Ok...I Cheated (Not Your Typical Infidelity Situation)

  • ImBlackYall

    Posts: 23

    Jul 07, 2015 11:20 PM GMT
    Damn, how can I condense this....

    Ok.

    So, Saturday I cheated on my bf of nearly 2 years (we are in a monogamous relationship, which I prefer BTW). I immediately felt remorse and regret and right afterwards, I went to his apartment (where I visited for the weekend) and I sat him down and confessed.

    Things to consider

    - this was an one off situation, no affair
    - I didn't do it because of opportunity and weakness to temptation. I did it because of feelings of rejection and that he didn't like the things that I cannot change
    -I was honest and upfront, when I could've lied to him (he had no clue what was taking me so long to come from the barbershop)
    -I genuinely love him and for the last few months, I've been open in my feelings of having shaky confidence due to certain things that taken place when we got intimate
    -I've forgiven him in the past and believed in him even after he did me wrong (didn't involve cheating but the breakup lasted for a month where he said hurtful things and even rejected me when I went 3 hours to his apartment unannounced to get him back)
    -he admitted after my confession that there were times he wasn't into the intimacy because things were on his mind (so why not talk about it? Sex takes a backseat)

    I'm already kicking myself because I should've been mindful enough to know that stepping out wasn't going to make me feel any better or help my situation. I can't live a lie to him. I've explained that to him but he says that I've broken the trust and he lost all respect for me. I know what I did was wrong and I own up to it. But I'd wish he'd show me the same empathy and understanding I shown him.

    He sent in a text that "obviously, you weren't satisfied with me" and "sorry iwasnt what you needed in bed"... But I've told him before that this isn't a fuck buddy situation, that it's a relationship. I'm worried about compatibility. Not sex. I know for sure that he's what I want. But my fear is that I'm not what he wants.

    The rest of the relationship is great, outside of that dynamic. The first breakup was 6 months ago but we have been in a better place this time around, with the exception of this one issue.

    Apologies for being long winded, but I've been lurking. I wanted you guys to get the back story in full
  • ImBlackYall

    Posts: 23

    Jul 07, 2015 11:43 PM GMT
    By the way, no troll here ;)
  • Unbelievable

    Posts: 6

    Jul 08, 2015 1:13 AM GMT
    It's not unheard of to regain someone's trust, but if you fear you're not what he wants, you need to talk to him about it and find out if that is true whether there is anything you can do go fix it (provided he is willing to give you a chance).
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Jul 08, 2015 9:51 AM GMT
    Personally, I couldn't have a relationship with someone I wasn't sexually compatible with. You are separating sex from the relationship, and I don't think that's healthy. Your relationship partner should be your fuck buddy first and foremost. If you two are not compatible in that way? Maybe if you had been together for years, that could change as you would have had time to become sexually bound together, and then you could both move away from that with a core connection still firm. But if this is happening so soon, then you might be losing your core connection.
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Jul 08, 2015 9:55 AM GMT
    Every person is different, you seem to be thinking that your infidelity was not a big deal for you, but obviously it is for him. If he had done this to you, what would your feelings be like? Time does heal wounds though, and maybe you can salvage it. But it sounds like you guys might have some differences that could haunt you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2015 10:28 AM GMT
    Patching up a water bed is silly. You know what else is silly? Having a water bed. What's worse than having a water bed? Poking holes at your own water bed.

    I'm just talking about water beds really.
  • ImBlackYall

    Posts: 23

    Jul 08, 2015 11:07 AM GMT
    Beeftastic saidPersonally, I couldn't have a relationship with someone I wasn't sexually compatible with. You are separating sex from the relationship, and I don't think that's healthy. Your relationship partner should be your fuck buddy first and foremost. If you two are not compatible in that way? Maybe if you had been together for years, that could change as you would have had time to become sexually bound together, and then you could both move away from that with a core connection still firm. But if this is happening so soon, then you might be losing your core connection.


    I appreciate the feedback, first off.

    And how am I separating sex from the relationship, when its clear that's what I want more of? My sex drive is just as high as his but all I'm doing is not placing sex above everything. I know sex is important in a relationship, but I'm looking at it from an angle of it not being the first and most important priority.

    And what I did was a big deal to me because there's already enough stereotypes that run rampant and the last thing I wanted was to fit it. One of my friends asked me if I'd be able to forgive him...I've already forgiven him before for doing something that hurt me. Communication is everything and I've been very open about my feelings with him. I'd forgive because if someone is coming to me and being transparent, obviously there's a deal issue. My job as a boyfriend/partner is to see it through and to help so it doesn't linger.

