Loser boyfriend or Work In Progress?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 28, 2009 11:08 PM GMT
    I have a 27 year old friend that is in an on/off 3 year relationship where they've both been into counseling and his boyfriend is:

    1. Ten years older
    2. Lives with a roommate to help with rent in an already cheap apartment
    3. Controlling (friend's words, not mine)
    4. No goals
    5. No car so my friend has to pick him up from work every night
    6. Self Centered
    7. Not liked by ANY of my friend's family/friends
    8. Not supportive of friend's career goals
    9. Overly jealous
    10. Steps out to gay clubs and gets numbers

    I have talked to my friend and get the "...but when he's good, he's REALLY good" and "He wasn't always this bad off, Hard times..." explanation.

    Now my friend is considering moving in with the BF to help him save money.

    In what ways can I help my friend when it appears that this relationship is bringing him down? Or is this a situation where my friend may be right and all of us are wrong about the BF being a loser?
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    Jan 28, 2009 11:58 PM GMT
    You had me at the no-goals part.

    Pretty sad for a 37 year-old to still be acting selfish. You need to point out to your friend the flaws of this man and the major problems it could do once they actually move in together. There will be endless fights -- I guarantee it. If he doesn't listen and if he's actually willing to put up with him, let him be miserable on his own.

    Some people just have to learn the hard way.
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    Jan 29, 2009 12:05 AM GMT
    Loser.
    If your friend is 27 he needs to come to terms with the fact that someone who is not going anywhere by now is not going to get anywhere soon. At 27 he should be thinking about where he want's to be, not dragging along someone who is only good "when he's good."
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    Jan 29, 2009 12:11 AM GMT
    At 37, his time to be a work in progress has long since passed. If he's not got it together by now, it's futile to hope that he'll become anything other than what he is. Character is something that's instilled early, and if it isn't, it rarely appears late in life.
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    Jan 29, 2009 2:02 AM GMT
    What makes your friend the winner if he's still in this relationship?

    Sounds like they are feeding off of each other.

    Your friend must be getting something out of it he's still there.


    Sounds like the are co-dependent and if that's the case they are both responsible.

    There is nothing you can say to your friend because he's not ready to leave.

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    Jan 29, 2009 2:04 AM GMT
    loser. a massive loser.
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    Jan 29, 2009 2:10 AM GMT
    You pretty much just summed it up with the orginal post. I won't call the guy a loser but in this case I would however say the relationship can't get any better ( I daresay it'll get worse) and is more likely to fail. I'm talking "crash and burn" with no fire extinguisher present.

    With that being said you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. If he's already been given an obvious answer to such an easy problem and doesn't wanna take it then I say let him be. Just warn him that you reserve the right to say "I told you so" when things go sour.

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    Jan 29, 2009 2:12 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Indy404 said[/cite]

    1. Ten years older
    2. Lives with a roommate to help with rent
    3. Controlling (friend's words, not mine)
    4. No goals
    5. No car
    6. Self Centered
    7. Not liked by ANY of my friend's family/friends
    8. Not supportive of friend's career goals
    9. Overly jealous
    10. Steps out to gay clubs and gets numbers
    quote]

    1. Ok, but precursor for the rest
    2. .... ok. A little undesirable but not a deal ender.
    3. Not cool but still not a deal ender. Some people like this.
    4. LOSER ALERT
    5. Unless he has a super environmental reason or something... Loser.
    6. Not good in any circumstance
    7. Ehh that could be anyone.
    8. Why wouldnt he be??? just so your friend stays at his level? Loser.
    9. Doable... but eh.
    10. Not if theres supposed to be a relationship.


    Soooo we have 3 Loser for sure attributes. And several undesirable ones.

    Conclusion... Loser. and at 37... its a bit too late for improvement.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2009 2:25 AM GMT
    i'm sorry but do you really need to ask? really?
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    Jan 29, 2009 2:36 AM GMT
    tasty_oblivion saidi'm sorry but do you really need to ask? really?

