Catholic School Religion Test

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2015 5:13 AM GMT
    This was emailed to me by a friend. It purports to be authentic, though I found a few entries a bit contrived, with words I'm not sure elementary kids would know. Even so, suspend disbelief for a funny read. Wasn't sure what forum to use, so just went with the default.
    .........

    CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER
    DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE
    TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND
    MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

    PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

    KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD
    AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED . INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN .

    1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

    2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

    3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

    4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

    5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
    ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

    6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

    7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD , WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

    8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
    AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS .

    9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

    10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

    11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN
    JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

    12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

    13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

    14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

    15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

    16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

    17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

    18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

    19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

    20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD
    AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

    21 THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

    22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

    23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS
    ALSO A TAXIMAN.

    24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

    25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
    MONOTONY.
  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Jul 28, 2015 10:48 AM GMT
    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2015 6:21 PM GMT
    Has anyone seen my ass? I seem to have lost it after laughing it off. icon_lol.gif
  • jjeffhenry

    Posts: 7

    Jul 28, 2015 8:48 PM GMT
    very funny, I can see Sister Philomena's face http://c.rjstatic.com/images/icon_smile.gifnowhttp://c.rjstatic.com/images/icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2015 10:44 PM GMT
    Joan of Ark was Noah's wife. Nice one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2015 9:05 AM GMT
    Thanks for sharing. This sounds straight forward that even non-Catholics can answer.

    The one I took in middle school dealt with the nitty gritty of the Catholic faith.
  • nerdjack

    Posts: 51

    Jul 29, 2015 9:55 AM GMT
    true words....icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Jul 29, 2015 6:34 PM GMT
    It might well be legitimate. Kids often get words mixed up, such as "porcupines" instead of "concubines" or "mount cyanide" instead of "mount Sinai".

    Then there was the kid who recited, "Surely good Miss Brady shall follow me all the days of my life.".

    One Sunday I taught a Sunday school class as a substitute many years ago. I was shocked about the way the lessons were in the lesson book. They showed no understanding of children. Fortunately they have greatly improved since then.