I am lonely, isolated, frustrated, and overwhelmed.

  • AlexDSSF

    Posts: 35

    Jun 26, 2015 5:38 AM GMT
    Let me tell you about myself: I'm 33 years old. I'm Filipino-American. I'm originally from San Francisco, but now I live in Fairfield, California, which is halfway between San Francisco and Sacramento. I have depression and social anxiety issues. I haven't held a steady job since I got my Associate of Arts degree over a decade ago. I can't tell you how many times I get annoyed when I come across an ad for an entry-level position in any field that requires four years of previous experience. I live with my parents, one of whom is on dialysis (my father) and the other has had back problems and breast cancer (my mother). I try to make things easier for them, but I get little to no credit for it. I don't have any friends where I live, other than my dogs. Most of my friends are on Facebook, and that's not enough. I get frustrated very easily. My dad can ask (nay, MANDATE) me to move a stupid concrete tile for a stupid home renovation project, and I'll get so grumpy that I very well need an aspirin afterwards. There's absolutely nothing to do in Fairfield, be it for employment or recreation, unless you're in the military or work at fucking WalMart. I'm trying to launch my writing career, but it often feels like a worthless cause since it's not a lucrative gig like coding, even though it's the only thing that I know how to do, and yet I'm even doubting my skills in that regard.

    I often feel uneasy talking about my problems to anyone, even anonymously, because it will always come down to "someone has it worse than you" or some other trite bullshit. No one understands me; not my parents, not my siblings, not my other relatives, and not even my Facebook friends. I would like to see a therapist, but there are slim pickings in my county and all the good and expensive therapy is far, far away in other parts of the Bay Area, and I don't have a driver's licence or a car. I'm actually scared of driving. It's such an involved and complicated process, that given what I'm going through, it's best for humanity that I never sit behind the wheel. Not only do I have depression and social anxiety, but there is a chance that I am on the autism spectrum. I need specialized care for that, and under my current health insurance, there is little to nothing out there. At times I'm envious of people with more pronounced ailments. People with depression can't go to a clinic and have their problems cleaned out of their blood three times a week. People with depression can't go to the hospital and have their problems surgically removed like a tumor and have chemotherapy afterwards. I try to maintain some control and sanity in my life, such as staying in my room when things get tough at home, taking my medication, going grocery shopping (thanks to my SNAP benefits), going online, and taking bike rides. But it isn't enough. Nothing is enough these days. I sometimes feel like I'm talking to an endless succession of brick walls. I'm falling apart.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 26, 2015 6:21 AM GMT
    A journey begins with a first step
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    Jun 26, 2015 6:46 AM GMT
    It looks like you're within extended walking distance of some fairly scenic (though admittedly not breathtaking) areas. Have you tried just walking -- not even necessarily cycling -- in search of silence and fresh air?

    When I had a similar home dynamic years ago, one of the most therapeutic things I could do was to go out and meander. Retreating into my room had some value but it was a poor substitute for being outdoors in the sun and wind, where my mind could roam free and the minutia around me were all healthy parts of a greater whole instead of persistent points of aggravation.

    If you're looking for access to health services and/or civilization, I would think that with your SNAP eligibility you could get a reduced-fare Clipper card and find regional transport to the Concord/Pittsburg BART. It wouldn't be super convenient, but it could at least be another way of breaking out of a rut and opening your options up.
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    Jun 26, 2015 1:33 PM GMT
    I read what you wrote about how you're feeling and what you're experiencing at home. I read your profile as well, and it seems that you like guys who are built and gym toned. You have one suggestion (above me here) about walking. That is a good one. I like going for hikes (alone or with others) and just thoroughly enjoying trees and nature. One suggestion is to get to a gym. Do what I did. Transform your body into what you are attracted to. Others will notice, believe me. Most importantly, you will feel so much better. Exercise pumps that into our systems. You come out of the gym (I know I do) feeling like a new man.