    And if the person is clearly remorseful and can identify why they did it and articulate what drove them to do it, it can work. It also depends on how the relationship was going before it happened
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2015 12:16 PM GMT
    Sounds like he's right - you aren't satisfied with him. You two need to go your separate ways.
  • ImBlackYall

    Posts: 23

    Jul 08, 2015 2:39 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidSounds like he's right - you aren't satisfied with him.


    Not the case at all. I've already stated that he's what I want. I've never gave less than 100% and I've showed that. My struggle has been that I'm not what HE wants. He knows that because we've talked about this a few times.

    If you're giving 100% and you've been with someone long enough to know they may be giving less than their all...wouldn't you wonder if it's a problem?

    And I did. So I went to him...which is what you do. I don't hide anything or believe in allowing things to linger.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2015 3:39 PM GMT
    Well then, if you aren't what he wants, why are you wasting your time?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2015 4:33 PM GMT
    ImBlackYall saidDamn, how can I condense this....


    62a531a7c26b1b68ed65b2041d2f3139.jpg
  • ImBlackYall

    Posts: 23

    Jul 08, 2015 4:55 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidWell then, if you aren't what he wants, why are you wasting your time?


    How can I answer that when I'm not him? He says I am. All I can do is go by his actions.

    We have a great relationship and this is the only issue. He's inconsistent and can be a bit passive. Everything in a relationship isn't going to come easily, some things take time. This wasn't always the case.

    It's not a waste of time. All I'm doing is giving effort. He isn't a dead fish but there are times were I'd like more with him and I initiate it. All I can do is take his word for it and do what I can do

    Everything isn't going to come automatic or result in instant gratification. Am I wrong for thinking like that?
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    Jul 08, 2015 6:27 PM GMT
    ImBlackYall said
    UndercoverMan saidWell then, if you aren't what he wants, why are you wasting your time?


    How can I answer that when I'm not him? He says I am. All I can do is go by his actions.

    We have a great relationship and this is the only issue. He's inconsistent and can be a bit passive. Everything in a relationship isn't going to come easily, some things take time. This wasn't always the case.

    It's not a waste of time. All I'm doing is giving effort. He isn't a dead fish but there are times were I'd like more with him and I initiate it. All I can do is take his word for it and do what I can do

    Everything isn't going to come automatic or result in instant gratification. Am I wrong for thinking like that?


    Why do you say you have a great relationship when just about everything you've said here does not bear witness to that?

    I'm sorry, but if I had to work this hard for a relationship, I'd be out.

    Also, it seems he can't or won't forgive your cheating so I'd just move on if I were you. You've relinquished the moral high ground to him. I suspect if you two stayed together he'd just use your infidelity as a weapon against you to maintain the upper hand in the relationship.

  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 08, 2015 6:36 PM GMT
    Why waste time in a relationship that will eventually not work, when you could be in one that will?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2015 7:17 PM GMT
    You have to give it time; you have to give your boyfriend space to think about the bombshell that just hit him.
  • ImBlackYall

    Posts: 23

    Jul 08, 2015 7:21 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    ImBlackYall said
    UndercoverMan saidWell then, if you aren't what he wants, why are you wasting your time?


    How can I answer that when I'm not him? He says I am. All I can do is go by his actions.

    We have a great relationship and this is the only issue. He's inconsistent and can be a bit passive. Everything in a relationship isn't going to come easily, some things take time. This wasn't always the case.

    It's not a waste of time. All I'm doing is giving effort. He isn't a dead fish but there are times were I'd like more with him and I initiate it. All I can do is take his word for it and do what I can do

    Everything isn't going to come automatic or result in instant gratification. Am I wrong for thinking like that?


    Why do you say you have a great relationship when just about everything you've said here does not bear witness to that?

    I'm sorry, but if I had to work this hard for a relationship, I'd be out.

    Also, it seems he can't or won't forgive your cheating so I'd just move on if I were you. You've relinquished the moral high ground to him. I suspect if you two stayed together he'd just use your infidelity as a weapon against you to maintain the upper hand in the relationship.



    I respect your feedback

    And uhhh, a relationship is more than sex. Sex is just one aspect of our relationship. We have a great time at foreplay, kissing, spit, me sucking his toes/legs, me eating him, mutual oral, mutual Jo and such. All I'd like is for him to eat me more and id enjoy more spontaneity and penetration with him. There's been a times where something seemed off and he does have a lack of energy.

    Other than that, I'm extremely happy with him. We support each other, we have a great vibe and chemistry and we are both ltr oriented.

