How long does it take?

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    Jan 29, 2009 2:31 PM GMT
    I'm sure many of us have been in relationships where the guy started out seeming like he was amazing and then over time the costume faded away to the true person underneath. Many times once the "honeymoon period" is over we wonder what the hell happened and how did I get left with this guy when he seemed so great. We make all these assiduous attempts to find out who the guy really is only to discover he aint all that great. Everyone is different and I don't like over-generalizations, but this brings me to my ultimate question: in your opinion, how long does it generally take to really get to know someone?

    This may sound a bit crude, but I once heard someone say that when you can be in the same bathroom with someone while one of you is doing your business and the other one is say, brushing his teeth, you know you've reached a certain stage of security and comfort with them haha.
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    Jan 29, 2009 2:58 PM GMT
    I have a rule when it comes to "really get to know someone".

    Go on a road trip with that person for a long weekend. Share a hotel room, hang out with that person the entire time, etc.

    When the trip is over you will know all about them and know if you are meant to be friends, if that is what you are looking for, or lovers, if that is what you are looking for.
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    Jan 29, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    I suppose that is one way to do it, but I'm not sure that one weekend is enough time to really get to know someone well enough to determine if they are truly LTR material.
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    Jan 30, 2009 3:29 AM GMT

    never. you never really know anyone. What matters is the degree of comfort you can derive from things that you dont know.
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    Jan 30, 2009 3:41 AM GMT
    All about give and take and what you can tolerate. When you find someone you can stand with through thick and thin you'll know it. It's all one big journey and it has so many surprises.
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    Jan 30, 2009 4:08 AM GMT
    I do not think that there is a specific timeline or amount of time that it takes to get to know someone. An individuals actions reveal character and if you are conscious...you can know someone sooner than you think.
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    Jan 30, 2009 3:17 PM GMT
    I should have expanded upon my “road trip” recommendation. The road trip is just an initial step to look for RED FLAGS.

    After that, there really is no set time frame. I am in a 12 year relationship. We did it day by day, talking…always talking, working through the bad, and enjoying the good.

    I see too many guys giving up after seeing a few flaws in a person. I see treat your lover the same way you would a friend. Do you dump your friends over a few flaws?

    I hate the word “settle”. But at some point if you want it to work you have to “settle” for a few flaws.
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    Jan 30, 2009 3:30 PM GMT
    lawguy920 saidI'm sure many of us have been in relationships where the guy started out seeming like he was amazing and then over time the costume faded away to the true person underneath. Many times once the "honeymoon period" is over we wonder what the hell happened and how did I get left with this guy when he seemed so great. We make all these assiduous attempts to find out who the guy really is only to discover he aint all that great. Everyone is different and I don't like over-generalizations, but this brings me to my ultimate question: in your opinion, how long does it generally take to really get to know someone?




    Ask Mrs. Ted Haggard. icon_twisted.gif
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jan 30, 2009 3:33 PM GMT
    Hey
    Meet the family, parents and other friends you don't know as a couple. If you still feel comfortable and they don't seem to be putting on different airs around the other people in their life, you are in and you are at the top of their list.
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    Jan 30, 2009 3:37 PM GMT

    Add him on your Facebook. At least, even if you're not together physically, you can more or less gauge how he keeps his relationships with his family and/or friends. Unless of course he has two Facebook profiles. icon_eek.gif
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    Jan 30, 2009 3:48 PM GMT
    Their friends are typically a good indicator of who they are; strong core/group of friends = similar character in him. As well as their relationship with their family. Me personally, I do my BEST not to do a Honeymoon stage, it potentially can set the relationship up for failure; ie I had a friend who would wine & dine guys ALL of the time, however at the end of the day my ex-friend could not afford those type of extravagant restaurants, then he would ALWAYS wonder why they didn't stay around. Anyways, emotionally & physically, stay within your means and don't be ok with something they do/say just because it's in the beginning stages, you have to set the "rules" from jump!
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    Jan 30, 2009 4:06 PM GMT
    streetbobfx saidI should have expanded upon my “road trip” recommendation. The road trip is just an initial step to look for RED FLAGS.


    I agree totally with this. Spending time together will help to highlight future qualities and problems in yourself, in your partner, and in the manner in which you two relate with each other.

    Look, to be in a relationship is not for everybody. It really means to be able to accommodate yourself to (and to some extent accept) each other, warts and all. It also means having enough maturity to respect each other, compromise, share, to open oneself emotionally and intellectually.

    If you spend enough time with someone you’ll see how decisions are made, how easily communication flows, how attentive each of you are to each other, etc, etc. It might reveal a great deal about yourself and your partner.

    Getting to know someone is one of the great things in life. Hope you two have a great time.
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    Jan 30, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    Upon reflection, there’s one big caveat to what I just said. It assumes that people are honest and true in their encounters with a prospective mate. I’m naive, I know. At the beginning, it’s expected that both are on their best behaviour. It’s normal to see the full scope of their personality (and yours) as time goes by. Relationships have been greatly romanticized, reality is more complicated but worth the effort.

    BUT what you’re describing could be the result of a sham... if one is trying too hard to be liked at the point of projecting a wrong image of themselves, or if one continually plays mind-games in order to avoid showing their true selves, then yes it was a “costume” as you say, and he was a fraud. And that hurts. Sometimes people seek relationships for all the wrong reasons. Reading your profile: you seem to have met your share of frogs... I wish you the best

    There’s no time period that will tell you which is which (being true or fraudulent). Spending time together (weekend, road trip, etc) will force the issue.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 30, 2009 9:10 PM GMT
    This is why I laugh when I hear 2 people say they are so in love and haven't spent any real time with each other.

    It's been said that even Satin can be great for the first 6 months of any relationship.