The Ex Reared his ugly head after 3 yrs NC

  • Trevrun

    Posts: 1

    Jul 06, 2015 8:31 PM GMT
    Okay, that might be a bit dramatic. But heres my story, and would love some solid mature advice.

    We broke up in 2011, after 8 years. We spent almost all of our 20s together. It wasn't a totally rocky relationship, but it had its pitfalls. He struggled to remain monogamous, and I struggled with trying to find a balance between being the bread winner for my family and being able to build a relationship with him. He cheated a couple times but I forgave because we were in our 20s and understood the need to explore different men. I did not stray, but we had threesomes together too.

    The relationship was pretty tight. He did not come from a very close family, and I did. So when I bought a house for my family, he moved in with us, with the idea that 2-3 years later I could refanance and we could be on our own. Housing market crash, things didnt work out. But we moved into an apartment together for a couple years.

    After my older brother died in 2011, we moved back into my house. I wanted to be there for my mom, and we wanted to save up some money.

    He was always in love with South Florida and after much contemplation, he broke it off with me and moved down south. A very brave move and Im proud of him for it. He left a secure relationship and a secure state job and tried something new. Pretty awesome.

    I had to go no contact, because I was still in love with him. He was over the relationship. I believe he had been breaking up with me in his mind for a good year before it actually happened. So for him, it was probably easier to let me go.

    My ex came into my life at a very emotional time. My closest older brother had just passed away in a bad accident (my other passed toward the end of our relationship) when he entered my life. He was a solid rock for me and helped carry me through some really hard times by just being there. He was close to my family, my sister especially.

    Anyway, he texted me out of the blue a couple months ago, after 3 years of silence on both ends. When he left for Florida we told each other we loved each other and how important we were to each other, and I think I believe it...but certainly I was still hurt. We've texted back and forth once or twice every couple weeks. Just old inside jokes and things that may be going on in each others lives that remind us of each other. He reached out to my sister too, and just caught up on old times. Hes going to school now and he misses our family. Nothing major there.

    I thought I could handle it. But when I saw a pic of him kissing his new love on his fb, it stung. It stung a lot. When we were together, neither of us were "out." Sure, our friends knew, but it wasnt something we both celebrated. And now here he was kissing a new guy on fb. Ouch. Not going to lie, I wish it couldve been me.

    I want to be able to be his friend. I want to remain in each others lives because, as weird as it is because of our sexual relations, he was like a brother to me.

    Is there anything I can do to eleviate this pain? I was hoping I was over it. And I want to be. I truly believe we all deserve to be happy, and I'm happy that hes found a special guy and hes in a place where he always wanted to live...but I still love and miss him.

    Posts: 641

    Jul 06, 2015 8:42 PM GMT
    He has moved on. If friendship with him is worth the pain, then continue to be in contact. If not cut off all contact & go on with your life.
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    Jul 07, 2015 2:52 AM GMT
    I really feel for you because i went thru the same pain .
    Sometimes i am asking myself if love is worth all the pain that comes with a break up ..icon_confused.gif
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    Jul 07, 2015 4:07 AM GMT
    This, for some reason, really does make me sad.

    I'm sure the stinging feeling that went through your chest when you saw him all booed up with his, damn near stopped your heart.

    It's hard to be happy for him when you feel, somewhat betrayed and hurt. The issue is, you have no other choice.

    If you're hurt or jealous, then you're ready to be "friends" with him yet. That's okay (I'm not judging you for it).

    In regards to you caring for him and loving him, I strongly suggest evaluating what that means to you now, what it meant to you then and find out if it's changed. I got to be honest with you. I see the handwriting on the wall, and I'm worried if you try to pursue a relationship with him (even a friendly one) your never going to be able to heal and move on).

    If you aren't careful, you may miss the best person in your life and not even know it.
  • mybud

    Posts: 13935

    Jul 07, 2015 4:19 AM GMT
    I'd say that time heals the pain, but you're still salting your 3 year wounds...You need to heal from this. Sometimes we love people for the wrong reasons. You need to think about this. Try to remember the bad also. Sometimes we idolize what we can't have..That's all I got.
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    Jul 07, 2015 8:33 AM GMT
    I truly believe we all deserve to be happy, and I'm happy that hes found a special guy and hes in a place where he always wanted to live...but I still love and miss him.

