Open Relationship talks on first date.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2015 3:34 PM GMT
    I went on a date with this awesome guy I met on OKC. Everything was fine until he confessed to me that he wanted an open relationship from the start if we were to work out.
    I was a bit shocked, because he never mentioned it while we were chatting.
    I was obviously against it, so he got a bit heated and told me that I was being heteronormative....That as gays, we could redefine our relationships, therefore I shouldn't limit myself...
    Something about it being unrealistic to expect guys to be sexually faithful and that it didn't mean anything, since he would always come home to me.

    I excused myself and left...

    I am always striving to be openminded about things, but is it really the new norm of gay relationships? Is is something we should all embrace?
    I have noticed there are a lot of open couples on all the gay apps.

    I guess my question is am I confirming to straight culture on this point?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2015 3:52 PM GMT
    Absolutely NOT ! Having an open or monogamous relationship has NOTHING to do with beeing straight or gay !

    It's just that... men are more easily excused for their fucking around : "it's human nature to spread your genes and reproduce" bla-bla-bla. When you think about it : gay people should even LESS fuck around, since there is NO procreation involved ! icon_rolleyes.gif

    Another fact : straight couples can really have a hard time "sharing extra-conjugal sex", since one of the two will have to accept someone of the same gender. Gay couples in the other hand, can always share (unless they really don't have the same taste in men).

    Long story short, fucking around (with or without sharing the experience with one's partner) is both EASIER and more "socialy tolerated", but that absolutely doesn't make it a standard !

    Someone who's not ready to settle down, even for a while, should just NOT even bother dating in the first place ! By definition, if you OPEN the relationship, that means that at some point, it was closed. Opening a relationship to save it, spice things up to allow it to last longer, I'm all for it ! I'm not saying it's a necessary step, but it can be one. I personaly think that it must be a shared experience : if you feel the need to fuck around on your own, that means to me you're no longer IN the relationship.

    In any case, play safe guys ! :p
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 03, 2015 4:55 PM GMT
    Open relationships are pretty common. But like everything in a relationship, it is something to be discussed and agreed upon. If monogamy is one of your requirements, you have to find someone who feels the same way. It is that simple. If living in a warm climate by a beach is one of your requirements, same thing. Same with having dogs, how cold the thermostat, etc. Don't start getting superior in your thinking or believe there's only one respectable answer to the question or you'll fail to see the whole person. If you think about it, all guys are living "open" until they decide they don't want to anymore and they want to go monogamous with a specific guy by their side. So stop being shocked. SHOCKED!! You may find in time he changes his mind. Or not. But he certainly won't if you run away after the first date. You can state your opinion but stop with the judgmental attitude. That will get you nowhere. And yes, to an extent, you are conforming. Monogamy was instituted to define property rights (her) and to assure the offspring carries your genetic code. But that doesn't matter if that's what you want. Just be open-minded and see what happens next. I certainly think monogamy should naturally happen early in dating. It is part of the pair-bonding process.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 03, 2015 7:29 PM GMT
    I used to think that relationships were just any agreement between two people, but being married and making vows to my husband has shown me that it's entirely different than just living with someone while still pursuing other sexual partners. Sharing four walls, and finances and other material possessions with your bf doesn't mean as much as a vow to never share your body with anyone else. Committing your body to one person is huge. It makes you feel differently about yourself and the man you're with. Commitment like that is priceless, and it deserves respect, not mockery.

    If you want a real relationship, don't waste your time on people who try to say that monogamous relationships are heteronormative, unless you're just into flakey bffs and going gray on grindr.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2015 7:42 PM GMT
    I don't think there's anything wrong with open relationships, as long as all parties involved know about each other.

    But let's be real here. Guys that are into open relationships are borderline sex addicts. They sleep around with many guys to get their sexual satisfaction. Then come home to their boyfriend/partner to get the emotional satisfaction/comfort.

    So it comes down to how one perceives sex..

    - No big deal, like scratching an itch. Emotional bond is more important.

