Borderline gay - Asperger's Syndrome - Clean fetish

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2009 2:16 AM GMT
    Hi all, please forgive me for the lengthy post, but I feel very much that I'm kind of coming out with this stuff for the first time in my life, stuff honestly I find scarey, but would hope that someone would understand.

    Despite being partially blind from birth with Asperger's Syndrome, I have enjoyed a reasonably full life, with friends, hobbies and the completion of several courses. Though I have had no partners, I find that I'm not fussed whether I do or don't. It's just the matter of respecting someone elses emotions, and just letting them feel comfortable without any pressure.

    I'm nearly 40 and don't really find myself gay, but then again I don't know, please let me explain. I have dreamed of doing things with other gay men for a while, kind of the gentler quieter kind.

    Getting to the bones of it, I have a big fetish for playing with balloons, beach balls, and inflatable sport bats, as I get the strongest libidos from these things. I often fantasise about just being with other gay men gently playing catchys with a glossy beach ball, or massageing balloons between the legs. I also dream about sitting with a gay buddy, just talking about stuff, masturbating with a balloon or beach ball or two.

    On the other hand, with much respect to those who do, I'm not really turned on by any drag-queen / feminine stuff. I guess my dream friend-ship with another guy, is just two guys being very, very good friends, that are there for each other through good and bad times.

    I also have a clean fetish, as I have one room in my place where nobody can go into. This is a special clean-room. This is because I don't have anything to hide, but is rather more related to my asperger syndrome. I suffer from sensory overload. When ever I feel something that is dusty, oily, greasy, dirty or whatever, I would break out in an anxiety attack. I would have a strong urge to have a shower or to wash my hands. Though this sounds like I'm a bit crazy, I'm not. I have come to successfully manage my Asperger Syndrome, by being aware of the various issues, and changing things accordingly. I feel like this when I'm in a clean mode, generally the time after a shower. My Asperger condition was recently the focus of a successful documentary.

    Though it would also sound selfish by the fact that I don't lend any of my stuff out, usually tapes, records, discs, dvd's whatever, I would be happy to give a friend a free copy. This is because I like to look after the original. Again this could be taken the wrong way as the friend would generally think, "ah, but you don't trust me", this is not the case. Again it would be my asperger syndrome driving me insane in the event that something of mine be being touched or lent out. At the same token, I would perfectly understand if my partner had the same system.

    If someone goes into my clean room and touches something, I would suffer a large degree of anxiety, until I've cleaned the stuff in question with moisten paper towels.

    When I'm in a non-clean mode, such as the end of the day, those things don't worry me. As I would be in what you could say is the non-clean or other part of my unit. Though it all sounds rather complicated, it's not. I recently had family stay with me, and they understood that the whole thing evolved around one room, and that was it. They understood immediately.

    I know some of this stuff sounds rediculous, but it's a case of being up-front about it, and being completely aware of it myself, and the way others feel around me. Besides understadning my own needs, I also have to consider the other persons needs, by compensating where my short coming is.

    I also feel scared, noting the nature of gay standing in our society. I would like to meet some friends of a similar nature, but I feel held back by the fear of being bashed or ridiculed. I feel if I meet the right people, that I can successfully keep it hush hush from my family and friends.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Jan 30, 2009 6:00 AM GMT
    It sounds like it took a lot of effort to even write that.
    Kudos to you for having the courage to reach out to people.

    Hopefully someone else will give you a more useful reply icon_sad.gif
  • MusicMan87

    Posts: 305

    Jan 30, 2009 6:05 AM GMT
    Welcome to RJ Bochri, I think you'll find we're all pretty welcoming icon_biggrin.gif

    How about some clean music to go with that clean room?
  • qalbi30

    Posts: 116

    Jan 30, 2009 7:28 AM GMT
    May this suggestion help,you have taken courage in both hands by writing to an open forum,congratulations !

    Now what about the next step ? can you confide your feelings to a trained person who would able to understand,there are many sources of help available ,ask and you will find.

    Everybody needs somebody who can understand and help them to live a fuller and happier life,I hope that this New Year you will find what you need.

    If at any time you wish to make contact just send an E/M.

    With all good wishes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2009 5:17 AM GMT
    Thanks all for replying. I already feel better that some of you have replied back, I no longer feel like someone from Mars.

    I guess the thing I kind of haven't allaberated on enough, is my clean fetish. There are many stories of people lives becoming hell, because they are so bogged down in their fetish where they have to wash their hands a hundred times a day.

    Though this could of been me, I've been able to establish a system, so I wouldn't have to go through hell for the rest of my life, and thus others who live around me.

    I also wantd to note, when I'm out of my clean room, I can touch other common things (things that other people have touched) without having to wash my hands every five minutes. Because everything in the non-clean area is kind of contaminated to a certain degree, I could go without washing my hands for twenty-minutes, up to two to three hours, depending on what I'm actually doing.

    The point is here howver, when I do go back into my clean room, I would then wash my hands, to avoid anything from becoming contaminated in there.

    I don't know if this is easier to explain verbly or through a forum, but once explained, my brother was sympathetic about it. I also have friends who are also sympathetic about the condition, and understand quite well it's part of the Asperger sensory experience. I'm currently getting support from an asperger support group.

    It's just that none of them know I have this somewhat gay tendency of wanting to be buddies with another men. It's not the kind of thing I would want to advertise. I don't really want to have a fully blown relationship, but would love to have some gay buddies I could visit and play balloons and beach balls with, this would be my sexual turn on.

    If I spoke to my friends, a few of them may understand to a degree, but I think I would slowly notice my world becoming quite isolated again, if I came out with this stuff to the people I know.

    To the large degree, I'm happy with the way my life is, with some good friends.

    My objective is, that sometimes I would like to just go to that buddies place for an evening, and play balloons and beach balls

    I couldn't care less if the gay buddy in question is already married or has a partner,it's just the reality of having a good gay friend. If they just understand the above stuff, they would know that i'm not being selfish, or not wanting to share, that it's just my asperger's, and that they are ways around every situation. On a side note, I would have no problem with sharing my balloons and beach balls.

    I guess the fact that three of you have replied, that they are already three of you out there who potentially understand. That's already a good feeling to know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2010 9:23 AM GMT
    I have Aspergus Syndrome as well as Attention Deficiet Disorder icon_eek.gif but am pretty in myself, although finding a partner or trying to approach guys is hell.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2010 9:24 AM GMT
    boschboy saidI have Aspergus Syndrome as well as Attention Deficiet Disorder icon_eek.gif but am pretty in myself, although finding a partner or trying to approach guys is hell.

    Typo: that meant to read, happy in myself.