    Aside from this, try to see a good counselor whenever you can find one. But in the meantime, try exercise, and good books. Try to meet up with a few of your Facebook buddies. Meet some new friends at the gym. Good luck!
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Jun 26, 2015 2:42 PM GMT
    You must develop the strength to engage the world around you. If that requires a trip to an MD -- preferably a psychiatrist -- who is willing to prescribe meds in moderation -- followed by counseling, then do it.

    On another note, you are typical of so many who choose what they want to do in life for personal pleasure versus what one must do to survive by providing for themselves. Art and writing will not pay the bills while you try to bump-start a career that may never occur.

    Pause and think about this. You cited your dad, tile, and renovations. Would it not be better to use your artistic streak in those remodeling efforts than sitting and stewing about how horrible life can be? See the link below on my profile. The achievement in that photo is also for those who can do such work ---- and subsequent mobility for those who placed it.
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    Jun 26, 2015 2:58 PM GMT
    In evolutionary medicine terms your body chemistry is whack because you are not living a "natural" life style so you are being culled from the breeding stock. It's amazing how hormones control everything. Read Robb Wolf's book The Paleo Solution to fix your body chemistry . He turned himself around from a similar state as you.
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    Jun 26, 2015 8:58 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Fairfield is sort of a ghost town, nothing there really. Life's about taking risks, You should apply and go for your second-stable job, writing is just an unstable career. You might want to move to San Francisco since you don't drive or relocate to a bigger city. Ask around, ask friends and try to network. I know that in Asian family, sometimes the family obligation is so huge that you feel guilty about it but you know what, Don't. You need to live your life and experience it too. You should try to get a driver license. If you still feel depressed, then I suggest talking with good friends first, then maybe a therapist. GL icon_cool.gif
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2605

    Jun 26, 2015 11:25 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear of your troubles.
    I can`t second enough the advice to exercise, preferably outdoors and among natural things, walking, running, ruck marching, cycling, whatever you can do and enjoy. You need to get out more and feel it, regardless of what others say or think.
    I began distance running in 2006 and it`s really helped me; the psychological benefit has been much the most the striking feature of doing it. I feel more positive and optimistic about myself and everything, my moods are more stable, I sleep better, etc.
    I would recommend you keep pursuing your dream of writing, even if it pays little or nothing immediately. We do need something like this that makes our hearts sing. But try to find some work that will allow you to live more and pay bills. If may be unrewarding for now, but the writing will be compensation, and even working so will add to your repertoire of writing material.
    Best wishes.
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    Jun 27, 2015 1:14 AM GMT
    AlexDSSF saidLet me tell you about myself: I'm 33 years old. I'm Filipino-American. I'm originally from San Francisco, but now I live in Fairfield, California, which is halfway between San Francisco and Sacramento. I have depression and social anxiety issues. I haven't held a steady job since I got my Associate of Arts degree over a decade ago. I can't tell you how many times I get annoyed when I come across an ad for an entry-level position in any field that requires four years of previous experience. I live with my parents, one of whom is on dialysis (my father) and the other has had back problems and breast cancer (my mother). I try to make things easier for them, but I get little to no credit for it. I don't have any friends where I live, other than my dogs. Most of my friends are on Facebook, and that's not enough. I get frustrated very easily. My dad can ask (nay, MANDATE) me to move a stupid concrete tile for a stupid home renovation project, and I'll get so grumpy that I very well need an aspirin afterwards. There's absolutely nothing to do in Fairfield, be it for employment or recreation, unless you're in the military or work at fucking WalMart. I'm trying to launch my writing career, but it often feels like a worthless cause since it's not a lucrative gig like coding, even though it's the only thing that I know how to do, and yet I'm even doubting my skills in that regard.