    Or

    - It's a big deal and is just as important as an emotional connection.

    "..conforming to heteronormative culture....That as gays, we could redefine our relationships .."

    Lol. No. Straight couples don't have traditional relationships either. They're probably more discrete about it than gays. icon_lol.gif
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Jul 03, 2015 8:32 PM GMT
    xrichx saidI don't think there's anything wrong with open relationships, as long as all parties involved know about each other.

    But let's be real here. Guys that are into open relationships are borderline sex addicts. They sleep around with many guys to get their sexual satisfaction. Then come home to their boyfriend/partner to get the emotional satisfaction/comfort.

    So it comes down to how one perceives sex..

    - No big deal, like scratching an itch. Emotional bond is more important.

    Or

    - It's a big deal and is just as important as an emotional connection.

    "..conforming to heteronormative culture....That as gays, we could redefine our relationships .."

    Lol. No. Straight couples don't have traditional relationships either. They're probably more discrete about it than gays. icon_lol.gif


    Saying that everyone in open relationships are borderline sex addicts is a bit of an over statement. You can't generalize any group of people. I've thought about it a lot because of how much cheating I've seen. I'd say a good 35% of the guys that go for me have boyfriends/girlfriends. For me, I'd rather know about whats going on than catch someone cheating. If they are open about it, then you can make an informed decision. At least he told you before hand.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2015 8:41 PM GMT
    DrobUA said
    xrichx saidI don't think there's anything wrong with open relationships, as long as all parties involved know about each other.

    But let's be real here. Guys that are into open relationships are borderline sex addicts. They sleep around with many guys to get their sexual satisfaction. Then come home to their boyfriend/partner to get the emotional satisfaction/comfort.

    So it comes down to how one perceives sex..

    - No big deal, like scratching an itch. Emotional bond is more important.

    Or

    - It's a big deal and is just as important as an emotional connection.

    "..conforming to heteronormative culture....That as gays, we could redefine our relationships .."

    Lol. No. Straight couples don't have traditional relationships either. They're probably more discrete about it than gays. icon_lol.gif


    Saying that everyone in open relationships are borderline sex addicts is a bit of an over statement. You can't generalize any group of people. I've thought about it a lot because of how much cheating I've seen. I'd say a good 35% of the guys that go for me have boyfriends/girlfriends. For me, I'd rather know about whats going on than catch someone cheating. If they are open about it, then you can make an informed decision. At least he told you before hand.

    Not generalizing. It's true. But I didn't say it was a bad thing. If that's what's required to keep a relationship going, then fine. As long as everyone knows about each other, and are fine with it, then go for it. Obviously, OP isn't cool with it. So he'll move on.
  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    Jul 03, 2015 8:51 PM GMT
    I think that it was good that he was open about this to begin with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2015 9:01 PM GMT
    metta8 saidI think that it was good that he was open about this to being with.


    That's true ... much better to know he's scum right at the start. icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2015 9:03 PM GMT
    It's good that he opens up about that, however this is a red flag and a no no. It indicates he's not emotionally stable enough for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2015 9:06 PM GMT
    metta8 saidI think that it was good that he was open about this to being with.


    +1

    No need for everyone to be so judgmental. Everyone should just make their own rules but be honest about them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2015 11:25 PM GMT
    FollowingRivers said... I guess my question is am I confirming to straight culture on this point?


    simple is good because relationships are difficult.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2015 12:01 AM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2015 12:21 AM GMT
    Sounds like he wanted you to accept his beliefs about relationships but didn't respect yours. Regardless of whatever someone wants they should practice what they preach so I sense a bit of hypocrisy.

    Always come home to you? With what? Someone else's cock and ass on his breath? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • mwolverine

    Posts: 3384

    Jul 04, 2015 1:29 AM GMT
    medic232 saidAlways come home to you? With what? Someone else's cock and ass on his breath? icon_rolleyes.gif

    Or worse....
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Jul 04, 2015 2:37 AM GMT
    "I excused myself and left..."