    I second the motion. Time for an intervention.
  • allatonce

    Posts: 904

    Jan 29, 2009 2:41 AM GMT
    For me the roommate/no car thing isn't a huge deal. I would say the fact that he is self-centred and has no goals are two of the worst ones. But really, I have a friend who is dating someone that I would consider similar. I've found that at the beginning maybe you can say something to your friend about someone they're dating, but if the relationship gets really serious, then it is more likely to cause a rift between you and your friend than it is to help.
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    Jan 29, 2009 3:13 AM GMT
    wow so he's a selfish, controlling, bar-hopping 37 year old with no goals or a car? DAMN send him my way, that's exactly my type

    (xsarcasm)
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    Jan 31, 2009 6:54 PM GMT
    Okay, to be fair, the good qualities I've heard that the BF possesses are"

    1. He's fun to be around when they hang out
    2. He's a great cook
    3. He has a way of sarcastically pushing my friend to get goals accomplished
    4. (I would assume) He must be decent w/ sex since my friend is very into sex

    That's all of the good qualities I was told since my friend quickly started talking about the negatives again shortly after starting on those positives...
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    Jan 31, 2009 7:13 PM GMT

    Great lover and Great cook? Damn! Who needs goals!?
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    Jan 31, 2009 7:14 PM GMT
    Not a "work in progress" but a train wreck in progress.
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    Jan 31, 2009 7:20 PM GMT
    Ducky summed it up absolutely correctly. Sure, his bf's a total loser, and most of us would DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already). But you know what? Your friend likes the drama, whatever else he may say about it. He enjoys bitching about it to his friends, he enjoys the arguments that he probably has with his boy, he feeds off the attention he's getting from staying in it. And so you don't have a thing to do about it but not engage your friend in the attention, considering you're probably sick of it. Just tell your friend "look, I'm here for you and all, but I'm done caring about this because it's clear that something about the relationship gets you going still. I'll be here when you break up (because they probably will break up eventually), but until then I don't want to hear about it."

    Done, fin, verch, fsio, finito.
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    Jan 31, 2009 11:34 PM GMT
    Yeah, that is the conclusion I've been coming to. He somewhat enjoys this chaotic relationship. There are constant arguments and button-pressing that changes his mood on a whim and on some level I'm starting to think he gets something out of it because my friend is VERY attractive and could get another BF easily if he wanted. I recently asked him if the BF has ever been physically abusive he hesitated and then said something like "One-time but it wasn't his fault"...(yeah, I know...)

    This is very much a codependency relationship. Or there are self-esteem issues there somewhere...Or maybe the sex is REALLY that good...Or my friend is probably just "used" to this guy and fears dumping him to try someone new who may not equal this guy in some department. As another reason why he's still with him he said: he likes that they met each others parents. If in his mind that qualifies as a point to stay with this guy, how do you reason with him? LOL...

    I'm one of his best friends and haven't been able to get through to him. I guess that old saying, Misery Loves Company is true sometimes...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2009 11:52 PM GMT
    If your friend (and we're talking about you, right?) was to dump his main squeeze based on what WE think, then he deserves a loser b/f.

    Besides, some people probably even think Marge should dump Homer.
    As IF.
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    Jan 31, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
    I do not agree with it being said that at 37 you can not improve your life.
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    Jan 31, 2009 11:57 PM GMT
    as dear abby would say... MYOB!

    only if asked your opinion should you offer it. people learn best when they learn on their own.
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    Feb 01, 2009 12:03 AM GMT
    LOL true...He's got the "loser" boyfriend and I'm single at the moment (but living a Drama-Free life)...so maybe he's doing something right. icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 01, 2009 12:28 AM GMT
    Indy404 saidI have a 27 year old friend that is in an on/off 3 year relationship where they've both been into counseling and his boyfriend is:

    1. Ten years older
    2. Lives with a roommate to help with rent in an already cheap apartment
    3. Controlling (friend's words, not mine)
    4. No goals
    5. No car so my friend has to pick him up from work every night
    6. Self Centered
    7. Not liked by ANY of my friend's family/friends
    8. Not supportive of friend's career goals
    9. Overly jealous
    10. Steps out to gay clubs and gets numbers

    I have talked to my friend and get the "...but when he's good, he's REALLY good" and "He wasn't always this bad off, Hard times..." explanation.

    Now my friend is considering moving in with the BF to help him save money.

    In what ways can I help my friend when it appears that this relationship is bringing him down? Or is this a situation where my friend may be right and all of us are wrong about the BF being a loser?
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    Feb 03, 2009 4:44 PM GMT
    So now I hear that the BF had his ex over to his place to smoke a lil weed and chill...did I mention that his ex is a porn star? An my friend is still with him...

    LOL...I give up.