    I often feel uneasy talking about my problems to anyone, even anonymously, because it will always come down to "someone has it worse than you" or some other trite bullshit. No one understands me; not my parents, not my siblings, not my other relatives, and not even my Facebook friends. I would like to see a therapist, but there are slim pickings in my county and all the good and expensive therapy is far, far away in other parts of the Bay Area, and I don't have a driver's licence or a car. I'm actually scared of driving. It's such an involved and complicated process, that given what I'm going through, it's best for humanity that I never sit behind the wheel. Not only do I have depression and social anxiety, but there is a chance that I am on the autism spectrum. I need specialized care for that, and under my current health insurance, there is little to nothing out there. At times I'm envious of people with more pronounced ailments. People with depression can't go to a clinic and have their problems cleaned out of their blood three times a week. People with depression can't go to the hospital and have their problems surgically removed like a tumor and have chemotherapy afterwards. I try to maintain some control and sanity in my life, such as staying in my room when things get tough at home, taking my medication, going grocery shopping (thanks to my SNAP benefits), going online, and taking bike rides. But it isn't enough. Nothing is enough these days. I sometimes feel like I'm talking to an endless succession of brick walls. I'm falling apart.


    Please go to the free site www.astro.com and in the forum there, post your natal chart and the special chart: Astromap North America. Make sure both are 75% size. When you do your forum post there, you can make your Original Post here, your Original Post there.

    P.S.: Science is coming back around to Astrology:

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    Jun 27, 2015 1:14 AM GMT
    Hang in there. When you're going through hell... keep going through it until you're out of it.
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    Jun 27, 2015 1:25 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have a car nor my license (because I'm moronic) and am also a writer. I believe everyone before me has given some great advice, but aside from bike riding, have you ever considered writing out your thoughts, just to have a way of expressing yourself whenever you're at home? That's what I used to do. It's not much, but it helps. You could also find sites where you can post your writing (if you're working on anything like short or long fiction, or poetry for examples). Best of wishes.
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    Jun 27, 2015 2:00 AM GMT
    Find a Frontrunners organization ( a group of gay runners and walkers) or a number of gay sports team and join them. They do things together, eat together, and so on. If sports is not for you (which would surprise me since you are on realjock.com), suggest finding a gay hiking group.
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    Jun 27, 2015 4:06 AM GMT
    The FIRST thing you should do is get your drivers license. Take private driving lessons to get comfortable with being behind the wheel. I think California is a very spread out state with minimal public transportation. That is not good. Once you get the courage and skills to drive, you'll be able to go more places and do more things. You'll be conquering one of your demons. Save your money to buy a used car or just borrow your parent's car. If you can't find a job in your chosen field, then get ANY job just to have an income. Save and use that money to get a car and get an apartment. Use the time living with your parents to start saving money. Once you get your apartment and your car, you'll get more confidence to do other things. Will there be setbacks to your progress? Yes. But don't give up. Once you get the driver's license, things will start to fall into place. In your profile, you mentioned that you self-diagnosed yourself with Aspergers. Never diagnose yourself. Get a professional to do that. You may not have Aspergers at all. Also, there are plenty of YouTube videos with people who have social anxiety and other disorders. It is a misunderstood struggle. But first things first. Get your drivers license. And good luck.

    https://youtu.be/bpO63arqCk8

    https://youtu.be/3JbgYPYwyEA

    https://www.youtube.com/user/ScottThought/videos
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    Jun 27, 2015 5:26 AM GMT
    Professional help is always needed. Real life, reliable and trust worthy friends are needed too, because they can really pull you out take you to somewhere else when you need it. That is not to sat the net friends aren't reliable, but let's accept the fact that their help are very limited.

    My friends are taking me out every night, my depression is slowly getting better from all the distraction and positive things that they have done.

    Don't hesitate for a professional help, tell the doctor your concerns.
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    Jun 27, 2015 1:58 PM GMT
    I also have social anxiety issues, I got nervous even when speaking with people.
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    Jun 27, 2015 10:42 PM GMT
    StephenOABC saidP.S.: Science is coming back around to Astrology:
    No, it's not. Please learn what critical thinking can do for you.
  • ai82

    Posts: 183

    Jun 27, 2015 11:19 PM GMT
    You may want to investigate a group called NAMI (National association of Mental Illness). I know someone diagnosed with mental illness. Their family found a support group through them that they say was beneficial. Maybe they have some resources you can take advantage of.