    +1
  • interesting

    Posts: 573

    Jul 04, 2015 5:27 AM GMT
    I say good for you!! That guy is one hell of an ass, he judges you saying that you conform to heteronormative behavior, and wants you to conform to what he finds acceptable, but not having a thought of thinking that maybe he could change.

    Open relationship is not something that we all have to embrace, I applaud you for standing for what you believe in, if this is what comes to be a relationship, it should be an understanding, not you have to give up something you believe in and sacrifice for the other selfish person to have everything. I don't think you're conforming to straight culture at all, after all, there are many straight couples that set up sex parties and the likes.

    You don't have to give this a second thought, there are billions of people in this world, surely someone you find attractive will share your belief.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Jul 04, 2015 8:33 AM GMT
    Realjock needs to have a like button...some of ur'll comments speaks what i blive in....its a gud thing u left coz its clear that his just a time waister...!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2015 4:41 PM GMT
    HottJoe said...Sharing four walls, and finances and other material possessions with your bf doesn't mean as much as a vow to never share your body with anyone else. Committing your body to one person is huge. It makes you feel differently about yourself and the man you're with. Commitment like that is priceless, and it deserves respect, not mockery.


    Not to mock, of course, but I might have respected it more hadn't you just made it sound like you've objectified yourself as a possession.
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Jul 05, 2015 9:46 AM GMT
    Wow.. lots of judging in this threat.. I'll add my 2p..

    basically I think it's good the guy was up front about it.. he should have been a bit MORE up front though, but timing can be difficult I guess.. when do you bring it up? Before you've met is a bit keen, but might work well to get it out there.... during the first meeting seems ok, although it caught you off guard so it didn't work for you.. His reaction wasn't great.. He should understand not everyone would be into that.. so it's likely to cause some people to bail out early.. but that's kind of what he wants - he's looking for someone that will be okay with it.. so he wants them to bail if they're not.

    My other comment is really around the judging.. Look, I've tried open relationships, didn't work for me.. but I understand it's pretty common and it does work for a lot of people (straights and gays).. I don't assume to know what's best for everyone and your relationship doesn't affect me (as long as you're up front about it if we meet and you're trying to get me to have sex with you).. so I'm all for what works for you.. and if it's what you want, call it out early so you don't set others up for disappointment..
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Jul 05, 2015 11:49 AM GMT
    In my personal opinion and experience those of us who prefer being in a committed" relationships, do so because the benefits outweighs the risks vs being in an open relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2015 11:57 AM GMT
    In the long run, open relationships prove to be exactly what they are - oxymorons.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2015 6:43 PM GMT
    I think he did the right thing by trying to do it at the beginning... but he executed his plan terribly.

    I believe its possible, I just don't personally know how to manage the feelings of two people at once to actually make it something good.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2015 7:58 PM GMT
    mar0302 saidWow.. lots of judging in this threat.. I'll add my 2p..

    basically I think it's good the guy was up front about it.. he should have been a bit MORE up front though, but timing can be difficult I guess.. when do you bring it up? Before you've met is a bit keen, but might work well to get it out there.... during the first meeting seems ok, although it caught you off guard so it didn't work for you.. His reaction wasn't great.. He should understand not everyone would be into that.. so it's likely to cause some people to bail out early.. but that's kind of what he wants - he's looking for someone that will be okay with it.. so he wants them to bail if they're not.

    My other comment is really around the judging.. Look, I've tried open relationships, didn't work for me.. but I understand it's pretty common and it does work for a lot of people (straights and gays).. I don't assume to know what's best for everyone and your relationship doesn't affect me (as long as you're up front about it if we meet and you're trying to get me to have sex with you).. so I'm all for what works for you.. and if it's what you want, call it out early so you don't set others up for disappointment..


    So you judge those who judge? How judgmental! icon_cry.gif
  • craycraydoesd...

    Posts: 596

    Jul 06, 2015 12:53 AM GMT
    Blondizgd saidIn the long run, open relationships prove to be exactly what they are - oxymorons.


    I just hope such couples never consider having kids.