    Your honestly a really good guy for sticking so long to him. Your also very much like me. We both fall in love with one person and its very hard for us to detach from that person.

    You will always love him. You need to accept that just as you need to accept it's over. He was not in love with you and any man who could do what he did to you can never really love another person. He's a selfish man who's life will always revolve around himself. You should find someone like yourself and pursue that person. Even if you got back together with him he will leave you for another person who takes his fancy for the moment.
    He's bad news. Don't deny your feelings for him but acknowledge the fact you need to be a nurturing relationship and not one that will come with elements of torture.

    Condolences on your losses,
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    Jul 07, 2015 11:39 AM GMT
    I'd keep it short : if after 3 years, you're not over him, and can still feel some kinda jealousy, this is definitely NOT a good time to try to reach out for him, and be "real friends".

    Things are onesided here, he's moved on, but you did not yet, you'll probably be able to become friends again when you too, we'll be involved with someone else.

    If I were you, until then, I'd simply keep to texting every once in a while, just enough to "stay alive" in each other's mind, but nothing more. Try to avoid following him on facebook or anything : if he really means to remain friends with you, he'll understand that you need some more time to heal, and get over your past relationship ;)
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    Jul 07, 2015 5:34 PM GMT
    to the OP:
    after soooo many years nothing romantic in you life?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Jul 07, 2015 5:45 PM GMT
    You have to move on. Cut ties except maybe a Christmas card. It is the only way to start with someone new. As long as you keep him in your mind, there's no room for anyone else. Hurts, I know. You don't have to formally stop. Just become hard to find. He'll get the message. And tell your family this is what you need. They'll back you. Start thinking forward, not back.
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    Jul 07, 2015 6:01 PM GMT
    Don't look back and for Pete's sake don't go back. You've learned from this experience; whether he has is doubtful. You don't need disorder in your life; forget him. This is not be short, but just to succinctly tell it like it is. Good luck!
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    Jul 07, 2015 7:46 PM GMT
    As noble and great your motives are, just forget him for a while and move on. He already has a new love. The problem is you're still in love with him and he isn't. It took me a while to get over my ex too, close to a year since I was still living with him for a while then I completely moved out. I do noticed that he, now and then, text, messaged and liked my FB status/photos. But you know what, seeing him is like looking into my past. No way, you should cut contact with him for a while and move on. Go out, mingle, date new guys. Time will heal your broken heart. Until you feel better then maybe decide to stay friends with him. It's still rare to find good loyal gay guys nowadays.
  • nomad4life

    Posts: 332

    Jul 07, 2015 10:18 PM GMT
    I'll provide a different method then some of the above comments, since people handle things and move on in different ways. I had a similar situation with an ex and the thought came along that apparently neither complete cut off nor dating other people had lead to me getting over him. What did was a concept in medicine we call desensitization, where you constantly interact with the trigger over and over again until a callous forms and the feelings aren't as strong. I'm not saying start hanging out with again, I'd keep it to a minimum, but at least think of him every once in a while. Not about the relationship and the romance, and not demonizing him either, but remember him simply as a person in your life who does exist somewhere in the world. And remember that he is currently with someone else. It will hurt at first, but it's like an exercise. The more you do it, the better it gets. A belief is just a thought in our heads that has been repeated so many times that we take it for truth. I believe that my ex is happy with this other guy (not happier, just different) and that makes me happy that he's happy.
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    Jul 07, 2015 10:26 PM GMT
    I saw a pic of my ex hugging his new beau on FB and it hurt but when I meditated on it I realized that it was more jealousy then loss. When I started fucking a new boy all was well. A ton of what we think is "love" is really hormonal. Do you have a new BF?
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    Jul 08, 2015 1:26 AM GMT
    OP, I know how you feel.

    The way I handled this situation for myself was the following:
    - I drove 500 miles, told him how I felt, and cried like a bitch in front of him as I let all the shit that's been building up inside of me finally have a way out.
    - We promised each other that we would never, ever contact one another again. I know. Drastic. But I know me. I'll never be over him. But I can eventually forget him.

    Hope this helps.
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    Jul 08, 2015 11:52 PM GMT
    It may not seem like it now, but, there comes a point where you'll stop with your grieving process. You likely assessed all of this correctly.