    Posting shit like this is always difficult if the situation is layered because the picture doesn't come out complete. This relationship is FAR from dim.
  • ImBlackYall

    Posts: 23

    Jul 08, 2015 7:22 PM GMT
    KJSharp saidYou have to give it time; you have to give your boyfriend space to think about the bombshell that just hit him.


    Two of my friends said the same thing. Thanks for the feedback.
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    Jul 09, 2015 4:28 AM GMT
    Man, it was you who painted the dim picture not me. It's telling that when you don't get the answer you're looking for you come back with a "yeah but..."

    You don't want anyone's input or advice; you want someone to agree with you. Hey, it's no skin off my nose. Waste your time if you want to but do me a favor a let me know when you two break up for good. I won't tell you I told you so but it will give me warm, smug feeling of self satisfaction.

    And yeah, I know a relationship is more than sex but if you two aren't cooking in the bedroom in your twenties despite what you say (you indicated otherwise in your original post). I'd venture you'll cheat again next time you're unhappy and have "feelings of rejection." A healthy sexual relationship draws a couple together. Yours it seems is driving you two apart. Bad sign.

    Face it the relationship is doomed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2015 4:16 PM GMT
    You and just about almost every other gay guy, this is nothing new in the gay world.
    That's why open relationships are favourable now so that you can't actually say you cheated because technically you didn't.

    My 2 cents, you could have the most douche asshole kind of a boyfriend but that doesn't therefore justify or make cheating a wise decision.

    If he's that bad then just leave him, don't respond with his shit by doing shit of your own.
    If you want to fuck someone else, then discuss being in an open relationship otherwise just break up and find someone else.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2015 9:54 PM GMT
    You seem to be only interested in justifications for your back stabbing behavior.
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    Jul 11, 2015 3:12 AM GMT


    "And uhhh, a relationship is more than sex. Sex is just one aspect of our relationship. We have a great time at foreplay, kissing, spit, me sucking his toes/legs, me eating him, mutual oral, mutual Jo and such. All I'd like is for him to eat me more and id enjoy more spontaneity and penetration with him. There's been a times where something seemed off and he does have a lack of energy.

    Other than that, I'm extremely happy with him. We support each other, we have a great vibe and chemistry and we are both ltr oriented. "

    The only aspect outside of sexual stuff you've mentioned is that you're both ltr oriented, which really says little. Consider how your relationship would continue if one of you developed a physical problem, from mild stroke to amputation from infection to anything else you can think of that would greatly hinder sexual performances.

    What else powers your relationship aside from sexual attraction?

    *intrigued*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2015 6:36 PM GMT
    Juan said, " ANY ADVICE FOR A GAY MEXICAN YOUNG MAN WHO WAS CHEATED AND USED BY HIS EX BOYFRIEND?"

    Sure, he's your EX now. Good for you, very smart. Now stop allowing your past hurt to influence how you treat others today. They are not him. As well, don't let his ghost influence your future happinesses.
  • ImBlackYall

    Posts: 23

    Jul 27, 2015 7:45 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    What else powers your relationship aside from sexual attraction?

    *intrigued*


    I love his personality and spirit more than anything. The first time I seen him, I was interested in getting to know him and seeing where his mind was. Once we started talking and sharing, I was even more attracted to him. His uniqueness was refreshing but it was difficult for me at times, because once you've experienced your fair share of shit, you tend to either build a wall or have a hard time of letting go and appreciating what's in front of you.

    So its his personality, spirit, our differences and the devotion we've demonstrated. We have weathered some storms in these 2 years. Sexual attraction doesn't do anything for me in regards to times where I need to show strength.

    I think I came off wrong here. I am very remorseful for what I did because I hurt a loved one. I went against my morals and I allowed overwhelming thoughts of negativity to cause me to do something hurtful. But I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to me because I don't believe in repeat mistakes and trying my luck.

    Thanks to all of you for the feedback.
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    Jul 27, 2015 9:21 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidSounds like he's right - you aren't satisfied with him. You two need to go your separate ways.

    Stop wasting time and most certainly stop wasting his time. If i were him I'd already have moved on from you. Way too passive-aggressive for my sanity.
  • ImBlackYall

    Posts: 23

    Jul 27, 2015 10:00 PM GMT
    smartmoney said
    UndercoverMan saidSounds like he's right - you aren't satisfied with him. You two need to go your separate ways.

    Stop wasting time and most certainly stop wasting his time. If i were him I'd already have moved on from you. Way too passive-aggressive for my sanity.


    How am I passive aggressive?