    Second, there is a condition called caretaker syndrome. Recognize you are the glue keeping everything together, but you still need to take care of yourself. Your parents may not be willing or able to acknowledge your importance, but don't let it get you down.

    Third, you need to make goals and think of ways to achieve them. Whenever I have a lot of things to do I create a list and check things off as they are accomplished. Seeing that visual confirmation of my achievements gives me energy to get other things done.

    Good luck figuring everything out.
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    Jun 28, 2015 3:45 PM GMT
    I need you to go to www.marblechurch.org.
    I need you to listen to today's sermon.
    Today is Pride Sunday in NYC but it is not just about our sexuality (as your original post is not just about your sexuality).
    At some point, the rebroadcast will be available.
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    Jun 28, 2015 3:50 PM GMT
    The organist has just finished leading the congregation in "Christ has broken down the walls."

    This song was composed by Mark Miller, a professor who is married to Michael Murden; and, they are parents.
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    Jun 28, 2015 11:07 PM GMT
    Many advices that were given to you are good ones, take note of them, and try to apply them ;)

    Anyway, if you're feeling depressed, the key to get out of their, is to keep ACTIVE. You must try to reconnect with every activites you enjoy(ed), and find some pleasure practicing them, and of course, try new activites ! Impro theater would be sooooo great !

    Depression is a vicious circle, the less you do, the less energy you'll feel to do anything. That's one of the reason why, chimical treatment can 1st make your depression symptoms get worse : your brain must find its balance back. Any person taking molecules affecting the brain should be closely monitored.

    Have you tried to seek for online counceling ? I recommend you someone who practice cognitive therapy, you can find more information here : http://www.cognitivetherapynyc.com/What-Is-Cognitive-Therapy.aspx

    That's the kind of methods I've personaly learnt and used so far, if you're really willing to get through this, this is the perfect way ;)


    Obviously, meeting a therapist "IRL" will always be better, but online therapy, through skype or similar device, is a real thing. I hope you can find the help you need, make some progress, and become able to get to a therapist's office in the end, to get better. You're not alone, there are many people experiencing the same kind of problems, and difficulties to get out of their daily routine.

    By the way, you mentioned autism spectrum ? How/where did you get this idea ? Because this is rarely the kind of thing that are detected that late in a life time.


    Don't hesitate to contact me in private or on this thread, if you have any question, I'd be glad to help.
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    Jun 29, 2015 5:55 AM GMT
    Years ago, in the midst of family abandonment, financial woes, sexual frustration and utter emptiness, I wrote a letter to my future self. Nothing changed overnight, but I evolved without expectation. Bicycling religiously, I worshipped the road. There was new beauty in struggle.
    I've run from a lot of things--and am still afoot--but developed sense enough to avoid chasing the dreams of others.
    There is beauty in your life. There is beauty in your pain. There is opportunity in discord, because without it, we wouldn't feel its resolution.
  • AlexDSSF

    Posts: 35

    Jul 06, 2015 8:00 PM GMT
    Thank you, guys.
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    Jul 07, 2015 2:22 AM GMT
    bigMTs saidYears ago, in the midst of family abandonment, financial woes, sexual frustration and utter emptiness, I wrote a letter to my future self. Nothing changed overnight, but I evolved without expectation. Bicycling religiously, I worshipped the road.
    I used to road bike, but eventually found MTB trails. Now I worship the sidewalks and trails, cause after getting a hit a few times on the road, the MTB falls don't seemn to hurt so bad. But the first part of your post is what got me into cycling anyway, so I identify 100% (including the letter to my future self).

    bigMTs saidThere was new beauty in struggle.
    I've run from a lot of things--and am still afoot--but developed sense enough to avoid chasing the dreams of others.
    There is beauty in your life. There is beauty in your pain. There is opportunity in discord, because without it, we wouldn't feel its resolution.
    +1googleplexplex