Between 2 Men - Help!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 28, 2009 11:28 AM GMT
    Hi, just wondered if you had some thoughts on my situation - I have been in a long term relationship for 15 years, I am now 38, he is 44. We generally get on very well, have done some major steps together (moved from Berlin to London etc.), have a lot of shared interests and a good circle of friends. However, sex was always a problem as I had had quite a few sexual partners before we met, whereas he had not -- this was a constant source of irritation at the beginning. We had a good passionate sexlife though, but that only lasted about 3-4 years. After that none... We then decided to have an open relationship and had sex outside the relationship, with varying degrees of frequency, but usually quite frequent (once a week). Although I did enjoy the freedom, sex was rarely satisfying and often a mechanical affair. We did sometimes talk about this and he felt much the same, but it did not change anything. Last summer I started working in Italy, where I am now basd most of the time. This was planned and my partner agreed with this, and we would divide our time between the UK and Italy. However, I met an Italian guy who I had a severe crush on and embarked with him on an affair while my ltr partner was still in the UK. I obviously do not know this guy as well as my partner, but it felt right and it was very good to feel wanted and have that combination of being emotionally attached and have great sex at the same time. After a few months my ltr partner came to Italy for a fortnite and after that the affair cooled down a little as the new guy decided not to have sex with me anymore as I was in a relationship (he knew this from the beginning though). We still saw each other very often though and lived as if we had an affair, just without the sex.

    I have now told my ltr partner this before xmas with the intentionj of breaking up with him. He still loves me though and would try anything to keep this relationship going. I can not make up my mind as I still feel attached to him as well but can not truly believe in our future together. I have not seen the new guy since early december and am currently also not seeing my ltr partner. Any thoughts? Thanks!!!




  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jan 28, 2009 11:55 AM GMT
    It sounds like you're not that bothered about being with either guy. And you may be at the stage in your life where you want to play the field a little (not that you haven't been doing...haha).

    My adivce would be to cut yourself free of both men and try to see how being single suits you. One of the problems with being in a long relationship from an early age is that it can sometimes feel like life has passed you by and that you may feel you have missed out on something,

    You're still a young guy, so what is stopping you from taking a chance and being single for a while?

    You don't want to wake up 10 years from now still in your long relationship regretting not taking a chance to leave when it presented itself.

    Good luck.

    Lozx
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    Jan 28, 2009 2:36 PM GMT
    thanks for your comment, but it's not that I am not bothered about either of them, I am just very confused at the moment. I still spent a few weeks and Xmas and the new year with my ltr partner, and my emotions ranged from wanting to be with him and have everything back as before or going to see the new guy asap.
    And I do not want necessarily to play around as I have done that for a long time now while being in the realtionship, my problem being that I rarely find casual sex satisfying. On the other hand I know that the first passion will eventually fade, but I think I could live with it better if there was something left. I also know that there is no definite answer to this, I have friends in ltr's in all different shapes... open relationship without sex within, open relationship with sex within and 3sums and the like, monogamous relationships...but I don't really believe that my ltr partner and I could rekindle our sexlife after that many years without...

    and then there is the new guy who I still have a mad crush on and I think he is serious with me, but I do not want to go to him before I have made up my mind.....
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    Jan 28, 2009 2:58 PM GMT
    It's time for you to let your bf move on.
    Break up with him.

    Sounds like (to me) your ready and wanting new adventures with out him -- he's not your buddy, he's your bf... If you manage to reamin good friends after, bonus. If you both end up back together, then this was just a hiccup in the relationship and you may grow stronger. You're not staying with him out of love, your staying with him out of some sense of obligation and that does no one any good...

    Do him a favor and show him the respect of telling him you're drawn to other men and want your freedom.
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    Jan 28, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    BodyWork4 saidIt's time for you to let your bf move on.
    Break up with him.

    Do him a favor and show him the respect of telling him you're drawn to other men and want your freedom.


    Sage advice.

    You need to be fair to yourself and your partner. You're miserable, and he's miserable. There's nothing wrong with that. It happens. You've both been through a lot together, and you will continue to remain close friends, supporting each other and taking care of each other throughout the rest of your lives.

    Trust.
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    Jan 28, 2009 3:30 PM GMT
    Listen to Tapper. He nailed my opinion exactly. Too much drama here.
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    Jan 28, 2009 4:16 PM GMT
    testarossa70> my problem being that I rarely find casual sex satisfying.

    In addition to the fact that you're not having sex with your ltr partner.

    What's the difference between "best friend" and "partner" if you and your partner aren't (ever for the last 11 years?) having sex? Sounds more like a domestic business partner or roommates.

    You each deserve to have a boyfriend rather than a roommate and outside tricks.

    I don't, however, think you are torn "between 2 men". That's just the opportunity. You are torn between staying in a sexless relationship or moving on after 15 years.

    What's your partner's take on all this?

    If you don't know, maybe the first step should be for the two of you to talk about it rather than you making a decision and presenting him with a fait acommpli - especially if there's already another guy.

    Maybe you guys have talked about it, or maybe it just happened over time, the sex life got stale and you've addressed it by opening up the relationship. Yet that didn't fix it.

    You guys have been through a lot together in 15 years, even moving between countries, so I'm guessing there is something there. What is missing is romance.

    You need to see if the two of you can change that. It doesn't have to be with threesomes or drugs. It's about how the two of you treat each other. Do you take each other for granted? Do you not bother doing something nice? It may sound cliche, but maybe you should bring him some flowers or chocolate or whatever it is he likes on your way home. Do something nice that you don't normally do around the house. Make pancakes for breakfast. Have a candle-light dinner and watch a movie.

    Maybe you've tried that before, but if you haven't... what are you waiting for?

    And talk to him (not us) about it!!
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    Jan 28, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
    hey, thanks for your thoughts. I agree that I am not torn between two men, but as caesarea4 has put it, between staying in a sexless relationship and moving on.

    And if it is moving on, I might as well try it with the new guy as I do not often have a crush or fall in love with someone.

    I realy find it difficult to find out at the moment if I really should let go - on a superficial level, the bf and me get on very well and it is very comforting. There even is a physical side to it as we still make spoons in bed and cuddle, but it does not have anything sexual at all.

    On the other hand I am not sure if I can have sex with just the one person for 15 years...
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    Jan 29, 2009 11:36 AM GMT
    maybe this is another topic, but has anyone succesfully rekindled their sexlife in a relationship after a long time of no sex? The difficult thing is also that our preferences have changed over the years - my partner likes older guys whereasI like younger guys and we both are predominantly passive.....

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    Feb 02, 2009 11:31 AM GMT
    sorry to keep bothering, has anyone else some advice or been in a similar situation? Thanks!
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    Feb 02, 2009 12:28 PM GMT
    Great replies so far; a lot of wisdom in Caesarea4's response.

    I've been in that situation in the past, several times actually when I was in my teens and twenties; I have a LONG track record, for better or for worse. Whatever does not kill you often makes you stronger...but also has a way of making you forever affected. Seriously, I usually listened to this song for perspective:icon_cool.gif

    [url][/url]
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    Feb 02, 2009 12:49 PM GMT
    hey, thanks, great song, definetely put a smile on my face. would be curious to find out though, bill007, what you did in similar situations. As far as caesarea4's questions are concerned, I have talked about all this with my bf; he would do anything to keep me, including having sex, have no sex - basically whatever I wish - this though is not credible either and no solution. I really don't want him to suffer and really like/love him, but I really can't imagine having sex with him again.... so that would mean we would continue to have a sexless relationship, and although everything else is pretty good, I really miss having sex with someone I love....