder about straight black celebs too, like Kanye West, Robin Roberts, Wesley Snipes, Tiger Woods. Most of them have non-black partners.


    Because self-hate in our community runs deeps. Our straight counterparts also desperately want to disassociate themselves from their blackness.

    Hell, EVERY openly gay black celebrity has a non-black partner: Michael Sam, Wanda Sykes, Derrick Gordon, Frank Ocean, Lee Daniels etc. the list goes on
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Jun 16, 2015 3:12 AM GMT
    No lies told. There is a hyper fetishization of white men among gay men. I think it's damaging to all involved to be honest.
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    Jun 16, 2015 3:16 AM GMT
    I'll be honest. I just don't find myself having much in common with the black gay community. I find most, not all, of the black gay men I encountered on two extreme ends of a spectrum.

    Either they are ultra fem, finger snapping, eye-rolling, Vogue dancing queens....

    Or...

    They are DL, closet case, Ebonics talking, hoodrats...much like Spazzy...icon_lol.gif


    Either way, the circles I run in have little contact with characters like these men described.

    And if we are really being honest, I don't find black features attractive. I know not all black men look the same, but by and large, most have coarse hair, thick noses, dark skin, and large lips. That isn't appealing to me. So sue me. I won't let anybody make me feel ashamed to what I'm attracted to....
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Jun 16, 2015 3:26 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidI'll be honest. I just don't find myself having much in common with the black gay community. I find most, not all, of the black gay men I encountered on two extreme ends of a spectrum.

    Either they are ultra fem, finger snapping, eye-rolling, Vogue dancing queens....

    Or...

    They are DL, closet case, Ebonics talking, hoodrats...much like Spazzy...icon_lol.gif


    Either way, the circles I run in have little contact with characters like these men described.

    And if we are really being honest, I don't find black features attractive. I know not all black men look the same, but by and large, most have coarse hair, thick noses, dark skin, and large lips. That isn't appealing to me. So sue me. I won't let anybody make me feel ashamed to what I'm attracted to....


    I think the lady doth protest too much. But, I get your point. There is a middle ground between the finger snapping dancing queen and the DL thug though. These stereotypes get perpetuated by the media. Go and hang out in a "black gay bar" and you will see what I am talking about. Most of the black men are pretty fuckin' average by any standard.

    Since when is having coarse hair, dark skin, and large lips a bad thing? Those can be very appealing traits. Enough so that some people want to emulate them.

    You are living in a white supremacist imperialist society and you yourself are a "minority", don't think for a second you are a part of "that club". icon_wink.gif