    I understand this, as do most folks my age. At some point, you have to tell yourself, "I'm tired of feeling bad about this." Put an image in your head of the good times, and when it all comes to mind, try to put on a smile and remember the good times. He's letting you know he let you go, or...perhaps...testing the waters, but, most likely the former, and you need to let it all go. Easier said than done. Try to make a new friend...a distraction. It'll help. You'll likely always have a spot in your heart for him, and, your relationship might well evolve to different roles, in time, but, you're not ready yet, even if he is. You have to let yourself get past the grief, and focus on the good times, and find a happy spot for it. I know it was hard, and continues to be, nailed still care deeply for him, but... it takes two, and there's only one in the roles you're thinking of. When you start beating yourself up about it, try to distract yourself in some way. You'll feel better. He's given you closure, but, you haven't accepted it...yet. You probably need to do that, if there's any hope of evolving your friendship to a new place. It'll never be what it was. I might end up not at all, more than it was, or just an occasional encounter. Hard telling from here, but, you need to evolve past the former relationship with him, and, if you're going to remodel the roles of the relationship, give it some time, and let it happen. No one likes feeling pushed, and...we want what we want and it take be very hard to develop acceptance, but, that's exactly what you need here. Let what was...go. It's done. Remember the good. That'll help, and know you both care about each other, but, the two of you are not a thing any more. You might have have a new friendship that is deeper, given some time, but, the first step is accepting the situation and that's it's pretty much not in your control. Once you accept'll help, but, it'll always be there...sometimes quiet...sometimes jumping into the front of your head. You'll be o.k. Distract yourself. I know it hurts, but, it's time to get healthy. You HAVE to move on.

    I had a wonderful, multi-year friendship, where I was the best friend, mentor, care giver, fuck buddy. It wasn't a romance, but, we were very close friends, and dearly enjoyed each other's company. When Logan stepped out of my life, and did the no contact thing, I pushed to evolve the relationship on the spot. It was a mistake, and, I know that now. He did it because he had to do it his way. We didn't speak for nearly two years, but, when I was close to death, Logan walked in the hospital room and talked for 3 hours straight. That was June 15, 2013. We've not spoken since. I'm great friends with his dad, and we've done civil rights stuff together, and, almost every day...still...nearly 4 years later, I think about him (he's working in a job I introduced him to). His dad reached out to me a few weeks ago, in defiance of Logan's wishes. I rest at night knowing that we still care very much about each other, but, he doesn't want me in the headlights right now. When I was knocking at death's door, he was frantic. In time, we'll see. I miss my friend...a lot...but..we move it or not, and we can choose to hurt, or not. Stop hurting. Let it go. I know it's hard. I give myself comfort knowing that I did a very good thing for Logan (empowerment, shelter, care, training, friendship) but...that Logan has to be his own man, and..I know I still matter. If I didn't he would not have been frantic I might die before he had a chance to thank me, but, I didn't die, and he did thank me, for 3 hours, and talked about how much he loved his profession, and his job, and the folks he has met, and it all started in 2007 when he was being bullied. I'd love to hear his stories sometimes, but, Logan can't / won't go there, and I likely pushed to hard, for too long, and it's gonna' be a long time before he reaches back. I miss my was magic friendship, for both of us, but, we move to different places in our lives. You have to let your bud do that, too...and yourself...move on. There will always be a spot there, but, in time, the pain will fade, and you'll have fond memories...let the grief go.

    When my parents died, it was easy. They had lived a long and happy life with 58 years of marriage. When my friend of many years shut me out, my first impulse was to try to stop it. He didn't die. He just stopped talking. Then, I felt grief. Then, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I never was angry. Anger is not an emotion I get much, and, sometimes, I wish it was, because I think it would be easier for me to let go of stuff, but, it's not how I am wired. I regard the end relationships as a failure on my part, but, reality is that sometimes, we just go our separate ways. We have to not beat ourselves up about it. That shit will kill you. Logan doesn't want to deal with remodeling our relationship right now; only that I'm o.k., and alive and well. It is what it is. I miss him. He's moved on. Fond memories. Wish it was different, but, it's not. I didn't fail. It just is.